He deleted messenger - ghosted - visiting in less than 2 weeks.

[Jsm92]

Hi guys!! Hope to get some advice..

I've been with my long distance boyfriend for almost 2 years - he lives in the US and I live in Europe. We've been visiting each other back and forth but last time we saw each other was now more than four months ago making it the longest we've been apart since we started dating. Its been hard and has made for a lot of drama and miscommunication. And ignoring at times - on his part. But I'm flying to visit him in 12 days, its been planned for months, we even have a hotel booked in a nearby town for our 2 year anniversary (that he paid for). But all of a sudden last week he deleted his messenger app which is where we talk primarily. We weren't in the middle of a conversation when he deleted it, last time we had messaged each other was the day before, but after a few days I texted him on there it said "invite ... To messenger" meaning it was deleted.. And now I haven't heard from him in a week and a half - we usually text every or every other day. I've texted him directly to his phone too, but nothing. Last time we texted it wasnt super positive but not an argument either really it was just insignificant. Anyway, I'm freaking out and I'm scared I won't hear from him at all before I leave. What do I do? How do I calm myself down? do I e-mail him? Am I overreacting? Do I leave him alone like I've done the last 6 days? I sent him a card but it won't be there till right before I get there myself.. Any suggestions?

Thanks so much!! Y'all are the best :-)

[R&R]

It does sound very unusual. If you've been contacting him and no response, sometimes no answer is an answer. Can you contact where you are staying and see if the reservation is still booked?

Do you have a place to stay if you arrive and he's not there? What is the cancellation policy for the airline? You might want to find out the policy and then email him that if you haven't heard from him by "x" date, you will have to cancel your flight. If you don't get a response, then know that you may have to cancel your flight.

Also, if this is how he handles "arguments" or issues, you might want to consider if this is who you want to be with. An adult relationship requires communication and being able to work through issues - not run from them or ignore them.

[ILoveYou22]

I am sorry you are in this situation but he is just showing you who he is and how he deals with things.

If he wants a pause or even to break up with you, the mature thing to do would be to tell you that. Leaving you without a word for days is no proper treatment regardless of being a LDR or not, but even worse on a LDR I guess.

I would send a message saying something like "if I don't hear from you until X day I'll cancel my flight", and if no response, I wouldn't go and meet him and would put an end to things.

You deserve to be treated right and in an adult mature way. This is very childish from him and self-love comes first at all times.

[Caro1]

I'm sorry to hear how your boyfriend is treating you.

I realize giving up a two year realtionship is hard, but in my opinion there's nothing he could do to earn that lost trust back.

By completly ignoring you without giving you any reason at all, he is showing you that he has no respect for you. No matter what happens between you two, a minimum amount of respect for each other should always remain, and ghosting you definetly shows he has none for you. If he already has no respect for you, I seriously doubt he will ever be able to attain any for you. And that's his loss.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

If I were you, I would cancel my trip, try to get my money back, if possible. I would definetly not want to spend any time with someone, who apparently doesn't value me at all.

[Rezie]

Is this like him to do something like this so you are not surprised or is it more like “omg something bad has happened”?
I would recommend sending a message. “Based on your lack of communication I’m assuming you are severely hurt and in a hospital or we have broken up. Verification would be greatly appreciated. I’ll be coming over in 12 days as planned and will have a great holiday with or with out you. Hope to hear from you soon In case I don’t hear anything, take care.”

Go out and have good time on your own. Travel around and enjoy yourself! Unless he is ina coma he is being a jerk.

[Jsm92]

Thanks all of you for your responses!

To answer you R&R, I'm staying with him. I'm supposed to be there for two months , the hotel stay is just for a weekend after I've been there for a few weeks.. So I know how to get to his house if he didnt come to get me (which would be so insane) ..

I understand that most of you think I shouldn't go but I've already decided that I'm going - for myself. Both to have a trip but mostly because even if it was to break up I still would want to talk to him face to face. So it would be for me.

Well he does sometimes have a tendency to retreat into himself if he's going through stuff but usually just for a few days- and I honestly think that he is going through some bad things in his own head.. Sometimes he alao deletes his messenger to get space on his phone, but I don't know man.... The day before he even sent me pictures of movies and was like "we're watching these when you come" . and a picture of a Halloween costume saying that it would be a good one for me..
So it would make no sense if this was to somehow break it off, I know that he does love me, but not gonna lie the distance messes with him big time..

He also knows that I could contact his sister on fb or his roommate, or his work email, I just haven't yet. Should I? I will do it right before I leave at least..
But like some of you said I will try to focus on me and have a good time even if its gonna be a vacation on my own..

Any other thoughts?

Thanks again y'all are great!

[Onlineguy84]

Why don't you call him?

[erwin1973]

Yeah. I have a question...

You say you're going there anyway - I can't fault you in that, although everyone seems to be of the opinion you shouldn't. But what I would consider if I were you, is the possibility that he will not show up at all. If so, where are you going to stay? Do you have enough funds to stay there by yourself, to enjoy yourself?

It is completely clear to me that he thinks of himself first, and that means you're not his main priority. I also think you're leaving things too late. Why contact his sister just before you leave, why not now?

Good luck.

[ILoveYou22]

I feel that the reason you are going there to meet him and because of two things: you are feeling afraid to let go and you want closure. It is understandable but I also feel you are going to learn a major life lesson by going there: that you do not pursue someone who ignore and treats you like s***.

I'm sorry but ghosting and ignoring you is treating you like s***. It is a BIG self-love lesson, where you should always love yourself more than someone else, and put your well-being first.

[Jsm92]

You all have some good points..

And even though I know that its not a cool way to treat me, he has still been a huge Part of my life for years, he's the person I can be myself with the most in person, he's the one I've pictured a future with. So him deleting his messenger for weeks is really weird and mean but its still not easy to just say fuck it all now its over. At least not till we talk in person and either solve it or that I get closure. Cauase its true what you said, that I wouldn't be able to truly get closure unless it was in person .

And to the other question about where to stay, I could go to his house on my own I wouldn't have to have him pick me up. I also have a bunch of stuff at his place from earlier so that is another reason to go there.. And if he legit does not want to see me then I say fuck him and go to a friends house.. I used to go to school in his town so I know a few ppl there.


You guys might be right about not waiting too long.. I think I'm just scared of another rejection if he doesn't answer again to be honest. But guess its better to know. And my guess is his sister would at least answer...? And about calling the time difference means that he's basically at work my whole day .. But I could try!

Thanks again everyone. And I appreciate everything and it all makes me look at the situation in different ways so its all helping !!

[ILoveYou22]

I truly hope you get the closure you need, that you have fun with your friends in there and come back free and available to meet the right man that treats you with respect and the only ghosting he does is wearing a ghost costume at Halloween to make you laugh.

You deserved nothing but the best girl!

[Moon]

While I'm not sure why you came to ask for advice, if you weren't planning on taking any of it, I do hope you'll be smart and logical about this visit. Make very, very sure you have access to enough funds for somewhere to stay for a while and to cover last-minute airfare or ticket changes. Do not assume you can just stay with friends, without talking to them before you get there. If things go badly, you may want to leave way before your two months is up. You should be completely prepared for the worst, and don't assume he'll help or see you, you don't want to end up stuck. Things may go just fine, and you're boyfriend is just a huge asshole, and that's great, but have all your backup plans ready. Having well a prepared backup plan never hurts if you don't need them, but needing them and not having them will. Good luck.

[hmrambling]

This reminds me of the last visit I had with an ex. She was ice cold but I went anyway and the visit was miserable. It felt like the longest breakup ever. I was set on going because the money was already spent and was nonrefundable. So my cheap ass carried myself to Connecticut and I hoped that things would go well. During that visit, on Thanksgiving day each of us ended up on the phone with our respective friends hoping they could console us because we were nearly miserable together that visit. It definitely was the beginning of the end. Someone we maintained some optimism about our future, but we died out immediately following that trip.

Ignoring a partner, giving the silent treatment, and isolation is not a great way to establish a healthy relationship. I see that you are determined to make the trip regardless what happens, and I have been there myself... it didn't turn out well for me. I suggest you go ahead and plan a fun trip with your friends. Perhaps you can work him in if he can be bothered to initiate contact with you while you are there.

[Jsm92]

Thanks for the last replies as well!

So I have a flex ticket meaning I can change my return date at any time.. And I talked to my friend and she said I can stay at hers if it comes to that.. I also reached out to his roomie who has now texted him that I want to hear from him, and also his sister. She said that he got a new phone and hasn't set anything up yet etc. Not that thats an excuse but now I at least know that. So I wouldn't say that I didnt use any of you guys' advice :-) .. And all of it helps give me some perspective!

So He's at an conference in another state now till Tuesday and when he gets back his roomie will talk to him..

Till then my new way of dealing with this is turning off my phone and focusing on what's surrounding me right here and now. I have a new rule that I have to experience one new thing every day . also having dinner and drinks with two girlfriend tonight, I think that'll be good!

Thanks again for caring about my issues guys!

[erwin1973]

So he gets a new phone and doesn't even bother to install things on it so he can communicate with you, do I understand that right? So he has just a new phone, that's all... Only the standard things on it like calling and texting... no messenger, whatever. Even then he could have texted you. Anyway... it's a strange situation in my eyes.

I hope you get the closure you are looking for. Looks to me he is not really interested any more, but for you I hope I am wrong.