Simply put, I’m not coping. I’m 18, male and part time barista and athlete.
My boyfriend Matt and I have known eachother for about 6 years, and we’ve been dating for nearly 3 of those. When we left high school together last August, we carried out a long dream to go to Australia together on a gap year working at a school as sports coaches and teaching assistants. When we were there together, I can honestly say that out of all the time in my short life, I was most enjoying this. We were living together, and although having come out to all our friends and parents in May last year we decided to keep us being gay in Australia a complete secret (and we are good st this, nobody knew or even suspected for the first two years we were going out before we told everybody). Anyway, australia was literally awesome.
However, since then, I got a really awesome opportunity to become a full time athlete back in the uk. It was obviously a very hard decision to make, but I decided that although living with matty and our lives in Australia were care free and easy, I had to come back because it was too good an opportunity to miss.
I flew back January 1st. Since then I’ve gotten really involved with my sport and found a job as a barista at a local coffee shop to earn a little extra as athletes get paid next to nothing!!
What I’m writing to ask about is that now, in my current situation, I don’t know what to do. I can say with confidence that I think about matt and Australia every 2-3 minutes, no exaggeration, and it really fucking hurts because I miss him so much. I hope that this is a fairly basic situation for this website, and having read some other entries I know that I am not alone!! But even still, I can’t help but blame myself for this - it was after all, me that left Australia, me that fucked up the plan, and me that put us apart. We call on the phone every day for about an hour but the time difference of 11 hours makes this incredibly hard and awkward. It was difficult at the start, but as I immersed myself in the sport and coffee making and making new friends I though it would get easier. I guess my problem is that it is only getting harder. I think about him all the bloody time and I can only ask myself if I am actually going insane. It is with regret that I have spent time self harming, and today I actually attempted suicide because the burning sadness in my heart to see him is me desperate to end it, because I don’t have enough money to go back out and visit. I cry myself to sleep every night as I live alone and don’t really have anyone to talk to in this new environment for me. I tried talking to my parents a few weekends ago wen I went to see them but they told me that things will get better and to simply ‘man up’ (my dad is a big strong Scottish bloke who although he would obviously never admit it, is very conventional with his beliefs and I definitely consider him homophobic).
Someone help me because it’s too much. I don’t want to actually be successful in one of these attempts one day but I can see that as the only way out, the only was to stop thinking about him.
My boyfriend Matt and I have known eachother for about 6 years, and we’ve been dating for nearly 3 of those. When we left high school together last August, we carried out a long dream to go to Australia together on a gap year working at a school as sports coaches and teaching assistants. When we were there together, I can honestly say that out of all the time in my short life, I was most enjoying this. We were living together, and although having come out to all our friends and parents in May last year we decided to keep us being gay in Australia a complete secret (and we are good st this, nobody knew or even suspected for the first two years we were going out before we told everybody). Anyway, australia was literally awesome.
However, since then, I got a really awesome opportunity to become a full time athlete back in the uk. It was obviously a very hard decision to make, but I decided that although living with matty and our lives in Australia were care free and easy, I had to come back because it was too good an opportunity to miss.
I flew back January 1st. Since then I’ve gotten really involved with my sport and found a job as a barista at a local coffee shop to earn a little extra as athletes get paid next to nothing!!
What I’m writing to ask about is that now, in my current situation, I don’t know what to do. I can say with confidence that I think about matt and Australia every 2-3 minutes, no exaggeration, and it really fucking hurts because I miss him so much. I hope that this is a fairly basic situation for this website, and having read some other entries I know that I am not alone!! But even still, I can’t help but blame myself for this - it was after all, me that left Australia, me that fucked up the plan, and me that put us apart. We call on the phone every day for about an hour but the time difference of 11 hours makes this incredibly hard and awkward. It was difficult at the start, but as I immersed myself in the sport and coffee making and making new friends I though it would get easier. I guess my problem is that it is only getting harder. I think about him all the bloody time and I can only ask myself if I am actually going insane. It is with regret that I have spent time self harming, and today I actually attempted suicide because the burning sadness in my heart to see him is me desperate to end it, because I don’t have enough money to go back out and visit. I cry myself to sleep every night as I live alone and don’t really have anyone to talk to in this new environment for me. I tried talking to my parents a few weekends ago wen I went to see them but they told me that things will get better and to simply ‘man up’ (my dad is a big strong Scottish bloke who although he would obviously never admit it, is very conventional with his beliefs and I definitely consider him homophobic).
Someone help me because it’s too much. I don’t want to actually be successful in one of these attempts one day but I can see that as the only way out, the only was to stop thinking about him.
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