Rekindle relationship between SO and parents?

[Wynn22]

Hi everyone. This post is going to be long and personal. Mainly me getting out some feelings, but some advice or encouragement would be nice. I [19F] and my SO [20M] have been dating for over a year now. I'm very happy in my relationship, even if it is a LDR. Back in late September/early October, I met my SO in person and stayed with him at a hotel without my parents knowing. My parents did find out after a day and forced him out of the state and kept me at home instead of my dorm at college. They took away my means of communicating with him (cellphone) and kept a close eye on me to make sure I wasn't talking to him. They had me call him on the phone and say that we're breaking up and he can never see me again. They also read pretty much all of my messages we had, a lot of which were personal to my SO that he only wanted me to know. I understand that what I did was wrong. I should have been honest about being in a relationship to them from the start. But I did have to undergo a lot of emotional strain for several months after that, since they kept bringing it up and saying hurtful things about me and my SO. It got so bad at one point, my dad suggested kicking me out to go live with my SO and learn a lesson by becoming a fat mom with five kids or something along those lines. To be honest, I think all of that has resulted in me to being more susceptible to being depressed and anxious, eventually leading me to have several sessions with a therapist on campus, and made my first year of college a time I want to forget. Also, I now just feel somewhat distant from my parents, even if things are now "back to normal", though maybe I'm the only one who feels that way. Just, I feel I can't be 100% myself anymore with them. This rough treatment from them was basically because I was still with him and talking to him when they didn't want me to, so I was just "defying them" as my mom said. It's just in my belief that this is my relationship and I cherish it. If it were to end, it would be on my and my SO's terms.

A couple months ago, around late January, I was back in my dorm. Normally I go home on the weekends, but this time I wanted to try going with a new acquaintance to the mall over the weekend. My mom called me that night and demanded to know if I was maybe planning a secret weekend getaway with my SO or whatever. Obviously not, but I got really fired up about it and spilled all of the negative feelings that had been building up for the past few months. This upset my mother and she retorted back angrily (more about defiance and whatnot). The call ended with her going to pull the funds out of my college education. I felt very scared then and heartbroken. I thought that would be the last straw between my parents and I. I was considering maybe moving away to be with my SO, since his family is just fine with me staying with them. After a few days, my dad called me and asked me what I wanted. I told him truthfully that I wanted to be with both my family and SO, that I don't want to lose either. He said that now that I was almost 19, I should start making my own decisions and learn from it. I accepted.

Now currently, we're at a point where things are almost at a stalemate. While things feel pretty normal at home and my relationship with my parents has calmed down since, I'm not sure if there is still tension with my SO and them. They know I'm still dating him and that I talk to him, but they haven't said anything about my relationship for a couple months. They don't like each other, but my SO wants to restart and try having a good relationship with them, mainly for my sake. He's asked me to give them a letter he wrote that's asking for a second chance. I told him I would give it to them, because honestly I do want to meet my SO again but I also want my parents' approval. I'm just scared. I think I was quite traumatized by what happened months ago, and I don't want to restart the nasty fighting and harsh feelings by bringing up my relationship. Part of me wants things to change for the better, but another part is scared that it will change for the worse. I just wish I could gain some courage and hand the letter to my parents, be more adamant about my relationship. Unfortunately, I lack that courage.

[paperplane]

You are correct that your relationship is on your and your SOs terms. You are a legal adult.

However, I also understand that until you are financially independent from your parents, you are somewhat bound to keep them in good favor if they’re going to hold that over your head. Maybe they are just afraid that you’re going to get sidetracked from studying toward your future career. So if you show them that you are very much focused on that, with good grades, being proactive about internships, etc, they might come around. You're in college- for a lot of money- to ultimately get a degree and become financially stable. That is the number 1 priority for 4(?) years. Respect that.

I'm not sure what happened in their pasts, but sometimes the things parents say are reflective of what they are most afraid will happen to you. My mom once yelled at me that I was going to be "knocked up and trapped in a miserable life" when I told her I was moving to be with my SO. She was expressing her fear, poorly, she's never handled that well. I took it to mean she didn't believe in me at all and it hurt so much. So I totally understand how you feel. All I ever wanted was my parents approval- but one things that's awesome to realize is that your parents have their own ideas of what they want for you, but as a fully formed human, you're going to start wanting and doing things that differ from that idea. It's something you're all going to have to get used to.

Ultimately, I think you should bring all of this to your therapist. They can give you techniques to help you cope with your parents reaction, good or bad. In the coming years, your relationship with your parents is going to shift from child-adult to adult-adult, and this is where all sorts of personal issues can come up. I think it’s important through all of this to have someone you can go to to talk with in person who can help you navigate this in a way that causes the least amount of suffering for everyone.

[Wynn22]

Thank you so much for responding. My parents have mentioned that being with my SO would get in the way of my studies, thought I've always been caught up with my schoolwork and will complete my first year with a ~3.5 GPA. I've also been eager about doing internships during the coming summers and I'll actually be doing one at a relative's business this summer. I have a scholarship that pays a little less than half of my tuition each year, while my dad's GI Bill pays for the rest of it. I've applied for another scholarship, so maybe I'll get it, we'll see. I have an older cousin who's staying in my house at the moment and knows about what has happened. I might try confiding in him as well. Thanks again for your advice

[paperplane]

Thank you so much for responding. My parents have mentioned that being with my SO would get in the way of my studies, thought I've always been caught up with my schoolwork and will complete my first year with a ~3.5 GPA. I've also been eager about doing internships during the coming summers and I'll actually be doing one at a relative's business this summer. I have a scholarship that pays a little less than half of my tuition each year, while my dad's GI Bill pays for the rest of it. I've applied for another scholarship, so maybe I'll get it, we'll see. I have an older cousin who's staying in my house at the moment and knows about what has happened. I might try confiding in him as well. Thanks again for your advice

Well it sounds like you're quite focused and working hard, that is awesome! I hope your parents come around soon!