I need your advice

[IzzyBloom]

I don't think you are "a demon". Heck I have some issues myself and no way I'd call someone else a demon for it. Having mental health issues doesn't make anyone "crazy". And there is nothing wrong with seeking help for them either. If anything I was saying that you need to deal with the things that came up here for your own wellbeing and that you should focus on yourself.

You are chasing a dead end. Relationships (even way longer ones than yours) are broken in a week and sometimes in a couple of days. It's sad but it's life.

Thanks for calling me clueless btw, I won't bother with this thread.

Why don't you think couples can learn from their mistakes and never make them again? trust is a serious issue, but it can be solved.
Sorry I called you clueless, but you don't really know our past. I literally saved her life, literally. And we have even broken up before, spent a few months without talking, then we got back. It's just love. I can't obviously claim that we will date again and get married and bluh bluh. Time will tell, though.

[kittyxuchiha11]

Just want to share some personal experience here:

A few years ago i was dating a girl in America for nearly two years. We'd met and seemed to be perfect together, she had lots of friends who i saw her interact with in person and that totally wiped away any worried and jealously i had about any of them. In short, we seemed to have this intense awesome love that nothing could stop. A few months before we broke up however her friend messaged me to tell me that my gf had developed feelings for some guy and that was the reason she as suddenly very quite and not talking much, not that she was busy with school like she claimed. When I confronted her about this she admitted it, unlike your situation i haden't done anything to push her away, the distance had seemed to do that itself no matter what I did.

We fell apart after that, especially when she later confessed she'd cheated on me with the guy. I started to get really paranoid, even more so when i noticed she'd been on my facebook account (she had my password so she could help me on a game) and blocked most of her friends and the guy she'd cheated with. I was furious, so upset and hurt that she thought she could hide this from me. she wouldn't communicate properly with me and when she did i felt so hurt and like i couldn't trust her that all we did was argue. This went on for months until it got to the point where i realised how badly she had treated me and that she wasn't worth pursuing any longer. she eventually broke up with me and it took probably about 2 years for me to stop holding a grudge and hating her for what she'd done.

What i'm trying to say here is once your trust is betrayed, it is very very hard to forgive and continue with a relationship. I couldn't do it, don't think I could even now. Trust is so incredibly important and without it your relationship will not work.

For your situation, i've also been in your SO's shoes, when a gf treated me badly and i looked to a friend for support, and then because they were being nice to me i felt really confused about my feelings. like your SO i wanted to be honest about this and told my gf at the time and she went mental. forbid me from seeing this friend and was really paranoid and didn't want me to leave the house and unless she was with me so i didn't have a chance of seeing anyone else. as you can see, our relationship was incredibly abusive and unhealthy, i should have tried to get out a long time ago but because she'd told me i was the one in the wrong for possibly getting attached to my friend i felt I really was in the wrong and this was my punishment i had to endure.

The way you're treating your SO is like i've said above, maybe not as extreme but constantly being paranoid and asking her about this guy absolutely warrants the reaction she last gave you before you blocked her. she's tried of this, just wants your relationship to work but you won't let it. Like i said, a relationship needs trust and you don't trust her. It's best to move on and forget about her, once trust is broken you can rarely get it back healthily.

[IzzyBloom]

Just want to share some personal experience here:

A few years ago i was dating a girl in America for nearly two years. We'd met and seemed to be perfect together, she had lots of friends who i saw her interact with in person and that totally wiped away any worried and jealously i had about any of them. In short, we seemed to have this intense awesome love that nothing could stop. A few months before we broke up however her friend messaged me to tell me that my gf had developed feelings for some guy and that was the reason she as suddenly very quite and not talking much, not that she was busy with school like she claimed. When I confronted her about this she admitted it, unlike your situation i haden't done anything to push her away, the distance had seemed to do that itself no matter what I did.

We fell apart after that, especially when she later confessed she'd cheated on me with the guy. I started to get really paranoid, even more so when i noticed she'd been on my facebook account (she had my password so she could help me on a game) and blocked most of her friends and the guy she'd cheated with. I was furious, so upset and hurt that she thought she could hide this from me. she wouldn't communicate properly with me and when she did i felt so hurt and like i couldn't trust her that all we did was argue. This went on for months until it got to the point where i realised how badly she had treated me and that she wasn't worth pursuing any longer. she eventually broke up with me and it took probably about 2 years for me to stop holding a grudge and hating her for what she'd done.

What i'm trying to say here is once your trust is betrayed, it is very very hard to forgive and continue with a relationship. I couldn't do it, don't think I could even now. Trust is so incredibly important and without it your relationship will not work.

For your situation, i've also been in your SO's shoes, when a gf treated me badly and i looked to a friend for support, and then because they were being nice to me i felt really confused about my feelings. like your SO i wanted to be honest about this and told my gf at the time and she went mental. forbid me from seeing this friend and was really paranoid and didn't want me to leave the house and unless she was with me so i didn't have a chance of seeing anyone else. as you can see, our relationship was incredibly abusive and unhealthy, i should have tried to get out a long time ago but because she'd told me i was the one in the wrong for possibly getting attached to my friend i felt I really was in the wrong and this was my punishment i had to endure.

The way you're treating your SO is like i've said above, maybe not as extreme but constantly being paranoid and asking her about this guy absolutely warrants the reaction she last gave you before you blocked her. she's tried of this, just wants your relationship to work but you won't let it. Like i said, a relationship needs trust and you don't trust her. It's best to move on and forget about her, once trust is broken you can rarely get it back healthily.

Thank you for telling me your story. However, she hasn't cheated on me and she let me know she was feeling confused because of my lack of affection. I totally understand your situation though, I would never forgive my girlfriend if she cheated on me, hid it from me and started behaving like she doesn't want me anymore.
I think I will build trust over time because I understand her situation. I would have felt equally confused if it had happened to me. However, it is really important for me to know she still wants the real me and that she is not hooked on him so I can trust her again. That is why her mom is trying to figure it out. As of now, she told me she was just confused and that they are friends. I'll still wait for a while though before making any decisions. It's only been 4 days.

Thank you for your opinion, and I hope you find the right person (if you didn't yet)

[C.C.]

Why don't you think couples can learn from their mistakes and never make them again? trust is a serious issue, but it can be solved.
Sorry I called you clueless, but you don't really know our past. I literally saved her life, literally. And we have even broken up before, spent a few months without talking, then we got back. It's just love. I can't obviously claim that we will date again and get married and bluh bluh. Time will tell, though.

I broke up with my SO as well, even dated someone else for a bit. Then we got back together and I have been super happy and content with it since then.

But I wasn't ready when we broke up, I was a mess and I was trying to make sense of anything. Had I stayed with him, I feel like things would get much much worse and I'd not even have a chance to resolve anything now. Though, I still handled things awfully and I am not justifying myself.

Why don't you think couples can learn from their mistakes and never make them again? trust is a serious issue, but it can be solved.

I do believe that and it's very possible. But how do you imagine it resolving right now? Like literally in your situation. The only way the "trust issue" could get resolved would be for her to continue talking to that guy and for you not to feel jealous or anxious about it. And that would need to happen without proof/validation as well or else it wouldn't really be a repaired trust.
Do you see yourself capable of that right now? Could you live without this whole thing eating you away?

I mean you obviously need time and I am sure you are capable of figuring this out and getting much better. This is not the world's end. But are you sure you wouldn't take months for example? Now imagine you did, and there's nothing bad in that, I have a genuine question: what would your relationship be like with her during those months when you are trying to get better at this and salvage the relationship?

Having some good moments usually don't outweigh the bad ones. Heck, it's sad but, even when you have only tiny unhealthy aspects in your relationship it could still overshadow the much higher percentage of good moments. I have been there, it doesn't feel nice but it happens. So all I am implying is that, yes your relationship matters a lot but each of your health matters way more. And a relationship isn't only love either it takes lots of effort and two people who are absolutely ready for one. I just think considering this situation (not just paranoia, the whole trusting thing too) neither of you are right now. And it'd be much much better and healthier if you two focused on your own self-development first and then sought a serious relationship. I am not saying to do it for her either, you need to do it for yourself and then you'll see and be prepared for whoever it might be for, be it your current SO or someone else. But there genuinely are situations when you need to step back outside and address things like that rather than doing it from within.

[C.C.]

However, it is really important for me to know she still wants the real me and that she is not hooked on him so I can trust her again.

This, see this here, is the main issue here. If you need proof that it's not happening it's not really a trust anymore. Trust is believing (not knowing but believing) that your SO is good by you and won't do anything weird behind or in front of your back.

Besides if you "got your trust back" like that, would that help you with the next guy she befriends? Will you not doubt that she might develop feelings for someone else as well?

[IzzyBloom]

I broke up with my SO as well, even dated someone else for a bit. Then we got back together and I have been super happy and content with it since then.

But I wasn't ready when we broke up, I was a mess and I was trying to make sense of anything. Had I stayed with him, I feel like things would get much much worse and I'd not even have a chance to resolve anything now. Though, I still handled things awfully and I am not justifying myself.

See? things can get better. You never know, though. As you said, it's life. Maybe you're happy one day until you find out he has cheated on you with someone else. Or god knows what.

I do believe that and it's very possible. But how do you imagine it resolving right now? Like literally in your situation. The only way the "trust issue" could get resolved would be for her to continue talking to that guy and for you not to feel jealous or anxious about it. And that would need to happen without proof/validation as well or else it wouldn't really be a repaired trust.
Do you see yourself capable of that right now? Could you live without this whole thing eating you away?

I mean you obviously need time and I am sure you are capable of figuring this out and getting much better. This is not the world's end. But are you sure you wouldn't take months for example? Now imagine you did, and there's nothing bad in that, I have a genuine question: what would your relationship be like with her during those months when you are trying to get better at this and salvage the relationship?

That's right. Unfortunately, I need her mom's help at this very moment. Thinking about the whole situation by myself right now is chaotic. I certainly feel much better now, I just unblocked her before it's too late to fix our relationship (I'm not texting her yet though, no way).
Would I need proof? well... she has been nice, romantic and interested in me. She hadn't given up on me until yesterday despite my endless questions. I don't think she would have been sweet if she was hooked on another guy or something similar. So, I guess, as long as she treats me like she always did, I would not need proof. Or so I want to think.
That's a good question. I don't know why, but talking to her made me feel better. My paranoia mainly comes up overnight or when I wake up. What you said kind of reminds me when your bf/gf acts mean and you, instead of telling them, you keep it for you until you forget because it's not a huge deal. That's what I'd have to do until I forgot/forgave. I can't tell you if I would be able to, obviously. I'd need to try.

Having some good moments usually don't outweigh the bad ones. Heck, it's sad but, even when you have only tiny unhealthy aspects in your relationship it could still overshadow the much higher percentage of good moments. I have been there, it doesn't feel nice but it happens. So all I am implying is that, yes your relationship matters a lot but each of your health matters way more. And a relationship isn't only love either it takes lots of effort and two people who are absolutely ready for one. I just think considering this situation (not just paranoia, the whole trusting thing too) neither of you are right now. And it'd be much much better and healthier if you two focused on your own self-development first and then sought a serious relationship. I am not saying to do it for her either, you need to do it for yourself and then you'll see and be prepared for whoever it might be for, be it your current SO or someone else. But there genuinely are situations when you need to step back outside and address things like that rather than doing it from within.

True. I'm her first boyfriend though, she is more inexperienced than me and I have helped her with that for 3 years.
I also had to help her, in vain, deal with suicide thoughts for a whole year until she actually tried to kill herself. Shouldn't she have broken up with me (she actually did) because her depression was hurting us both? That way, she could get help, take pills and engage with me again once she wasn't depressed?
What you said is ideal... but once you are inside the relationship, everything becomes so blurry.
I'm actually considering focusing on my self-development before telling her "Hey, do you still want me? Sorry I smothered you with my lack of trust". The thing is, how do I know when I will be ready?

I like you better now, btw. What you said before made me feel like I was a lost cause. Thank you for being more understanding, really.

[IzzyBloom]

This, see this here, is the main issue here. If you need proof that it's not happening it's not really a trust anymore. Trust is believing (not knowing but believing) that your SO is good by you and won't do anything weird behind or in front of your back.

Besides if you "got your trust back" like that, would that help you with the next guy she befriends? Will you not doubt that she might develop feelings for someone else as well?

Understand that she maybe meant it when she said "yes" after I asked if she needed and desired him in a non-friendship way. Okay, perhaps she just lied to me so I would stop smothering her because she claimed I'd never trust her again.
How do I find this out though? do you not think I can't be 100 % sure she was just too overwhelmed?
No, I will not doubt it if what happened here was just confusion and she sees him only as a friend.

[autumn1790]

My little two cents...any fully grown adult man who childishly goes to my mother when we have a disagreement instead of talking to me in a fully adult way is gone. Absolutely gone. Only exception--911 style emergency.

[IzzyBloom]

My little two cents...any fully grown adult man who childishly goes to my mother when we have a disagreement instead of talking to me in a fully adult way is gone. Absolutely gone. Only exception--911 style emergency.

We had a disagreement? She appearantly lied to me so I'd break up with her. I got in touch with her mom before we broke up so she could give me advice and help us since she is my friend.

[kittyxuchiha11]

How do I find this out though? do you not think I can't be 100 % sure she was just too overwhelmed?
No, I will not doubt it if what happened here was just confusion and she sees him only as a friend.

If it was me and someone was smothering me with the same question over and over again I would probably say that just to get them off my back. Try put yourself in her shoes, imagine if she asked you constantly if you liked a girl you were friends with, you'd probably snap eventually and just say yes to get her to shut up. I absolutely understand why you're paranoid about it, like I said i've been there, in fact i'm a naturally jealous person. Example, the other day my SO told me that if i didn't start dating her when I did she would have got with her friend, that instantly changed my opinion of that friend and i still feel a bit weird about it, but it's not to the point of ruining anything, I felt a bit weird about it on the day but like it doesn't consume my life or anything. I think it's always a bit of a shock when your SO says they like/liked someone. But in a relationship you should eventually become used to that, not like your SO doesn't love you and wants to get with someone else, but like your SO finding other people attractive and and having strong feelings towards them, that can happen a lot.

What I didn't say before is that it can be very confusing if you really love someone a lot as a friend, especially if other people put thoughts in your head that you love that friend in a different way. I love a lot of people, platonic love is very very important to me and I have friends who i'm very close to and love a lot. It's different from how I feel about my SO, but sometimes feelings can get confusing, especially like in your situation when your SO was unsure of how to feel about you since you weren't being the best to her. Honestly, I really doubt she actually had feelings for the friend, was probably just confused because he was being nice and supportive to her and it made her feel closer to him.

Really though, if you do want to get back with her you need to try push what happened aside and forget about it. You need to work on yourself and try explain it to yourself in a way you can understand so you stop being so jealous and paranoid. You cant let that fear and jealousy that she likes this guy control your life or your relationship.

[IzzyBloom]

If it was me and someone was smothering me with the same question over and over again I would probably say that just to get them off my back. Try put yourself in her shoes, imagine if she asked you constantly if you liked a girl you were friends with, you'd probably snap eventually and just say yes to get her to shut up. I absolutely understand why you're paranoid about it, like I said i've been there, in fact i'm a naturally jealous person. Example, the other day my SO told me that if i didn't start dating her when I did she would have got with her friend, that instantly changed my opinion of that friend and i still feel a bit weird about it, but it's not to the point of ruining anything, I felt a bit weird about it on the day but like it doesn't consume my life or anything. I think it's always a bit of a shock when your SO says they like/liked someone. But in a relationship you should eventually become used to that, not like your SO doesn't love you and wants to get with someone else, but like your SO finding other people attractive and and having strong feelings towards them, that can happen a lot.

What I didn't say before is that it can be very confusing if you really love someone a lot as a friend, especially if other people put thoughts in your head that you love that friend in a different way. I love a lot of people, platonic love is very very important to me and I have friends who i'm very close to and love a lot. It's different from how I feel about my SO, but sometimes feelings can get confusing, especially like in your situation when your SO was unsure of how to feel about you since you weren't being the best to her. Honestly, I really doubt she actually had feelings for the friend, was probably just confused because he was being nice and supportive to her and it made her feel closer to him.

Really though, if you do want to get back with her you need to try push what happened aside and forget about it. You need to work on yourself and try explain it to yourself in a way you can understand so you stop being so jealous and paranoid. You cant let that fear and jealousy that she likes this guy control your life or your relationship.

I totally understand. The thing is... how do I know when to text her again and say "I know you lied to me so I'd stop smothering you. I haven't given up yet and I'm going to trust you. I apologize for acting so paranoid" and actually mean it, ofc? I don't know when we both will be ready

[lelyta]

I totally understand. The thing is... how do I know when to text her again and say "I know you lied to me so I'd stop smothering you. I haven't given up yet and I'm going to trust you. I apologize for acting so paranoid" and actually mean it, ofc? I don't know when we both will be ready

It's interesting to know how it's really important to you to prove her lying to you. If you care about your relationship and her, then really want to make it work... Please stop accusing her. It doesn't matter she lied to you or not. You won't get satisfied enough doesn't matter what her answers are.... It will make your mind chaos more, distance doesn't help, and yeah no winner here.

If you really want to give her some space, then give it to her. Scratch that words "I know you lied to me" from your plan message to her. Start with something more nice, "Hey I still want to make this relationship works, I apologize, and I'd stop smothering you to give us time and space we need."

After that, work on yourself. Don't do stupid thing.


Control your impulse to know things more. At least for now.

[IzzyBloom]

It's interesting to know how it's really important to you to prove her lying to you. If you care about your relationship and her then really wants to make it work, then please stop accusing her. It doesn't matter she lied to you or not. You won't get satisfied enough doesn't matter what her answers are.... It will make your mind chaos more, distance doesn't help, and yeah no winner here.

If you really want to give her some space, then give it to her. Scratch that words "I know you lied to me" from your plan message to her. Start with something more nice, "Hey I still want to make this relationship works, I apologize, and I'd stop smothering you to give us time and space we need."

After that, work on yourself. Don't do stupid thing.

Just lea

do you know why it's so important to me?
Because, if she found someone better than me (with a better personality, just someone that can make her happier than I ever did), or if she realized I would never be enough for her, then I would just let her go. There would be nothing for me to do. I just want her to be as happy as possible, and if I've never been the right guy (before shit happened, when we really loved each other), I would just stop wasting her time with me.

I'm just worried I'm not enough for her anymore, even if I began to be as affectionate as always. Is this part of my paranoia and I shouldn't even worry about it?

or... do you think I shouldn't even mention it so I can prove I'm not obsessed anymore and that I trust her?

[lelyta]

do you know why it's so important to me?
Because, if she found someone better than me (with a better personality, just someone that can make her happier than I ever did), or if she realized I would never be enough for her, then I would just let her go. There would be nothing for me to do. I just want her to be as happy as possible, and if I've never been the right guy (before shit happened, when we really loved each other), I would just stop wasting her time with me.

I'm just worried I'm not enough for her anymore, even if I began to be as affectionate as always. Is this part of my paranoia and I shouldn't even worry about it?

or... do you think I shouldn't even mention it so I can prove I'm not obsessed anymore and that I trust her?

Well, are you still obsessed? Can you... After this.. Trust her?

[IzzyBloom]

Well, are you still obsessed? Can you... After this.. Trust her?

Not as obsessed as a couple days ago, I'm doing better. Yes, I can trust her if she lied to me about it (this sounds so oxymoronic). Hence the importance , I want to be the best guy she has met so far. Am I supposed to be fully aware of this despite what she told me? My mind is still a bit chaotic, not as much as before though.