I need your advice

[IzzyBloom]

Marriage, yes... :P

And... why was it toxic?

[Allurial]

If you agreed to a 30 day communication stop then stick with it - the more conversations you have and the tighter you try and hold onto things the messier it will become. You both obviously need time to yourselves and sort things out, and you as you agreed to do SHOULD go see a therapist. Especially since your SO was so supportive of the idea it will show you putting in the effort for the better and give you a professional set of eyes. Plus you still seem to be struggling with this whole thing, honestly it would do you some good. As for your idea of reminiscing about the past - don't leave the past where it was because with the good there was also bad. If you want to honestly fix your relationship you should aim on starting it anew rather then continuing the mess you had and sticking to the past.

"Today I just asked her to say good morning and good night to me while she thinks about us" I don't know if the wording here is making it seem different but it sounds as if rather then a break entirely you want to hash things out? A break is meant to be a TOTAL step back, to give you the time and space to think about things when you reconvene at the end. You aren't supposed to try and work things out in these 30 days, so step back I know its hard but its a necessary part of healing.

[IzzyBloom]

If you agreed to a 30 day communication stop then stick with it - the more conversations you have and the tighter you try and hold onto things the messier it will become. You both obviously need time to yourselves and sort things out, and you as you agreed to do SHOULD go see a therapist. Especially since your SO was so supportive of the idea it will show you putting in the effort for the better and give you a professional set of eyes. Plus you still seem to be struggling with this whole thing, honestly it would do you some good. As for your idea of reminiscing about the past - don't leave the past where it was because with the good there was also bad. If you want to honestly fix your relationship you should aim on starting it anew rather then continuing the mess you had and sticking to the past.

"Today I just asked her to say good morning and good night to me while she thinks about us" I don't know if the wording here is making it seem different but it sounds as if rather then a break entirely you want to hash things out? A break is meant to be a TOTAL step back, to give you the time and space to think about things when you reconvene at the end. You aren't supposed to try and work things out in these 30 days, so step back I know its hard but its a necessary part of healing.

My SO was so supportive of the idea??? since when lol. All she said was "you don't have to do that, Izzy". It's not like she doesn't want me to get help, but she is not "so supportive" as you claim.
With the good there was also bad, yes, but now that I feel like she can only see the bad things, it's important for her not to let them outweigh the reasons why she fell in love with me. I think.
Yes... thank you, it's really hard sometimes

[IzzyBloom]

Update:

I asked her what exactly prevents her from wanting to talk to me (I think I know, but I wanted to know if there is something else). I needed to fully understand this, then I would wait for her. She said she keeps me at arm's length so she will not lose me, the idea of losing me terrifies her. She doesn't really know what to say about my question though. I told her I was going to try to help her, I know how hard it is for her to express her feelings... so I asked her if she is afraid we will never trust each other again, she answered "possibly". I also asked her if she thinks I will hurt her again, she said she didn't know... she stared at our conversation for around 10 minutes before answering.
It's been 14 days since we broke up. To me, it's been such a long time. She has always had trouble to openly discuss bad feelings, so I understand...

[Amaris]

I am sorry to sound rough.
But everyone is getting a bit annoyed by how you're acting I think.

It's better to let her go, since she deserves way more than this. Don't you think?
Besides wasn't it supposed to be a break? You keep contacting her. Give her some space..
So you better work on yourself during the break to make sure you can give her what she deserves.
Or you should really think about letting her go.
...

[IzzyBloom]

I am sorry to sound rough.
But everyone is getting a bit annoyed by how you're acting I think.

It's better to let her go, since she deserves way more than this. Don't you think?
Besides wasn't it supposed to be a break? You keep contacting her. Give her some space..
So you better work on yourself during the break to make sure you can give her what she deserves.
Or you should really think about letting her go.
...

She deserves me now that I know what I failed at, it would not happen again. And I can't let her go as long as she doesn't want me to.
I'm giving her space, yes. I talk to her more than I'd like to, but I'm not smothering her. But fine, I will give her even more space until April.

[Amaris]

It's good that you're aware that you know. And you don't need to let her go, but try to work on yourself a bit in that 'break' time. A break doesn't always mean a break up.
But it does mean to both have some time for yourself to think about things.
And to work on things from your own side. You might miss her, but that is just good, means that you care about her.
If she gets that feeling too, that just shows that she doesn't want to lose you.

But yeah, give it a bit of time, and try to calm down yourself too.

[IzzyBloom]

It's good that you're aware that you know. And you don't need to let her go, but try to work on yourself a bit in that 'break' time. A break doesn't always mean a break up.
But it does mean to both have some time for yourself to think about things.
And to work on things from your own side. You might miss her, but that is just good, means that you care about her.
If she gets that feeling too, that just shows that she doesn't want to lose you.

But yeah, give it a bit of time, and try to calm down yourself too.

I'm glad you understand me, thank you

[Lio]

So. You say you treated her like an asshole, you broke up, you still have feelings for her, you get told that the best to do is to see a therapist to care about your trust issues, etc etc (I summarize it very quickly), then this happens :

I proposed to her not to talk during 30 days, with two exceptions: if one of us flirts or feels like flirting or cheating with someone else, we would tell the other; and also, we are only going to communicate with the other any way we want when we want to say something very positive .
She accepted and said that, if I did feel something towards someone, she wants me to go for it. She doesn't want me to miss it. She also wants me to say good morning and good night to her so she'll know I'm alive.

Third day. I told her something positive.

[...]

Then we talked for a little while about her mom until she told me she wanted to go back to not talking.

Btw, have you met the therapist yet? You did tell us you tried to seek professional help too. How it goes?

I will try...
I was going to, but I didn't. I'm just waiting for her to trust me again, then I will seek therapy if I notice no improvements. Even if she and I definitely break up, I will still get therapy for my own wellbeing.

I thought you guys agreed about a 30-day communication stop..?

Well, yeah... I try. She tries.
Today I just asked her to say good morning and good night to me while she thinks about us, I don't want to force her to have petty talks.

Update:

I asked her what exactly prevents her from wanting to talk to me (I think I know, but I wanted to know if there is something else). I needed to fully understand this, then I would wait for her. She said she keeps me at arm's length so she will not lose me, the idea of losing me terrifies her. She doesn't really know what to say about my question though. I told her I was going to try to help her, I know how hard it is for her to express her feelings... so I asked her if she is afraid we will never trust each other again, she answered "possibly". I also asked her if she thinks I will hurt her again, she said she didn't know... she stared at our conversation for around 10 minutes before answering.
It's been 14 days since we broke up. To me, it's been such a long time. She has always had trouble to openly discuss bad feelings, so I understand...

You clearly lack of will. Already in the beginning, you treated her like shit for no valid reason. She was telling you things honestly, yet you treated her the way you told us. If you had will, you should not have done that, because there was no reason for you not to believe her, and you ended up blocking her and unblocking her. Then you agreed to this "30 days communication stop" except the good morning good night. Alright. But you broke it at the third day. And you don't seem to be actually willing to see a therapist - otherwise you would have seen one already. But what are you doing instead ? Do you listen to what people here tell you ? Or are we all taking to a wall ?? Well, not to a wall, because you always justify to this or that.

If you know what not to do, then that's good, don't do it again. Make sure you won't do it again. That means, work on yourself. See a therapist. Do it, really. Because even though you may be doing efforts to win her trust again, if you do what not to do again, you will lose her forever.

We give you some advices, but you need to put more efforts on yourself. You need to have more will if you want to make it work.

[IzzyBloom]

So. You say you treated her like an asshole, you broke up, you still have feelings for her, you get told that the best to do is to see a therapist to care about your trust issues, etc etc (I summarize it very quickly), then this happens :




[...]












You clearly lack of will. Already in the beginning, you treated her like shit for no valid reason. She was telling you things honestly, yet you treated her the way you told us. If you had will, you should not have done that, because there was no reason for you not to believe her, and you ended up blocking her and unblocking her. Then you agreed to this "30 days communication stop" except the good morning good night. Alright. But you broke it at the third day. And you don't seem to be actually willing to see a therapist - otherwise you would have seen one already. But what are you doing instead ? Do you listen to what people here tell you ? Or are we all taking to a wall ?? Well, not to a wall, because you always justify to this or that.

If you know what not to do, then that's good, don't do it again. Make sure you won't do it again. That means, work on yourself. See a therapist. Do it, really. Because even though you may be doing efforts to win her trust again, if you do what not to do again, you will lose her forever.

We give you some advices, but you need to put more efforts on yourself. You need to have more will if you want to make it work.

" because there was no reason for you not to believe her"
She ended up giving up on me and admitted she was falling for the guy. That's why I blocked her, I didn't know she just lied to me so I'd shut up because she thought I'd never trust her again. I realized this one day after.
I didn't break the deal, I said something positive and she asked me a question. Then, we had a conversation. That's when we broke the agreement.
I'm aware I talk to her more than I'd like to. I just said that, I was just wondering if it's fair enough for her not to be able to tell me why exactly she is acting this way. You're not talking to a wall, I'm conscious of everything. It is extremely hard to achieve down to the last detail, though. I'm willing to see a therapist, if you read me you'd know when.

[erwin1973]

Me too, I honestly wonder why you ever asked for help when you're not preparing to take it when offered. There is always the "No, you don't understand" or "Yes, but...", or something like that. You don't listen, you do what you want to do, keep asking us what to do, we give advice, you tell us we don't understand you and then you go back to breaking promises and all. Honestly, go work on yourself and try to listen. If you ever decide to go to a therapist - and I honestly doubt that you will - and you act to him / her the way you treat us, you'll be done very soon.

[IzzyBloom]

Me too, I honestly wonder why you ever asked for help when you're not preparing to take it when offered. There is always the "No, you don't understand" or "Yes, but...", or something like that. You don't listen, you do what you want to do, keep asking us what to do, we give advice, you tell us we don't understand you and then you go back to breaking promises and all. Honestly, go work on yourself and try to listen. If you ever decide to go to a therapist - and I honestly doubt that you will - and you act to him / her the way you treat us, you'll be done very soon.

You guys help me a lot more than you think. I just... am not used to this. I'm a person that likes discussing his feelings. Now, imagine going through the opposite for 15/30 god knows how many days. She loves me but she doesn't want to talk to me. I just wanted to know all the reasons, there's sometimes misunderstandings.
Should I be more patient? yes, of course. That would be ideal. Now, I think she should have been more clear about our situation. Again, everyone is different.

[IzzyBloom]

Possibly last update.

So... I'm writing this to let you know that I'm going to try to move on. I talked to her last night. She literally said "You wouldn't want me anymore if you knew the truth". I'm not sure what she was referring to, I think she meant I'm not the most important person in her life anymore. She didn't really tell me much, I'm not sure whether all this is about the other guy or if she actually doesn't like him. I don't know. I'll just try to think negatively to get her over as quickly as possible. I told her I'd delete Skype, if she ever wants me, she'll know how to contact me. At first, she asked me please not to delete it, but then got mad and told me to go away, I wouldn't know from her again if I just left her.
We kept talking and she said she wanted me to move on and find happiness. I later asked her to block me so I won't talk to her, she said okay but she didn't block me. She didn't remove our picture together from her Skype either. I did remove mine.
Before leaving, I asked her if there was any possibility for her to come to Spain. She said something like "and show up unannouncedly somewhere where i might not be welcome?". I asked her to text me first, if so, since there's 3 months left. And I also said I didn't believe in coincidences, so I was just going to say "see you soon". Her last words were "see you soon, Izzy". That got me thinking again, I once again had this stupid feeling we weren't over yet.
Today, I deleted her on Skype and put all her presents and bracelets away under my bed.

I just wanted to say thank you for supporting me for 20 days, I know I'm a stubborn person. I'm sorry about that. I kept convincing myself she just needed to heal, then she would come to me. Who knows, though. Time will tell. It's only been 15 days since I broke up with her. I'm going to work on myself.
I will update in 3 months if I remember just to let you guys know about the end of the story. Remember: respect your SO for who they are, try to comprehend her flaws and do not mold him or her into what you want. That will only drive her away.

Good luck everyone

[erwin1973]

Remember: respect your SO for who they are, try to comprehend her flaws and do not mold him or her into what you want. That will only drive her away.

Good luck everyone

Thank you so much for telling us how to treat our partner...

[IzzyBloom]

Do you guys think if it would be a good idea if I asked her in about 15 days to be friends with me? That's what she wants right now. I know she doesn't want to lose me but she doesn't want to date me either, so... Well, she needs time too.
I'm just scared she thinks I'm giving up just because I want zero contact for now and, therefore, she will not talk to me before her flight departs. But I've also told her to talk to me when she heals, so I have no freaking idea what's going to happen.