My partner plans and thinks too far ahead. What can I do?

[TJ-LJ]

I apologise for the long post. But if anyone can offer suggestions or advice, it’d be greatly appreciated.

Planning and thinking too far ahead–This is the cause of a lot of our arguments, which is obviously very draining and not benefiting us at all while we are trying to organise my partner’s move to my country. I understand having a goal in mind, a general plan for the future. However, my partner takes it to new levels, and it’s honestly very stressful.

1: He will send me links to houses for sale that are worth $500,000+ that are absolutely ginormous, and tells me we can afford this in a year or two.
-The houses are always too big for two people, he’s not even in my country yet, neither of us have full-time well-paying jobs, and neither of us are eligible for a home loan until we’ve been in a full-time job for a certain period of time.

2: He’ll send me links to videos of cities in my country that we can move to, and then starts looking for houses to buy in each one.
-Some of the cities he chooses aren’t where I want to live. We haven’t even gotten through the first stage of having him move here and live in my town for several months to earn money. I’ve also always made it clear that I never want to live in a city, but I’d compromise for the outskirts or a suburb near-by.

3: He has a job lined up for when he arrives in my country, but instead of focusing on that, he is already planning for future jobs; what he’ll do, where he can apply, etc.

4: He has this “dream” to buy a campervan and travel around my country for 6 months, as a way for us to be adventurous while also searching for a place to settle down.
-He’s planning this before even having the means, the money, and the time for it to be possible. He seems to think during the first 3 months of working here, he can buy a campervan and set it all up for us. Campervans aren’t cheap, and with the job he’ll have it is 7 days a week, 8-12 hours a day. I don’t know where he thinks he’ll have the time or money to even buy and prepare a campervan!

5: He’s always researching cars that he wants, despite them either being too expensive or not accessible.
-He needs a car for when he moves here, and I have suggested to just buy one that will get him to where he needs to go for now. However, he is more focused on a more luxurious and powerful car that is not easy to find in my country. He’ll research for hours, and send me links to contenders, when I just want him to focus on getting here first and then we can go on the search for a car that is more affordable and suited for his situation and work.

6: He even goes as far as to plan that we will have a cottage/farm house, where our kids can grow up, followed by our grandkids.
-This is just beyond over-planning. I’m always speechless when he thinks this far ahead.

These are just some examples.

He has explained to me that he hates uncertainty, and planning actually makes him stress less. He said this move to my country is very stressful and frustrating, and so he is planning as much as he possibly can so that he is not faced with so many uncertain things. However, he’s taking it to extremes; when I think he needs to be planning in stages, focusing on the next couple of months and not the next several months/years.

When he tries to include me in these plans, I do become very angry. I am not someone who likes to plan so far ahead, as it stresses me out. I take each day at a time, though I do still make sure there is a goal that I work towards. I keep myself grounded and try to have a logical mind set, and I feel as though he is not on the same level. We can’t seem to ever work as a team when it comes to our future, because we plan in different ways and at different paces. He tries to include me in his plans, and loathes it when I disagree and prefer a different plan, or prefer to wait.

What can I/we do about this? I’m aware I should just let him do things the way he wants to do them, however when it’s greatly effecting me and how I choose to live/plan my life it becomes a big issue. Most of our plans include each other, it’s just he’s more focused on the distant future, whereas I am more focused on the here and now and the near future.

Thank you to anyone willing to help.

[Redheart14]

I think seeing he's the one making the sacrifice to move, he's got to have things to look forward to and aim towards. That's a good thing as it's showing he's committed to the move which is a huge thing. I think once the move is done and the actual routine of working and settling into a new place kicks in this may settle. I'd just take the links and things not too seriously, until its financially achieveable

[Rezie]

So when he tries to include you to his plans and you disagree. Is it like wants a big house in the suburbs and you say that you'd rather live in a flat in city center and then he gets upset? or you disgree saying that it's not appropriate to plan at this point and he becomes upset? Or when you agree "yeah, getting an RV would be great" does he take it as a promise?

Does he atively participate in the short term planning as well? Or does he only do the faraway planing?

Could be that he finds comfort in planning things faraway. He is makng a move and those things gives him comfrt that there are things to look forward to in the future. I would for now just go with it. I wouldn't agree or disargee with his plans. If he sens a link to a house "that's a pretty house" if he plans a trip "I've heard it's beautiful there". Once the short term plans are achieved then it's easier to plan a "real" future. That beign said, if he doesn't like it when you disagree with his plan and only wants to do his plan then we have a propblem. (i hope this message made any sense. My english is very broken today)

[TJ-LJ]

So when he tries to include you to his plans and you disagree. Is it like wants a big house in the suburbs and you say that you'd rather live in a flat in city center and then he gets upset? or you disgree saying that it's not appropriate to plan at this point and he becomes upset? Or when you agree "yeah, getting an RV would be great" does he take it as a promise?

Does he atively participate in the short term planning as well? Or does he only do the faraway planing?

Could be that he finds comfort in planning things faraway. He is makng a move and those things gives him comfrt that there are things to look forward to in the future. I would for now just go with it. I wouldn't agree or disargee with his plans. If he sens a link to a house "that's a pretty house" if he plans a trip "I've heard it's beautiful there". Once the short term plans are achieved then it's easier to plan a "real" future. That beign said, if he doesn't like it when you disagree with his plan and only wants to do his plan then we have a propblem. (i hope this message made any sense. My english is very broken today)

He picks a bunch of cities we can live in, whereas I've always made it clear I don't want to live in the cities. The main reason I disagree is because I don't know what the future holds, the other reason is because I'd prefer the outskirts of the city or a suburb. He gets annoyed because we're never in agreement, and he doesn't like me not being enthusiastic about his many plans. In regards to the campervan, we disagreed on it for a long time, until we came to a compromise. However he's now going back on the compromise, and wanting to follow through with that plan his way and by an unrealistic time frame.

It's mainly the long-term planning. If we ever have something recent we need to plan, then it's quite simple for us both to do. But he's always more focused on the very distant future.

Yes, that makes sense. Thank you for your input.

[Caro1]

Like you said, all of the above examples are plans in the very distant future. The further these plans are away, the more uncertainty and volatility there is. The higher the uncertainty is, more assumptions are necessary to plan ahead. Basing plans on assumptions instead of facts makes them much less likely to ever be implemented.

Some of his "plans" really sound more like dreams to me. The house he sent you a link to, is probably not going to be on the market when you get ready to buy a house anyway. So why worry about how expensive it is, you are never going to buy it anyway. (referring to example 1)
Same goes for the cars he looks at (referring to example 5) or the campervan (referring to example 4).

I do understand what your partner means by hating uncertainty and planning to make him feel less stressed. My mind generally works the same way, although my planning doesn't go into such great detail of actually looking at specific houses.

Him moving to you, means he will leave everything he knows behind.
Often that is not just a home or a job, but a whole culture. Everything will feel different in a new country.

It is natural to want to check out possible job opportunities even if he is probably not going to apply to any of those open positions right now. It does however kinda give you a general feeling if there are many open positions or if there is no demand for his skills. This may also vary by region, which is why it's worth checking out job positions in other cities, even if you don't plan on moving there right away. Austin, TX for example is a major IT hot spot, while it might be hard(er) to find such a job elsewhere. (referring to examples 2 and 3)

Because of the low probability of actually having to follow through with those plans/dreams of his, I just wouldn't take them so seriously.
This might also just be a conversation starter, to stir your conversations into the direction of thinking about future plans. Dreaming about what could be, gives you a good look into what you two want. Like you said, he might be a city-person and you hate cities. That doesn't mean that a relationship is doomed to fail, but just that you will have to compromise.

[erwin1973]

This might also just be a conversation starter, to stir your conversations into the direction of thinking about future plans.

If that is so, why does OP's SO get angry when she thinks that is not for her (like a house in the city while she repeatedly told him she does not like that? If it's a converstation starter, he should be open to other ideas. To me it looks more like he wants it his way or the highway...

[Caro1]

why does OP's SO get angry when she thinks that is not for her (like a house in the city while she repeatedly told him she does not like that? If it's a converstation starter, he should be open to other ideas. To me it looks more like he wants it his way or the highway...

I thought OP is the one getting angry when OP's SO talks about future plans. I might have misread the OP then.

[differentcountries]

Talking about the future is one of the main differences when it comes to personalities.

My ex was like your SO; always talking about and very loosely planning the future. We would buy a car, a motor bike, a cottage (instead of going to my family cottage), a house etc etc. He was looking at a flat we could buy when we were 50 years old. He was looking a places we could go for holiday that was very expensive etc etc. It was super stressing me out, as I like to make "real" plans and not just dreams. Until we had a talk about it and I started to refer to his ideas as his "dreams" and was engaging in them on a fantasy level, like dream about luxury really. The problem with this was apparent later, when he had real struggle accepting (I try to say this in a nice way) that even things that look regular come with a price and hard work, and that you may have to choose between the fun stuff and the safe stuff, to some extent. Hopefully your SO does not have this problem!

Wheras my now SO is the opposite; he does not like to plan anything, as he feels it would jinx things. We have talked very loosely that we would prefer to buy our build a flat or house in his coutry, but we are both aware that this may not be in the near future (especially not if we are going to have kids and even him relocating here will be costly). It is something in between a plan and a dream, and it gives us an idea of what we want to go for. I own a flat so he is sometimes engaged in it but he is also ambivalent because he know a house and flat ties up money. So we have sometimes been a disagrement because I wanted to fix up more things about the flat (in the future). But then I have come to (relucantly) agree with him that some of the things I want are not worth it (and would seriously delay our dream/plan of a summer home in his country), and so I have come up with some more modest plans for moderation.

When your SO comes with the big dreams, you may try to aqknowledge what his dreams entail and what this means to him - without having to say that you also share this exact dream!

For instance, you could say:
1. Those houses look really nice and spacious. If we live in the suburbs we might be able to afford something larger than in the city
2. It is great that you feel enthusiastic about different places to live. As you know, we have to start living where I am, but perhaps we can take outings or/and explore together online where we might want to en up
3. It is great that you think about expanding your career. When you arrive in my country, be sure to talk to someone on the job who can advice you further on how to do your job well, as well as your career options in the future
4. Campervans are nice, but as you probably know also expensive. Perhaps we can try it out for rent as a starter. It could be nice for our first small holiday together. When you work 7 days a week a holiday will be really good.
5. Cars are nice to drive in, and fun if you have even more luxury. When you get here, we can have a look at which cars are available for lease or purchase in our price range. I am sure we will find something you can appreciate.¨
6. Oh, you charmer. You sure know how to dream.

Tell him that he is entitled to his dreams, but any actual plans of course have to include your opinions. You can toss around ideas but they are not binding. You can use his ideas as a sounding board to share your own ideas and thoughts about the future, or various values that you have. Do you also want children and grandchildren? He has a cute dream for them.

I was just laughing when my ex planned the place we were going to live when we got to be 50, it was not a place I wanted to live but it did not matter because it was so far away into the future that it made no sense (we had not even bought our bigger regular flat at that point). He drove me there SEVERAL times, and each time I told him; yes, the view is good. Yes, it is green and quiet here. No, I dont neccesarily like the fact that no kids are allowed. I think it is borderline creepy. Also it does not have good access to grocery stores and as I dont know how to drive to that would be unpractical for me. Also we dont know anyone who lives nearby or want to. It feels closed off from the world. I would feel alone here. But I like it as a spectacle of nature. You can hold on to your idea, and we will talk about it in a 20 years time. - So, it was not a threat to me that he did this. It was just him voicing a dream.

[TJ-LJ]

Talking about the future is one of the main differences when it comes to personalities.

My ex was like your SO; always talking about and very loosely planning the future. We would buy a car, a motor bike, a cottage (instead of going to my family cottage), a house etc etc. He was looking at a flat we could buy when we were 50 years old. He was looking a places we could go for holiday that was very expensive etc etc. It was super stressing me out, as I like to make "real" plans and not just dreams. Until we had a talk about it and I started to refer to his ideas as his "dreams" and was engaging in them on a fantasy level, like dream about luxury really. The problem with this was apparent later, when he had real struggle accepting (I try to say this in a nice way) that even things that look regular come with a price and hard work, and that you may have to choose between the fun stuff and the safe stuff, to some extent. Hopefully your SO does not have this problem!

Wheras my now SO is the opposite; he does not like to plan anything, as he feels it would jinx things. We have talked very loosely that we would prefer to buy our build a flat or house in his coutry, but we are both aware that this may not be in the near future (especially not if we are going to have kids and even him relocating here will be costly). It is something in between a plan and a dream, and it gives us an idea of what we want to go for. I own a flat so he is sometimes engaged in it but he is also ambivalent because he know a house and flat ties up money. So we have sometimes been a disagrement because I wanted to fix up more things about the flat (in the future). But then I have come to (relucantly) agree with him that some of the things I want are not worth it (and would seriously delay our dream/plan of a summer home in his country), and so I have come up with some more modest plans for moderation.

When your SO comes with the big dreams, you may try to aqknowledge what his dreams entail and what this means to him - without having to say that you also share this exact dream!

For instance, you could say:
1. Those houses look really nice and spacious. If we live in the suburbs we might be able to afford something larger than in the city
2. It is great that you feel enthusiastic about different places to live. As you know, we have to start living where I am, but perhaps we can take outings or/and explore together online where we might want to en up
3. It is great that you think about expanding your career. When you arrive in my country, be sure to talk to someone on the job who can advice you further on how to do your job well, as well as your career options in the future
4. Capmervans are nice but as you probably know also expensive. Perhaps we can try it out for rent as a starter. It could be nice for our first small holiday together.
5. Cars are nice to drive in and fun if you have even more luxury. When you get here, we can have a look at which cars are avaiable for lease or purchase.¨
6. Oh, you charmer. You sure know how to dream.

Tell him that he is entitled to his dreams, but any actual plans of course have to include your opinions. You can toss around ideas but they are not binding. You can use his ideas as a sounding board to share your own ideas and thoughts about the future, or various values that you have. Do you also want children and grandchildren? He has a cute dream for them.

I was just laughing when my ex planned the place we were going to live when we got to be 50, it was not a place I wanted to live but it did not matter because it was so far away into the future that it made no sense (we had not even bought our bigger regular flat at that point). We drove me there SEVERAL times, and each time I told him; yes, the view is good. Yes, it is green and quiet here. No, I dont nessesarily like the fact that no kids are allowed. I think it is borderline creepy. Also it does not have good acess to stores and I dont know how to drive to that would be unpractical for me. Also we dont know anyone who lives nearby. I would feel alone here. But I like it as a spectacle of nature. You can hold on to your idea, and we will talk about it in a 20 years time.

Thank you for the in-depth response. I think I could try to acknowledge his dreams more in a subtle way, without having to agree with his plans and share the same ideas. Which I have done before, but sometimes he just takes it too far, to an unrealistic point and it can be quite frustrating. But you have made some good points, and I think both he and I could work on what we choose to share, how much we choose to share, and how we can support each other regardless of our differences. I can just hope that he will realise I don't have to agree with his plans and we can start to work as a team.

[erwin1973]

I thought OP is the one getting angry when OP's SO talks about future plans. I might have misread the OP then.

You are right, I was wrong. I misread. My apologies.

[kittyo9]

I'm gonna come out and say that I'm guilty of being an intense planner sometimes, so I stand more in your SO's shoes. When things get uncertain, I plan. I plan as far ahead as I can. I look at every possibility and think about all the different times and ways I can make something happen. No one I've dated has ever been as much of a planner as I am. Part of it is wishful thinking, and part of it is because I hate the uncertainty and I'm doing everything I can to make myself feel better by reviewing my options and checking my expectations so that I'm prepared and comfortable making a decision if/when it finally comes around.

When he tries to include me in these plans, I do become very angry. I am not someone who likes to plan so far ahead, as it stresses me out. I take each day at a time, though I do still make sure there is a goal that I work towards. I keep myself grounded and try to have a logical mind set, and I feel as though he is not on the same level. We can’t seem to ever work as a team when it comes to our future, because we plan in different ways and at different paces. He tries to include me in his plans, and loathes it when I disagree and prefer a different plan, or prefer to wait.

I think your SO needs to hear the above, if you haven't communicated this to him already. I know I get caught up looking at possibilities when I'm planning things sometimes and it kind of snowballs from there. After a while I recognize that my ideas are so far into the uncertain future that they obviously can't be pinned down, but sometimes it's also fun to dream a little.

I can't really tell if your SO is serious about these really expensive things-- if he is, then you two need to sit down and go through a realistic budget together and show him what it would take to actually be able to afford those things. For example, not only does a luxury car cost a significant amount upfront, but it also requires high insurance premiums, high maintenance costs, and a significant amount of upkeep. A large/luxury home costs significantly more money and costs more to "operate", so to speak. If he isn't serious, I wouldn't worry about it a lot, but again, let him know how you feel in that statement I quoted above.

What you can also do is ask him to help you plan things in the near future-- for example, you need help finding a place that you both like? Set the boundaries for him-- location, price range, requirements-- and let him do the searching. It can be a busybody thing or a serious thing, but either way, it keeps you in control while letting him plan ahead (even if it's not as far ahead as he likes). If you don't like the things he's choosing, tell him why and make that another requirement for the search.

He sounds like he's itching to do something and frustrated with being unable to do anything.

[Sgoddard280982]

Hello I'm new here so please take what I say with a pinch of salt. But I am a planner and I did the planning the future thing too. My girlfriend not so much. What I worked out in the end is I was feeling insecure about the move and the relationship in general and it was my way of confirming/convincing myself that the move could work. I'm not sure if this is what is happening with your partner. But I found that once I had figured out that was what I was really this thinking I was able to let it go and start to focus on one thing at a time.

[hmrambling]

I believe there are two kinds of people in this world: Balloons and Bricks.

Balloons are the dreamers who kind of have their heads in the clouds and love to make big plans that they cannot always fund. These are usually the artists of the world. They paint pretty things and sing pretty but sometimes they're heads simply aren't in the game financially.

Bricks are those people who want to know how a plan will be funded, and structure a realistic plan. Bricks want concrete answers and often analyze a great deal while weighing many options.

I am admittedly a brick who is attracted to balloons. While I love me a good balloon, sometimes it can be frustrating to communicate with a balloon because their plans might not need to be as concrete as mine. They might make plans but have no way to really fund those plans.

I cannot take credit for the concept of brick and balloon because it was told to me by my pastor. He admitted that he is a balloon and that he has to work on communicating with bricks.

So how do I communicate with my SO balloon? Well I ask her for clarification and ask her what she means, and sometimes ask her if it is a realistic plan or if she is sharing a dream with me... or maybe a future goal that she wants to work toward. We have to work to communicate because I am a brick, meaning that sometimes I take things very literally.

Right now she's going to grad school for music. She's working on a PhD, and she really doesn't know exactly what she wants to do with that PhD. Am I concerned about that? Sometimes. Do I worry a lot about that? No, not really. I know her well enough to know that she will figure out some way to sustain herself with a PhD in music. She's gotten this far. And sometimes it takes a little faith, too.

I encourage you to think about this concept and work on how you can communicate with your partner about his hopes and dreams.

edit: corrected typo

[Rezie]

my partner jokingly called me a dream destroyer. when he has a job interview he says it was amazing. he is the best. they are stupid if they don't hire him. Then I'm there going "please remember that there are a lot of applicants". he feels I'm bringing him down and indont believe in him and I'm trying to protect his feelings. we have come to terms with this and both are toning down our views about this.

for OP. the thing that is slightly worrying that if he feels like the plans become almost like promises. dreaming is good but if the other one says "yea, cool" then he takes it as a promise.

I'm a planner. But there is a difference between planning for fun, planning realistically and just dreaming. op said that there was a fight about a campervan. if the distance is not closed should her bf be having an argument about when to get a campervan. sure "when we close the distance we should get a campervan" is perfectly normal planning but going to specifics...

I would say to communicate. accept his links and don't say yes or no. stay neutral. and tell him that you are happy with dream planning but at this point concrete plans are not appropriate due to short term goals needed to achieve first

[rache82]

Aaaah, he sounds excited, very excited which is very understandable, but also understandably a little to soon for a lot of this. Just gently tell him one thing at a time and he could be overwhelming you a little.
All the best for the move.