Girlfriend does want to learn about my past

[depressedamerican]

I am a 23 year old Canadian male, and my girlfriend, 23, is British. We have been official for almost a year now. We are deeply in love and both of us would do almost anything for each other. We have talked daily over Skype every single day for almost a year straight. Let's call her Alex. I know almost every single thing about Alex simply because we have talked for nearly a year straight, and I would say that she knows almost everything about me. I am literally closer with her than I am with certain members of my family, and the same could basically be said about me with her.

Alex is a very unique girl with a very unique tomboyish personality, which is part of the reason I love her so much. Unlike a lot of girls I have met, Alex is one of the most straightforward people I have ever met in my entire life. I would not be exaggerating if I said that over the course of our relationship and friendship she has never initiated a single argument with me to my knowledge, ever. Every single argument that we have had was initiated by me, and all of them were over small, insignificant things, and these arguments weren't even heated at all. Basically, if Alex has something to say, or if something is wrong, she lets me know. I don't really worry about her hiding things from me. This is one of the many, many things that I love about her. However, as much as I love her sometimes she is literally so straightforward, laid-back and casual that some days she almost feels like a robot. My personality is somewhat different than her. Although I know for a fact that she loves me as much as I love her, she is a very laid back person and doesn't really care about small things and little details. I am bisexual and my personality is very androgynous, I am very hyper and not really laid-back at all, I pay attention to little details, etc etc. It may be this difference in our personalities that amplifies my confusion.

I included that last paragraph about her personality just because it adds to my confusion. Basically, we were talking one day and I realized that Alex has never really directly asked for information about my past (childhood, experiences, etc) before. We know what we know about each other just from random conversations that we happen to have. Since Alex is such a straight up person, I asked her if she ever wanted to hear or know about my past before. She said that there "isn't a need" and that I could tell her whatever wanted, but she just doesn't "need to know". This upsets me highly simply because it makes me wonder if she secretly dislikes me. It adds to my confusion because it’s just extremely hard to know whether or not she basically doesn’t give a fuck either way, or she is disgusted and intimidated by the things that I have done, and the things that have happened to me in my past. I have given here bits and pieces, as well as funny and embarrassing stories and she seemed to enjoy them.

Another one of the reasons that I suspect she genuinely wants to steer away from hearing about my past is that I have done a lot of things that I wouldn’t really share with people that i’m not extremely emotionally close with. None of it was really morally wrong or illegal, just weird things that I have done as a result of my trauma and abuse as an adolescent. I was verbally, physically, and sexually abused as a child, and as a result I had very poor emotional health. This caused me to partake in a lot of quirky, weird, and embarrassing behaviors as a kid. When I have told Alex some of the bits and pieces of it, she has always reassured me every single time that they would not cause her to think negatively of me. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met, and I can’t help but think that she may be hiding some of these negative thoughts from me to protect me.

I am completely split on this just because of her personality and who she is and I honestly don’t know if she just doesn’t care if she genuinely does not want to hear about my past. I apologize for the novel, I have severe anxiety and I feel that if I don’t get a second opinion on this, then it will haunt me forever. I guess that we are just so deeply in love that I can’t bear the weight of my soul mate thinking negatively of me. I feel obsessed but I just can’t get the thought of it out of my head

TL;DR: I am Canadian and my British girlfriend says that she “doesn’t need to know about my past”. Because of her tomboyish, straightforward personality I honestly can’t tell if she simply doesn’t care, or the weird behavior I exhibited in the past (I was abused sexually and mentally) as a result of my childhood trauma is pushing her away.

This is my first post here, I know that the rules stated that I should avoid posting and asking for advice about what the other person is thinking, but I guess I am more looking for advice into what others would do in my situation. I don't ever think that our relationship could really be ruined, however things like this sort of leave holes in my chest that need to be filled.

If you actually made it to the end here I thank you, I know there is a lot. I appreciate any and all advice that I can get, i'm also a very open-minded person and I'm open to constructive criticism if anyone has any. This whole thing just sort of makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry.

[Elzah]

Hello and welcome !
I read everything and what comes out from you text, to me, is that you put you girlfriend on a pedestal. It's natural, you're in love, but you seem to put a lot of pressure on yourself to be sure that she genuinely likes you. If she didn't, she wouldn't be with you, even less in a LDR, which demands more efforts than "regular" relationships.

About your problem, have you let her know how you felt about her saying that she "doesn't need to know about your past" ? I think you should tell her that it upset you if you didn't. Expose her you doubts, still letting her know that you're aware she didn't mean to hurt you, and that you don't blame her, but that it's been bothering you a lot. It's never good to keep this kind of feelings for yourself.

What's more, I think that if she really loves you (and you told yourself that you were both deeply in love), what you did in the past doesn't matter to her, since she loves you for the person you are and not for the person you used to be, and that's maybe what she tried to say.
Also, she may think that talking about your past and what happened to you could bring back bad and painful memories, maybe she just wants to prevent you from thinking about this tough time, maybe she simply doesn't want you to feel bad reminding it.

Although, if it's important for you to talk about this part of your life with her, you should let her know. I think she'll understand, and will listen to you.

In my opinion, you don't need to worry about her being pushed away by what you did in the past, if she loves you, she doesn't care. As you described her, she sounds like a very honest person , if she told you that your past wouldn't make her think negatively about you, it's most likely the truth.

I hope this helped
Have a nice day

[kittyxuchiha11]

I'm with Elzah on this one, someone sating they don't need to know your past isn't a bad thing, in fact it shows she has an understanding of how the past could be painful for you to talk about (with the abuse and such) yes knowing about each other is good but you really don't need to know every detail of our partners past. for some people that feels too private and she might feel that way that what she knows now is fine, she wouldn't really mind knowing if you did tell her but she doesn't feel the desire to know.

Also something that i thought of while reading this is how did you word it when you asked her if she wanted to know about your past? because i immediately thought of what if she interpenetrated that as you wanted to know if she wanted to knwo about your past relationships and partners and such. With the sort of person I am I'd be happy hearing about that, but i know some of my friends even don't like to hear about past relationships because it makes them feel insecure and such.

Honestly though, to get the right answer to this you need to talk to her. My bet is she didn't mean it how you're thinking it at all, like she just said she didn't need to know meaning she wasn't really bothered if you tell her or not because she's happy with the information she knows about you now. I've been with my SO for six months and still everyday I learn random facts about her past when they just randomly come up in conversation, we've never actually sat down and talked about our past because it doesn't really feel important like I'll find out things when i find out things and if i really have something that's bothering me I'll just ask her.

Anyway, best of luck with this and try not to overthink the whole situation

[erwin1973]

Hi and welcome, indeed.

What's more, I think that if she really loves you (and you told yourself that you were both deeply in love), what you did in the past doesn't matter to her, since she loves you for the person you are and not for the person you used to be, and that's maybe what she tried to say.

That is exactly what I was thinking of.

In my opinion, you are overthinking things a little bit (very much). Of course, an LDR is difficult and the long times of being not together and the time difference doesn't make it easier. Just look at her actions - actions say so much more than words. If everything she does towards you speaks of love, then she loves you.

Further more, you say she is not someone who needs all the details. That, in combination with the things you have told her, are - I guess - for her enough to satisfy any curiosity. In other words, she knows enough about you and may be she doesn't want to force you to tell more, to tell things you don't want to say, or to get hurt by talking about memories that are so painful (I know, from my own experience).

Be strong. And did you think of finding professional help? I did and although it took me some time, it really helped and helps me. I've been through about the same as you (talking about abuse) and yes, it is possible to live a reasonably normal life after that.

My lady knows about that and she felt sorry for me. We don't talk about it any more, but I assured her that I would do anything I can to be a good man for her and our daughter. So far, I am doing good, she says.