In a fight right now - anxiety makes this so much harder

[Reginafelange]

Hello, I'm new.
I've never been one for short posts so i apologise in advance.

I met my partner 4 months ago.
I suffer from severe anxiety and its making life very hard for us.
Im very self doubting and constantly worry when my partner is not here that everything will become too much for him and he'll end the relationship despite everything he says and does to reassure me. I also worry about money because his spending habits are rather erratic right now and i need to feel he can be responsible for the well being of my family when we finally close the gap.

I was abused in my relationship before this 4 years ago. Im really confused as to what is normal on my part. How much contact is too much? Am i over reacting over not receiving a text back? Especially in a LDR. Its not anything I've had to deal with in the past. I'm having to learn patience.

I sometimes find myself picking minor arguments over delays in replying to messages, money or lack of communication because I'm frustrated and anxious.

I forget how close we are when he's not here and struggle to read him and his emotions and believe him when he says everything is fine until i see him and can feel that everything is ok.

We had an argument over the phone this morning after a discussion last night where we made comments to each other, i stayed up all night dwelling on it and because I'm over tired we argued about it and now neither of us are speaking.

Most of the time he's very understanding of my anxiety but today i feel like he doesnt understand me at all. I'm struggling to see through the fog

It feels so hard. I love him so much.

[erwin1973]

Hi and welcome, Regina.

Well, one thing at the time... Your anxiety is your problem. I suggest you go find professional help for that.

There is no such thing as 'a couple in a long distance relationship should text / chat / cam that often and that long'. You have to find out what works best for you both. My lady and me are lucky that we can chat an hour twice a day. Others have only time for each other in the weekends, but as long as they are happy with that, there is no problem. So find out what works best for you both. Probably the one who needs the most time, has to compromise a bit more.

When your partner is at work / sleeping / going out / at school / driving / walking his dog / relaxing / battery of the phone dead... he can't reply. He has his own life, where he is fitting you in. It looks like he doesn't build his life around you, waiting every second of the day if you will respond. That means, in my opinion, that he is doing well and is relaxed. Give him time, he has his own things and responds when he has time for it.

Don't argue too much. That is toxic, especially over small things. Again: give him space and trust him. And more so: trust yourself. Really, you should go find help for your anxiety, because this is bad for yourself (in the first place) and for your relationship.

That again, is a lack of trust in yourself. Again: go work on this, preferrably with professional help.

I think that may be - of course I don't know him - he understands you but not your axiety. That is very, very hard to deal with for a partner. When you go in the 'axiety-mode', he probably gets furstrated because he doesn't know how to get along with that, and that is making you more anxious and so on. So, again: you really, really should go find help. That will make you feel more self-confident and then you can sleep better, fight less, and have a better life and a better relationship.

One more thing: don't build your life around him. Build your life around you and fit him in. When you are happy with yourself (clearly you're not, but that can be helped by a professional), you can be happy with your partner.

I know it's hard, but when you fix yourself, all will be soooo much better (I know from my own experience).

[Reginafelange]

Thankyou. you're right about almost all of that. He is very relaxed and has things to do. Its something I'm working on. I've had a lot of councilling over the years but nothing In regards to being in a new relationship.
This is all very new to me. Learning to trust and be patient. We do only speak once a day with the odd few text messages in between. I don't like to bother him if i know he's working and i dont get sensitive over that but there are times when i feel like he could consider I'm having a hard day and perhaps need a little more reassurance and attention.

I think things are hard to adjust to because when we first decided to make a go of it he fell ill and was out of work and needed me a lot more so we were in constant contact almost and he was travelling to see me or vice versa every week for a week.

Now he's busy again i sometimes feel I'm being cast aside a little. I know it's my issue and not his. I completely understand that.

Im trying so very hard not to get frustrated over things. I can see exactly where I'm going wrong but i dont feel like he's accommodating my needs as well as he could be sometimes and it is hard not to bring it up when i want to be open and honest. We have a very strong relationship for the most part but my insecurities are weakening us.

I'm making a lot of changes in my life for myself right now as I'm also agorophobic so I've been working on getting out without needing assistance and it's been exhausting. I'm really putting everything i can into bettering myself for my own happiness and so that our relationship doesn't suffer.

I just wish i could stop the thoughts of self doubt and worry that he's not got time for me and focus on all the positive things that are happening.

I guess it's all part of the genie gig. I can only try.

Thankyou again. I found your response very helpful. Sometimes i just need to hear from a third party because i struggle so much with 'normal'.

[C.C.]

I love the username, it's Friends reference isn't it?

Also reading your post, I think you need to realise that this is not just a relationship issue and it's just something you individually have problems with getting in the way. Like it's the actual anxiety (I know you know that) and the best way to deal with is to try anxiety management. Try to control your own mind and reassure yourself and so on. I don't know if enough sources are available online or if you'd 100% need a therapist for it. But my point is, you should look at this from anxiety point of view rather than the relationship one first. Also you could easily be traumatised from that previous relationship and it might be making things worse.

Best of luck!

[Reginafelange]

Yes nice spot. It is a friends reference.

I have had CBT and several other forms of therapy to help me deal with my mental health. I was also sexually assaulted 2 years ago almost to the day and my current partner is the only person I've felt comfortable around. Men have always scared me since leaving my abusive partner and more recently being assaulted.
I know its had a really big impact on my self confidence. Everything I've learned in therapy is in there somewhere but i still struggle. Its not everyday. Somedays are much better than others and since meeting my other half i have the drive to want to get better. Before i had a very seldom lifestyle. Was happy sitting at home alone or with my kids. I even said to my teenage daughter is it sad that I'm happy it just being the three of us? Meaning my 2 kids and i.

I was terrified of meeting someone new. Now that i have i have completely opened up and i feel very raw and vulnerable. I've put my trust into this man.
Maybe a lot of my stress is because I'm feeling so open and vulnerable. I'm so used to being closed off.

There's so so much i could go into. All things that play a part in trying to tear me down and i feel i am constantly walking uphill facing my anxieties. Its very scary.

I just want to be able to relax when we're apart. I have no intention on giving up working on myself or our relationship though. This is the reason I'm here asking for help.
I need to look into a confidence building course or something.

Thankyou also for your reply. Again it is very much appreciated

[erwin1973]

Actually, you know really well what is going on with yourself. That is very good to see. So now the last step, and that is the hardest. Sorry to hear you also have agoraphobia. That must be really hard...

[Reginafelange]

thanks again Irwin.

I've lived for many years with anxiety and low mood. The agoraphobia was a result of the assault so more recent but im not completely confined to the house as some are. Its still a big work in progress. Good days vs bad. Sorry going off Topic a bit.

I know my own moods very well and i can see where the problem areas lie. I just think i needed to hear that it is just me and not my partner because there are times that i think its not me being oversensitive. My own brain tries to push him away Sometimes because im so afraid of getting hurt.

[erwin1973]

My name is 'erwin'... Again, good that you know it yourself. Many deny it at all costs. That's a big step you made already. Keep fighting (it's hard, I know).

[Reginafelange]

My apologies Erwin. Oops.
Thankyou
It gives me a little relief to know im on the way to fixing myself by being able to recognise what the problems are. Unfortunately im still ill equipped to deal with emotions when they are sprung on me. Im not really a suffer in silence kinda gal. However i do feel like i have learned a lot today maybe i can put it in to practice....

Our fight is over we spoke and things are ok. Basically the same discussion ive had here is what he says anyway. It was easier to listen to it come from him without feeling sensitive about it.

Thanks all.

[erwin1973]

No problem.

[MyRose]

I have felt similar intensity and severe anxiety when in your situation as well. The best way my baby and I got through it was by calling each other. Our texts became so fierce and vivid towards one and other. It wasn't until we called and heard each other on the phone that we recognized our timidness and tenderness for each other; along with one and other's feelings. We were able identify the intimidation that bestowed us; which so happened to be the fear of losing each other.

[MyRose]

Hi, C.C.,

I just had to let you know, I absolutely love your quote in your signature!