I believe this is the end of our LDR

[ILoveYou22]

We met 13 years ago, had a brief romance and I ended things but we never completely lost contact. Last summer he contacted me online and we felt this instant strong connection.

I went to my hometown on holidays at that time (I now live in another country and he is still in our hometown) and we got involved. It was nice and we talked about continuing long distance. I felt at the time that he was very focused on his own life and not wanting to open up much to someone else, but he said is just the fact that he has been on his own for a long time, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

So we continued through text message and Skype, etc, and talked about being together and close the distance. It is easier for him to move here but because he has never been here before, he took a week off from work and visited me 1 month ago.

He enjoyed being here but we did clash in a lot of things. When he was back he said he definitely wants to move here but has no idea of when that would be. I find it very selfish to do that because basically he is saying to me "hey sit down confortably because you are going to be waiting a long time for me and I don't even care to tell you how long".

I have been trying to reach a compromise but he just doesn't want to. He was concerned I wouldn't wait for him until he was able to move and I told him that I would wait for him, but I need to know that he is doing things to actually move and have a deadline to close the distance.

The only plans he really does is for holidays and visits and plans for his own life: his work, his house, etc. Nothing else. He said he wants to look for a job here but he doesn't even have his CV translated to English yet, which is basic stuff.

I don't see him ready to move or make any plans, and I don't see myself waiting without knowing anything or without seeing him motivated to come and doing things in that sense.

He seems to be motivated to continue his life the way it is and have like a "part-time lover" at a distance for holidays and visits. And I want an actual commited relationship with someone that is ready too to open up to another person, have stability and feel we are creating something together.

So I believe I am ending things today with him and staying just friends because I am exhausted and drained with all this. Any advice guys? Thank you.

[TJ-LJ]

If you don't feel he is putting in the enough effort to move forward in the relationship, i.e. making specific plans to move, organising the whole thing, and not just saying he'll eventually do it etc, then I believe it is best to move on. It's not fair for you to wait indefinitely, without any proof that he will actually move. If he gave legitimate reasons why the process was a little slow, then I'd consider waiting it out. But if he just simply isn't putting in the effort, then I don't believe it's a relationship or one that you should hold on to and hope for the best. You seem sure on what you want to do, and in the end you've got to do what's best for yourself. Being exhausted and drained due to a relationship is a clear negative sign. So, my advice is end things and move on. Good luck.

[Rezie]

I think it's best for you to end this.You've posted quite a few similar topics here and it really gives an indication that it is bothering you that you don't have a solid plan. If it causes you this much anxiety then it is not worth it. You are on diffferent phases in the relationship. He is propably in the phase that you have dated less than 6 months and is not ready to make a "promise" on end date since you haven't been together for long and would like to plan holidays to get to know each other. You need something more to hold on to.

You both have the right to feel how you feel. But since we are talking about such a short amount of time I can't really view him as a jerk who is stringing you along. Could be that he is, but we don't know. I think it
s best for you to move on and find someone on your schedule. Best of luck.

[ILoveYou22]

Thanks guys for your anwers.

I know we haven't been together that long and since the summer we have only been together twice. It's not that long to make a move to another country yet, but my point wasn't that one. My point was that I don't feel that is something that he wishes to start planning or having a deadline, etc. He only makes plans for his own life where he lives or plans for visiting me.

I guess I am not good in LDR's and I can't stand the thought of not being close to the other person, waiting for months on end to see if we finally are closing the distance, etc. That makes me extremelly anxious, frustrated and sad. I want someone close to me and do things together as in a "normal" relationship.

I do like him and we do have a great friendship and also a great physical chemistry. So, I guess the only way I could go on would be by not taking anything seriously with him. Seeing it as just a casual thing, a part-time lover or whatever. No expectations and not getting emotionally invested.

But the thing is, I think we do have a deep connection that wouldn't allow for a superficial thing. And I don't really like casual superficial stuff, I really feel ready and willing to be in a commited relationship.

He actually told me recently that before we started talking last summer he wasn't thinking or wanting to be in a relationship with anyone. But at that time I was thinking about it and I felt I was prepared to be in a relationship again (after I separated from my ex 3 years ago). So I guess we're not on the same "channel".

No I don't think he is a jerk. He is a nice guy, he's just not ready for anything else at the moment. It is not easy for me to let go of him but is harder to stay in this relationship like this.