selfish or acceptable act?

[Happy_Girl]

I dont feel comfortable to have any sexual related activity when my SO and i are in long distance. Does that make me selfish? He would do anything and everything for me but whenever it comes to this stuff i feel kinda stressed and always want to avoid it. We talked about this and it doesnt come into any solutions. I totally understand he has needs.

We are in long distance most of the time.

[kittyxuchiha11]

You are definitely not selfish for not wanting to do anything, it is completely up to you and you shouldn't feel bad about it. When talking to your SO about this you should probably establish some things to make it easier to understand for both of you. When you're in the mood, what do you do about it? watch/read porn, or just use your imagination and masturbate, or do nothing at all? ask him the same questions and you'll both have a better understanding of each other. He may have needs, but taking care of his needs on his own should be enough. My SO is asexual and goes between feeling okay about sex to sex repulsed and obviously there's nothing i can do about it and if she isn't feeling good about sex i don't bring it up. intimacy is very important in a relationship and there are lots of ways to be intimate without having sexual talks.

Basically, talk to him about what I've said above and see if you can make him understand how uncomfortable you are with it

[lelyta]

I assume when you said sexual related activity you meant it's something more about sexting and such?

As a person who also comes from a country when sex is very taboo and ashamed to talk to, I think I can really understand why you can feel so pressured and uncomfortable. I don't know how you've talked about it with your SO, but in general (at least in my experience) it's something you can both compromise... So yeah, you're not either selfish nor it's an acceptable act if you feel pressured to do it too.

You already understand that he has needs for it. How about try to find something you can be comfortable enough to do with him without really ditching out his needs. If you feel pressured and stressed, tell him that in an assertive way. Tell him things you like to do, maybe you find something you both can enjoy in the middle.

My SO once sent me a very racy message in the middle of the day when he's at work (later that I know he'd been overworked and really wanted an affection). I told him to be more gentle and he's okay and said sorry about it. Since then, he always asks nicely and more gentle when it comes about sexual related activity when we're in ldr, it works for both of us... SO yeah it can work for you too...

[Rezie]

Are we talking bout sexting and skypesex? Masturbating? Sex with other people? No sex during your meetups? I need a bit more info before responding.

[IvoryGrapefruit]

I am pretty much in a similar situation and I know how hard it can be. Just know that you shouldn't feel like you have to do something you don't want to. I know, it sounds easier than it is.

Maybe you could try imagining your first time (if you didn't have it yet) together or something similar. It can be a very sweet thing to do and make you feel closer. If you are ready for that, of course.

[Happy_Girl]

@kittyxuchiha11 @lelyta @IvoryGrapefruit i actually dont have the mood when he's not here together. i told him im not comfortable doing anything sexual through phone/laptop. but he thinks it's a need we both need. and i used to be quite conservative talking about this but i got more opened by the time we got together. He thinks its been quite some time(together for 3 years now) and since he's the one i show i should feel comfortable.

@Rezie more of skypesex and sexting. we are fine when we are together

[erwin1973]

Don't do what you don't want to do...

He is not the one to decide what you need. You are the one to decided what you do and don't need. If he is persistant, and keeps pushing you, then I think you need a good talk with him about that.

In my eyes it's quite disrespectful of him to push you into that while you said you don't want.

[paperplane]

The same rules that apply in "real life" sexual situations apply to Skype and phone sex. You don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with, but it's important to listen to your partners needs. Is it that he wants to feel closer to you, or does he just want to have sex, etc. I think talk to him about it and see if you can both find a way to meet his needs without compromising your values.

[Rezie]

you don't have to agree to anything you are not comfortable with. Skypesex is still sex (and something another person can record/pictures be shared..so in my opinion even more intimate) and no one should be pressured into it. Is there a compromise that you both are comfortable with? Such as suggestive written messages without pictures and not being too explicit ? him masturbating while you watch?

if you are not comfortable with sexting/skypesex then you shouldn't do it. Don't agree to anything you are uncomfortable with. it's like any sex. you need to have a good talk and explain that concent applies to this aswell. In the world of free porn, he is able to satisfy his needs on his own.

[lelyta]

Yes I think this shouldn't be something you feel stressed about. If you're uncomfortable then tell him you are. If you feel pushed tell him... If you feel forced also tell him that.... At this point of relationship (3 years for an ldr is big!) it wouldn't be more problem to do that type communication. When was last time you met each other? Do you feel okay if he takes care himself without your much involvement? (such as watching porn?).

I don't suggest you to do something risky like skypesex (when it can be recorded and leaked) or naked pictures when you have your face in it. God knows if what might happen to those in the future...