Stressing Behaviour - Advice needed

[IvoryGrapefruit]

Hi! I'm new here and I have never written a forum post ever so I'm sorry if I do something wrong. I just feel like I need some advice.

I have a wonderful ldr boyfriend and we've been together for almost 8 months now but lately we've been having a tough time. Well, more like I.

Sometimes I find him quite hard to deal with, especially when we have arguments. It is like there are two different people in him, one is this totally sweet boy I fell in love with but the other one is... mean. He scares me. He makes me cry. Often when something doesn't go his way he starts screaming, calling me names like b*tch and he basically spits these words out. I would understand it if I had done something very bad but mostly it's just things like he wants a call with me but I have no time (we do spend a lot of time together, on that day we had 4 or 5 hours of video calls, just sometimes I can't talk at nights) or he is just feeling bad because of other things.

I would like to support him but I get too scared to say anything. He's always been a bit hot-headed but in the last two months we are at the point where he calls me very rude things 1 to 3 times a week and later he mostly apologises but only for screaming and never for the things he calls me.

When he is not angry he is the sweetest person ever and he told me today that the reason why he often gets mad is that I don't believe his compliments or repeat his own words to him. It's very hard for me to have his opinion constantly changing and I feel I don't trust him as much as I used to anymore.

We had talks about this and he's always shattered when he notices he hurt me but he usually continues to be mean and demanding as soon as I do something wrong.

I know he loves me and I don't want to break up with him. It would be great if someone could give me some advice because I really don't know what I do wrong anymore and if I am actually just overdramatizing the situation.

[Msmith]

Hi darl,

First things first, it seems clear to me that you have identified the the behaviour that is upsetting you, such as the name calling, and the shouting. These things do happen in relationships at times, during periods of strain and so on, and being LDR is a period of strain of course. But the reality is, if your relationship is LDR then that has to become your normal relationship, not strain. You have to set limits and boundaries. Trust is a huge issue and if that already being broken with the constant mood changes that he is showing then it's going to take a lot of work, on his end(!!!) to rebuild that trust. now do you trust that he will change his ways and respect you enough not to call you names and shout?
The way youre talking sounds almost like you think this is youre fault, but it doesnt sound like it is. Have confidence in yourself, especially if you don't want to break up with him, then you have to have the self-respect to 'tell him off.'
It's easy for me to say: 'it's time to end the relationship', because it's really not that easy, but talk to him and let him know that his behaviour is unacceptable in a healthy relationship. Set yourself a time limit and let him know, if things don't change by then, then it might never change? In this way it's an ultimatum (kinda?) that's setting positive goals, instead of just criticising.

[paperplane]

You do not do anything wrong. Under NO circumstances should a partner resort to name calling and yelling on a regular basis.


"Mostly it's just things like he wants a call with me but I have no time (we do spend a lot of time together, on that day we had 4 or 5 hours of video calls"
If you don't fit into his schedule, or if he cannot control where you are for long chunks of time, he verbally abuses you. (yes, this "spitting" names at you is verbal abuse)

"When he is not angry he is the sweetest person ever...he's always shattered when he notices he hurt me but he usually continues to be mean and demanding as soon as I do something wrong."
Once he has broken you down, then he switches to his "sweet" self and builds you back up. Not having time to talk to him sometimes is NOT doing something wrong. He should have changed his approach the first time you told him that his behavior was hurting you.

" I really don't know what I do wrong anymore and if I am actually just overdramatizing the situation."
He has done this often enough that you don't even trust your own judgement anymore.

This worries me. Please google narcissistic personality disorder and see if it fits your SO. If it does, thank your lucky stars its a LDR and cut contact.

[Harlequin]

Girl, run. He's abusive and nothing good will come from this relationship. You love him and you don't want to break up, but you need to love yourself more and realize there's no winning by staying with him. No one worth staying with would treat you like this. It's not your fault, ever, that he blows up as he does and treats you so viciously. You are not the source of his abusive behavior--HE is. If he hasn't stopped treating you poorly now, he's never going to.
You're worth more than this, and your best bet is to leave him and cut all contact.

[snow]

There is not much you can do. If he doesn't see anything wrong with calling you names, then he will never stop calling you names and being mean to you.

A person who is mean and makes you cry on purpose is not a person you want to associate with.

The only way my husband and I call each other names is in good fun - as in when he scares me and I yell "YOU ASSHOLE!" or he makes up a song to make me laugh singing "You're a mean one, Mr. Bitch" to the tune of You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
But he would not call me a name out of anger.

So, I agree with Harlequin. Run.

[IvoryGrapefruit]

Thank you all for your replies, it is really nice to hear that it isn't all my fault. I wouldn't consider him abusive, he is the sweetest boy I know as long as he is happy with everything.
Right now he is very sweet again, even sweeter than normally and it already scares me a little bit.
Today we had a quarrel again because I didn't feel comfortable doing something for him even though I promised him before. That was mostly my fault though and he handled it very well, only used few swearwords while yelling and he didn't direct them to me only but generalized it (all girls are...). Makes it easier.
He really seems to be more careful now and he says we should just forget everything.
I am not sure if I can do that but I will try. I still worry about some things like him telling me to be quiet and just do whatever he wants. He does that sometimes and it is scary because it doesn't feel right but that's just because I don't know how to deal with it.
Well, he says he believes in us so I should try to
Thank you all again for your advice, sometimes it really just helps to talk it all out.

[kittyxuchiha11]

This honestly just makes me more worried. I understand you love this guy but he is showing some really big red flags here. It's really hard to recognise red flags in a relationship because you love the person but honestly trust us on this, this doesn't seem normal.

I wouldn't consider him abusive, he is the sweetest boy I know as long as he is happy with everything.

This right here is the number one thing you hear from people who have abusive partners. I had an SO a couple of years ago who would treat me horribly and then be nice again if i did exactly as she said. At the time i thought it was normal and just was a bit cautious to stay on her good side. it wasn't until i was out of the relationship and looking back that i realised it was not okay at all what she was doing.

For example: if she wanted to go on a night out with her friends and she was supposed to be doing something with me and I got upset about it, she'd go off on one being really nasty to be and saying i was clingy and too dependent on her. But if the situation was reversed she'd kick off then as well saying that i had no respect for her and all my friends hated me anyway so why should i go out with them when i was better being with her. She made it so i could never say or do the right thing and then blamed me when she went off the handle and lost it.

Anger issues is one thing, but if he blames you and shouts at you over stupid things then he honestly has a lot of issues to work on. Also, the him telling you to be quiet thing should not be taken lightly either. unless it's as a joke or in a context where it isn't him being degrading to you then it's just that, he's degrading you as a person and saying he should have the right to speak over you/you shouldn't be heard which is really really wrong.

I personally would get out of there and save myself the heartbreak when he does something which goes too far.

[erwin1973]

Thank you all for your replies, it is really nice to hear that it isn't all my fault. I wouldn't consider him abusive, he is the sweetest boy I know as long as he is happy with everything.
Right now he is very sweet again, even sweeter than normally and it already scares me a little bit.
Today we had a quarrel again because I didn't feel comfortable doing something for him even though I promised him before. That was mostly my fault though and he handled it very well, only used few swearwords while yelling and he didn't direct them to me only but generalized it (all girls are...). Makes it easier.
He really seems to be more careful now and he says we should just forget everything.
I am not sure if I can do that but I will try. I still worry about some things like him telling me to be quiet and just do whatever he wants. He does that sometimes and it is scary because it doesn't feel right but that's just because I don't know how to deal with it.
Well, he says he believes in us so I should try to
Thank you all again for your advice, sometimes it really just helps to talk it all out.

Seems like you're in denial about his abusive behaviour. I have been in a simular relationship, where my wife (ex-wife, ex-LDR) was (and still is) emotionally blackmailing me (we have a son together). As long as you do as you're told, he's the sweetest person on earth, but when you don't... ohoh...

I have only one advice for you: RUN as fast as you can. You state you even worry now when he is sweet to you. That is the worst sign there is in any relationship.

I know you're young, but please take this advice of a man who has been over 10 years in an abusive relationship: the longer you're in, the more grip he will get on you and the more difficult it is to get out.

You say "I'm happy it's not all my fault." I would say that it is not your fault at all - but it will be when you decide to stay with him. Because then you let him abuse you. It sounds hard and harsh, but that is how it is, sadly. Again: I've been there and done that.

Run, girl, run.

[AnnaCh]

There is no way I can sugarcoat the harsh truth about this current situation you are in.. This man is treating you with disrespect, especially how he controls how you behave by yelling and calling you cruel names. I know you are terrified of him. I have been there before but it's not worth it. I would kindly advise you to tell your parents about your relationship and you definitely need to get out of there before he does something much worse. Lastly, I would like to offer you a piece of advice I received.. He is not what he appears to be. Please break up with him before he breaks you. <3 Stay strong my sweet girl.

[paperplane]

Thank you all for your replies, it is really nice to hear that it isn't all my fault. I wouldn't consider him abusive, he is the sweetest boy I know as long as he is happy with everything.
Right now he is very sweet again, even sweeter than normally and it already scares me a little bit.
Today we had a quarrel again because I didn't feel comfortable doing something for him even though I promised him before. That was mostly my fault though and he handled it very well, only used few swearwords while yelling and he didn't direct them to me only but generalized it (all girls are...). Makes it easier.
He really seems to be more careful now and he says we should just forget everything.
I am not sure if I can do that but I will try. I still worry about some things like him telling me to be quiet and just do whatever he wants. He does that sometimes and it is scary because it doesn't feel right but that's just because I don't know how to deal with it.
Well, he says he believes in us so I should try to
Thank you all again for your advice, sometimes it really just helps to talk it all out.

This reads like a troll post because it is just so textbook abuse victim. Please please be a troll.

In case this is a real human in this relationship,

It doesn't feel right because it isn't right. Your gut is telling you what you don't want to hear. If you listen to it now, it will serve you so well in the future. Please read back what you wrote and pretend it's someone you care about. Would you really tell them to stay?

[snow]

Thank you all for your replies, it is really nice to hear that it isn't all my fault. I wouldn't consider him abusive, he is the sweetest boy I know as long as he is happy with everything.
Right now he is very sweet again, even sweeter than normally and it already scares me a little bit.
Today we had a quarrel again because I didn't feel comfortable doing something for him even though I promised him before. That was mostly my fault though and he handled it very well, only used few swearwords while yelling and he didn't direct them to me only but generalized it (all girls are...). Makes it easier.
He really seems to be more careful now and he says we should just forget everything.
I am not sure if I can do that but I will try. I still worry about some things like him telling me to be quiet and just do whatever he wants. He does that sometimes and it is scary because it doesn't feel right but that's just because I don't know how to deal with it.
Well, he says he believes in us so I should try to
Thank you all again for your advice, sometimes it really just helps to talk it all out.

Let's go through this bit by bit.

So you had a fight again because you didn't want to do something he wanted you to and you promised, but now you didn't feel comfortable. And then he yelled at you and only used a FEW swearwords while yelling and saying all girls are whatever it is?

That is not any better. That is horrible. In this case, there is black and white, no gray area. A few curse words are a few too many!!
DO NOT ACCEPT HIM TO CURSE AT YOU, EVER!!

[IvoryGrapefruit]

I'm sorry to write in here again. I'm pretty sure I will take your advice if he continues like this. Thank you very much, it's good to hear other experiences.

After a lot of name-calling and shouting last evening and today until noon he is back to sweet again and he has been really patient with me so far and even apologised for making me cry (even though he still thinks everything else is my fault and he insists he was right but doesn't want to hear anything about it anymore now). He even looked for something for us to watch. I consider that as a good sign.

I will see how it all turns out, after all I also did many things wrong in our relationship. I will take your advice if it gets bad in the next week or two but for now I can't bear to break up with him. Even talks about it cause him pain. I don't want him to feel bad.

I don't know if I should write in here again. I hope I didn't annoy anyone, it was just very hard to keep it all to myself. Thank you all.

[erwin1973]

I'm pretty sure I will take your advice if he continues like this.

I am pretty sure it will continue to be like that... He will not change and unless you break up - as all of us told you - you give him carte blanche to call you names, humiliate you, and do with you what he wants.

But if you keep thinking you are to blame for everything, then I advice you to stay in the relationship and let him abuse you more.
THe only thing you do wrong, is NOT BREAKING UP WITH HIM.

So you don't want him to feel bad? And what about yourself? DOn't you deserve to be happy?

This kind of people ALWAYS think it's the fault of someone else. My son's mother (my ex-wife) is exactly like that. Been there, done that. Believe me, girl. RUN. DOn't wait two weeks, it's wasted time.

[Allurial]

You teach people the way you want to be treated and until this point not once have you really stood up for yourself and demanded being treated better. Do you have low self-esteem to the point where you would allow this to happen to you? Because hun let me tell you - you do deserve better. No man or woman should EVER curse at their lover like that, it's totally unacceptable especially over such minor things as missing a call after talking for 4-5 hours earlier in the day. I echo what everyone else has said - RUN and don't look back.

[paperplane]

I'm sorry to write in here again. I'm pretty sure I will take your advice if he continues like this. Thank you very much, it's good to hear other experiences.

After a lot of name-calling and shouting last evening and today until noon he is back to sweet again and he has been really patient with me so far and even apologised for making me cry (even though he still thinks everything else is my fault and he insists he was right but doesn't want to hear anything about it anymore now). He even looked for something for us to watch. I consider that as a good sign.

I will see how it all turns out, after all I also did many things wrong in our relationship. I will take your advice if it gets bad in the next week or two but for now I can't bear to break up with him. Even talks about it cause him pain. I don't want him to feel bad.

I don't know if I should write in here again. I hope I didn't annoy anyone, it was just very hard to keep it all to myself. Thank you all.

There is no need to apologize for writing in here, you belong here just like everyone else .

No one here is annoyed, I think everyone is just really worried for you because we can see how sweet you are, and how you seem so worried about hurting your guy...yet he continues to turn around and treat you so badly. You're 16, you have so much life ahead of you, and a real chance to meet someone who treats you well ALL the time, who listens to you when you raise concerns, and who never, ever yells at you or makes you feel bad for just taking up space, making you feel like you're doing things "wrong". You shouldn't always feel like you're on thin ice around your boyfriend. You should feel safe. You need to realize that you deserve so much more. This isn't the last guy you are going to love, and someone else will love you so much better.

Please post as much as you need.