Moving to him.. But

[bubpar_1]

Hi everyone, I’m new to this site so I aplogise in advance if I have posted this is the wrong thread. Any advice is graciously appreciated.

Basically, what I’m looking for is you all to be upfront and honest with me. Tell me if I’m being ridiculous for even thinking about this, or if my long distance boyfriend is being completely rude for saying such a thing.

First off, I’m 18 years old and I currently suffer from bipolar disorder and depression. My boyfriend of seven months has only recently found out about this, and although finding out so late in the relationship upset him because I I never told him sooner, he has stayed with me and wants to support me. Our love and appreciation for eachother has not changed.

I currently live in Ireland and he lives in the U.K. We fell in love instantly when we first started texting. He’s 20 years old with a good settled job and a close, family oriented guy. As we talked more and more, we found out more and more about eachother. He knows how much I hate living in Ireland, and my dream is one day to escape and live in the U.K. near London, with an urban life. This became our plan for the future. We plan to start renting our first place in about around a years time. For now we are enjoying my visits so I can grow to the area and an urban life.

Then, two nights ago I literally fell broken. We were in the middle of an argument that he had planned to call me at 1 but since his niece called and asked him to go out with her, he said yes as he hasn’t been out the house in two weeks due to being ill. I do understand this and in the end he did end up apologising, which is quite impossible for him to do especially when he thinks he has done nothing wrong. During the argument I said “I’m always there for you!! No matter what!! You always choose your family! Look at me!! I plan to leave my mother and grandparents here to be with you one day!! Would you even do that for me. Would you move here. What if I wanted to go to college here for a few years?!” Straight away he replied “No. My life is set here. You know I wouldn’t leave my family. I have no education. I have my job and my family and that’s it. I'd have nothing.”

I don’t know why I asked him this. One of my mood swings must of fell onto me. I feel I had right to be upset as he never called me (even though he did say at half 12 “My niece has asked me to go out with her babe, so Ima go xx”) So it’s not like he didn’t tell me, but still. I’m completely heartbroken. From the very start of our relationship he knew I would have no problem leaving Ireland, I have very very few relatives who I’m not very close too apart from my mother and grandparents. He knows I’m sick of everything here, and maybe that’s why he chose to fall in love with me in the first place, because he knows I’d have no problem following him.
Am I being ridiculous, or am has he been unreasonable?
Thank you.

[Littlewhiteflower]

Hello,

I got fights with my boyfriend because he was always cancelling phone calls. At some point, i just stopped fighting for them because it's a lost of energy for me and it damages our relationship more than anything.

Maybe you reacted a bit strongly. It's normal when we are mad at people though. We say things that we wouldn't normally say if we were in a good mood.

I don't know why you asked him the question first. Maybe because subconsciously, you recent him for not wanting to move to Ireland while you're ready to make this move. I don't know.

I know that, in my case, I'll have to move for my SO because his job is his life. Literally. Except I'm not preventing me to have a nice future because of the distance. That's why I'm trying to finish university. I'm super close from my relatives and Im somehow recentful toward my boyfriend for refusing to move while the only attach he has in his place is work. But I still try to live with it the best way I can.

I can understand your desire to move together and so on. I just think you might be a bit young for it. Especially in London. Isn't it super expensive there ?!? (I'm asking because I never went there but heard of it). If you think you both can afford it, than great but do not build all your life around your SO Because if he leaves, or if you leave him, you might have a hard time going through it. Be an independent woman
That's the best advice I can give you.
Best of luck to you,
C

[bubpar_1]

Hi C,
First off thank you so much for your kind reply- it’s so much better knowing you’re not alone with this kind of stuff.
Yes, London is indeed super expensive!! I value my independence greatly and I have a good education, I am not worried about finding a good job and I also have him with his sturdy job too (Even though I know not to fully rely on him.)
I don’t think I even subconsciously resent him for not wanting to move, and I don’t know why I asked. With my disorder it is so much easier to get angry easier, and I think I wanted to test his love for me to see if he would be like “Yes, I’d go anywhere for you no matter what” just like I would for him. But then again, I have nothing tying me down here so I guess it would be easy to do that. Again, it was the plan all along, I’m just surprised he was able to answer so quick and rashly.
Anyway, give me a message if you ever need any advice, I’m here to listen

[Chris516]

bubpar_1, You didn't say which type(BP-I, BP-II, Cyclothymia) of Bipolar Disorder you have been diagnosed with. Do you have mood swings on a regular basis?

You told him you wanted to move. So, There was no benefit to 'testing' him.

I gather you live in the Republic of Ireland. Not Northern Ireland, correct?

[Heynow2714]

The question of if he would move there, is more about feeling valued. Moving from your home, family, friends even if you are less connected to them than others are is a big deal and the fact that you are going to for him says you value your relationship more than all of those other things in your life. You felt unimportant when he bailed on your phone plans, so you threw that out there in my opinion, to see if he valued you as much as you value him. And while we all go through that moment of questioning (who loves who more), the important fact is you both love each other and support each other's lives. Don't put your relationship on a scale to see who loves who more. That isn't important.

When you are with his family and him, do you feel included? Or are you fighting for his attention? If it's the latter, you and him will need rules about time spent for family and the relationship so you both are happy.