Should I ask for another chance??

[C.C.]

I think she was definitely immature, but she’s what? 17 years old? And this is maybe her only serious relationship? It doesn’t make it okay but unfortunately, I think text breakups are the norm for teenagers. She’s a young girl who seems to be going through a hard time and is scared she is going to lose her dad. Maybe her dad had a suicide attempt. Maybe he’s in the hospital right now.

I get all this. I am not saying she's bad and what she's doing is very understandable. But...

If she needs someone to talk to about her dad, and she feels he is the only one she can open up to about this, then I think he should be able to set their relationship issues aside at least temporarily. Especially since he is interested in wanting to give their relationship another go.

This is where I disagree. Whether her reasons are understandable or not, it's still super unfair towards OP and he isn't obligated to deal with it. He's going through a breakup, which is incredibly hard already. On top of that he's feeling extremely guilty when it's not really his fault (not only at least) that things went this way. I honestly think that the OP should just move on and I am discussing this in his context and point of view mainly. I get where you are coming from and I also feel sorry for her situation but I don't think it's the best to make his guilt grow further right now and I honestly think his reaction was very natural and normal too.

Also okay she needs help, understandable, and he might comfort her, but what then? It won't make her want to go back together probably. And then he'll feel even more hurt because this kind of conversation gives hope and this type of emotional closeness is in the past, not coming back. I don't want to crucify her but I don't want the OP to feel bad or guilty for anything either. I know he doesn't want to move on yet himself but this just brings more pain to him regardless, unless they go back together. But that wouldn't make the relationship any healthier so this situation would repeat itself in some time again.

We are giving advice to him, not her and I think we shouldn't neglect how he potentially feels or ends up feeling either. I know he won't listen and he'll try to contact her again and all that. But it doesn't mean that it's generally right thing to do. Also, just because she's young, it doesn't mean her feeling better should come at the expense of others getting hurt. It's sad that she has to face so much this young but she has to play with the universe's rules, in which a break up means a break up and it's extremely unfair for someone to be expected to be there for her after that.

[C.C.]

She did tell me a couple times that she hated the distance and misses me a lot and wished my break would come faster. But, you’re right, she never did tell me she was unhappy until after the breakup... she has definitely been acting selfish like her feelings are what matter. Why say “I’m not ready to see you yet.” Then come to me for emotional support? I mean sure her dad is trying to commit suicide and I care for her and I’d like to me be there for her but I don’t want her to take advantage of me. Also, two days before we broke up, she was super stoked to see me and I could tell by the way she was talking. She was excited. But then when she sent the break up text it read “I know you’re coming back but then you’ll leave again... and I thought I’d be ok with it but it hurting me. My depression episodes are getting worse and I need to work on myself before I can try to make others happy. It’s hurting me that I’m doing this but it’s for the best”

I just don’t understand how it helps her depression when I can’t be with her. I was always there for support and now that her dad is not doing well again, she’s looking to me for support. But you dumped me over text remember? I’m conflicted for sure.

She really seems lost and confused herself. Dealing with long distance is hard and it's right that she should focus on herself, then she felt awful again and came to you because she thinks she has no one elsem, probably. It's not like she's doing this on purpose and she probably doesn't even realise how much worse all of this is.

However it still doesn't obligate you of anything. She ended it herself. Just because she's struggling it doesn't mean you should be dragged down as well, especially when she was the one who cut the ties. You should honestly focus on your own emotional state and all that and approach this from two individual people's point of view not from a relationship one. Then decide however you want to, but I don't think this relationship can be saved or worked on right now. And I'd suggest that even if you decide to comfort her, you keep a significant emotional distance and don't "expose yourself" essentially.

[Michelle]

C.C., I totally get what you’re saying. I’m probably projecting my own feelings here because I very much empathize with anyone dealing with suicide in their family. I just feel like if I was in this situation and Frank had left me, and he came to me because he was going through a family crisis like this, and I was the only one he felt he could talk to, I wouldn’t be petty and would talk to him about it (with no strings attached) because I care about him and his family regardless if we are together or not. And you’re right, if he does talk to her he needs to keep some emotional distance and have zero expectations that they have a chance at getting back together just because she is opening up to him about her dad.

Unfortunately, (sorry, OP) I also agree that there is probably little chance of this relationship being saved because it seems that there is little care/regard for one another’s feelings, both past and present.

[C.C.]

I am so so sorry you had to deal with it in the past, Michelle.

I get it, I'd really be much softer and giving her a different advice if she had come here and posted this situation from her perspective. Also you and Frank are different, you already have a really strong foundation that has taken years. I'd not leave my SO either, despite us having a rocky past. However, it's still an individual decision and I find it absolutely admirable but it comes with a heavy cost and it's not a given thing for couples to do when they have ended things.

I am kind of subjective as well, not for heavy reasons, but I am naturally prone to understanding guys and how they feel in these situations more. I apologise if it was a bit harsh.

[Interrobanger]

Yeah, I think you’d guys are right. She’s super confused on what she wants and what to do. I know it’s all up to her if she wants to be back together or not. I feel like there is a small chance that she will come back. But, I do want to see her by the end of this week because I wanna let her know that I’ve been thinking about all the times I neglected her and didn’t commit enough. I’m hoping I can change her mind about it by letting her know that I saw what was ripping us apart and that I’d like to make a change for the better. How do you think I should go about this?? Should I just pop up at her door with her favorite chocolates and see if we can talk about it? I wanna let her know that the door will be open to her if she wants to comeback but I won’t be waiting around obviously. I also don’t want to sound desperate. I just want to her to give it another chance.

[C.C.]

I don't think unannounced appearance will be a good thing in this situation. Just see if she agrees to it, if not, don't do it or just do it online.

[erwin1973]

I think if you really want her to know, maybe you just write in down in a handwritten letter and send it to her. Don't push, as has been said many times. No, I don't think you should visit her. If you really want to explain, put it on paper (again: handwritten) and post it in the mailbox. She'll find you when she feels the need for it. Be honest, but don't be pushy.
Good luck.

[Interrobanger]

Update: I'm still leaving Sunday afternoon, but she reached out to me about an hour ago asking if we could meet up. At first, she asked to see me after school on Friday but I already had plans. I asked if we could meet on Saturday instead and she said she was gonna be hanging out with a friend (I feel like she's seeing someone because she said "friend" instead of their name or maybe its a new friend she recently made, I don't know. I try not to worry too much.) She then followed up with "Let's grab breakfast then?" I responded with, "sure, sounds good." cause I want to sound neutral but polite as possible. I'm kinda nervous as to why she wants to see me. Deep down, I want her to say she regrets the break-up, but there's little chance of that happening. Realistically, she just might want to talk in person just cause but I can't help but think there's some underlying reason she wants to talk right before I leave. We're going to eat Waffle House but I'm weak to my stomach to meet her. What should I do? Should I even bring up the break-up? How should I talk to her. In advance, thank you for helping out. It really eases my suffering lol.

[RWhiz]

I am sorry but her behaviour bothers me a lot.

She broke up via text and gave no shit about how you felt. Or essentially she was immature and wanted to avoid the consequences of the decision SHE made. And now she dares to write you for emotional support? I feel like she's treating you too awfully and you don't deserve this much struggle just because she's so immature. I mean being suicidal is a serious issue, but come on, she should have at least broken up respectfully and explained what happened. It's unfair to treat someone like shit and then expect kindness from them. I don't blame you for saying "ok??" at all. Yes it's cold but the situation is a mess and it naturally brought that response as well.

Yea I agree with this response.

OP, do yourself a favor and move on, plenty of other chicks and you're are only 19, so you've got a lot of life and girls ahead of you. This one seems like a train wreck anyway.

[Interrobanger]

You’re right. Honestly, I have been tying to move one. Not talking to her for two weeeks actually gave me time to think about our situation and I’m most certain that I don’t want to get back together even if she asks to. The whole thing was stressful and I’m still super young and she’s gonna go off to college in Alabama. I go to Florida. I just wanna experience dating beyond high school now and focus on my future like she told she wants to. I called BS on that because I found her on a dating site a few days ago. Haha. Doing LDR for 4 years with occasional meet ups over summer and breaks?? I’ll pass. Thank you guys for helping me see things clearly. I really appreciate it.

[Interrobanger]

Update

I know this is a couple days late... but I felt like posting an update about our meeting last Saturday. The first thing she says when she gets in the car is that she still has anxiety and is having it right now, and that it's all her and not me. I told her that it wasn't all her and that I made my fair share of mistakes. She was surprised to hear that, because she never thought about that as a reason to break-up. She told me that she lied when she said that she doesn't love me anymore. She wanted me to move on faster... I said that was stupid of her and it hurt me really bad. She started crying and then hugged me for like 5 minutes then I gave her a kiss on the cheek. She told me she has feelings for me but doesn't want to get back together. The long distance was killing her and it always made her sad and lonely, and she said she doesn't want to put herself through that for the next 4 years. She doesn't want to waste our time together being far apart for the most of it. I didn't agree with her, but I didn't push her to change her mind. She's a super touchy-feely person (basically, she wants someone who can give her physical touch every day...), and she wants to stop depending on others to be happy, and work on herself before trying to make others happy. I asked her if she would consider getting back together in the future if we can figure out the distance, and she said yeah but I don't want us to have our hopes up because she's afraid that we might find someone new and break the others heart. She just wants us to be "best friends who can't have sex." Whatever that means. I can't think of having another long-term relationship after this because we were thinking about getting promise rings and getting married after college, and I love her very much. She told me she's going to the psychologist twice a month now, and she's getting surgery on her ovaries over the summer, because there is skin growing on them and she's always in pain due to that. She told me she wants to hang out over the summer, and go to six flags with me and stuff. I'd love that, but thinking about spending my summer with her while we still have feelings for each other hits me in the gut. Its gonna be like shes with me but not with me. She sent me pictures of her on snapchat the next day and I complimented her on them. She didn't take the compliment like always, and didn't say thanks so then why send me a picture. She would then keep posting pictures of her hanging out with her friends and super happy. After that, checking my snapchat every two minutes to see if she texted me or posted anything became an unhealthy obsession. Snapchat is our main source of communication and she just keeps texting me hot and cold. I finally decided to block her last night to create some space between us so I can try to move on. I dunno if she has noticed yet, but I'm going no contact for at least two weeks. Its the first day and I start crying out of nowhere. I decided I need to write about this so here I am... I dunno... its really hard on me. I feel like everytime I try to take a step forward, I take two steps back. I wanna change and learn to live without her so that during the summer, being friends with her would be easier. I know I want her back someday because I truly believe we are meant to be together. When I am done with the NC period, how should I reopen communication?

[karikala]

I know this is a couple days late... but I felt like posting an update about our meeting last Saturday. The first thing she says when she gets in the car is that she still has anxiety and is having it right now, and that it's all her and not me. I told her that it wasn't all her and that I made my fair share of mistakes. She was surprised to hear that, because she never thought about that as a reason to break-up. She told me that she lied when she said that she doesn't love me anymore. She wanted me to move on faster... I said that was stupid of her and it hurt me really bad. She started crying and then hugged me for like 5 minutes then I gave her a kiss on the cheek. She told me she has feelings for me but doesn't want to get back together. The long distance was killing her and it always made her sad and lonely, and she said she doesn't want to put herself through that for the next 4 years. She doesn't want to waste our time together being far apart for the most of it. I didn't agree with her, but I didn't push her to change her mind. She's a super touchy-feely person (basically, she wants someone who can give her physical touch every day...), and she wants to stop depending on others to be happy, and work on herself before trying to make others happy. I asked her if she would consider getting back together in the future if we can figure out the distance, and she said yeah but I don't want us to have our hopes up because she's afraid that we might find someone new and break the others heart. She just wants us to be "best friends who can't have sex." Whatever that means. I can't think of having another long-term relationship after this because we were thinking about getting promise rings and getting married after college, and I love her very much. She told me she's going to the psychologist twice a month now, and she's getting surgery on her ovaries over the summer, because there is skin growing on them and she's always in pain due to that. She told me she wants to hang out over the summer, and go to six flags with me and stuff. I'd love that, but thinking about spending my summer with her while we still have feelings for each other hits me in the gut. Its gonna be like shes with me but not with me. She sent me pictures of her on snapchat the next day and I complimented her on them. She didn't take the compliment like always, and didn't say thanks so then why send me a picture. She would then keep posting pictures of her hanging out with her friends and super happy. After that, checking my snapchat every two minutes to see if she texted me or posted anything became an unhealthy obsession. Snapchat is our main source of communication and she just keeps texting me hot and cold. I finally decided to block her last night to create some space between us so I can try to move on. I dunno if she has noticed yet, but I'm going no contact for at least two weeks. Its the first day and I start crying out of nowhere. I decided I need to write about this so here I am... I dunno... its really hard on me. I feel like everytime I try to take a step forward, I take two steps back. I wanna change and learn to live without her so that during the summer, being friends with her would be easier. I know I want her back someday because I truly believe we are meant to be together. When I am done with the NC period, how should I reopen communication?

It seems like you both do care about each other. But dealing with distance is not easy, especially for her it seems. I won't shut down the option where the distance problem can be figured out, but she doesn't seem optimistic. I'm sorry that it's such a difficult situation, but you do both deserve to be happy. And she isn't happy with distance; you aren't happy without her in a committed relationship. So truly it seems the best option, as of now, is finding a way for both of you to move on.

The best way to move on is leaving things on a positive note.... please, I speak from experience, it's not pleasant to end things with someone you care about on terrible terms... Talk things through and make a mutual agreement - Probably something like: you agree not to talk romantically to each other anymore, and have a mutual understanding that you are BOTH trying to move on, and you want to make this as easy as possible for each other (that's what it sounds like she meant by just being "best friends and nothing more").

It's going to take some time ... and it will be hard at first when you still have feelings for each other. You probably don't want to move on... it hurts to think of a future without someone you care so much for right now.
But that's why I think it's important to - at the very least - leave things on a more positive note. If by "texting you hot and cold" means she has been a bit unpleasant towards you, I think it's in both of your guys' best interest to speak up about this... and remind each other that you are both trying to move on and want to make this as easy as possible for each other. Be kind.... but then, not romantic. It will be hard... so I hope you have someone else you can talk to during this time. not just her.

Basically I think hard-blocking her will make things more complicated and might make it harder to move on... If someone is being abusive/cruel toward you, I encourage hard-blocking. but if things can be solved by talking it through instead, I think this is definitely the better option. I hope the best for you.

[Interrobanger]

Honestly, I love her and I know we have strong chemistry and holding ourselves back from each other is gonna be hard. I secretly want to be friends with benefits with her but that could hurt us. I don’t know. Today, I told her that I’m torn, and that I love hearing from her but I can’t because I wanna protect myself. Sometimes, it seems like she WANTS me to chase her and try to get her back but I dunno. She still hasn’t elaborated on what was going wrong in our relationship and that bugs me. I wanna know exactly what went wrong so I can try to change things accordingly.