There Has Got To Be A Way: A desperate cry for help

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm not really sure where else to go with this, I'm hoping at least one person can lend me advice beyond 'good luck' or 'things will get better'.

Summary of the situation thus far:

So everyone who's a regular here (or some, at least) knows my guy works at the Disney World park, he's been there since January. At first it was a temp job, just something for money, but he got hired on full time in Spring, then in May was promoted to a management position. Since he's been working there we've dealt with him only getting days off every 6 weeks or more, but he wasn't working long hours. Since the summer months began, it's been 9 am-12 am or later on weekdays and 7 am-2 am on weekends. We've gone from talking every day, to talking every few days, to talking every other week, to the last time we've really talked being early August. Our communication is now reduced to me texting him every day and getting a text back perhaps once a week. A phone call's like goddamn Christmas Morning to me, even if they're 5 minutes only.

The forced distance between us in this sense is driving us both up the wall. He doesn't have time to even check his e-mail anymore, much less IM me before work like he used to. I've tried being the stronger of us two, clinging to hope that with the kids back in school his hours would let up again, but they seem to have gotten worse. We planned for me to visit this month (he can't visit, I'm the one with the funds saved up and the time) but it fell through, and next month isn't looking any better either.

I guess the impossible thing I'm asking is, is there a way we can rectify this horrid situation so at the very least he has free time again? It's obvious he needs a new job, but he obviously doesn't have time to look and I can't exactly do that for him from here. Is there anything I can do? I'm at the end of my rope, I've got to find the light at the end of the tunnel or risk losing the rest of my mind.

[5000miles]

I wish I knew how to fix this for you, but the best I can say is that he really needs a new job. I know he doesn't particularly have time to look for a new job, but even if it's just during his breaks or 5 minutes when he gets home early in the morning at work he should check online listings and send emails explaining that he works freakish hours but would try his hardest to work something out for an interview (even in that means calling in "sick"). Find out what kind of job he would be interested in changing to and look on craigslist in his area. Then you could email him one or two a night and he could really quickly email them his resume and tell them his situation before going to sleep. Or, if he really doesn't even have time for that, ask him if he would be okay with you doing it for him. If he could send you his resume and give you access to his email, you could email places for him (double check with him before hand to make sure it's something he wants to apply for.)

I don't know if any of this will help, but those are the best options I can think of at the moment... If he was in my area I'd tell you to send him to where I work, I'd give him a job I truly hope things get better for you and him. You guys deserve a break.

[folclor]

Well, as far as his job goes...doesn't sound like they're being very fair to him. Does he have some money saved up? If he has a decent amount he should put in his two weeks notice. With the two weeks notice he'll still be able to get a little bit of income and, afterwards, have the freedom to look for a job and talk to you. If he doesn't have anything saved up he needs to talk to his supervisor. Though it seems like they don't let up very often they can sometimes be quite understanding. If he tells the supervisor he's being run into the ground with stress and overworking and his relationship is suffering, too, because of it they should let him off at least a few hours more. If his supervisor refuses...well, he needs to save up all he can so he can quit and have enough income to sustain himself for a little bit while looking for a new job.

As for the communication...well, that only gets better when the job situation clears up, doesn't it? =/ There are some ways you may be able to help, though. If he can't look for a job, perhaps you can look for things online for him. There are lots of sites like snagajob.com where you can see places that are hiring in your area and apply without ever having to walk in. I know a friend who got a job at Kohl's that way. But that way you'd be able to give him a head's up, if not apply for him (if he gave you his info).

Other than that...well, I wish you the best of luck. *huggles* I know this is hard. Have faith, things will turn out for the best if both of you keep trying.

[MoonWatcher]

I've read your situation a few times over. I'm not a regular, but judging from your past posts you seem like a pretty straightforward and honest person. I'm also not very good with advice, but understanding your desperate situation I felt a pull to say something.

The honest truth: It doesn't sound like there is anything you can do about his job situation. That REALLY sucks, but in order to hopefully rectify the situation as you said you're going to have to face that fact head on. IMO, he should be the one taking the initiative and really have a sit down at his work and tell them he needs some hours cut back, move to part time or quit. I know it's never that simple but I can't really think of anything else that could fix it, aside from you moving there if you have enough funds (which wouldn't do much good either if he's never at home). But seriously, working over 100 hours a week (if my math is correct...) is RIDICULOUS for anyone to work! He's saving this money for himself and you, correct? If it's hindering the relationship, there's no point in working his butt off like that. A few hours reduced from his schedule will make you and him a lot happier (and less tired I imagine), and in the long run the extra pay won't make that much a difference in comparison to bringing your lives together. I also realize that may mean taking longer to be together. But like I said, the job is a means to an end, and that end is the relationship going from an LDR to CDR.

If he can't change his hours/look for another job... Is there any way you could find work where he's at? That's also much easier said than done, but maybe starting to look wouldn't hurt. I don't know if you're in school or not still or whether the hopeful plan is for him to move where you are, but seeking a position is better then waiting and helps you to feel like you're doing something.

A quick fix would be to just go and see him. You said that may not be soon, but if you set the plans in a definite motion to where it's a 100% thing, the time will fly by.

Also, just out of curiosity, even though he doesn't have time to come see you right now, don't people who work at Disney World make big bucks?

I really hope this helps, and remember that you ARE strong and you WILL make it through this. Sanity is not a necessity all the time.

[Zephii]

Are there like, no laws in America to regulate this kind of thing? Can't he speak to his boss and ask for one day off a week or something. That isn't unreasonable and it's unlikey he'll lose his job no matter how worried he is about that happening, because he's already shown them he'll let them treat him like shit, and most bosses tend to like that in a worker.
Really, the only way this will get fixed is if he stands up and says "Enough" and makes time with you a bit more of a priority. I get that everyone has to work, everyone needs money etc. But no one has to work SO MUCH they can't do anything else. That's a choice. He can make another choice. It's in his power to do so.
He's not leaving time for anything in his life other than work, and that's not really a life at all.
I don't think there is anything you can do - I think the ball is in his court.

[LadyMarchHare]

5000miles and folclor: The big hindrance in doing the whole job search beside time is he has no car. Where he lived before he was having to take an hour long public transit bus to get to and from work. Where he lives now, he has to rely on carpooling with coworkers. I know reliable transportation is a factor in jobs and he does not have that. I could certainly look up jobs for him, but he wasn't keen on the idea the time I tried getting him a job here (back in June) and he has contacts/relatives in Florida, so I imagine it's a matter of pushing him to talk to them. Which goes on the assumption he wants to leave. It's a horrible job, but he's gotten so far in such a short amount of time.

MoonWatcher: I pretty much realize that, but I'm stubborn and I feel there's always something I can do, even if it means doling out a kidney. As for the job, as he put it once: they're Disney, they can get away with murder. He had to ride through two instances of having 103 degree fevers in order to even apply for a management job because they had a point system where if you miss a day, it's a point regardless of the excuse and you could only have like 3 points before you were out the running until next year. He did get virtually 3 weeks off two months ago but it was because his mom had a diabetic episode and he had to go home to Georgia. I'm pretty sure they're making him pay for that time at present. As for how much he makes, as a temp it was right at minimum wage. His current salary I don't know, but I imagine it's enough to have his own apartment and feed himself.

I have considered finding me a job in the area, he's offered me jobs before, but I'm not exactly sure I'm mentally able to hold a job and I have to be careful of my earnings since I'm currently on disability. Honestly at this point in time I'd be quite happy for 10 minutes of face time every night at 2 am before he passes out than texting him and wondering if today I'll get a reply or, even more rare, a phone call.

The people he works for are not very sympathetic, they're not nice, and I can tell you the park goers are worse. Heck even the insurance sucks, a doctor's visit is a $250 co-pay.

[LadyMarchHare]

Are there like, no laws in America to regulate this kind of thing? Can't he speak to his boss and ask for one day off a week or something. That isn't unreasonable and it's unlikey he'll lose his job no matter how worried he is about that happening, because he's already shown them he'll let them treat him like shit, and most bosses tend to like that in a worker.
Really, the only way this will get fixed is if he stands up and says "Enough" and makes time with you a bit more of a priority. I get that everyone has to work, everyone needs money etc. But no one has to work SO MUCH they can't do anything else. That's a choice. He can make another choice. It's in his power to do so.
He's not leaving time for anything in his life other than work, and that's not really a life at all.
I don't think there is anything you can do - I think the ball is in his court.

They schedule his days off for him and have the right to revoke them. The one time he received an entire week off, after day 1 they said 'loljk' and put him in management training + work the rest of it.

And I do believe you're right, it is his choice to work there, which is why I'm fighting to figure out how to either dig his ass out myself or show him the means to do it himself and be the support I need to be. It's simply very hard to do so when there's little tread left on your mental tires.

[Zephii]

Mate, you often put yourself down, and I know you've got more than your share of issues holding you back, but if in your heart you know there is something you must do to set things right I know you can do it. Giving up isn't half as easy as people make it out to be, may as well get up and fight if you're going to suffer anyway! Even though you feel like you've got nothing left, you do, or you wouldn't be posting here. Take heart and know that you can do anything you set your mind to. If you want something it's yours if you're willing to reach out and take it (and sometimes that's a lot of reaching!).

Hattie loves you. I'm sure he misses you and wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. He's probably just overwhelmed, overworked and scared. Sometimes boys wait for someone to come rescue them too, as much as fairy tales have us believe otherwise.

I don't know. You need an opportunity to talk to him! Find out if he's happy and if this is what he really wants. If it is, well you're screwed. But if it isn't maybe there is some way you can help... but you need to get permission before you roll in and start fixing his life for him.
I don't know how you'll do that. Hell, be creative, call his work in tears and tell his boss someone died and you need to speak to him right now.. or something. You'll find a way!

[Èternity]

It's obvious he needs a new job,

hmm maybe not. Has he said he wants a new job? What does he want? If he gets a new job he may have to put in crazy hours to establish himself in the new job while he is the 'new kid'. This could go on for months and if you want him to be with you in January he may not be able to do that starting a new job. As an aside I would really get that January vacation booked now for two reasons 1. to give Disney some notice2. to get something you can look forward to.

So I'm thinking that if the only problem is the hours then the goal could be to 'Reduce hours to <40?/50?> hours per week staying in the same job'. If he hates the job for reasons other than just the hours then that would lead to a different goal maybe getting a new job.

You both need to be clear and in agreement on the goal, so you can move forward and not feel like you are wasting your time on researching ideas and options on the wrong goal. So first I would get some time for you both to get clear on the goal. Once you have a goal then you can be the researcher for him on options and steps to take towards the goal. So that's the first step you could take. Second step is options.

So here is an example, just ideas. If the goal is just to reduce hours in the same job then options could be:

- renegotiate his hours?
- turn down shifts?
- ask co-workers what hours they work and how they got those hours?
- is he under a 'contract' and can he refer to that when talking about his work hours to his boss?
- is he in a union and does it have a stipulation around max hours? Does he have a union representative he can speak with on his situation??
- ask for his old job back before management (? drop in pay?)
- arrange a meeting to talk to his boss for an annual review/chat about the past year and where he is going work wise?

If the goal is a new job in FL then he/you could:

- write down a list of his skills which he could 'transfer' to another job - he has a lot of management skills now that could go across many jobs
- write down all the aspects of a new job he wants ie. pay, hours, conditions ie no weekend work etc
- look for this job @ Disney
- look on job boards to see what jobs match his requirements at other places
- ask friends if they have any jobs going at their work?
- are there any 'job expos or job fairs' happening in the coming months that he could go and talk to people about all sorts of jobs he might like?
- go and talk to a recruitment agency about what he might like to do in the future and how to get into that field?

So there are my ideas. If I've not been clear on anything let me know and we can bounce ideas around and get a plan happening.

[paulawriteslove]

Wow, his job is being completely unfair to him. He should have more benefits and days off for sure! I think he needs to talk and try to arrange more time for himself. But he needs to find a new job! You can help by looking for him and emailing him what you find I wish you the best of luck!!!

[Moon]

Sadly, I don't think there's a whole lot that can be done about this situation, other than him quitting the job. But really, that's not much of an option, if you think of it realistically, not with jobs as scarce as they are. Is Disney completely taking advantage of him? Yep, but Disney can do whatever it wants, and you just have to wait it out. If your SO is interested in hospitality or retail management, this is the life they lead, very long hours, not a lot of pay and not being treated respectfully are part of it. If you can't stick it out for awhile, your only option is to move, your SO might be in an awful position now but it could lead to some very good opportunities for him later and he has a right to pursue that. Women are FAR more likely to give up careers for a relationship than men are, I've read several times that men define themselves by their careers, whereas women don't. Schedule a heart-to-heart with him, and between the two of you, figure out how you're going to handle this. There's nothing you can do really, and unless he's telling you first how much he hates his job and needs to change, you're just being the annoying girlfriend who is putting even more pressure on him, in his eyes.

Don't give up until you've had a good conversation, the wait might be worth it in the end. Good luck.

[LadyMarchHare]

Sadly, I don't think there's a whole lot that can be done about this situation, other than him quitting the job. But really, that's not much of an option, if you think of it realistically, not with jobs as scarce as they are. Is Disney completely taking advantage of him? Yep, but Disney can do whatever it wants, and you just have to wait it out. If your SO is interested in hospitality or retail management, this is the life they lead, very long hours, not a lot of pay and not being treated respectfully are part of it. If you can't stick it out for awhile, your only option is to move, your SO might be in an awful position now but it could lead to some very good opportunities for him later and he has a right to pursue that. Women are FAR more likely to give up careers for a relationship than men are, I've read several times that men define themselves by their careers, whereas women don't. Schedule a heart-to-heart with him, and between the two of you, figure out how you're going to handle this. There's nothing you can do really, and unless he's telling you first how much he hates his job and needs to change, you're just being the annoying girlfriend who is putting even more pressure on him, in his eyes.

Don't give up until you've had a good conversation, the wait might be worth it in the end. Good luck.

I have months of backlogs and texts describing to me in perfect detail why he hates that place, his hours being one of them as they've increasingly lessened his life outside of "eat, sleep, work". Nevertheless I do feel the annoying girlfriend role as I'm not sure what to do, hence my asking here. And I apologize in advance if this comes out rude, I'm really in a bad state at the moment, but exactly how am I to schedule diddly squat with him? I couldn't schedule a phone conversation if I tried as those only come when he can get a 5 minute 'smoke break'. At this point in time there is, quite literally, no time for us to do anything but have clipped conversations via text. I say clipped because he can't type well on his cell and his service is so shoddy it may take hours for him to get 1 message. I remember once he received a text from me at 3 am I sent at 6 pm. And honey I could stick it out for years if I wasn't so blatantly aware they had him bent over a desk proverbially shoving a white hot branding iron up his ass because they're a corporation that can get away with it and for the sheer fact he's kiddy piss in terms of importance. If he wasn't being mistreated and deprived of a life I wouldn't be clawing at the walls the way I am.

Eugh, sorry that's a bit more dramatic than it needed to be. My point is I can't just up and have a talk with him, I can't bite my tongue and bide my time waiting for things to either get better or for him to up and realize he needs a new job to save his sanity as well as mine, and I can't see how me moving out there does anything as it does not solve the car problem, it's quite questionable about me having the ability to even hold a part time job, and I'm not sure he could afford having someone else in the house. I'm not making excuses, it's just not as simple as it's being made out to be. I've got shit ten miles high piled on this situation and not a dadgum pooper scooper to be found.

[mrsbubbles]

I have months of backlogs and texts describing to me in perfect detail why he hates that place, his hours being one of them as they've increasingly lessened his life outside of "eat, sleep, work". Nevertheless I do feel the annoying girlfriend role as I'm not sure what to do, hence my asking here. And I apologize in advance if this comes out rude, I'm really in a bad state at the moment, but exactly how am I to schedule diddly squat with him? I couldn't schedule a phone conversation if I tried as those only come when he can get a 5 minute 'smoke break'. At this point in time there is, quite literally, no time for us to do anything but have clipped conversations via text. I say clipped because he can't type well on his cell and his service is so shoddy it may take hours for him to get 1 message. I remember once he received a text from me at 3 am I sent at 6 pm. And honey I could stick it out for years if I wasn't so blatantly aware they had him bent over a desk proverbially shoving a white hot branding iron up his ass because they're a corporation that can get away with it and for the sheer fact he's kiddy piss in terms of importance. If he wasn't being mistreated and deprived of a life I wouldn't be clawing at the walls the way I am.

Eugh, sorry that's a bit more dramatic than it needed to be. My point is I can't just up and have a talk with him, I can't bite my tongue and bide my time waiting for things to either get better or for him to up and realize he needs a new job to save his sanity as well as mine, and I can't see how me moving out there does anything as it does not solve the car problem, it's quite questionable about me having the ability to even hold a part time job, and I'm not sure he could afford having someone else in the house. I'm not making excuses, it's just not as simple as it's being made out to be. I've got shit ten miles high piled on this situation and not a dadgum pooper scooper to be found.

The thing is, without having that heart to heart you two aren't really coming to terms on this situation. You should first text him "Hey, we need to talk," and he should be able to find a way to communicate with you. If you both have bee working tirelessly to make this relationship work, I'm sure he wants you to know how much he cares for you despite his extremely busy schedule. Because, if you do not make it clear that you are concerned for not only your relationship with him, but also his well-being, how is anything going to happen? And while Disney IS a huge corporation, he can certainly attempt at asking. Don't stop yourself short, and neither should he. He should speak to a trusted person who is in a position to at least suggest a change. Just because he asks if it's alright he could have his hours cut, it does not mean they are going to kick him to the curb. The worse they can do is say no and the situation will not change, in which case he should be job hunting.

You mentioned that you wanted to help him job hunt? Most places have online applications or organize job fairs. Apply to as many as possible. If he is too busy to do it, ask him to send you his resume so maybe you can do it for him. So even if seeing each other is difficult, you are helping him significantly. Look at places like snagajob for job placement in both his area and yours. Have you discussed him moving to your area? (If you mentioned this already, I apologize for asking a repeated question!). I know this might be dramatic, but maybe he could ask for a demotion? That is a last resort, I think, but an option either way.

Not all is lost, m'dear! Disney is definitely a tough cookie, but they're not God either. He needs to have a serious career conversation with them, citing that it's not simple complaining but rather it is effecting his sleeping and eating schedule which can be detrimental to his health. But I definitely urge him to speak to someone who knows him, because if he needs an advocate, he will have one. It's always good to have inside support who can relate, you know? Because if the situation is as bad as you describe it, and he was become a slave of sorts, that IS illegal. Don't you swallow up how you feel about the situation because it's insanely important to communicate how you feel. Never, ever, think your opinion or feelings don't matter. Especially in a LDR.

Best of luck hun, I'm rooting for you. <3 (I apologize for my typos, it is late and I am sleep deprived myself)

[Moon]

I have months of backlogs and texts describing to me in perfect detail why he hates that place, his hours being one of them as they've increasingly lessened his life outside of "eat, sleep, work". Nevertheless I do feel the annoying girlfriend role as I'm not sure what to do, hence my asking here. And I apologize in advance if this comes out rude, I'm really in a bad state at the moment, but exactly how am I to schedule diddly squat with him? I couldn't schedule a phone conversation if I tried as those only come when he can get a 5 minute 'smoke break'. At this point in time there is, quite literally, no time for us to do anything but have clipped conversations via text. I say clipped because he can't type well on his cell and his service is so shoddy it may take hours for him to get 1 message. I remember once he received a text from me at 3 am I sent at 6 pm. And honey I could stick it out for years if I wasn't so blatantly aware they had him bent over a desk proverbially shoving a white hot branding iron up his ass because they're a corporation that can get away with it and for the sheer fact he's kiddy piss in terms of importance. If he wasn't being mistreated and deprived of a life I wouldn't be clawing at the walls the way I am.

Eugh, sorry that's a bit more dramatic than it needed to be. My point is I can't just up and have a talk with him, I can't bite my tongue and bide my time waiting for things to either get better or for him to up and realize he needs a new job to save his sanity as well as mine, and I can't see how me moving out there does anything as it does not solve the car problem, it's quite questionable about me having the ability to even hold a part time job, and I'm not sure he could afford having someone else in the house. I'm not making excuses, it's just not as simple as it's being made out to be. I've got shit ten miles high piled on this situation and not a dadgum pooper scooper to be found.

Well, yep, that certainly did come out rude, but you asked and you aren't the only person who doesn't believe in sugar-coating their words. Apologizing for being rude in advance only implies you intended to be rude to begin with, but whatever. I'm sorry you're in this situation and I don't believe anyone is trying to make it sound simple, but it is what it is, and there isn't much more advice you can be given, only you and your SO know the true complexity of your situation, and can try to work it out accordingly. I honestly struggled to write what I really think, but didn't, and now I'm glad I refrained, as it will only piss you off more.

I'm sorry if you aren't getting the answers you hoped for, but it sounds like you're in a no-win situation. The only other thing I can think of is for him to talk to other employees in different areas and see how it is for them. If he's a decent employee, maybe he can apply for a position elsewhere in the park. Employers almost always would rather hire from within.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well, yep, that certainly did come out rude, but you asked and you aren't the only person who doesn't believe in sugar-coating their words. Apologizing for being rude in advance only implies you intended to be rude to begin with, but whatever. I'm sorry you're in this situation and I don't believe anyone is trying to make it sound simple, but it is what it is, and there isn't much more advice you can be given, only you and your SO know the true complexity of your situation, and can try to work it out accordingly. I honestly struggled to write what I really think, but didn't, and now I'm glad I refrained, as it will only piss you off more.

I'm sorry if you aren't getting the answers you hoped for, but it sounds like you're in a no-win situation. The only other thing I can think of is for him to talk to other employees in different areas and see how it is for them. If he's a decent employee, maybe he can apply for a position elsewhere in the park. Employers almost always would rather hire from within.

And that's why I apologized, I knew it would sound offensive, which at the moment can't be helped as I'm not quite in the best state.

It's not that I'm not getting the answers I was looking for, really I had no idea what to expect, as I am pulling up job sites and trying to see where he lies on getting a new job I just felt that I suppose things were being taken lightly and glossed over with that "everything's fine" sort of sheen this forum's known for. I could go on about how this particular section of the park is obviously pulling some illegal things but like I said it can get easily covered up, but I know that pretty much does zilch. The higher ups don't negotiate, they schedule his hours, his days off, and it's a rare day they're merciful.

Again, I am sorry about how my words came out and how I'm acting. I'm at the end of my rope.