He gave me the "I don't want to waste your time" speech

[underthewater]

Hi everyone. So as some of you may know, my boyfriend went to Hong Kong for a new job last month and now I'm planning a visit. He told me "I always looked into other girls" and it turned out to be his past, you may see it in my previous post. And today when we tried to confirm my visit dates, he was hesitant and started to talk about things like "what if after two years you can't find a job in Hong Kong so you can't come here".

I know he's having a lot of stress from work recently and that's why I wanted to visit in the first place. So I told him that if he's not that enthusiastic, then I wouldn't go because I wanted to go there to support him, not to make troubles and more stress. I told him to think about it and let me know if he truly wanted it or not by tonight.

He replied me just now:

"Yes baby, of course you should come and it would be lovely to see you. My hangup is a bigger one. I'm questioning the whole idea of what this is leading to. Frankly, I am looking to settle down in about 6 years. I never had a youth and I am making up for it now. You want to settle down much sooner. This is a discrpancy and I don't want to waste your time. I have all the time in the world. You are a gem. Plan your trip but know that maybe we should have a real chat about the future because you and O see differently."

We talked then on phone shortly and I decided to go there and have that talk. He's actually happy to see me there but I guess he has bigger concerns. I think it's better if we have that talk now than later. I told him before I don't want to divorce ever in my life so I only marry someone I have full confidence of. But I want to settle down with a long term partner before my 30. I'm 25 this year and he's 34.

I almost laughed when I read that "I don't want to waste your time" line although it's actually not funny at all. It just sounds so familiar. Any opinions?

[noodle]

Honestly I dont get the feelin he's serious about your relationship.
From the posts before it kinda seems to me that he is faithfull and with you but that he's not that comitted to this relationship.
I'm not sure if I'm gettin this right but example the whole settlin down thing. A lot on here are considerin or already plannin or whatever to marry their SO, so am I even if we're all pretty young. There are one or two on here who are both 16-17 and already engaged.
I know some people see this thing differently but yet I don't really see him bein like "oh yea I would considerin marrying you at some point"
I don't know whats his purpose with datin you and everything but I dont really get the feelin he is much into that relationship.

[Silviar]

I think that he's a wonderful man who you have a great relationship with, but ultimately, he seems convinced you have different relationship goals than he does. So I would talk to him and ask if he's happy looking at long-term with you and waiting to get married in about 6 years, as that's what he apparently wants, or if you want to get married before 30 and so on. If that's the case, then I think it's time to break up with him and look for someone who has the same relationship hopes and goals you do.

He sounds like he really keeps himself at a distance, so I would be cautious.

[squiddie]

It seems like, as noodle and Silviar said, he's not 100% in the relationship. His time in Hong Kong is supposed to be just a year, right? It's possible that in that time, he may feel that he's done recapturing his "misspent" youth.

I'd say, as long as this is still fun for the two of you, go ahead and keep having fun. But if it's starting to feel like a waste of time, like he's sounding like he might be afraid it is, then maybe you both should evaluate whether or not the relationship is what the two of you need.

For the time being, hey, keep planning your trip to Hong Kong. You used to live there, am I correct? Does your family still have ties to the city? That way you can have other plans set just in case things go sour.

[Karringtyn]

Think about what YOU want. He obviously has stated what he wants. He is 34? And he is recapturing his youth? Hmmm. While I think he is a good guy and very honest from what you have said....I think he is giving you MAJOR red flags....especially for someone of his age. "going to always look at others.." "not settling down..." "recapturing his youth"...he is definitely trying to push you away and give you reasons to stay at a distance....

Again I repeat...figure out what YOU want hon. YOU deserve someone that can meet your relationship goal too.

[underthewater]

Thanks everyone!

It's kind of weird that he never mentioned this before when we spent the first 6 months in the same city, and he's the one who told me that he wanted to have a LDR when I told him "it's not healthy" (when I first learned the fact that he's going to leave). I don't know if this all comes from the stress he's having from moving to a new city and starting a new job.

I think I'll go there, have a talk with him, and ask him to explain what he wants to do to "recapture his youth". From the pervious conversation we had, I think he's telling me that he realized he had deeper feeling for me (the day he arrived in Hong Kong he emailed me saying "I almost teared up at the airport...ok, I did tear up at the airport, and that's how I know I have deep feelings for you." Can't believe he realized that late!) and he wouldn't be able to be with any other girls if I'm the last one.

He's going to stay in Hong Kong for at least a few years, I plan to work in HK after I graduate in two years. I think he doesn't want to let me go now, but he's not sure if he doesn't want to have a "taste" of more girls. I guess this is what he meant by "recapture his youth". He knows he can't have both, and he's struggling. He probably was never in a serious and committed relationship before.

I don't really want to get married soon, I don't think marriage gives me guarantee of anything. In China people call single women over 30 "left-over women" which I can't disagree more. I prefer to spend more than a couple of years to get to know a person deeply, and then decide if I want to marry him. Of course the both of us have to be committed and honest during this process. This is my expectation of this relationship, and I'll see if he wants it as well.

[XX, Lexi]

I like the plan with what you're doing to do, Underthewater.
Talking to him about not only what he meant about 'recapturing his youth', but also about both of your goals, will allow you two to see what the future may hold. It's great that you don't want to get married right away, as you mentioned in your latest post, and I hope that he's as committed and honest as you are when you go to talk to him. From what I read, the previous posts are right. He doesn't seem that serious about your relationship and I think talking to him about what both of you see for the future, as far as marriage and moving there and so on.

Gah, sorry if this is jumbled and confusing!

[underthewater]

^Thanks!

He asked me about our "visit pattern" for 2011 yesterday morning on phone, he said he planned to take 10 days off in February during the Chinese New Year so we could travel in Europe together. Then I mentioned we could visit each other during Easter, Summer and I have more time next year to deal with the US visa thing so I might manage to go to the States with him for next Christmas and he said it's a good plan. And then last night I got this text.

At least he proposed this "real chat" now, I don't want to realize that he is "not into a serious relationship" after I give up opportunities in the UK or elsewhere to work and move my whole life in Hong Kong and then find out all these. I sent him an email last night saying that I didn't feel that great about his text but I want to have a "real chat" face-to-face, that I hope we can have some calm, mature and honest communication.

I'll let everyone know the result of our chat. Ok, so should I now post in the "counting down till you see your SO" thread? Lol...I have 12 more days to go!

[Karringtyn]

I am thinking of you and will be looking for an update!

[Silviar]

I'm glad you're being so balanced about this, hun. It's good - it's a discovery process for both of you, it really is. Enjoy your time together, and I'll be looking for an update, too.

[Dauntedpoet]

Think about what YOU want.
Again I repeat...figure out what YOU want hon. YOU deserve someone that can meet your relationship goal too.

Totally agree! and I am impressed with how thoughtful and centered you are being with a difficult situation! Good thoughts for you!