Jealousy, insecurity, balance

[Tenebrae]

Hi all,

As I noted in my recent introduction thread, I'm in a newish relationship (four months) in which it seems pretty clear to me that my interest in my girlfriend is rather stronger than her interest in me. This isn't to say she isn't interested; we clicked immediately, have gotten together three times with the fourth coming up this weekend, and we have already become very intimate on many levels. But she is a performing artist and has clearly, literally given her life to her art, and that means that while I may be high on her list, I will never rate first; second is as high as I can ever hope to get.

Furthermore, while I always go "all in" in a relationship (maybe good, maybe bad, but it's just a fact), she has many prior commitments that she either can't or won't break. Next week, for instance, she's off on a vacation to an exotic location for a week that she has had planned for months (probably since before we met). I'm unable to make it, but it hurts me a bit that she hasn't even _asked_ if I could make it or expressed that I won't be there with her. I'll be seeing her this weekend, but she will have a ton of work to do, so our quality time will be limited, and then next week when she's free I won't be there and she seems oblivious to my frustration about that. :-(

Part of me is being unfair on this point, because while I have no vacation scheduled, I will be taking one in May that she won't be able to go on. But I will at least express the sentiment to her that I wish she could be there with me.

I know that the usual advice here (I don't mean to sound as if I'm dissing it or critical of it) is not to build your life around your LDR, but instead to maintain balance, have hobbies, have nearby friendships, have a life, and such. It's obvious my girlfriend is able to do this very easily, while it is MUCH harder for me. It does lead to feelings of insecurity and even jealousy that I need her more than she needs me. I care about her so much that I am willing to put up with this, at least for now--I believe that given my life circumstances and hers, I am fortunate to have her at all. But still it is very hard on me. I do realize that at this early stage I am still crushing on her, and after the crush has worn off and we've had time to make long-range plans that take more account of each other, I hope that things will be better, but for now it's agony.

Not sure I'm looking for advice or just consolation or even a slap upside the head, but feel free to let me know your thoughts. has anyone ever experienced this? What's a guy to do? Thanks for listening.

[MariaEx]

First of all, I believe your feelings of insecurity and jealousy are genuine and you shouldn't doubt them or feel guilty for having them. Your feelings are reaction to her actions and her actions disappoint you. Instead of feeling insecure, I believe you should talk to her and make clear what you want and accept and what you have to offer in this relationship. I dated an artist (musician) for 4 yrs and sometimes his actions made me feel just like you expressed. I was younger and since then I regretted feeling guilty for asking what I wanted. Don't get me wrong, I am not overgeneralizing regarding artists, I am speaking from personal experience only and maybe my ex bf was an exception. But I urge you to talk to her, let her know and don't feel intimidated. Protect yourself and your feelings, I am sure you are worth it

[erwin1973]

It might help you to write down your questions first, so you don't forget any of them. And without you telling her, she'll never know how you feel. Be sure you don't say 'you', 'you', 'you', but 'I feel', 'I think', 'I like'... That way you keep the things by yourself and make it not feel like you attact her.
Just a thought.