How we go about our 'first time' SAFELY without our religious parents knowing?

[throwaway]

So I believe a little back story is necessary to understand what our dilemma is.

My boyfriend (18M) and I (19F) are currently in a long distance relationship (I live in the US, he lives in Sweden) we met while he was an exchange student at my school almost a year ago now. Long story short, we became best friends pretty quickly at the beginning of the semester and started dating about a month or two before he returned to Sweden.

We decided we wanted to give long distance a try because breaking up didn't feel like an option for us. Especially since it'd only be for a year tops since he's moving back here permanently once he graduates to peruse his career. My parents met him before he went back and they like him a lot. Recently I finally saved up enough money to go visit him in Sweden in a few months!

Now here's the problem: We only dated for about a month or two before he had to go back, right? So the most physical thing we ever did was kiss, hold hands, etc. Nothing sexual. We're both virgins but over the past 8 months we opened up a lot to one another and started exploring that side of our relationship. We both agreed that we want to take that step together and lose our virginity to one another when I visit.

We're both unsure of how to go about getting proper protection without our parents finding out (mine & his are both very religious and don't allow sex before marriage. If they found out what we were up to, the trip would be cancelled no doubt) We don't want to use condoms alone because we're too paranoid they're not effective enough. So we figured the next best option would be birth control...but I don't know how to get it without my parents knowing.

I know about planned parenthood but I'm under my parents bank account so they'd see the charge if I used my own card, I don't really have any friends who could get away with paying for me (most their parents are the same), and I'm under my parents insurance.

Even if I could figure out a way to get it in secrecy, I'm just really unsure about going on birth control in the first place, and how it will effect me. I feel uneasy about it. It would be easiest for us to just get condoms but...again, we're unsure about how safe they are.

What should we do? We're both super inexperienced about all of this due to having religious parents who refuse to talk about these things so any help would be great!

[C.C.]

Get Swedish condoms. They are awesome

As for the pills. Can't you get them in Sweden as well somehow? You could pay by cash too btw, wherever you buy it.

Condoms are safe if you use them correctly and if they don't break. The ones sold in Sweden are quite high quality too. Like it's obviously better if you use two types of BC but condoms alone aren't that bad.

[C.C.]

Ok for numbers: failure rates for a condom are 2% and 0,3% for pills. Also in case an accident happens with the former you could look into morning after pill too.

[Kerry92]

I agree with C.C. using two forms of birth control would be a good idea since you both are inexperienced and unsure. Condoms if used correctly are the best option there are all different kinds nowadays so even if you both look into which type you would be comfortable using and discuss the pro and cons of them it may may the choice easierr for you both.
As for the birth control pill I understand how you feel about it and why you are hesitant. Its a massive step to commit to the birth control pill at any age but you are still young and i know how scary it may seem but my advice if you choose this option speak to your GP first as there are many different alternative Birth Control nowadays plus these kind of conversations stay private with your GP even from family. I myself was on the pill when I was younger but didnt feel secure enough so I opted for the IUD implant best thing for me.

But it is only your guys first time so i wouldnt worry about diving into commited birth control right away. My advice stick to the condoms for now they are your best shot as they are very safe and very secure. As for buying them without your parents finding out well you will be visiting him and sight seeing and doing touristy stuff right? So just pick some up at a store and buy with cash you are both of age and adults so no one will even think twice about it. Good luck!

[autumn1790]

I have a parent against the use of birth control, but I decided to try it to help tone down my awful periods. I told the GP that it needed to be entirely confidential, and worked with accounting to make sure no paperwork came to the house. I chose the Nuvaring so there wouldn't be any pills to hide. Unfortunately, it's been a year of super intense migraines and high and lows according to the cycle of the bc, so I've recently just stopped doing it. Really got to get around to making an appointment again. Anyway, point is, not all birth controls are alike, and your body will respond differently to each one, so it's a process of elimination to find the right one. Planned parenthood is great at giving girls birth control without parental knowledge..

[Tenebrae]

Autumn has good advice. Many women use the pill simply to regulate their periods, have lighter periods, control their acne, or all of the above. Additionally, your GP (or better yet gyno if you already have one) may be able to give you a few free sample packs, so you could see how well you did on it without having to fill a prescription (thus creating a paper trail) or having to shell out money for it. Planned Parenthood may also offer it to you at low cost or even free of charge. If you're a college student, your school clinic might be able to help you out without your parents' knowledge. You could also buy a debit card at the supermarket if you have any cash available to load it, so you parents wouldn't see any credit card charges.

One other alternative is to get the morning-after pill, which you would take _after_ having intercourse with your boyfriend. There are several brand names such as Plan B and Afterpill. You can get these over-the-counter, so there's no paper trail. But they aren't really designed to be used as regular birth control and can be hard on your system (nausea and such), and they aren't as effective as regular birth control pills.

There are upsides and downsides to being on birth control. The downside is that there are many different brands of pill, and you may do better on one brand than on another, and it may take a while to find out which brand causes you the least side effects (my girlfriend has had this problem, and has recently switched to Nuvaring because of it). Another downside is that your parents could find your pills, especially if they like to snoop. If you go on the Pill shortly before visiting your boyfriend, and they find out, then they might get suspicious due to the timing despite anything you may tell them about taking it for irregular periods or acne.

The upside is that if you're on the Pill in addition to condoms, it will help you relax completely during your first time (there are few bigger turnoffs during sex than fear of unwanted pregnancy). By using two forms of birth control, you have an extremely high level of protection (although nothing is perfect) and can just focus on the moment. This is something you'll remember the rest of your lives and it would be nice if you weren't worried. If you could somehow manage to get on the shot or get an implant or an IUD, there would be nothing around the house for your parents to find. But there are downsides to those too--if you'd like to discuss, please feel free to PM me.

I hope this helps. Best of luck!

[Littlewhiteflower]

The pill is affective if you use it correctly. It can take months before your body gets used to it and sometimes, it doesn't get used to it. When it happens, you have to try a different kind. I've been on Yaz during a year and had many side effects. Then I switched on Lolo (the lowest pill with hormones on the markets) for four months and had horrible side effects. Now I'm on Alesse and it's going fairly well.

Some people get used to it more easily than others. It depends of your body. When taken the good way, pill are efficient, but I always feel safer with a combined method (pill and condom).

If you don't want your parents to know that it is for sexual reasons, you could tell them you're thinking of taking it because your periods are awful and you'd like to regulate them. Pills are also used for that and it's a good method as if you want to skip a period, you just have to continue taking your colour pills.

You could also buy the pills without your insurance. It's way more expensive, but its still possible to do that.