I need your advice

[IzzyBloom]

Here is what you wrote:

''all I know is you would have never felt attracted if Izzy (me) had been what Izzy should have been
[8:14:29 PM] I: sadly, you wouldn't have needed anyone else in that context''

You seem to think she has been attracted to someone else because you were not enough. Attraction is chimical at first. The brain releases hormones all the time and some people liberate hormones in a way that you're more attracted to them than others. (I'm not an expect, but it is what I retained from my biology class).
You can meet someone in the street tomorrow and feel attracted to her. You don't decide that. What you can decide though is if you let this attraction go farther (dating, being in relationship with this person).

She is NOT supposed to need someone to be happy. If she does, then she needs to seek help and find happiness within herself. You seem to think that she got attracted to this man because you were not enough loving or making her happy. If she blames that on you, than you both are in the wrong here. I've been pissed off at my SO many time. I felt at some point unloved, because he was too 'busy', too 'tired' to talk and so on. I did not turn toward another man. I communicated with him for us to fix our issues and it is going fairly well today. If she tries to find happiness toward another man because she is not happy with you, than she is not ready to be in a relationship.

I think honestly that she was just looking for a friend. You keep bringing up the issue you both went through. Even when you tell her that you won't talk too much to her for 30 days, the conversation ends up coming back to the same thing...

Moreover, the fact that you tell her that you want to meet him sounds a bit like jealousy. I don't think you're ready for that and it's not because a woman is friend with a man and that he is her only friend that he will end up her best friend. I can understand your reasoning, but I don't necessarily think that this reasoning is totally right. He might just be a colleague, a good friend, without being a best friend. You cannot be best friend with someone you met not a long time ago. Especially since your GF has issues and might have trouble trusting people around her. If she never had friends, maybe she won't give her trust to the first person who comes to her.

You also called her your girlfriend while you told us you two were broken up. So, I think you should try to believe in this idea that you two are broken up. it might give you a bit of distance to deal with the situation better. Right now, you seem to need a lot of reassurance by bringing up the subject of the guy and by saying ''If you still love me''. You should just tell yourself, ''okay, today, I'm going to text her, but we are broken up, so I don't talk of the past, of what happened and try not to show I need her to tell me she loves me''.

I just want to say, it is not because you try to convince you that you trust her that you really trust her. It is not because you tell her that, that she believes it either. As I said many times previously, trust takes time to build. You can build trust for years, and then, one day something happen, and the thin line of trust between you is broken. Trust is so fragile, that it is easily broken and is extremely hard to rebuild. It is like a broken plate. You can try to glue it back together, but it is never going to be perfect anymore and it is going to be even more fragile.

I really think you should leave her a bit more space. She seems still harsh with you (according to the conversation you showed) and she seems to have other worries right now.
Don't get mad because of what I said. Honestly, one person can reason in a way according to one's experience, while someone else will see it completely differently. We are just here to help. So, there is nothing to take personally.

Hope this can help..

Yeah, of course you can feel attracted to someone else and even develop feelings. The thing is she has known this guy for two years, so it's fairly weird that she felt confused now and not before. Even she told me part of her was mad at me for causing her to think she liked her friend in a nonfriendship way. I agree with you though, she should have communicated with me, and just told me I was giving her hell before seeking happiness in someone else. She has a problem with communication, she always did and it now backfired. However, I understand her. I'm her first boyfriend, he is her first friend. I behaved like an asshole while he made her happy. I forgive her for that, and because she didn't flirt with him or cheated on me. Still, if we ever get back, I will let her know communication is key.
Thanks a lot for taking your time. You did help.
I don't even know what to do now, I'm supposed to tell her good night, good morning and positive things. If I say something positive, she will be too hurt to like it or believe it. There's 0 positiveness in her mind since we broke up. Would it be a good idea if I ask her to block me everywhere and unblock me if she ever wants me before June? (She booked a flight to Spain in June, it might be our last chance to fall in love again). Her behavior with hurts me like hell most of the time. I gotta add though that she talked to me yesterday and asked me if I had gone to therapy, I said no and explained to her what I had figured out about myself and when I'll go to therapy and she seemed to understand.

[erwin1973]

Positive things are also things like: "Hey the sun is shining here, it's nice weather", or: "Last night I had my favorite meal", things like that. That is positive too. You don't have to talk about her, or you both. Talk about yourself. Act as friends, not as lovers. That last will only drive her away more, because since you're broken up - and she seems to act accordingly - you are not lovers at the present.

Why do you forgive her for doing nothing wrong? I don't understand that... You forgive her for having a friend???? I still don't understand you, sorry. Looks like you really need to sort things out.

Why ask her to block you? And stop focussing on falling in love. That is something you don't control, not from yourself and even less from the other. Take things as they come.

[IzzyBloom]

Positive things are also things like: "Hey the sun is shining here, it's nice weather", or: "Last night I had my favorite meal", things like that. That is positive too. You don't have to talk about her, or you both. Talk about yourself. Act as friends, not as lovers. That last will only drive her away more, because since you're broken up - and she seems to act accordingly - you are not lovers at the present.

Why do you forgive her for doing nothing wrong? I don't understand that... You forgive her for having a friend???? I still don't understand you, sorry. Looks like you really need to sort things out.

Why ask her to block you? And stop focussing on falling in love. That is something you don't control, not from yourself and even less from the other. Take things as they come.

Okay, okay. I understand.
No, for not communicating with me, for saying some stuff she didn't even mean because she was hurt, mad and confused, and for letting things go a bit over the limit, without flirting though. We've always had a very "she and I" relationship; you and I are together and we need no one else. Which is definitely not healthy, but it's important to understand the situation. She feels like she did something unfaithful, I understand she feels like this but I don't consider it cheating. I often feel sexual attraction to other girls and it makes me feel bad too.

Because I don't really know how to handle this. I will do as you said though. Positive things related to life and not to my expectations, desires or feelings. I can't stop focusing on falling in love and getting her trust and love back. What should my purpose be otherwise? Forget about her and quit? She doesn't want that either, for now. I mean, she hasn't even removed our picture together from her Skype.

[C.C.]

[8:07:06 PM] M: Tell me something
[8:09:23 PM] M: Are you certain that I'm not going to do anything with *****?

Honestly? If she asked this out of blue, without you mentioning something about that guy first, I think she's the one who violated the "positive talk" rule here. And I honestly think your responses were appropriate enough. So I don't get what the other guys are about in this case. Unless you started the conversation about the guy or something similar.

But honestly stop thinking too much about this, just relax and follow the flow while keeping the lines you guys have set. You don't need to overthink about the meaning of everything because even now you are just speculating. Just wait and you'll know more with patience rather than trying to guess what's going on in someone's mind.

[IzzyBloom]

Honestly? If she asked this out of blue, without you mentioning something about that guy first, I think she's the one who violated the "positive talk" rule here. And I honestly think your responses were appropriate enough. So I don't get what the other guys are about in this case. Unless you started the conversation about the guy or something similar.

But honestly stop thinking too much about this, just relax and follow the flow while keeping the lines you guys have set. You don't need to overthink about the meaning of everything because even now you are just speculating. Just wait and you'll know more with patience rather than trying to guess what's going on in someone's mind.

Nah, I started the conversation by saying I basically trusted what she had been telling me while I was paranoid and another stuff (not like this, but indirectly).
But yeah, I should just stop overthinking. Thank you.

[autumn1790]

Communication is a two-way street. You can't blame her for being awful at communication when you admit you treated her like an asshole. You absolutely cannot blame her for "allowing" you to treat her that way---your actions are entirely your own responsibility.

[IzzyBloom]

Communication is a two-way street. You can't blame her for being awful at communication when you admit you treated her like an asshole. You absolutely cannot blame her for "allowing" you to treat her that way---your actions are entirely your own responsibility.

And I think I have made clear I don't blame her because the responsability is mainly mine.

Anyways, she texted me to let me know how her mom is doing. She and her mom are doing better. She also apologized for being rude.

[IzzyBloom]

Update:


3 days ago, I told her I wouldn't be able to stay in this situation for much longer and that my heart would be open for her for a long long time, among quite a few things.
Today, I texted her again and said that I didn't mean it, she doesn't deserve better because I now know how not to hurt her. She said she thought I was done and I said I obviously wasn't. Then, we started talking, she was a little bit more receptive. She didn't ignore me yesterday, she even sent me pictures of her new chicks and told me she dreamt about me the other night, she doesn't trust me yet though. Later last night we had a short phone call. She still loves me and wants me but doesn't know what's right anymore. She wanted me to tell her about my theories that lead me to think she and I still talking is no chance. She cried for 20 minutes until she told me she had to go... I'm much more positive than her about things, I intend to transmit her this. Right now, it's just impossible.

I don't know if she'll go back to ignoring me, I said good morning to her. But in case she won't... would complimenting her and talking to her about our past (the nice memories) be a good idea?

[lelyta]

Update:


3 days ago, I told her I wouldn't be able to stay in this situation for much longer and that my heart would be open for her for a long long time, among quite a few things.
Today, I texted her again and said that I didn't mean it, she doesn't deserve better because I now know how not to hurt her. She said she thought I was done and I said I obviously wasn't. Then, we started talking, she was a little bit more receptive. She didn't ignore me yesterday, she even sent me pictures of her new chicks and told me she dreamt about me the other night, she doesn't trust me yet though. Later last night we had a short phone call. She still loves me and wants me but doesn't know what's right anymore. She wanted me to tell her about my theories that lead me to think she and I still talking is no chance. She cried for 20 minutes until she told me she had to go... I'm much more positive than her about things, I intend to transmit her this. Right now, it's just impossible.

I don't know if she'll go back to ignoring me, I said good morning to her. But in case she won't... would complimenting her and talking to her about our past (the nice memories) be a good idea?

Well, the only thing to know the result is to try at this point....... Hopefully with the same treat will come the different result. Btw, have you met the therapist yet? You did tell us you tried to seek professional help too. How it goes?

[IzzyBloom]

Well, the only thing to know the result is to try at this point....... Hopefully with the same treat will come the different result. Btw, have you met the therapist yet? You did tell us you tried to seek professional help too. How it goes?

I will try...
I was going to, but I didn't. I'm just waiting for her to trust me again, then I will seek therapy if I notice no improvements. Even if she and I definitely break up, I will still get therapy for my own wellbeing. Thank you for asking.

[erwin1973]

I said good morning to her. But in case she won't... would complimenting her and talking to her about our past (the nice memories) be a good idea?

I thought you guys agreed about a 30-day communication stop..?

[IzzyBloom]

I thought you guys agreed about a 30-day communication stop..?

Well, yeah... I try. She tries.
Today I just asked her to say good morning and good night to me while she thinks about us, I don't want to force her to have petty talks. It is still very hard, man, it is very hard.

Have you ever been broken up or have you ever been about to break up with your SO?

[erwin1973]

My first gf broke up with me and after a 10 year toxic wedding I walked away. Yes, I have broken up before.

[IzzyBloom]

My first gf broke up with me and after a 10 year toxic wedding I walked away. Yes, I have broken up before.

Do you mean 'a 10 year toxic marriage'? A 10 year wedding seems a bit too long...

[erwin1973]

Marriage, yes... :P