"Right now, all is well." That is the mantra I've been telling myself a lot lately.
Things are going great right now. We call every couple of nights, we message during the day. It's still, even in this LDR stage, the most at ease I've felt in a relationship. So naturally my brain likes to sabotage the shit out of it.
In the silence right after a call...you know, that moment where they're just -poof- gone again, I have two choices.
I can worry myself sick about things that, right now, I have no control over. I can pick apart every detail from every conversation and look for warning signs that he might be a secret narcissist, an addict, a cheater. I can lie in bed and really wallow in the resentment of sleeping alone. I can count the minutes between messages and slight daily inconsistencies and wonder if he lost interest and spiral until he sends me an innocent heart face, immediately making me feel like an idiot. I can worry about the fact that we don't have a visit planned and can't in the foreseeable future. I can look at buzzfeed articles that tell me that this dooms the relationship. I can freak out and wonder if I should demand something more. I can make up a dream future for us and then despair at how far away it all feels.
Or, I can look at the tangible. I can take a deep breath- several. I can feel the air loosen my chest and drop my shoulders. I can step away from the spiraling thoughts and focus on the feeling of my bed under me, the hot tea in my hands, the warmth of being alive in my torso. I can feel gratitude that our phone calls never feel too long. I can scroll through my phone and see all of the cute messages that affirm his feelings for me. I can close my phone and turn on a yoga video and just focus on my own body as a separate entity and remind myself that right now, is all that we have, and right now, all is well. If I do that again and again, it adds up to a minute, a day, a month where all was well. So that when we do finally have a chance to see eachother, it will be perfect timing.
Things are going great right now. We call every couple of nights, we message during the day. It's still, even in this LDR stage, the most at ease I've felt in a relationship. So naturally my brain likes to sabotage the shit out of it.
In the silence right after a call...you know, that moment where they're just -poof- gone again, I have two choices.
I can worry myself sick about things that, right now, I have no control over. I can pick apart every detail from every conversation and look for warning signs that he might be a secret narcissist, an addict, a cheater. I can lie in bed and really wallow in the resentment of sleeping alone. I can count the minutes between messages and slight daily inconsistencies and wonder if he lost interest and spiral until he sends me an innocent heart face, immediately making me feel like an idiot. I can worry about the fact that we don't have a visit planned and can't in the foreseeable future. I can look at buzzfeed articles that tell me that this dooms the relationship. I can freak out and wonder if I should demand something more. I can make up a dream future for us and then despair at how far away it all feels.
Or, I can look at the tangible. I can take a deep breath- several. I can feel the air loosen my chest and drop my shoulders. I can step away from the spiraling thoughts and focus on the feeling of my bed under me, the hot tea in my hands, the warmth of being alive in my torso. I can feel gratitude that our phone calls never feel too long. I can scroll through my phone and see all of the cute messages that affirm his feelings for me. I can close my phone and turn on a yoga video and just focus on my own body as a separate entity and remind myself that right now, is all that we have, and right now, all is well. If I do that again and again, it adds up to a minute, a day, a month where all was well. So that when we do finally have a chance to see eachother, it will be perfect timing.
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