Commitment Issues leading to a life of distress! help !
So, me and my partner have been together 4 years and have spent 1.5 years apart due to my partners re-location with work. Everything was perfect until the move, the usual happy go lucky couple, occasional tiff but mostly happy and the butterflies fluttered. Fast forward to 1 year apart and we argue every other month, and these are intense arguments! With the distance we become keyboard warriors just bashing out characters to form destructive sentences fuelled by distance anger and sadness.
He came down, we see each other every couple of months taking it in turns to fly back and forth. Out of nowhere, he started speaking of marriage and how he wanted me by his side and in his permanently and by the end of the year. It was a beautiful moment, little girl dreams flashing before my eyes of commitment and no more distance. It was a beautiful moment! Fast forward a few months later and I get a call of 'I can't do this, I won't do that'. He no longer wants to get married, it was an idea fed to him by my words of 'I will not wait until we are 30 years old to get married' (we are 27). Also, 'if it wasn't for societal pressures and family expectations I would never get married' speeches. It broke my heart, into tiny pieces of rejection. I spent a couple of days crying in bed and we took a short break of not exchanging words. I had already planned to go out and see him in Aug, after the infamous 'lets get married' conversation he mentioned wanting to surprise me with an engagement and then slipped in 'can you please come out in August?'. Stupid me for having expectations, because the only surprise I got when there was the daily struggle to no communication regarding the elephant in the room.
Then comes the conversation a day or two before I leave, the dreaded tears flowed and the definite answer given that due to visa implications and various what if scenarios he 'couldn't' and 'won't' consider marriage. The idea of me going over on a spousal visa will put too much strain on him mentally, because what if something goes wrong or he loses his job? My answer, we move wherever we want together. But his answer, I couldn't leave with the pressure of having to consider the effects on you as well as on himself. The what ifs are endless. The visa implications reasoning endless too. When I asked him for commitment, its 'I moved here for us and I'm all alone here and I... I...'.
He says he can't promise me a life together because that would be lying, because he has no control over his life and his visa situation. He is on a 5 year visa with work, its going great and they have promoted him in 1.5 years. But he has no control and therefore cannot offer me anything other than long distance and ask me to be patient. When asked what he can promise me, the answer was 'we will do this until we can't do this anymore'. I cried the whole flight back and then some. Thinking that after the rejection and heart break that seeing him and talking it through would make things better, would quieten the voices in my head, but it did the opposite. The voices of 'do you trust him?' when hes out at bars with the guys and so on, the beauty of trust issues which were settled and walls taken down for someone you deem the love of you life, is they come flooding back the minute rejection is heard or felt.
Now, we argue all the time. I cry all the time and have basically hit depression with a belly flop and that bitch stings! I stayed in a job I dislike to make my CV stronger so when applying to jobs out there I'd have enough experience, spent this whole time applying and being rejected! I spoke to lawyers for options, took care of his mum and literally saw her every other week for dinners to ensure she was taken care of. I flew my ass out there on numerous occasions and listened to 'when we get married', 'of course I'll marry you when you get a job', 'I want you here and will do anything to get you here'. I tried everything in my power and the universe had other ideas. I even paid for his car, idiotic of me but the butterfly dreams of 'this is for our future because it'll make our credit score look great for buying a house when you get out here', I believed him. Then a few weeks later he exclaims 'I can't buy a house while on a visa.. blah...blah...blah'.
Basically, this relationship that was home and everything I'd every ask for is going to shit because I want a life together NOW, whereas he can't accept marriage and won't accept it. He would prefer I take three months and go out there to look for a job, this would mean leaving my job (yes I hate it, but its my only income) and taking responsibility if all fails. We had a ridiculously intense argument recently, mainly fuelled by my anger and sadness, mainly because of our conflicting marriage opinions. We almost broke up and haven't spoken in a week. Maybe asking for marriage is my fault, but a commitment of any scale would suffice and he can't even make me a promise. Patience is not a virtue in my world, it's a trait I do not posses but have tried to be so for him and support this venture because it's great for his career progression. But if it was his gesture for us to have a life together, how can 1.5 years apart be justified? Am I being selfish after 4 years and turning 28 to want to put roots down, to want to enjoy our life together and actually build a home and plan for the future together?
Losing my mind, because my mind says run and my heart wants nothing more than for the distance to be over! Any advice will be helpful! Please! Please!
He came down, we see each other every couple of months taking it in turns to fly back and forth. Out of nowhere, he started speaking of marriage and how he wanted me by his side and in his permanently and by the end of the year. It was a beautiful moment, little girl dreams flashing before my eyes of commitment and no more distance. It was a beautiful moment! Fast forward a few months later and I get a call of 'I can't do this, I won't do that'. He no longer wants to get married, it was an idea fed to him by my words of 'I will not wait until we are 30 years old to get married' (we are 27). Also, 'if it wasn't for societal pressures and family expectations I would never get married' speeches. It broke my heart, into tiny pieces of rejection. I spent a couple of days crying in bed and we took a short break of not exchanging words. I had already planned to go out and see him in Aug, after the infamous 'lets get married' conversation he mentioned wanting to surprise me with an engagement and then slipped in 'can you please come out in August?'. Stupid me for having expectations, because the only surprise I got when there was the daily struggle to no communication regarding the elephant in the room.
Then comes the conversation a day or two before I leave, the dreaded tears flowed and the definite answer given that due to visa implications and various what if scenarios he 'couldn't' and 'won't' consider marriage. The idea of me going over on a spousal visa will put too much strain on him mentally, because what if something goes wrong or he loses his job? My answer, we move wherever we want together. But his answer, I couldn't leave with the pressure of having to consider the effects on you as well as on himself. The what ifs are endless. The visa implications reasoning endless too. When I asked him for commitment, its 'I moved here for us and I'm all alone here and I... I...'.
He says he can't promise me a life together because that would be lying, because he has no control over his life and his visa situation. He is on a 5 year visa with work, its going great and they have promoted him in 1.5 years. But he has no control and therefore cannot offer me anything other than long distance and ask me to be patient. When asked what he can promise me, the answer was 'we will do this until we can't do this anymore'. I cried the whole flight back and then some. Thinking that after the rejection and heart break that seeing him and talking it through would make things better, would quieten the voices in my head, but it did the opposite. The voices of 'do you trust him?' when hes out at bars with the guys and so on, the beauty of trust issues which were settled and walls taken down for someone you deem the love of you life, is they come flooding back the minute rejection is heard or felt.
Now, we argue all the time. I cry all the time and have basically hit depression with a belly flop and that bitch stings! I stayed in a job I dislike to make my CV stronger so when applying to jobs out there I'd have enough experience, spent this whole time applying and being rejected! I spoke to lawyers for options, took care of his mum and literally saw her every other week for dinners to ensure she was taken care of. I flew my ass out there on numerous occasions and listened to 'when we get married', 'of course I'll marry you when you get a job', 'I want you here and will do anything to get you here'. I tried everything in my power and the universe had other ideas. I even paid for his car, idiotic of me but the butterfly dreams of 'this is for our future because it'll make our credit score look great for buying a house when you get out here', I believed him. Then a few weeks later he exclaims 'I can't buy a house while on a visa.. blah...blah...blah'.
Basically, this relationship that was home and everything I'd every ask for is going to shit because I want a life together NOW, whereas he can't accept marriage and won't accept it. He would prefer I take three months and go out there to look for a job, this would mean leaving my job (yes I hate it, but its my only income) and taking responsibility if all fails. We had a ridiculously intense argument recently, mainly fuelled by my anger and sadness, mainly because of our conflicting marriage opinions. We almost broke up and haven't spoken in a week. Maybe asking for marriage is my fault, but a commitment of any scale would suffice and he can't even make me a promise. Patience is not a virtue in my world, it's a trait I do not posses but have tried to be so for him and support this venture because it's great for his career progression. But if it was his gesture for us to have a life together, how can 1.5 years apart be justified? Am I being selfish after 4 years and turning 28 to want to put roots down, to want to enjoy our life together and actually build a home and plan for the future together?
Losing my mind, because my mind says run and my heart wants nothing more than for the distance to be over! Any advice will be helpful! Please! Please!
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