Lack of communication when making plans to see each other

[ILoveYou22]

In another thread I told how we had plans for him to visit me next week but they were cancelled because the flight company closed down last Monday.

When he arranged to come here next week there were a few things I noticed and didn't like it, such as: he decided on his own how long he was going to stay and the date of arrival and departure, without talking to me first or asking me anything. And he was going to stay at my house. I didn't like that.

Not only because I think he needs to talk to me first before book or buy anything but also because we are supposed to do things together, right!?

Now that this situation of cancelled plans happened, he continues to do things the same way. He asked for a refund and was waiting to see if he would get it until the end of the week to see if he was still able to come next week, and that if that doesn't happen he would reschedule his holidays at work to come at the end of the month instead, and although he decided all this in HIS head, he didn't tell me anything.

I've had to ask after all what are his plans before he would tell me anything. And again, he decided on his own that he would come at the end of the month, without asking me anything first.

I've had a serious conversation with him last Thursday about this, and I told him that I don't feel we are in a relationship, it feels like he is on his own deciding everything and he only communicate it to me after the decisions have been made. I am a person, not an object here waiting! I want to feel we are part of a team and decide things together!

He said he understands and I am right, and he also mentioned that he does things like that because he has been living on his own for a long time. Ok, fair enough. He also said that we would decide and book together next dates he would be able to come here.

Ok, so the week is over now, he didn't get a refund yet so he is not coming here next week, and, AGAIN, I do not know what his plans are.

Did he end up cancelling his holidays at work? I don't know. He said we would be deciding next dates, but when? I don't know. Is he stil expecting the refund to come before being able to book it again or will he wait until he receives next salary? I don't know.

Again, he is thinking all by himself and I do not know anything. I just feel being left out and not really part of a relationship. I TALKED to him about this, told him how I feel, he said he understands but still is not giving a damn again.

I mean, I cannot read his mind! If this was the other way around, I would be communicating with him about everything, especially because I would be staying at his house! I feel he is being inconsiderate and not caring about how I feel.

I am not even angry with this, I am just sad and questioning the "relationship". And this is not even a LDR problem, even if we were together he could still be like this, making plans on his own. But, on a LDR is even worse, because you NEED to communicate more, right!? This is really annoying.

Any advice? Thank you.

[erwin1973]

Wow, that is hard...

Not only the cancelling of the visits, for whatever reason, but the lack of communication is a serious problem. For me, not communicating with me about things that important, would be causing a serious rethink about the relationship and when things don't improve it would be an absolute no-go. To me, that is. I see you actually think the same about it.

I don't like ultimatums, because they tend to be a tool to try to rescue something that is already lost... but you could consider giving him one... tell me what you're planning or it's over. I know that sounds harsh, but if that won't work, it will never.
Even though you're only together for 2 months, when you really care about someone, you communicate (in my opinion). Having a big talk about it 2 days ago and still 'forgetting' to talk, no... that's not done in my humble opinion.

Good luck...

[R&R]

I've spent the last 5 years in an LDR that got to the point of pretty much no communication. We are now going through a divorce. Though some of us can get by on almost no communication and are very independent, there are definitely things that do need to be decided on as a couple. If you have had a heart to heart with your SO about this and he continues to disregard what are reasonable and logical requests, you do need to look at the big picture. Is this how it 's always going to be? If you were to close the distance, is this how big things in your life are going to be handled? Don't go by what people say - go by their actions. I wish you the best of luck.

[ILoveYou22]

Thank you, you both are right.

He did tell me his plans today, and even told me that I should have asked him! When basically 2 days ago I ASKED him to tell me what he is planning to do if there's anything new he is thinking.

So, he basically tells me every day what he is having for dinner without me asking but telling me his plans to visit me he needs for me to ask? When I asked him 2 days ago to let me know?

He then went on telling me that he has been alone for a long time and he is not used to open up about his plans and that he decides everything on his own head and struggles to communicate and put it out. Again, he doesn't struggle to tell me what he is having for dinner!

I just feel that we are not in a relationship. I simply have someone that wants to come here and visit me and is planning everything on his own, which is VERY different from being in a relationship!

Anyway, he is aware of his difficulty to open up about that and I told him that I am NOT moving forward with our "relationship" the way things are at the moment. I do not want to feel ignored, alone and feeling he is disregarding my feelings. I told him he has a choice to make on what he wants to do because I won't tolerate this behaviour moving forward.

I also told him that I communicate what I feel about this situation because I care. But when I see things staying the same, I have a tendency to stop caring and just detach and when that happens, there's no way back.

Simply because I want to be in a healthy happy relationship, not feeling this way. I love myself too much to tolerate bad behaviour.

[erwin1973]

You did very well, in my opinion. Brave, honest and open.

[ILoveYou22]

You did very well, in my opinion. Brave, honest and open.

Thank you. He is not coming here now anyway. He got the refund today from the credit card company and they have said that the money will be available in 5 days in his account, which basically means that he could come tomorrow (he still has the flight to come here tomorrow) and next week when the money becomes available he could buy the return ticket, but he prefers not to do that.

I'm quite sad because it is my birthday next week and if it was the other way around I would still go and see him.

[Reyhoney]

Do you ask him though? Check in with him consistently what are WE gonna do? And tell him straight out what works and what doesn’t?

You should be on the phone with him while he’s looking at flights, hotels or whatever else! You should also be proactive in actually asking, rather than just waiting to see what he’s done after the fact. I really think communication is a two sided thing, he can’t read your mind, and you can’t read his, that’s why you gotta ask, over and over even if you start to sound annoying.

[ILoveYou22]

Do you ask him though? Check in with him consistently what are WE gonna do? And tell him straight out what works and what doesn’t?

You should be on the phone with him while he’s looking at flights, hotels or whatever else! You should also be proactive in actually asking, rather than just waiting to see what he’s done after the fact. I really think communication is a two sided thing, he can’t read your mind, and you can’t read his, that’s why you gotta ask, over and over even if you start to sound annoying.

On Thursday last week we had a serious conversation about how we communicate with each other, and I asked him to instead of planning and thinking everything on his own inside his head, that he talk to me and we can figure it out together.

I'm sorry but I don't think that in a healthy relationship one person needs to be asking ALL the time what the other is thinking and planning on doing. It should be normal that you want to talk and plan things together that are related to both. If he doesn't feel driven to do that on his own, something is not right.

Actually, that conversation we've had and my question in here came exactly because I was tired of having to ask things to him all the time. I feel exhausted. And I want to feel I am part of a team where communication is open and flowing. That's how I see a relationship. Having to chase the other all the time to know what he is planning is not sustainable on the long term.

[Reyhoney]

I’m just trying to help you see his side too you know? Cause in the end of the day you care about him, right?

Believe it or not men aren’t communicative creatures by nature, especially one like yours who has been alone on his own for so long, he has to relearn this skill and it’s not easy, it doesn’t come easy to someone like him.

A lot of men DO have this problem, just to different degrees and it also depends on their partner to help them get it out. My guy is coming to meet me on the 31st and so far he hasn’t asked his boss yet! And I’m the one that asks him all the time, did you talk to him? If I don’t ask, he’d never think of mentioning it!

It’s aggravating, but you gotta play him like a violin to get what you want!

[ILoveYou22]

Yes I know you are trying to give a different perspective from his side and I appreciate. And yes I can totally understand the fact that he has been on his own for a long time so he is used to decide everything on his own. I have been on my own out of a relationship for a long time also, but I have a young daughter and I like to include her in our simple decisions such as "going to the park or the swimming pool?", etc, so I guess I am more used to share and communicate.

But being distant and both having separate lives, both of us still have to take decisions on our own every single day that doesn't even concern the other.

But then you have the things that do concern both and the relationship, such as planning to see each other. And I guess yes he is willing to work on it and talk about those things together from now on.

But I still do think that it needs to be mutual work together: he talking more about plans and decisions and me allowing him to do it, rather than me doing all the effort and asking all the time. Sorry, to me that is not sustainable.

[Reyhoney]

Have you clearly asked him this exactly like this? Not like hinted or said it casually? Old habits die hard! Just have a serious but short chat about it, don’t come off like you’re attacking or critiquing him or he’ll clam up.

Tell him it just makes you really sad, instead of saying really angry, and say that whenever you do communicate, you make me really happy! I’ve always learned to get what I want by rewarding the good more than criticizing the bad and men will do anything for a woman they think they CAN make happy. They feel so validated.

[ILoveYou22]

Yes I did! I am not one to hint or say things casually, I am a VERY "right on your face straight to the point" type of person. lol I tell it like it is.

I did say to him that when he doesn't communicate about his plans or decisions that it makes me feel sad, left out and not part of a relationship. Yes maybe I was a bit too harsh on him and I did criticised him, but only because we already have had a conversation before about it and he continued to decide things on his own that concerns both of us. It seems he heard me then.

We did have a conversation yesterday and he said he realised that he needs to open up about planning and deciding stuff together, because if he wants to decide on his own, then he can be on his own without me, and that's what would end up happening because I won't tolerate that lack of communication in a relationship.

I am sorry but in this case is he that needs to level-up, not me that needs to ask him all the time.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Yes I know you are trying to give a different perspective from his side and I appreciate. And yes I can totally understand the fact that he has been on his own for a long time so he is used to decide everything on his own. I have been on my own out of a relationship for a long time also, but I have a young daughter and I like to include her in our simple decisions such as "going to the park or the swimming pool?", etc, so I guess I am more used to share and communicate.

But being distant and both having separate lives, both of us still have to take decisions on our own every single day that doesn't even concern the other.

But then you have the things that do concern both and the relationship, such as planning to see each other. And I guess yes he is willing to work on it and talk about those things together from now on.

But I still do think that it needs to be mutual work together: he talking more about plans and decisions and me allowing him to do it, rather than me doing all the effort and asking all the time. Sorry, to me that is not sustainable.

No that is not sustainable, not only does he not communicate, he blames you when the issue comes up. Be very careful w/your feelings. I tried a LDR relationship where I was doing the majority of the work and that left me very hurt in the end. Thing is I found out people like are not worth the stress because you will never be valued by that person. Let him work on the issues w/out pushing and if nothing works tell him you are done, then walk away. It is very hurtful to be treated like that. Btw this has nothing to do w/him expressing his love/care for you in a different way, he just doesn't want to.