When his ex gets back in touch after 7 years

[QueenReginaMills]

Sorry if this is a topic that has been done to death. So a long time before I knew my SO, he had this LDR with an American girl for a few weeks. My understanding was that it ended very badly with her accusing him of not loving her enough (although I'm not clear on what exactly led up to that). They had had no contact for seven years, and he was fine with that, he'd moved on from that relationship, he had no interest in renewing contact.

This New Year, Ex suddenly started subscribing to his blog and sent him a private message along the lines of "Good to see you're still updating, how have you been doing these last few years?" and commenting a happy new year on one post. He couldn't understand why she had suddenly done it.

He has been honest with me about it, and I do believe him when he says he's got no interest in any future contact with her. However, he did reply to her PM basically saying he was doing good, asking how she was doing and wishing her a good 2018. To my knowledge she has not replied.

Honestly I'm not entirely sure I understand why he replied to her. Without getting into it too much, from what I know things got very bad mentally in the few weeks after she ended it, and the thought of her being back again worries me for that reason. But while I would have preferred him not to engage with her, I also understand it isn't my decision to make, and I told him as much, not thinking for one minute he'd actually reply to her. (After he sent it though I did admit I would have preferred for him not to have sent it during OUR chat time.)

I know there's no "one answer fits all" answer to the question of whether or not to ever stay in contact with an ex and that it depends on the individual circumstances. For me, there's only one person who really qualifies as an ex and I do know that if he was to message me now I would shut it down, there was just too much pain there and I'm not interested in ever having contact with him again. I don't know whether I would block him without a word or whether I would say something like "Thank you but I would prefer not to have contact with you." But I do know I wouldn't exchange any pleasantries.

Has anyone else ever had either their, or their SO's, long ago ex ever come back like this after years? How did you handle it?

[Lio]

Last September, my ex came back to a group of a forum where we met, with a new account. This group was dead, but we were about three people, including her, to keep it alive - the forum really died, for good, on Halloween day.

My ex is a Finnish girl - it was another LDR - and we had a kind of not too bad break-up, even though it happened in the middle of my second visit to her. I decided to stay there until my trip ended though, because first, going to Finland costs some money, and second, we had a cruise to Sweden few days after and I didn't want to miss it. This second half of this visit was hard, and she complained about me sulking. As if I was going to say "Thank you for breaking up with me".. After I was back in France, it quite went worse, with her sometimes sending me messages about me, which were actually meant to others, and sometimes behaving in a bitchy way. It then sometimes got better, but it went worse and worse, until she blocked me on Facebook and Skype. She then found out I got to know she slept with her ex, who was at this time the boyfriend of her friend.

The break-up happened in April 2014, and she blocked me about four months later, a bit less.

Last September, she came back on this forum, with this new account - new account, new me, to explain shortly - but I found out this was her. I wasn't sure in the beginning. Once I got to know it was her, I got to know few things, like being engaged, living in a house, thinking about children.. She always belittled me about it after the break-up, sometimes before, as she always was ahead of me in things of life. Even though we grew up after this bad break-up, I didn't particularly enjoy to talk with her again. When I told my SO about it, she got upset and especially worried, as she was scared of me to leave her for my ex. But, who am I to tell my ex not to come to this forum anymore ? Also, I didn't want to leave there just because my ex got back, with this new nickname.

Finally, the forum decided to stop being online, and put an announcement on its Facebook page. We then lost contact again, though I didn't really care. My current relationship is what matters to me.

Few days ago I noticed my ex unblocked me on Facebook. If she ever adds me there, I won't accept her.

[QueenReginaMills]

Thanks for sharing your story. When Ex came back with the new username, did she interact with you much?

I completely understand re not accepting her if she tries contacting you on Facebook, it sounds like the best way. While I do believe my SO that our relationship is the one that matters to him, I just don't understand why he bothered replying. In a moment of temper I asked "Do you honestly care how she is?" and he said "Not really." So why couldn't he have just deleted the message?

[Lio]

Not unreasonably in my opinion. If was a few posts in a thread on this group, everyday, but not for a long time. She was firstly away during some time - and at this time, I wasn't 100% sure it was her, even though few things made me think she was this "new member" - such as her birthday and the way of writing. After she got back - she was on a trip -, I got to know it was really her as we were three active people in this group at this time : the both of us and an Austrian guy. I was telling him about my occupation as a musician, then she posted about it - that was the confirmation this "new member" was my ex. Then after some days, maybe about two or three weeks, she was away again, then the forum died.

My SO was upset though. She really doesn't want me to contact my ex, as she knows what happened. Even though I didn't enjoy talking to my ex, and I feel she didn't enjoy that much either, I thought it would be immature to ignore her or to treat her like shit. Three years and a half happened since the break-up, we've grown up. Also, she stated about being engaged with her boyfriend, and I told about my SO as well. As long as it was not more than respecting each other and not becoming friends on this forum or on Facebook or anywhere, that was quite fine to me.

I think your SO thought this way : his ex contacted him, he replied as a mark of respect, and that's it. I think he doesn't expect more than this. I understand that you may think more than this, but if he doesn't care much about it, then I think the right thing to do is letting it go, unless his ex comes back again and is showing a suspect behavior, such as trying to get back at him. As long as this doesn't happen, then there is nothing to worry about.