Girlfriend depressed at idea of Long Distance Relationship

[thedude651]

My girlfriend and I are in a serious relationship. I graduated college last May and have been looking for work since. She is still in veterinarian school for another 3 years. We have known for a while that there was a likelihood of me finding work out of state (I'm looking to break into a fairly specialized industry) and she had always been supportive of the idea.

However as time went on and the prospect of me getting a job across the country has become more of a reality she has become noticeably disturbed by it. At first it didn't seem like much, but the company and I are now negotiating an offer and I'm only days away from potentially signing something...and things have gotten much worse.

She has always been an anxious person, but it has gotten to the point where she is sad throughout the day and almost completely irrational at night. She hardly ever sleeps and is constantly tossing and turning, crying, and worrying about one thing after another (most having to do with our relationship, others not). She sometimes goes as far as feeling so hopeless she wants to end our relationship all together. It seems that no matter what I try I can't reason through any of it with her or pin down her concerns to help either. She is quite a bit better in the day, and she swears she'd do anything to stay together. She's far from her normal self still though. She eats far less than she used to, she naps during the day, and she has almost completely given up running (something she used to love, and actually had a scholarship for in undergrad).

I am extremely worried about her, and in some ways it seems too late to deny the offer with the company. I don't have anything else lined up and would be throwing away a near perfect job opportunity for potentially months more job hunting. I've told her I'd be willing to decline the offer if it would help, but she is against the idea.

What is the best way for me to help her? How do I get her to talk to somebody? Should I definitely turn down the job and try to stay nearby? Please help, I love her very much and I'm worried about her.

[Redheart14]

Don't remember risk your career over this. If you were to break up after you declined the offer, how would you feel? You don't want to end up resenting her over missing what's sounds like a hard opportunity to come by. LDR's aren't easy and aren't for everyone, that's going to be something you both have to decide if you want.
This thread has some useful videos on ways to cope with an LDR. Maybe there's something here that'll give you some ideas.

https://members.lovingfromadistance....502-New-to-LDR

[thedude651]

Thank you for your response. I think you provide a lot of good advice. The videos provided in the link are helpful!

I know we've both talked about this a lot and it sounds like we're definitely on the same page with it all most of the time. It's really only in the evenings when she really seems to struggle with the idea of everything. I'm hoping it has a lot to do with fear and the natural inclination to be afraid of the unknown, but I do worry sometimes about how shell respond when I'm not there to help her with her anxiety.

[differentcountries]

It sounds like she has some issues to start with that are not in themselves related to the upcoming LDR. Is she getting help for her anxiety? Does she have family of others to be there for her as well?

Is there any option for her to switch schools so that she may live with or closer to you?

Have you talked realistically about how often you can visit each other and otherwise stay in touch? Do you know where you would stay and how easy it would be for her to visit you there?

I dont think you solve any problems by not signing the contract. You just finished school and you need a job, wherever it can be found. You are worse equipped to help her if you dont get a job to support yourself and advance your career.

[thedude651]

Thanks for the reply!
She is not receiving help for her anxiety, but it is something I'm really trying to push for. She does have some friends here to help her, but obviously having her nearer would be ideal.

Unfortunately, transferring vet schools is pretty difficult to do, but we have already started talking to the school nearby where I'll be to see if it is something that is possible. They're looking into the curriculums to see how well they match and said they'd get back to us. So there is some hope there.

As far as how often I will see her and staying in touch we have talked about it quite a bit. Fortunately the job pays pretty well, and I was able to negotiate full work flexibility. I would be able to see her for long weekends every month, and can afford to fly her to me once a month as well. So there is a very real possibility of spending just about every other weekend together. I'm still working on my housing arrangements but I'm certain I can find a place she can stay with me when she visits.

I think one of the most important things is for me to get her to feel comfortable calling or Skyping me when she becomes worried or anxious. She often doesn't because she worries it will 'bother me,' but I really do think it would help us both with everything.

I will say that after talking about the details a little more the past few days she does seem to be a little better. So hopefully were making progress. Thanks for your help everyone!

[Redheart14]

Hope it all goes well.

[C.C.]

She most likely suffers from anxiety. The move triggered it but she needs to understand it's something she needs to deal with first and foremost

Like even if she can't go to a therapist or something for now, she should research stuff online and see what techniques could help her deal with it better. Like you moving has literally put something deeper and worse above the surface. You can pinpoint it better now, though, thanks to that. And deal with it together as much as you can!

Also,

It seems that no matter what I try I can't reason through any of it with her or pin down her concerns to help either.

This will never ever help when someone is locked in an anxious state. Their mind doesn't function the same way anymore during those moments, so logical reasoning will not do much. I suggest you research how anxiety works or see articles about how to be supportive for your close people who suffer from it. Also you need to understand that it's not your responsibility nor your fault that she has this problem. You should be there for her but you shouldn't feel bad when you can't help or something.

[SashaBL]

I can kinda relate to your girlfriend. She does sound like she has anxiety issues (or even depression?) she needs to confront and work with someone to overcome. Her worrying about "bothering you" is an example. And of course your move would not help. Me getting into a 6000 mile LDR triggered a severe spout of depression, which caused both of us much grief.
Personally, I think you need to go ahead with your job plan, or perhaps delay the starting date for a week or so if her situation is really bad, and if it's possible. But ultimately you need to set your boundaries and while helping her, stay mentally healthy yourself. You cannot be her best friend, boyfriend, and therapist all at the same time.
This is this website called themighty, which might offer some useful insights (just look under the anxiety section), also tips on how to support a partner with anxiety.
people with anxiety have irrational ideas and lots of insecurity. They also worry about being accepted as they are. Making her feel secure about the relationship would help, though i cannot give you detailed suggestions, given that I know nothing about here. Perhaps try to emphasize the positive. Good luck!

[thedude651]

Thank you for this SashaBL, it really helps. I am certain she suffers from anxiety, in fact she received some counseling in high school for it, but unfortunately it sounds like she didn't have the best experience which means she has a bit of a determent to the idea of getting professional help.

I will say that everything you say about worrying about being accepted and insecurity seem spot on. When I really sit down and talk with her (with the exception of when she is having a panic attack), and reassure her of our relationship and how I feel about her, she seems much much better. Obviously this is something I try to do often, and it does seem to be helping overall.

I will say though that I had a sister who had extremely similar symptoms and was ultimately diagnosed with anxiety/depression. She has been seeing a psychiatrist and received medication and it has made a huge difference. I would feel a lot better if I could at least convince her to talk to a professional so she realizes its an option and not something to be ashamed of. Would you mind sharing some advice on how I may be able to ease her mind and convince her its okay to seek help if she needs it? As a student she can even receive help for free, but she seems pretty reluctant of it (I think due to her anxiety). She seems to think getting help is like 'giving up,' and thinks that were they to find a problem it would only cause more problems in her life. I personally struggle to understand this to an extent, and was hoping that, as someone who has been in a seemingly similar position, you could help me understand it from her point of view. I would really appreciate it.

[SashaBL]

Hey Dude, I sent you a PM regarding your question.