I need your advice

[IzzyBloom]

Hello, people.
To start with, sorry for my English. It's good but I'm not a native speaker, I'm from Spain and it's not my mother tongue.
Anyways, it turns out I have been dating a girl from Florida for 3 years. Until today. I visited her last summer to stay there for 3 months. Convivence was good, we were together all day. We argued like 5 or 6 times, but I think that was fair enough.
Along our relationship, I have been the one that has usually complained, more specifically about her not texting me as quick as I wanted her to. That really weighed on me for years, but I still loved her. In January, she starts to work in her dad's company, where she met a co-worker a couple years ago. He is 30 years old, she is 20. Appearantly, he tried to flirt with her back then but she told him she had a boyfriend. After that, they got along and talked every 2 or 3 months. (I read their conversations and there wasn't anything weird, other than him telling her "Good morning sunshine" and her replying "Good morning Tito", I didn't like that very much but it wasn't a big deal). No problem with that, as long as he didn't flirt with her.
Before starting working in that company, she got in touch with this guy again to be friends with him because she knew no one else. Alright, that worried me because I didn't trust him much. But she told me she only talked to him sparingly and that I shouldn't worry because he "looks gross".
Now, the real problem: during mid January until February I behaved like an asshole to her. I "shattered her heart" without meaning to by complaining about stuff I don't understand why I complained about. I really regret it now. We kept arguing and then working it out, and arguing then working it out, until she told me 4 days ago that she had developed feelings for the other guy. That she didn't want to make love to me anymore (obviously not true), that she liked the way he looked at her and talked to her. That she felt like she wanted more than friendship, that it hurt her to stop texting him. A part of her was mad because I made her think she liked another guy, as she told me recently. I was shocked. We talked and she explained to me that I hadn't been affectionate to her, while he had. He had been making her happy as I only gave her hell. So, she finally thought about it and told me she would pick me over him again and again, that she was just confused because she had never had a friend (this is true, she is extremely introverted). She just wanted to have one and it didn't feel right because he was making her happier than her actual boyfriend. I have been paranoid since then. Woke up everyday to really bad thoughts about her texting him everyday and being really sweet. I asked her if she cheated on me and she said no. The worst things she had done were leaving notes all over his desk saying "Good morning" (she is a very sweet person, this hurt like hell but she swore on her heart that she didn't mean to flirt with him, she just "wanted to make him happy" in a friendly way) and telling him that he was good at making her smile, he made work more bearable. Okay, well, I believed her. However, I couldn't (can't) stand the fact they texted everyday. She swore multiple times I'm the one she wants, that he is only her friend and that he sends her really cute pictures of his little daughter.
She also told me that she told him she only wanted to be her friend and never would she change her mind. Also, that she definitely didn't want his kisses or hugs (yes, she told him this).
Fine. But I was still paranoid and kept asking her everyday about the topic. Last night I told her about it again, and she wanted to break up because she thought I'd never be able to trust her again. She was obviously getting tired of me mentioning the topic again and asking her for constant reassurance. She "wanted what was best for me", she claimed. She said that no matter what she told me, I would want to break up with her. If she told me she didn't want more than friendship, I wouldn't believe her, and if she told me she wanted more than friendship I would leave her. She felt like a monster for developing feelings towards another guy.
Until today. I asked her again if she was hooked on him, if she desired him. Twice.
She said "I don't know what to tell you". And I replied: "yes or no, it's simple". She said "Sure". And I told her to stop doing that, to which she replied "Yes". I believed her, told her goodbye among other (good) things and immediately blocked her.
I feel like she just lied to me so I would leave her because she couldn't handle me not trusting her. She said several times I would never be able to trust her again.
Now, I'm texting her mom. She is trying to figure out whether she is actually hooked on him or not. Her mom already knew about her confusion.

I really need your advice, guys. Sorry for writing such a long paragraph. I do love her, and I would be willing to be with her again if she actually wasn't "falling in love" with the guy. If it was merely friendship. Which I can't fully believe even though she told me quite a few times. She is the most faithful and honest girlfriend I've ever had, I really can't believe this is happening.

Thank you so much.

[autumn1790]

Every one loses in this situation, methinks. You treat her badly and expect her to suck it up and stick with you...she treats you badly and you block her. Nothing she could ever say would put your mind at ease because you don't trust her, so there's no point in her trying because you just repeat the cycle again the next day. She's unhappy, you're unhappy.
Face it. You don't trust her. In my opinion, trust is all in or all out. You don't trust that she won't fall for another guy. If you accept that fact that you don't trust her, it might make choosing your future actions easier. I wish you the best!

[IzzyBloom]

Every one loses in this situation, methinks. You treat her badly and expect her to suck it up and stick with you...she treats you badly and you block her. Nothing she could ever say would put your mind at ease because you don't trust her, so there's no point in her trying because you just repeat the cycle again the next day. She's unhappy, you're unhappy.
Face it. You don't trust her. In my opinion, trust is all in or all out. You don't trust that she won't fall for another guy. If you accept that fact that you don't trust her, it might make choosing your future actions easier. I wish you the best!

Thanks a lot. Do you think I should give her another chance if I eventually trust her? I mean, do you think she would deserve it?

I must add that everyday I was feeling a little bit better about it

[autumn1790]

Thanks a lot. Do you think I should give her another chance if I eventually trust her? I mean, do you think she would deserve it?

I must add that everyday I was feeling a little bit better about it

It doesn't matter what I think. It matters what the both of you think. Talk to her!

[Littlewhiteflower]

I think you obviously don't trust her and it would be very very hard to trust her again. I don't know if it is worth it honestly as trust is what matters the most in a LDR and that is something you lost unfortunately. It's hard to rebuild it when you're living at a distance.

I think both of you need to do work on yourself. If she asked you to trust her, you should have trusted her and stopped questioning over and over again. It's not good for her nor for you as you're always bringing back the negative and at some point, it's important to focus on the future and not what was in the past.

Plus you should re-read your post. You wrote this huge paragraph about you not trusting her and finished it by saying 'she is the most faithful and honest'. Is she faithful or not? If she is, why do you not try to trust her?

Honestly, your reaction of blocking her without trying to discuss and going to her mom is probably not the best things to do, but we all do stuff that are not the best when we are angry or hurt. I think you need to discuss this issue with your SO, not with her mom. She is old enough and you are old enough to learn how to communicate. This is the key in a LDR.

I think that if you decide to go back with her, you should just try not to bring up the subject again. Enough is enough and she has clearly told you that she was sick of trying to convince you. My SO already told me the same thing once and I tried to let go the mistakes of the past and stop to bringing it up. At some points, we need reassurances, but too much is like not enough. It can be tiring for a partner to always have to convince the other of their love.

It's also important to establish boundaries in a relationship, which is something you should do with her if you go back together. By boundaries, I mean, telling her what you feel comfortable with and not comfortable with. Those boundaries are important to respect and it is important that both partners agree on them.

I wish you the best of luck...

[C.C.]

Okay, you are saying you treated her badly. Then seeking emotional comfort she could never have with you, she developed feelings with the other guy and got lost in the confusion it caused her. While she was clearly unhappy. Then you went and disrespected her enough to assume she had crossed physical boundaries and cheated. You essentially suffocated her accusing of it. If you couldn't deal with the fact you should have left her instead of treating her even worse for it and torturing her. Learn from this and move on. There's nothing left to save here.

[IzzyBloom]

I think you obviously don't trust her and it would be very very hard to trust her again. I don't know if it is worth it honestly as trust is what matters the most in a LDR and that is something you lost unfortunately. It's hard to rebuild it when you're living at a distance.

I think both of you need to do work on yourself. If she asked you to trust her, you should have trusted her and stopped questioning over and over again. It's not good for her nor for you as you're always bringing back the negative and at some point, it's important to focus on the future and not what was in the past.

Plus you should re-read your post. You wrote this huge paragraph about you not trusting her and finished it by saying 'she is the most faithful and honest'. Is she faithful or not? If she is, why do you not try to trust her?

Honestly, your reaction of blocking her without trying to discuss and going to her mom is probably not the best things to do, but we all do stuff that are not the best when we are angry or hurt. I think you need to discuss this issue with your SO, not with her mom. She is old enough and you are old enough to learn how to communicate. This is the key in a LDR.

I think that if you decide to go back with her, you should just try not to bring up the subject again. Enough is enough and she has clearly told you that she was sick of trying to convince you. My SO already told me the same thing once and I tried to let go the mistakes of the past and stop to bringing it up. At some points, we need reassurances, but too much is like not enough. It can be tiring for a partner to always have to convince the other of their love.

It's also important to establish boundaries in a relationship, which is something you should do with her if you go back together. By boundaries, I mean, telling her what you feel comfortable with and not comfortable with. Those boundaries are important to respect and it is important that both partners agree on them.

I wish you the best of luck...

She always said I was her God... that I meant everything for her. That's why it really shocked me. But yeah, it might just be confusion and not a desire to be with him. That I will never know, I am afraid.
I told her I forgave her, but I needed to know she wouldn't text him everyday all day (if you consider this establishing boundaries), she said she would stop talking to him. I said no, I want you to have a friend and she thanked me for this. But since then I can only imagine her saying good night and good morning to him, being very happy and getting hooked on him...

Thanks a lot

[IzzyBloom]

Okay, you are saying you treated her badly. Then seeking emotional comfort she could never have with you, she developed feelings with the other guy and got lost in the confusion it caused her. While she was clearly unhappy. Then you went and disrespected her enough to assume she had crossed physical boundaries and cheated. You essentially suffocated her accusing of it. If you couldn't deal with the fact you should have left her instead of treating her even worse for it and torturing her. Learn from this and move on. There's nothing left to save here.

No, I don't think she cheated on me. I know she didn't. All I did was constantly ask her if she really isn't falling in love with him and stuff like that. Because, in that case, I wouldn't be able to be with someone that desires someone else.
And I haven't "tortured" her as much as you think. We had moments we were fine, and even romantic. But then I would wake up at 4 AM and start thinking about the whole situation. I couldn't help asking her questions when I felt down.
Oh, and she said she would have broken up with her if she had been me

[IzzyBloom]

Every one loses in this situation, methinks. You treat her badly and expect her to suck it up and stick with you...she treats you badly and you block her. Nothing she could ever say would put your mind at ease because you don't trust her, so there's no point in her trying because you just repeat the cycle again the next day. She's unhappy, you're unhappy.
Face it. You don't trust her. In my opinion, trust is all in or all out. You don't trust that she won't fall for another guy. If you accept that fact that you don't trust her, it might make choosing your future actions easier. I wish you the best!

I think you obviously don't trust her and it would be very very hard to trust her again. I don't know if it is worth it honestly as trust is what matters the most in a LDR and that is something you lost unfortunately. It's hard to rebuild it when you're living at a distance.

I think both of you need to do work on yourself. If she asked you to trust her, you should have trusted her and stopped questioning over and over again. It's not good for her nor for you as you're always bringing back the negative and at some point, it's important to focus on the future and not what was in the past.

Plus you should re-read your post. You wrote this huge paragraph about you not trusting her and finished it by saying 'she is the most faithful and honest'. Is she faithful or not? If she is, why do you not try to trust her?

Honestly, your reaction of blocking her without trying to discuss and going to her mom is probably not the best things to do, but we all do stuff that are not the best when we are angry or hurt. I think you need to discuss this issue with your SO, not with her mom. She is old enough and you are old enough to learn how to communicate. This is the key in a LDR.

I think that if you decide to go back with her, you should just try not to bring up the subject again. Enough is enough and she has clearly told you that she was sick of trying to convince you. My SO already told me the same thing once and I tried to let go the mistakes of the past and stop to bringing it up. At some points, we need reassurances, but too much is like not enough. It can be tiring for a partner to always have to convince the other of their love.

It's also important to establish boundaries in a relationship, which is something you should do with her if you go back together. By boundaries, I mean, telling her what you feel comfortable with and not comfortable with. Those boundaries are important to respect and it is important that both partners agree on them.

I wish you the best of luck...

Okay, you are saying you treated her badly. Then seeking emotional comfort she could never have with you, she developed feelings with the other guy and got lost in the confusion it caused her. While she was clearly unhappy. Then you went and disrespected her enough to assume she had crossed physical boundaries and cheated. You essentially suffocated her accusing of it. If you couldn't deal with the fact you should have left her instead of treating her even worse for it and torturing her. Learn from this and move on. There's nothing left to save here.

No, I don't think she cheated on me. I know she didn't. All I did was constantly ask her if she really isn't falling in love with him and stuff like that. Because, in that case, I wouldn't be able to be with someone that desires someone else.
And I haven't "tortured" her as much as you think. We had moments we were fine, and even romantic. But then I would wake up at 4 AM and start thinking about the whole situation. I couldn't help asking her questions when I felt down.
Oh, and she said she would have broken up with her if she had been me

Also, I want your opinion on this:
The very previous night to our last conversation I asked her if we could have a conversation about this. We did, I apologized for being an asshole and told her again how I felt about the whole situation. She said that I was the one she cared about but we should break up because I would never trust her again. Then, before I went to sleep, I asked her to claim that she wasn't hooked on him, that saying goodbye and good morning didn't mean anything special to her, that she didn't need him as long as I was with her, or something similar. I swore on my heart I would trust her if she could claim it. Then I asked her to think about it and said good night. All she said was "Good night, "my name" "
Doesn't that sound like: I don't want to tell you the truth because you would leave me? I'm obviously acting really negative lately, so I'd rather hear your opinion.

[erwin1973]

Also, I want your opinion on this:
[...] Then, before I went to sleep, I asked her to claim that she wasn't hooked on him, that saying goodbye and good morning didn't mean anything special to her, that she didn't need him as long as I was with her, or something similar. I swore on my heart I would trust her if she could claim it. [...]

So you're doing it again, did you? How many times did she tell you she's not falling for him, and yet you ask her again? You really don't understand that is driving her away from you, are you? So that means you didn't really take the above advice to heart, it seems.
Don't be surprised when you really loose her, if you didn't already. You're constantly disappointing her with this non-trust you're showing.

I know what you're going to say: "I just wanted to know for sure". Well, she already told you dozens of times, I guess. How many times does it take for you to know for sure? We're getting back to trust... you don't trust her (or don't you trust yourself??).

Also, I want your opinion on this:
[...] Doesn't that sound like: I don't want to tell you the truth because you would leave me? I'm obviously acting really negative lately, so I'd rather hear your opinion.

No, that sounds like 'shut the f*ck up, I've told you this enough times and you keep disappointing me time and again.

I take it you have a serious trust issue, may be you should go and find some real help in this, from a specialist.

Good luck.

[IzzyBloom]

You're right. It is hard to see things from that perspective when you feel like shit and are paranoid.
You're harsh, still, I must thank you.
She told me she imagined a life with him and that she realized she couldn't live without me, did that mean she wasn't falling for him?

[IzzyBloom]

So you're doing it again, did you? How many times did she tell you she's not falling for him, and yet you ask her again? You really don't understand that is driving her away from you, are you? So that means you didn't really take the above advice to heart, it seems.
Don't be surprised when you really loose her, if you didn't already. You're constantly disappointing her with this non-trust you're showing.

I know what you're going to say: "I just wanted to know for sure". Well, she already told you dozens of times, I guess. How many times does it take for you to know for sure? We're getting back to trust... you don't trust her (or don't you trust yourself??).


No, that sounds like 'shut the f*ck up, I've told you this enough times and you keep disappointing me time and again.

I take it you have a serious trust issue, may be you should go and find some real help in this, from a specialist.

Good luck.

You're right. It is hard to see things from that perspective when you feel like shit and are paranoid.
You're harsh, still, I must thank you. You made me feel better, I mean it.
She told me she imagined a life with him and that she realized she couldn't live without me, did that mean she wasn't falling for him?

[C.C.]

For god's sake and for anything that means something to you, understand this once and for all, It doesn't matter whether she's falling in love for him or not. You are going to drive both her and yourself insane.

1. You should break up whether she loves someone else or not, because you are unhealthy.
2. You aren't up and ready to be in a relationship with someone/anyone right now because you need to take care of your individual problems.
3. Being up at 4am and paranoid for something, anything, is unhealthy and you are clearly still this obsessed + you have trust issues. You need to deal with all of this, preferably with the help of a professional.
4. The latter two matter way way more than whether she loves someone else or not. She is unhappy with you (ask her if you don't believe me) and both of you are better off each other. So please, give up on this relationship/obsession and take care of yourself.

[IzzyBloom]

For god's sake and for anything that means something to you, understand this once and for all, It doesn't matter whether she's falling in love for him or not. You are going to drive both her and yourself insane.

1. You should break up whether she loves someone else or not, because you are unhealthy.
2. You aren't up and ready to be in a relationship with someone/anyone right now because you need to take care of your individual problems.
3. Being up at 4am and paranoid for something, anything, is unhealthy and you are clearly still this obsessed + you have trust issues. You need to deal with all of this, preferably with the help of a professional.
4. The latter two matter way way more than whether she loves someone else or not. She is unhappy with you (ask her if you don't believe me) and both of you are better off each other. So please, give up on this relationship/obsession and take care of yourself.

I am acting like this because she went from having no friends to this situation. I'm not ALWAYS like this. I haven't been in 3 years, believe it or not. So yeah, it obviously shocked me. And it will take me a while to solve my own personal issues. I am aware.
She's been unhappy with me for one month. Don't forget about the past 35 months when she adored me. You're really clueless and little understanding. Do you think we wouldn't have broken up much earlier (let me repeat it: 3 years) if I were the demon you think I am?
Of course I would need help if I felt paranoid everyday for the rest of my days. It's been only 4 days, give me some time to figure this out. I actually feel less paranoid and better than 3 days ago. However, I need to know your opinion so you can help me notice how I messed up. I don't need you to tell me I'm crazy only because this felt like a punch in the face and I'm unable to control my emotions.

[C.C.]

Do you think we wouldn't have broken up much earlier (let me repeat it: 3 years) if I were the demon you think I am?

I don't think you are "a demon". Heck I have some issues myself and no way I'd call someone else a demon for it. Having mental health issues doesn't make anyone "crazy". And there is nothing wrong with seeking help for them either. If anything I was saying that you need to deal with the things that came up here for your own wellbeing and that you should focus on yourself.

You are chasing a dead end. Relationships (even way longer ones than yours) are broken in a week and sometimes in a couple of days. It's sad but it's life.

Thanks for calling me clueless btw, I won't bother with this thread.