This is a little bit of a sidebar to my First Visit thread, but it's can be a standalone as well. I didn't want to inflate my other post with all of this, so I decided to create a separate one.
To understand where things are now, and where things may or may not go, you'll need a little bit of a backstory.
Both of our backgrounds are remarkably alike. Not beat for beat details, necessarily, but overall we come from a very similar place: both from pretty tight-knit families. Both rather inexperienced in the dating department. Both of us come from smaller communities that lend us to simple sensibilities, I'll say. (Although he has moved to a larger city)
Likewise, we are both blessed with a very lucky parental situation. Both sets of parents are still around and still together. We're both quite family oriented, and both sets of parents seem to be people that place high importance on values. Now, I am not saying their values are necessarily the same. But, whatever their personal values are...they are significant to them. This is both a blessing and a curse. It's good to have family members/parents that you can depend on for morality and guidance and to just be there for you. But, this can also lead to a fair amount of judgement as well, especially when your values don't quite sync up.
Here is an example: his parents aren't too strict on the idea of pre-marital sex, but they would really prefer he be in a pretty serious relationship and do that with someone he truly cares about. My parents, however, pre-marital sex is a big no-no. So, both sets of parents wouldn't be real happy about the weekend we had together, for different reasons, but ultimately ending up at the same result of not approving of the situation.
So, as we continue to get to know each other- I like him, he likes me- this is very good. I think we've both sort of agreed that we'e probably not ready to be officially exclusive to each other yet, especially because of the distance, until we spend a little more time together. If we were in the same community, and could see each other a bit more frequently, we very likely would have been able to move to the exclusive stage of things at a quicker pace. But, we want to make sure it's right for us.
Where this becomes an issue is...I don't really want to tell people about him, friends, coworkers, especially family...until I know things are very much serious. I don't want to prepare people for something and have it blow up in my face a week later. So, it has to be pretty solid. Neither of us have ever dated anyone serious enough to inform the parents, so since this is something 30-35 years in the making...it feels like it has been built up for so long that if I tell my parents about a guy...it may not have to be THE One, but it probably needs to be a pretty significant other...not just some guy. Not that he is just some guy to me, but technically, by definition's sake, he's just some guy.
He has told his cousin about me. What he has told, I don't know, that's between them. I feel like that's a good thing for us in general, but it's also great for him that he has a person in his real life that knows things and he can confide in. I just don't have that. I mean....I have friends and family of course, that I am quite close to. But...maybe we are almost too close, because everyone in my life would care A LOT. I don't really have anyone who would casually care, but not judge me or the situation at the same time.
And, herein lies the issue. My family knows me well. They know I'm a homebody, and I don't just get up and go, or make random plans to go random places. I am just not that person. It was hard enough to come up with an excuse for our weekend together. But, me going out of town, sometimes a pretty far distance away, if it becomes a regular occurrence, or even if it happens once...they are going to be suspicious. And, it would be easier for me to explain that I am visiting my boyfriend than it would be to explain that I am visiting "just some guy." I mean...there will still be the fact that they will not like that we met online or that it is long distance. And they definitely will be very concerned about the sleeping arrangements when I visit. BUT... boyfriend would make it a little more palatable.
So, here is the vicious circle I find myself in. We need to spend more time together to decide what we want to be/if and when we'd like to get serious. But, it's difficult for me to justify the visits that we would need to spend said time together, on someone I am not serious with. I need it to be pretty serious to make those visits make sense, but we need those visits in order the decide we want to be serious. Soooooo....
To understand where things are now, and where things may or may not go, you'll need a little bit of a backstory.
Both of our backgrounds are remarkably alike. Not beat for beat details, necessarily, but overall we come from a very similar place: both from pretty tight-knit families. Both rather inexperienced in the dating department. Both of us come from smaller communities that lend us to simple sensibilities, I'll say. (Although he has moved to a larger city)
Likewise, we are both blessed with a very lucky parental situation. Both sets of parents are still around and still together. We're both quite family oriented, and both sets of parents seem to be people that place high importance on values. Now, I am not saying their values are necessarily the same. But, whatever their personal values are...they are significant to them. This is both a blessing and a curse. It's good to have family members/parents that you can depend on for morality and guidance and to just be there for you. But, this can also lead to a fair amount of judgement as well, especially when your values don't quite sync up.
Here is an example: his parents aren't too strict on the idea of pre-marital sex, but they would really prefer he be in a pretty serious relationship and do that with someone he truly cares about. My parents, however, pre-marital sex is a big no-no. So, both sets of parents wouldn't be real happy about the weekend we had together, for different reasons, but ultimately ending up at the same result of not approving of the situation.
So, as we continue to get to know each other- I like him, he likes me- this is very good. I think we've both sort of agreed that we'e probably not ready to be officially exclusive to each other yet, especially because of the distance, until we spend a little more time together. If we were in the same community, and could see each other a bit more frequently, we very likely would have been able to move to the exclusive stage of things at a quicker pace. But, we want to make sure it's right for us.
Where this becomes an issue is...I don't really want to tell people about him, friends, coworkers, especially family...until I know things are very much serious. I don't want to prepare people for something and have it blow up in my face a week later. So, it has to be pretty solid. Neither of us have ever dated anyone serious enough to inform the parents, so since this is something 30-35 years in the making...it feels like it has been built up for so long that if I tell my parents about a guy...it may not have to be THE One, but it probably needs to be a pretty significant other...not just some guy. Not that he is just some guy to me, but technically, by definition's sake, he's just some guy.
He has told his cousin about me. What he has told, I don't know, that's between them. I feel like that's a good thing for us in general, but it's also great for him that he has a person in his real life that knows things and he can confide in. I just don't have that. I mean....I have friends and family of course, that I am quite close to. But...maybe we are almost too close, because everyone in my life would care A LOT. I don't really have anyone who would casually care, but not judge me or the situation at the same time.
And, herein lies the issue. My family knows me well. They know I'm a homebody, and I don't just get up and go, or make random plans to go random places. I am just not that person. It was hard enough to come up with an excuse for our weekend together. But, me going out of town, sometimes a pretty far distance away, if it becomes a regular occurrence, or even if it happens once...they are going to be suspicious. And, it would be easier for me to explain that I am visiting my boyfriend than it would be to explain that I am visiting "just some guy." I mean...there will still be the fact that they will not like that we met online or that it is long distance. And they definitely will be very concerned about the sleeping arrangements when I visit. BUT... boyfriend would make it a little more palatable.
So, here is the vicious circle I find myself in. We need to spend more time together to decide what we want to be/if and when we'd like to get serious. But, it's difficult for me to justify the visits that we would need to spend said time together, on someone I am not serious with. I need it to be pretty serious to make those visits make sense, but we need those visits in order the decide we want to be serious. Soooooo....
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