How to patch things up?

[orangelove]

I did this really stupid thing with my boyfriend a long time ago. I made him feel like he wasn't important to me. Like I cared about an ex more than him. I don't/didn't of course. My boyfriend's the most important person in my life but I don't know how to show him that. I love him so much and I miss him.

Anyway, he's been telling me to fix it (reasonable request) and I've tried. I've done everything that popped into my head. I deleted my facebook, sent a huge list of reasons why I love him, my journal, special pictures, a playlist of relevant songs, a prepaid subscription card for a game we both play. I've suggested dates, activities we both enjoy doing together but he doesn't bite. It just keeps going on and on and the days have just slipped away and I haven't fixed it yet. I tell him I'm sorry and that I love him and that he's the most important person to me. I tell him everyday and I MEAN it but he doesn't believe it and I miss him SO much. I've never been as happy as I am with him and I need him to forgive me so we can just move past this.

Any suggestions for patching things up? (Please don't suggest physically sending things like through the mail or buying things or whatever. I'm not able to do that. =-)

[Edyn]

It sounds like you've done plenty. Since it hasn't worked so far, why don't you ask him what would make him feel like he's important to you?

[orangelove]

I've asked him plenty of times. He doesn't want to tell me anything. His last response was "I don't owe you anything. You fucked it yourself. Unfuck it the same way."

[Edyn]

I hate to say it but he sounds like a jerk... doesn't seem like he actually wants to fix it. He might actually enjoy the control he has over you right now. Maybe you should stop going above and beyond if he's not reacting to it, and see what happens.

[giraffessssssss]

Maybe you just need to give him some time. You're not a mind reader. If he wants to come around he will but if not then there's not really more you can do. I don't want to sound pessimistic or anything.

[orangelove]

I know this guy and he's really good and sweet, he's just frustrated. I really don't want to lose him

[Čternity]

Has he said what it will take to 'fix' it? I'm hesitant to say this but it seems like you are being punished and whatever you do will never be enough.

So ask him, what will it take? He may give you something you can work on like daily emails or talks, in which case great. He may say that he is going to decide at some time in the future when you have 'fixed it'. The punishment may continue for weeks or months. If it is the second then you have a big choice to make. Hope it goes well and it is something you can work on.

EDIT: I've just spotted your replies with more information. How strong are you? What would happen if you stopped all contact. If he does contact you, you could say

'I feel really sad that all my efforts aren't working. I don't want to feel this way anymore and I don't know what else to do or say so I stopped trying. What do you think?'

and see what he says. Just thoughts.

[Edyn]

Like giraffessssssss said give him some time. When will you see him next?

[orangelove]

I'll SEE him in a couple years. lol But I'm texting him right now. This has gone on for a couple months now btw. Just to put things in context

[Edyn]

You're not going to see him for a couple years? I was going to suggest you visit him, but that's not always possible.

[orangelove]

No. It's definitely not possible right now =-(

[orangelove]

To Eternity: He would not like that. At all. That would be the end of the relationship.

[Michelle]

I hate to say it but he sounds like a jerk... doesn't seem like he actually wants to fix it. He might actually enjoy the control he has over you right now. Maybe you should stop going above and beyond if he's not reacting to it, and see what happens.

Well said! I agree. You have given him an upper hand in the relationship and he is abusing it. You have done so much. He has to stop being childish and forgive you already. He can't hold this over your head forever. We all say dumb things we don't really mean.

It is almost impossible to do much more than what you have already done. You need to tell him that he has to forgive you or otherwise you give up. You can't keep being a slave to something you said. It's not fair.

[annamorgan]

You seem like you're busting your ass enough. If he can't see that you're sorry, then I don't know what else there is to do. Like Edyn said, I think he likes having control over you. He's probably milking this for as long as he possibly can. For advice, I don't know what to say. Reassure him that you love him and you're sorry and that you know he's hurt, but that you two need to move forward as a couple, not sit here moping over something hurtful that happened.

[Čternity]

To Eternity: He would not like that. At all. That would be the end of the relationship.

Hmm so there's your choice sadly. I feel really bad because you've tried hard for months now to fix this. You really have.

Ok I have a question. What would happen if it was 'fixed' today? Then a month later he decided it was 'unfixed' by something you did or said, according to him. Are you prepared to go through months and months again doing the same thing? You won't be seeing him for years. Are you prepared do this for years if he decides that this is how it goes? It's totally your choice of course. I'm just asking if you are prepared for it to go on for years?