Cancelled plans to see each other soon

[ILoveYou22]

It is my first post here and I just need some good advice please.

I have reconnected this summer with a past boyfriend after many years but we now live in different countries because I moved abroad. I was there in my hometown during the summer and we had a lovely time together. The problem was the coming back and being far from each other.

I had a hard time adjusting when I was back, but slowly went back on track. We text every day and talk often. Last time I saw him was nearly 2 months ago.

He was planning to visit me next week and have bought the flight tickets and we were so excited to have a whole week together, until last Monday... the flight company he had tickets closed down and now he is not coming.

He still has a flight to come here available, but he would have to buy a ticket with another air company to return back home afterwards, which he cannot do until he is refunded of the amount of the other tickets.

So, this was a complete shock to both of us as you can imagine. I become so frustrated that we even had an argument because of this. I started to question the whole situation and if I can handle it.

Even if he is not able to come here now, when he gets the refund he will buy tickets for another time later on this month or early next month, but I got really down with this, especially because next week is my birthday.

I told him I need some space to process this and that I cannot handle talking to each other all the time about how much we miss each other and want to be with each other, I mean, it just puts the focus constantly on not being together and it really drains you.

Thank you for read this and if you have some advice please let me know. I do have feelings for him and vice-versa, but I am questioning if having a LDR is worth it when it makes you feel so down. Thank you.

[R&R]

LDR's aren't for everyone. They take a special set of people who are willing to spend a lot of time on their own, enjoy the time together when they have it, put in the effort it takes to keep it going, flexibility and a lot of understanding and communication. Not everyone is capable of that and it's okay if you're not.

What you really have to decide is if being without your SO and the stress of an LDR is more positive for you and your life or if being with him and the challenges of an LDR are the more positive for you. If you think it is better to go your own way, then end it now instead of dragging it out. If you can't see your future without your SO in it, then buckle up and get ready for the ride. It's going to take work and effort from both sides and both of you will need to be 100% committed to that.

[ILoveYou22]

LDR's aren't for everyone. They take a special set of people who are willing to spend a lot of time on their own, enjoy the time together when they have it, put in the effort it takes to keep it going, flexibility and a lot of understanding and communication. Not everyone is capable of that and it's okay if you're not.

What you really have to decide is if being without your SO and the stress of an LDR is more positive for you and your life or if being with him and the challenges of an LDR are the more positive for you. If you think it is better to go your own way, then end it now instead of dragging it out. If you can't see your future without your SO in it, then buckle up and get ready for the ride. It's going to take work and effort from both sides and both of you will need to be 100% committed to that.

Thank you for your reply.

The thing is, I don't want to give up on him (or us) just now, but I feel I cannot go on with the same intensity as before because it is not sustainable and it makes me feel awful, always focusing on what I "don't have".

Because every single day, right in the morning, after dinner and before going to sleep (and sometimes during the day too) we would be in those conversations of "oh I wish I was with you" or "I wish I was doing this or that with you", etc, in a very intense way, and that makes me feel bad.

It would be good if the focus of the conversation would be on other stuff too (which sometimes is like talking about our days and what we do), but 90% of the time is "oh I wish this", etc.

I think maybe we need to find a balance where we both feel comfortable. Or maybe we are just different, he loves those conversations all the time and I don't.

[erwin1973]

Talk about the things in life. If you only write 'I miss you' and 'I want to be with you', what is the relationship really worth? I mean... you should talk about each other, learn to know each other better, talk about work, children if you have any, favorite things to do, and everything.

If you only focus on the "I-have-not" while being in an LDR, I can guaratnee you it's going to be too much and you'll end up breaking up. Focus on what you do have in the relationship.

Life is not made of 'I-wish'. Life is what you make of it. 'I-wish' makes life harder, not easier. For your own sake, stop that. Find things to talk about, hobbies, and learn to deal with your emtions.

If you can't, may be you are one of those who are not fit for an LDR. Then you can do two things: remigrate or break up.

I wish you good luck and try not to overthink too much.

[ILoveYou22]

Talk about the things in life. If you only write 'I miss you' and 'I want to be with you', what is the relationship really worth? I mean... you should talk about each other, learn to know each other better, talk about work, children if you have any, favorite things to do, and everything.

If you only focus on the "I-have-not" while being in an LDR, I can guaratnee you it's going to be too much and you'll end up breaking up. Focus on what you do have in the relationship.

Life is not made of 'I-wish'. Life is what you make of it. 'I-wish' makes life harder, not easier. For your own sake, stop that. Find things to talk about, hobbies, and learn to deal with your emtions.

If you can't, may be you are one of those who are not fit for an LDR. Then you can do two things: remigrate or break up.

I wish you good luck and try not to overthink too much.

You are absolutely right. And we do talk a lot about other things too, such as work, hobbies, projects, movies, interests, we share photos of places we have been, etc, etc. But the part of "I wish" always comes back every day and the longing and this and that, which really gets you down.

Yes I felt it was too much and I was on the verge of breaking up this week. I told him I needed some space and withdrawn a bit in order to ground myself and just be with myself.

[erwin1973]

You are absolutely right. And we do talk a lot about other things too, such as work, hobbies, projects, movies, interests, we share photos of places we have been, etc, etc. But the part of "I wish" always comes back every day and the longing and this and that, which really gets you down.

Yes I felt it was too much and I was on the verge of breaking up this week. I told him I needed some space and withdrawn a bit in order to ground myself and just be with myself.

Well, my lady and me say that too, at least once a day: "I wish I was with you." Or somthing like that. But we see it as a promise that we will be one day. We're not fretting over the 'what-ifs' but looking forward to it. Mind that we're nevermets after 13 months relationship and have about 11½ month to go before the first meeting.

Being in an LDR is hard, I don't deny that.

[Reyhoney]

This intensity isn’t normal or sustainable, you’d feel the same way even if this was a “normal” relationship with the both of living close. You’re just getting into another phase of the relationship, the intimate phase.

Stop with the I wishing, there are other things you can think of other than what you don’t have, like the things you do have, like having someone support and understand you.

If the calls or texts are getting boring or too much then don’t keep that high level of non stop communication, it’s not realistic, you still have lives and live in the real world. But tell him that, so he doesn’t think you’re talking less cause your feelings have changed or you’re losing interest.

[ILoveYou22]

This intensity isn’t normal or sustainable, you’d feel the same way even if this was a “normal” relationship with the both of living close. You’re just getting into another phase of the relationship, the intimate phase.

Stop with the I wishing, there are other things you can think of other than what you don’t have, like the things you do have, like having someone support and understand you.

If the calls or texts are getting boring or too much then don’t keep that high level of non stop communication, it’s not realistic, you still have lives and live in the real world. But tell him that, so he doesn’t think you’re talking less cause your feelings have changed or you’re losing interest.

Reyhoney, we've had a conversation about that last week and we agreed that that kind of intensity wasn't doing us any good.

Yes the feelings between us are very strong and intense, but that doesn't mean we have to be that way ALL the time. We decided to take it down a notch and focus on making plans to see each other, things we will be doing at that time, and also on sharing our daily lives, goals, etc, rather than talking about "how much I miss you" and "I wish I was with you" all the time.

Also, I do believe in the Law of Attraction, and that you attract what you focus on, so if we focus on "missing each other", we will be attracting more of the same that just drag us down, but if we focus on making plans and on the positive, we lift each other up and attract what we want.

Anyway, I feel we are both much more balanced now and much more positive.

[Reyhoney]

Reyhoney, we've had a conversation about that last week and we agreed that that kind of intensity wasn't doing us any good.

Yes the feelings between us are very strong and intense, but that doesn't mean we have to be that way ALL the time. We decided to take it down a notch and focus on making plans to see each other, things we will be doing at that time, and also on sharing our daily lives, goals, etc, rather than talking about "how much I miss you" and "I wish I was with you" all the time.

Also, I do believe in the Law of Attraction, and that you attract what you focus on, so if we focus on "missing each other", we will be attracting more of the same that just drag us down, but if we focus on making plans and on the positive, we lift each other up and attract what we want.

Anyway, I feel we are both much more balanced now and much more positive.

I’m really really pleased and happy to hear that! I hope everything works out for you guys! ☺️