I need your advice

[erwin1973]

Guys... I keep talking to her more than I should. And she just ignores me. I feel like I'm going crazy again. Why doesn't she just block me or tell me to leave her alone instead of having me wait? She is not in love with me anymore. She is really mad at me. What am I even waiting for? it's been 5 days since she told me to give her time.

Asking you to give her time, means you should live her alone. Stop messaging her, you're only driving her away further and further. If I were you, I would forget about her and work on yourself. Start listening to what has been said, either by your (ex)gf and by us. You're still doing what you do because of your uncertainty. Stop that. You're not listening.

[erwin1973]

I think sometimes people, especially guys (not trying to be sexist), need to feel a sense of control over a messy situation.

That could be very true. I've heard - more than once - that men are 'problem fixers', in other words, we try to solve a problem (that we created... ) in stead of giving someone space. To be honest, I had to learn that, too, and I think I did.

To OP: you really need to start having some respect for your (ex)gf. No means no, you know. And listen to the people who try to help you. But you can't ask everything, you need to reason yourself. We don't know what is in her head (we don't know what she is thinking, nor do we know what you are thinking). You have to come down to earth, start to act reasonable and like a human being that has learned to use his brains. You're not. You really, really should be acting like an adult. Looks to me you're acting like a toddler who got his toy taken away by his parents and keep asking for it. I don't know, I really don't understand why you can't see what everyone - including your (ex)gf - are trying to tell you. You're so convinced only you understand it... then why do you ask for help, if you don't take it when it's offered to you?

Take your responsibility and act like a man. Move on, work on yourself, and then, in a couple of years, find someone else. One thing at the time.

[IzzyBloom]

There's news:

I proposed to her not to talk during 30 days, with two exceptions: if one of us flirts or feels like flirting or cheating with someone else, we would tell the other; and also, we are only going to communicate with the other any way we want when we want to say something very positive .
She accepted and said that, if I did feel something towards someone, she wants me to go for it. She doesn't want me to miss it. She also wants me to say good morning and good night to her so she'll know I'm alive.

God knows how it will end up, but it's a step forward.

[Littlewhiteflower]

Hmm...I'm not sure I understand. You two were broken up, right? So why do you talk about the cheating aspect? I mean it's not really cheating if you're not together anymore. Moreover, I know it's not your intention, but you should not date (either of you) before a while. You need time to get over it and it's not 30 days that will make you ready to date someone else.

[IzzyBloom]

Hmm...I'm not sure I understand. You two were broken up, right? So why do you talk about the cheating aspect? I mean it's not really cheating if you're not together anymore. Moreover, I know it's not your intention, but you should not date (either of you) before a while. You need time to get over it and it's not 30 days that will make you ready to date someone else.

No, the 30 days are not meant for us to get over each other. They are meant for us to realize if there's still a spark between us and we want each other enough we won't want to flirt with anybody else. And, of course, to think about the situation and see if we can trust each other after all.

I even asked her if she wanted me to let her go, and she said she doesn't know what she wants yet. I also apologized for harassing her and she said she forgives me because I just care.
I know the situation is hard to comprehend. I feel like a regular long distance relationship would have already broken up if they were in our feet.

[erwin1973]

Hmm...I'm not sure I understand. You two were broken up, right? So why do you talk about the cheating aspect? I mean it's not really cheating if you're not together anymore.

Because he thinks that they are still in a relationship, LittleWhiteFlower...

[IzzyBloom]

Because he thinks that they are still in a relationship, LittleWhiteFlower...

Haha, nope. I'm single right now.

[erwin1973]

Do you really think it's finished when she sends me pictures of US. And I ask her if she misses those times when I used to make her feel like a princess and she goes "Yes".
Does that seem to be finished for you?

And also when I say good morning and she says "good morning + Ismaelly" (cute name she made up a long time ago).
And when she says she likes it when I say good morning and good night to her?

Yes, I should stop talking to her. And I already did. But don't tell me it's finished because it's not. Especially since she said everything wasn't ruined yet and that I own the shell of her heart. She misses me, but she is hurt, really hurt.
I really wish I could agree with you, I would already be trying to move on. Trust me.

[...] if one of us flirts or feels like flirting or cheating with someone else, [...]

Haha, nope. I'm single right now.

I rest my case...

[IzzyBloom]

I rest my case...

Oh, shoot. The cheating part. Lol. Neither she nor I noticed. She would have told me, trust me.

[IzzyBloom]

Third day. I told her something positive. Here's the outcome related to her response:

[8:07:06 PM] M: Tell me something
[8:09:23 PM] M: Are you certain that I'm not going to do anything with *****?
[8:09:33 PM] I: 100 %
[8:11:10 PM] I: he is indeed a good guy, that's obvious. But you don't want to date him
[8:11:25 PM] I: and I would like to meet him someday
[8:11:36 PM] I: if you still love me
[8:11:55 PM] M: How do you know that he is indeed a good guy?
[8:12:21 PM] I: He took notice of you, he must be a good friend
[8:12:22 PM] M: Why do you want to meet him?
[8:12:43 PM] M: That a mean anything
[8:12:53 PM] I: because I would like to meet my girlfriend's best friend, if he ever becomes your best friend
[8:13:25 PM] M: That doesn't mean anything*
[8:13:33 PM] M: Okay
[8:13:48 PM] I: well.... all I know is you would have never felt attracted if Izzy (me) had been what Izzy should have been
[8:14:29 PM] I: sadly, you wouldn't have needed anyone else in that context
[8:15:41 PM] M: He's not going to be my best friend
[8:15:50 PM] Il: why not?
[8:15:56 PM] I: well, a good friend
[8:17:09 PM] M: My mom is in the hospital. I don't want to talk to you right now
[8:23:04 PM] I: M, please, forget about what I did for just a second. Your mom's healath is important
[8:23:08 PM] I: health
[8:23:23 PM] I: I care about her
[8:23:29 PM] M: She might have appendicitis

Then we talked for a little while about her mom until she told me she wanted to go back to not talking.
What do you guys think? I was actually telling her I trust her. I guess she still hates me and her mom's situation makes it even worse, but I wasn't acting paranoid.

[IzzyBloom]

Update**

[IzzyBloom]

Hmm...I'm not sure I understand. You two were broken up, right? So why do you talk about the cheating aspect? I mean it's not really cheating if you're not together anymore. Moreover, I know it's not your intention, but you should not date (either of you) before a while. You need time to get over it and it's not 30 days that will make you ready to date someone else.

That could be very true. I've heard - more than once - that men are 'problem fixers', in other words, we try to solve a problem (that we created... ) in stead of giving someone space. To be honest, I had to learn that, too, and I think I did.

To OP: you really need to start having some respect for your (ex)gf. No means no, you know. And listen to the people who try to help you. But you can't ask everything, you need to reason yourself. We don't know what is in her head (we don't know what she is thinking, nor do we know what you are thinking). You have to come down to earth, start to act reasonable and like a human being that has learned to use his brains. You're not. You really, really should be acting like an adult. Looks to me you're acting like a toddler who got his toy taken away by his parents and keep asking for it. I don't know, I really don't understand why you can't see what everyone - including your (ex)gf - are trying to tell you. You're so convinced only you understand it... then why do you ask for help, if you don't take it when it's offered to you?

Take your responsibility and act like a man. Move on, work on yourself, and then, in a couple of years, find someone else. One thing at the time.

https://members.lovingfromadistance....l=1#post443092



I think I get it now. It has nothing to do with what I said, right? She is just not in the mood and doesn't want to talk.

[Allurial]

Why do you call her your girlfriend when you just said you were single? You said you'd cut back on talking to only positives and mornings and nights - but you just said this is the third positive day. Give her a break...

[IzzyBloom]

Why do you call her your girlfriend when you just said you were single? You said you'd cut back on talking to only positives and mornings and nights - but you just said this is the third positive day. Give her a break...

My "girlfriend", if she ever gets back with me.
And I said something positive and she replied to it, then the conversation just followed along.
You guys blame everything on me, even when I tell her I trust her (something positive)

[Littlewhiteflower]

Here is what you wrote:

''all I know is you would have never felt attracted if Izzy (me) had been what Izzy should have been
[8:14:29 PM] I: sadly, you wouldn't have needed anyone else in that context''

You seem to think she has been attracted to someone else because you were not enough. Attraction is chimical at first. The brain releases hormones all the time and some people liberate hormones in a way that you're more attracted to them than others. (I'm not an expect, but it is what I retained from my biology class).
You can meet someone in the street tomorrow and feel attracted to her. You don't decide that. What you can decide though is if you let this attraction go farther (dating, being in relationship with this person).

She is NOT supposed to need someone to be happy. If she does, then she needs to seek help and find happiness within herself. You seem to think that she got attracted to this man because you were not enough loving or making her happy. If she blames that on you, than you both are in the wrong here. I've been pissed off at my SO many time. I felt at some point unloved, because he was too 'busy', too 'tired' to talk and so on. I did not turn toward another man. I communicated with him for us to fix our issues and it is going fairly well today. If she tries to find happiness toward another man because she is not happy with you, than she is not ready to be in a relationship.

I think honestly that she was just looking for a friend. You keep bringing up the issue you both went through. Even when you tell her that you won't talk too much to her for 30 days, the conversation ends up coming back to the same thing...

Moreover, the fact that you tell her that you want to meet him sounds a bit like jealousy. I don't think you're ready for that and it's not because a woman is friend with a man and that he is her only friend that he will end up her best friend. I can understand your reasoning, but I don't necessarily think that this reasoning is totally right. He might just be a colleague, a good friend, without being a best friend. You cannot be best friend with someone you met not a long time ago. Especially since your GF has issues and might have trouble trusting people around her. If she never had friends, maybe she won't give her trust to the first person who comes to her.

You also called her your girlfriend while you told us you two were broken up. So, I think you should try to believe in this idea that you two are broken up. it might give you a bit of distance to deal with the situation better. Right now, you seem to need a lot of reassurance by bringing up the subject of the guy and by saying ''If you still love me''. You should just tell yourself, ''okay, today, I'm going to text her, but we are broken up, so I don't talk of the past, of what happened and try not to show I need her to tell me she loves me''.

I just want to say, it is not because you try to convince you that you trust her that you really trust her. It is not because you tell her that, that she believes it either. As I said many times previously, trust takes time to build. You can build trust for years, and then, one day something happen, and the thin line of trust between you is broken. Trust is so fragile, that it is easily broken and is extremely hard to rebuild. It is like a broken plate. You can try to glue it back together, but it is never going to be perfect anymore and it is going to be even more fragile.

I really think you should leave her a bit more space. She seems still harsh with you (according to the conversation you showed) and she seems to have other worries right now.
Don't get mad because of what I said. Honestly, one person can reason in a way according to one's experience, while someone else will see it completely differently. We are just here to help. So, there is nothing to take personally.

Hope this can help..