Ideas on Staying Close and the Balance of Each others needs

[Edyn]

So my boyfriend and I fight a lot when we are apart from each other. Not so much when we are together. I want to do things for us to stay close while we're apart so I've been writing him letters every couple days, that I will send to him. It's good for me because when I don't get a chance to talk to him I can just write what I'm feeling. I gave him some when he was here last, and he had said that he would write me letters. He did, but he forgot them, so eventually after me bugging him a bit he scanned them and emailed them.

Getting him to write letters was a pain.. he didn't want to and didn't like to do it because he feels like he always has writers block. He's holding that against me now. So I guess that won't work. I don't know what to suggest because his schedule is very random. He gets calls for jobs whenever. So things like watching a movie together won't really work. I've asked him to take pictures of his place, that was about a month ago, and he didn't. I asked him again when we got into a fight and then I guess he tried, but his camera died. He doesn't just do any of these things... Maybe I'm expecting too much.

We both have skype accounts, but we haven't used them lately. I haven't set up my computer since I moved back into my moms place (using my moms comp now). I haven't even thought of using skype. He suggested it the other night, but that was when he was horny so I think you get the picture... He's even asked me why he should sent me pictures of his place when I haven't sent him any sexy pictures of myself for a while. I've been feeling kind of insecure so obviously taking sexy pictures isn't something that goes through my mind.

We should both be meeting each other needs and clearly neither of us are doing it. I don't know how to balance it. His needs are much more sexual than mine and I don't feel sexual unless I am emotionally content..

Any advice?

[Edyn]

Anyone? :P

[Michelle]

Wow I can see why you are upset. He seems very selfish to me in the way you portrayed him. His excuse for not sending pics of his place is because you haven't sent him naughty pics in awhile??? Please. He is only thinking of himself and his sexual needs and really isn't taking your feelings into consideration at all. You shouldn't have to trade naughty pics for stuff he should be doing for you anyway.

Please talk to him about this and how ridiculously selfish he is being. If he doesn't start respecting you more, drop him.

[LadyMarchHare]

People express affection in different ways. I think the most you can ask your guy is he do things he's comfortable in doing and doesn't feel pressured into, just as he has to respect you're not comfortable with taking sexy pictures just because he wants you to.

Just talk to him about it. Explain what you'd like him to do, see if he'd try at least once without feeling pressured and ask what he would like you to do and see if you can try any of them without feeling pressured. Compromising's part of a relationship but that doesn't pertain to compromising your comfort or any degree of your happiness because they say 'jump'. Have you combed through the huge list on the main site on things LDR couples can do together? You might get some ideas of things you can do while he's there and won't be too hindered if he gets called in the middle of it. I know movies are pretty much out since it dampens the moment when one has to leave as are any intensive games, but it might give you some ideas for time wasting.

[Zephii]

That last line there is the key. "I don't feel sexual unless I am emotionally content.. " Tell him this!

And then both of you have to make an effort. Sometimes, you will make all the effort, sometimes he will make all the effort and sometimes you'll meet half way. But you don't get anywhere with the attitude "why should I, when he wont?", so sometimes you just have to get in there and break the stalemate - even when you're not getting diddly squat in return.
Talk, find out what it is each other is missing - then learn to meet those needs for each other. You might have to even explain how your needs are met from certain actions because understanding brings acceptance. Sometimes you really have to dumb it down and tell your SO exactly what you want.

What it comes down to is communication and effort. No matter how busy life gets, you can choose to make time for each other, even if it's just five minutes.
Good luck.

[Mio]

As everybody said, try to talk to him, a serious conversation, try that it doesn't turn into a fight, cause it looks to me he can take it that way. You should stand firm for what you want and expect in this relationship, and he should tell you his point of view, because it is the only way you can both be happy here. Hope you can all find a happy medium!

[mynameiseric]

Amanda and I are the same way....we'll fight about the dumbest things when were not together, and when were together its basically perfect. We dont fight, we get along great and have an amazing time together. Her and I are veryyyy good at talking to each other and telling the other how we feel. And like everyone else has said, you should do the same.

Communication is a bigggg thing, you need to tell him how you feel about how selfish he's being, but if you don't tell him, he wont know. guys, nor women are not mind readers, you need to tell your SO how you feel so they know they are doing something wrong, have a good, serious talk, and if he changes then thats great, if not, then just keep working at it. Problems take time and aren't solved over night

[Edyn]

I've tried talking to him about this. I've told him that I'm not in the mood for anything sexual unless I'm emotionally content. I've tried before to put his needs before mine, but he still doesn't meet mine even when I'm the one to break the stalemate. I keep asking how we can improve our relationship and stay close while he's away and he gets mad. Says I'm annoying him and that I'm being negative about our relationship. It's like he just cant understand that there actually is a problem and thinks I'm just being ridiculous. He's even said multiple times "you're the one who decided to wait until after Christmas to come here". Like it's my fault this is happening or something? Obviously I know there's a problem and I'm not going to just leave my life behind and move to another city to be with him when I don't feel good about our relationship. Maybe I expect too much from him? Maybe I'm needy, I don't know.

I have combed through that list, and there's a lot of great things. I'm just so frustrated and not sure how to approach it anymore. It seems like he thinks he's already making enough effort and I'm just so negative so it's all me that's causing problems. I have no idea how to fix this when he can't even take enough time to realize that there is a problem.

[Michelle]

I don't think you are asking too much from him. Please don't blame yourself and call yourself needy when all you have done is ask for the most basic things. He is the one not making any effort. He doesn't even hear you out when you tell him how you feel. He isn't respecting your feelings. I hate that. I don't mean to be negative but I always think that we deserve more than that in a partner and we shouldn't have to fix them to make the relationship work. When you find the right person you won't have to worry about having to put up with this stuff. No one you find is going to be 100% perfect but they should at least respect you and care about your feelings and be willing to put effort in the relationship.

[Silviar]

Another big point I think you need to ask yourself is this: do you want someone who doesn't realize there's a problem when you've made it clear there is?

[Karringtyn]

I think the problem is he isn't hearing you. He truly is thinking of himself and his needs and using that to keep things going the way they are. IF he acts like a big baby...he will eventually get his way type of thinking....

He wont send you pics because you haven't sent any sexy ones? Puhleeze. *shakes head*...yeah...I understand the whole emotional needs not being met. Saying how you feel isn't you being negative it is you trying to sort things out. Him not listening and placing the blame on you for the problems...in my opinion....is very immature.

[LadyMarchHare]

If he thinks he's making the effort and you aren't, ask him to list exactly what he's done. If he can't name at least 3 things and have them not be lies or truth-stretching, you let him have it. List the ways you've made effort too. But really it sounds like he's just pushing blame onto you to make up for the fact he's a lazy SOB. You aren't asking for the world here, there's no excuse.

[amandamayaaa]

Amanda and I are the same way....we'll fight about the dumbest things when were not together, and when were together its basically perfect. We dont fight, we get along great and have an amazing time together. Her and I are veryyyy good at talking to each other and telling the other how we feel. And like everyone else has said, you should do the same.

Communication is a bigggg thing, you need to tell him how you feel about how selfish he's being, but if you don't tell him, he wont know. guys, nor women are not mind readers, you need to tell your SO how you feel so they know they are doing something wrong, have a good, serious talk, and if he changes then thats great, if not, then just keep working at it. Problems take time and aren't solved over night

yes eric and i have great communication, we arn't afraid to say anything to each other, communication is key

but you don't want to just be beating on something that isn't working. he clearly doesn't understand that there is a problem, and the whole sexual thing is not a good sign at all. make sure you just let him know that sex is not the only thing in a relationship.. you shouldn't have to give him a sexy picture to get something in return from him.

and i agree, don't move if you don't feel good about it

just try sternly(but not yelling or attacking) talking to him, and telling him that this is a serious problem