Hello, I just joined this forum because I really, really need support and advice on a very sticky problem.
I am 50 years old, married with 2 kids. Four years ago, I met up with my first love after 30 years. He was married too, with a daughter. We instantly realized that the old feelings were still there and we had never got over each other. We started an affair and decided to leave our families and be together. Our relationship was always a long distance one as we live in different cities and we met at University.
We started meeting again every 2-3 months for a few hours around the middle of the distance. He has always been my soulmate and he says I am the only woman he has ever really loved in his life.
We decided to do this a year ago, 2 years after we met again. I must say I was sure I wanted to be with him from the start....he was too, but he felt more responsible for his family, especially his daughter whom he adores. She is 20 now, 16 then. Also, he has been unemployed for the last 5 years and not independent financially, whereas I am.
Anyway, we decided he would move over to where I live, I would leave my husband too and we would start anew together. On the very day I was expecting him to come, he backed off. He said he could not bring himself to leave his daughter, and he could also not be financially dependent on me while looking for a job, as this would make him too insecure and would eventually ruin our relationship too. He said it was over between us, because although he loved me more than anything, this could lead nowhere. I cried, begged, called, texted, cried, talked, cried some more....eventually he agreed to us being together again....but no time plans.
In the summer, he said he would try to get a job as this would be the only way we could be together. He asked me whether I would be willing to go abroad with him if the job required him to. I said yes. So he applied, and they told him they would inform him by the end of this year.
In the meantime, I felt the relationship was somehow different. I felt very insecure about what had happened and was being needy and putting pressure on him. Maybe because of that in part, also because he probably felt very anxious himself, he was not so loving and outgoing.....long silences, many times he refused to speak to me after a fight for days and weeks on end, ignoring all my calls and messages....He was also less communicative. I also started feeling I was investing much more in this than him. I could literally think of nothing else, my whole life started revolving around him and us being together......Nothing made me happy any more and we seemed to be arguing more often.
We use to speak on the phone daily and chat online every evening. I must say, most of the evenings I insisted on speaking about my insecurities and asking him to commit and give me time frames all over again.....and he refused, saying that we have been through this, we know where we are standing and what we are expecting and want and there is no point going all over it again and again.
He has been cancelling our last meeting for the past 6 weeks, every week at the last moment. The reasons are valid, his uncle died, he was working, he had a back problem and was not allowed to drive.....but for me it was really hard. The last straw came this weekend. We were supposed to finally meet on Sunday and Saturday he cancelled, saying he is totally broke till the end of the month....I flipped, shouted at him and hung up on him. We didn't speak on Sunday. I really wanted him to make the first move, but he didn't as always. I tried calling him today, swallowing my pride, and he texted me that he doesn't want to talk and it's over. I texted him saying that I love him, that I am sorry I overreacted and want to explain things and talk things over. We texted back and forth, me asking to talk, him saying he does not want to, it's over.
I feel so devastated and so desperate and lonely. I just don't know what to do. I really love him and I think he does too, this whole situation is so hard and so frustrating for both of us. He is much more in control than me and this often makes me feel he does not care enough. What should I do? Does he really mean it's over?
I am 50 years old, married with 2 kids. Four years ago, I met up with my first love after 30 years. He was married too, with a daughter. We instantly realized that the old feelings were still there and we had never got over each other. We started an affair and decided to leave our families and be together. Our relationship was always a long distance one as we live in different cities and we met at University.
We started meeting again every 2-3 months for a few hours around the middle of the distance. He has always been my soulmate and he says I am the only woman he has ever really loved in his life.
We decided to do this a year ago, 2 years after we met again. I must say I was sure I wanted to be with him from the start....he was too, but he felt more responsible for his family, especially his daughter whom he adores. She is 20 now, 16 then. Also, he has been unemployed for the last 5 years and not independent financially, whereas I am.
Anyway, we decided he would move over to where I live, I would leave my husband too and we would start anew together. On the very day I was expecting him to come, he backed off. He said he could not bring himself to leave his daughter, and he could also not be financially dependent on me while looking for a job, as this would make him too insecure and would eventually ruin our relationship too. He said it was over between us, because although he loved me more than anything, this could lead nowhere. I cried, begged, called, texted, cried, talked, cried some more....eventually he agreed to us being together again....but no time plans.
In the summer, he said he would try to get a job as this would be the only way we could be together. He asked me whether I would be willing to go abroad with him if the job required him to. I said yes. So he applied, and they told him they would inform him by the end of this year.
In the meantime, I felt the relationship was somehow different. I felt very insecure about what had happened and was being needy and putting pressure on him. Maybe because of that in part, also because he probably felt very anxious himself, he was not so loving and outgoing.....long silences, many times he refused to speak to me after a fight for days and weeks on end, ignoring all my calls and messages....He was also less communicative. I also started feeling I was investing much more in this than him. I could literally think of nothing else, my whole life started revolving around him and us being together......Nothing made me happy any more and we seemed to be arguing more often.
We use to speak on the phone daily and chat online every evening. I must say, most of the evenings I insisted on speaking about my insecurities and asking him to commit and give me time frames all over again.....and he refused, saying that we have been through this, we know where we are standing and what we are expecting and want and there is no point going all over it again and again.
He has been cancelling our last meeting for the past 6 weeks, every week at the last moment. The reasons are valid, his uncle died, he was working, he had a back problem and was not allowed to drive.....but for me it was really hard. The last straw came this weekend. We were supposed to finally meet on Sunday and Saturday he cancelled, saying he is totally broke till the end of the month....I flipped, shouted at him and hung up on him. We didn't speak on Sunday. I really wanted him to make the first move, but he didn't as always. I tried calling him today, swallowing my pride, and he texted me that he doesn't want to talk and it's over. I texted him saying that I love him, that I am sorry I overreacted and want to explain things and talk things over. We texted back and forth, me asking to talk, him saying he does not want to, it's over.
I feel so devastated and so desperate and lonely. I just don't know what to do. I really love him and I think he does too, this whole situation is so hard and so frustrating for both of us. He is much more in control than me and this often makes me feel he does not care enough. What should I do? Does he really mean it's over?
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