Fight or flight?? What should I do?!

[lovingnotwaiting]

This is my first LDR and I don't know what I am doing and am not sure how to sort out my feelings so I am panicking. There are so many obstacles in our relationship that you'd think one would end it, but I can't because we love each other and want to try everything possible to stick it out. I just don't know what's normal for an LDR or what's been done. I feel like I just have to list out our problems to see it written down and to get someone else's insight on this:

1) We started an LDR early on in our relationship. I literally saw him every day all day for a few months before I moved away, we have been dating for 6 months total. I feel like these early months is a crucial time period in our relationship in terms of learning about each other and how we work together, and that has been happening at a super slow pace because of the distance.

2) He is waiting until marriage to have sex, which I respect. We do everything else that is not penetrative so that is a great compromise, but the waiting does not make the LDR any easier.

3) My support system is lacking. Idk why, but a lot of people around me who's opinions are important to me all think LDRs are too hard to be worth it and don't take my relationship seriously. My parents aren't too excited because he is a teacher and they say they want someone who can financially contribute to the relationship later on (PS I'm going to be a doctor).

4) He is applying for jobs abroad for next year. He told me that if it would risk the relationship ending, he wouldn't leave the country, but I love him and I know he is passionate about exploring new countries, so I told him not to let me stop him from applying. But tbh I am absolutely terrified and the idea of even less contact due to time differences and increased physical distance makes me almost sure it couldn't work.

5) I just feel cheated by the LDR, helpless even. I love him so much and I want to take him everywhere, buy him everything, satisfy him, always show him how much I care/love him, and just be there for him but I can't. I can only do so much from so far away, and him going abroad will make my ability to do these things even less.

I know this is a long post, but these are my major issues. A lot may say end it, it's not worth it. Sometimes I consider this myself. But something in me can't. Something in me wants to fight. I have never felt this type of connection with anyone, no one else has ever shown such genuine love towards me and vice versa. If this ends, I need to know that I tried everything possible before it does. If anyone has any opinions, insights, similar experiences, positive energy, please share. Thank you!

[Tenebrae]

I''m sorry you're going through this. I'm a newb, both on this site and to LDRs, but your point 5 in particular resonates with me. I suspect that it describes many, many people here. I could have written those words myself.

I'm also in a situation where my LDR GF's career is a potential obstacle in that I know how important it is to her, which carries the risk of straining the LDR. Again, I suspect that this isn't an uncommon problem around here.

My advice is to fight. Keep fighting until it becomes clear, one way or another, which path the future lies. I myself am fighting it out and hope for a brighter day, so you won't be alone.

[erwin1973]

Hi and welcome.

First of all, and LDR si difficult. But... if he is the right one, it's worth it. If you don't mind, I would like to go by your major points one by one and give you my thoughts (and I can only speak for myself, of course) and my experiences.

1. You are lucky to know him personally, that you have been CR first. That, though, does make an LDR not easier. But on the other hand, you know you'll be probably be doing great when together. I understand you're able to see him every now and then. That's great, to. Charish that, it's important. Lot of us go through an LDR without meeting for months, or even years. I am with my lady now for 15½ months and we have yet to meet. I agree that these early months have been crucial and you know what you miss - but you also know what you can expect!

2. I don't know if I fully understand the connection between the first and last sentence of #2, but I guess you're referring to 'waiting to have sex'. If so, be happy you have some physical contact, that you can be intimate sometimes, even if 'it' is not happening. Again, it is more than most of us have. Good you respect his choice, there are not many men like that (I'm a man, I should now... lol). Of course you have your needs, but it's a great sign of loyalty from him, in my humble opinion.

3. Most people don't understand an LDR. My own parents and sister don't support me. In fact, there is only one who does: a good friend of mine. I didn't tell too many people because I know they'll be questioning. Don't listen to them. Listen to your heart. Were your parents together when your father was in the army? If yes, that was an LDR too... Did it work? Probably, because they got married afterwards. You get my idea? People think of an LDR being something new. It's not, it's just different from 30 years ago. Again, many people don't understand or are even unwilling to understand. Leave it that way. I know it's hard, I love to share my happiness with my parents, but I can't so I don't. Just charish the good moments you have together, and keep your LDR where it is: in your heart. Find that one friend you have that does understand. The reason of your parents is, in my opinion, obsolete. Don't they believe in love? It's better to love someone who's loving you and his job, than to have to live with somebody rich who you can't stand. You're an adult, you make your own desicions. Act like that, even if they are your parents.

4. That is hard. I know. I was planning my first visit in Sept. 2018. May be that will have to be delayed, because my lady might get to work abroad. I understand you're not happy, but it's very sweet and kind of you to still support him. That is telling a lot. Also him telling you to not go if that will endanger your relationship, is telling a lot. That means you really do love each other, in my opinion. My lady and I are 7 timezones apart. I have been lucky enough to be not working for a boss, so I can plan my time. But then, still, better a little contact than no contact. And you can make it up in the weekends, may be? It can work. There are people here that are litterally half a world apart (UK - Australia) and that works. All you have to do, is trust him, trust yourself, and believe in it.

5. Remember you can't buy love. He loves you for who you are, not for what you give him materialistically. Just be there for him on the chat / cam, show him you love him by what you do and say. Whenever you're together, do nice things. Of course him going abroad is making it more difficult, but not impossible. All you have to do is believe in it.

It also looks like you're an overthinker (I know I am, I recognize a lot of you in myself in that case). Try to live your life and get him in. Don't build your life around him, that's making it too hard and you'll crumble. Make time for him but do what you want to do or have to do. Go to school, go out, do your hobbies, be there when you have scheduled a chat or cam.

In my opinion, and I agree with Tenebrae, he's worth fighting for. Be strong.

[Hitomi]

1. You are lucky to have met him personally, so that is a solid foundation. However, once you turn LDR, it is a hard adjustment because you're so used to him being there 24/7 (or at least being able to see him every day). While I may not have this problem myself, as my LDR was far from its beginning, I know friends who have.

2. Good things come to those who wait. Cherish all of the intimacy you have together, even it doesn't actually involve actual sexual intercourse. Yes, it is a long, hard wait, but LDRs aren't easy in that aspect. It ties into # 1, given that it means you're still used to having physical contact when he was nearby.

3. I do understand this, to an extent. My immediate family, while they had accepted my own LDR from the start years ago, they had remained skeptical at times. Lately, because we got engaged two years ago, my mom will give me all sorts of warnings and lectures in relation to marriage because small things end up triggering the topic to be brought up (when marriage will not be for us for another few years). So, I would suggest finding people (who are a POSITIVE INFLUENCE) like close friends who can be a support system. This forum, too, can be a positive influence we're all in LDRs and there are those who have managed to close the distance.

4. Oh, I know this well. But only because I was in your boyfriend's position. Not only did I end up being sent abroad/out of the country to finish college there (due to personal and financial reasons), I ended up going back abroad again (weeks after graduation) to find work in order to gain experience. I only just came home two years ago. My LD fiance (who was my boyfriend back then until he proposed two years ago) and I had been apart for nearly seven years due to those circumstances (I was away from 2008 to 2015). Communication was initially wonky when I had gone away for school because of timezones and how the Internet was sucky at first (until we upgraded things and such). But I will reassure you that you'll be able to keep contact (depending on where he's going abroad too). Just always make sure to make time for each other and keep communicating as much as possible. I'm not talking about just through social media and e-mails. Even handwritten letters will do! Voice and video calls will do as well. Keep all routes to communication open!

5. Both of us felt this way too. He felt this way while I was abroad, though he got better at it. I myself have been feeling this a lot more lately when I came home two years ago because, while the timezones and distance aren't that big this time (when we're both in the US in different states), there's always the fact that we're still far apart up to now. And it has been driving me crazy in frustration because it always feels like something is getting in the way of us needing to close the distance and be permanently together. Mind you, our LDR has hit its 13th anniversary recently, so you can see why I feel my patience is about to officially snap. But at least that, too, will come to pass since I'll be moving to his state next year/month to study and find work there. We may not be able to live together just yet (you'd think this would add to my feelings of being cheated, which it does a little but I'm surprisingly not too bothered), but at least we'll be closer. All I can tell you here is love is tangible and cherish all the times you have together. It may not be what you want right now, but always be there and support each other while you're far apart. Always be reassuring and never hesitate to talk about your feelings either. Don't resent each other because of the distance and don't fight over petty, trivial stuff. Plan for nice things when you actually will be physically together again. Etc.

But most importantly, trust each other. You can have all the communication and love in the world, but your relationship fall apart if you don't have trust there. You will need it, especially in the most difficult of times when the distance is getting to you.

If you still feel strongly about this and want to make it work... then, be all means, you should fight for it. Because from what it sounds like in your initial post, you've already have your answer. ;D