My proposal was a disaster and I need help!

[Shauny]

Hi all! So I proposed to my SO back in September last year, however it didn't go to plan and I completely screwed it up. Suffice to say, it has decimated our relationship and although we're both ready to begin the K-1 visa, we can't decide if we're still engaged or not (because the proposal was so bad) and I feel my best option is to perspone the process, and propose again.

Now for details, the plan was to get a Mariachi on the beach as my SO is Latina. However there was a mix up, as after the hurricanes they had to reallocate all their clients' orders. That night, when we were suppose to have the Mariachi, I broke down in tears. I was driving, she was asking me what's wrong, what's wrong, and I said I need to pull over. I pulled over in an empty parking lot and proposed to her in the car, without getting down on a knee or anything. Little did I know there was a McDonald's right behind us too.
She didn't know what was going on, it was totally unexpected. She started to cry and she kissed me. She was really happy in the moment. It was only after that she had a think about it and she started to get upset about it.
Apparently, she had a row with her ex in that parking lot once or something, and wasn't too happy about the McDonald's either. I confessed what my original plan was and she was annoyed that I didn't just proceed to the beach without the Mariachi. We've lied to all about our proposal, telling everyone it was on the beach, but the truth hurts both of us. She suggested we call it off and I agreed, but I haven't told anyone. The next time I went to see her was in December. The proposal, along with the passing of my nanna meant there was constant distraught and argument. It was horrible.
After she called the proposal off, i thought she'd let the whole thing pass, or at least be a little less emotional about it, but she remembers everything like it was yesterday and it makes her so upset all the time. She says the one day she's always dreamed of was ruined, and I feel so guilty about that.
To this day, she is still mad at me and complains about it a few times a weeks, and honestly her anger and sadness towards me has lowered my trust of her, as I fear she'll break up.
I've been trying to suggest that I propose again, but it's complicated. She doesn't want the same ring used, or at least changed, as she can't bear to see it as it reminds her of that day (the ring has 3 sapphires, but she'd like one to be a diamond, I'll post a picture).
I've suggested I propose without a ring and we choose a ring together, which she's ok with, but I'm so stuck on how to propose. She doesn't want a beach proposal, nor does she want to be in a place that's public, but if I propose without a ring, the proposal has to be a bit more out there for it to be taken seriously. Honestly, I have no idea. We've argued, I've called her materialist, but I can't deny she's worth so much more than a parking lot proposal.

[Shauny]

[Littlewhiteflower]

It's normal to be disappointed but she does not react with maturity to all this. She should be happy that you decided to propose. Period. That she brings up all the time how sad it is just make me think she is not ready to be married. It is just a proposal. Not the wedding itself.

My proposal was a bit disappointing in the sense that I told my SO a thousand times "Do NOT propose in my bedroom" and that is what he did. I laugh about it more than I was upset. Yes every girls dream of that moment as something magical but she really seems to make a big deal out of it for no reason.

And for the ring, honestly, I'd just tell her that you chose it for her and that you can both buy the wedding rings together. I would not buy her another one especially since she reacts quite with immaturity to all this thing.

I think you should wait to get married or propose again. It sounds like she won't be happy, no matter how much you try...

[MushuChicken]

Alright, so as a woman, I can't blame or fault your love's reaction of feeling like a very special moment was tarnished and wanting to create a new memory. I think most people would say if you are with the one you love, any location and any moment can be the right one, but realistically, we all know that's not always the case. I do think it's a bit over the top to be talking about it several times a week. That is a bit much. At some point, you just have to build a bridge, you know?

I am not one for those huge public proposals or elaborate over the top gestures. For me, I'd prefer something more private and intimate. That said, I think in your case, the only way to completely erase this memory for her is to create the greatest day or her life, a memory SO amazing, it will make her completely forget what came before. So, I do think it will have to be a bit over the top and huge to do that for her. Watch videos online of proposals...things like all day scavenger hunts. Surprise trips away. Something just hugely amazing.

It will be difficult to surprise her if she is constantly fishing for it or complaining about the last one, so you may have to just have a talk with her and say, "Honey, I want to be able to surprise you one day with a real proposal, but it's hard to do when you are always talking about it." or something to that effect.

[Redheart14]

My fiancé chose our ring together I knew it was a given we'd get engaged. He's not one for big displays of affection. We had a gorgeous day out and on the way home he said "we have to go back to the car as he forgot something , (we had dropped one car off and were taking mine back). I told him it was okay, we'll get it next time. He said "You're ring is in the car". So I turned the car around so fast and later that night he proposed. Ok, it wasn't the most elaborate proposal but we laugh at it when we tell people. It's was funny and real but that's life. I'm thankful he proposed and don't hold it against him. People's reactions to the proposal are always going to be there regardless but you got engaged for the two of you, not to impress people with the proposal story. Having to buy another ring is such a great expense too.

[Rezie]

Sorry to hear this. No, proposal didn't go according to plan, but it should be a nice memory for you two not a story to tell everyone else. I can understand being upset since there was a plan in place that didn't go through and a McD parking lot and ex etc. but her reaction is over the top and lasted way too long (I think this makes a better story, actually). engagement is an agreement to get married. The ring is just fluff around it.

I have to ask this. are you sure you want to get married to someone so immature at this moment? new ring? out there proposal since there is no ring? it's not like something insane happened or that you are giving an ex wife's ring or something. It's been 6 months, she broke off the engagement and still brings it up. will a new ring really fix everything?

if you plan on proposing. i would say that have a nice dinner, go for a walk in the park and propose at sunset or something simple. or go on a hike to somewhere pretty. i would say simple is often the best. proposal doesn't have to be a suprise, you can ask her what she wants. Also she can take the reigns and propose to you. how about she gets the same ring and once married she wears her wedding band.

[dglynn77]

I’m sorry, but this seems ridiculous to me. And I’m sorry to you for having to deal with this.
Did I as a woman want an awesome proposal? Yes. But it wasn’t necessary. I just wanted to marry that man so darn much that he could have proposed in the middle of a garbage dump, or sitting on the couch watching a movie, or in a crappy fast food restaurant, and I still would’ve said yes and meant it.

What I’m getting from your story is this: you’re both troubled by the proposal. You felt TERROBLE it wasn’t going to be the proposal you planned, but still love her and wanted to propose. You did put in time and effort, and it is not your fault it fell through.

What’s crazy to me is that this has caused you both to be un-engaged. How is that even an option? I can see re-doing the proposal if you want to find a way that you’d both like to tell others about, but for it to put a relationship in such drama and jeopardy is just so bizarre.

[RWhiz]

Run don't walk from this one!

[5518MilesApart]

I'm sorry, but I'll have to disagree.

I'll be taking this in the cultural context.
She's a Latina from Florida, I'm sure she's been fed the American narrative of "Diamonds are Forever"
and there is a heavy emphasis on romanticism, both from the horrible Hollywood ideal of dream weddings and proposals, and traditional Latino viewpoints on weddings.

There has to be a sense of maturity to move on from such silly ideals, some experience involved, or knowing that it's all about the love you two have for one another.

Sadly, I guess it was a mistake. The lot having a bad memory already there is a huge psychological thing, but things happen.
If you want and can without much economical strife, change the ring and do it again.

There does have to be a talk about her mood though, it's difficult but she should be a bit more lenient on you about the whole fiasco.
Communicate to one another, and if she can't get over it well.. then yeah, she would be showing immaturity.

[QueenReginaMills]

While I can see why she's upset about being proposed to somewhere she had an argument with her ex...it sounds like you didn't know that, had no reason to know that, and she can't expect you to act on information you didn't know in the first place. And the Mariachi thing was beyond your control.

For me, I wouldn't really want a proposal involving a hot air balloon with a banner, because the fact that my ex proposed to the woman he cheated on me with in that way was shared with me in unnecessary excessive detail (don't ask). This is something I haven't ever mentioned to my current SO. I don't think a proposal is gonna happen any time soon, but if he proposed to me in that manner, knowing nothing about the ex, then I would take into account that he didn't know, and not react in that way.

It's like Rezie said, it's about the marriage. It's not even about the wedding day, never mind the proposal.

[TaraMarie]

Don't marry her. It will only get worse. The wedding won't be good enough. The house you buy won't be good enough. Your job won't be good enough. Nothing will EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.

[MorgenSter]

Oh I had written a text here, but got disconnected and it's gone. I'll try again.

I can sympathize with both of you. I recently got engaged to my SO and I know how your girlfriend feels. My fiance is Finnish and has always looked at this from a very practical point of view. While mine has always been romantic and dreamy. You (and her) need to see this is a multicultural relationship and we both bring not only our past and history with us but a whole cultural background. And that most times is very very different.

I was with my ex for 8 years and even though I didn't want to marry him, he used to tell me many times that I wasn't worth it, I wasn't worth marrying. I didn't think I believed it, but when I started to date my LDR SO, these feeling came up. I was scared I wasn't worth it. I know it's crazy. To him, it was just practical. And as we knew each other for almost 11 years, I knew he never wanted to marry and that those things were not important to him. To him "it doesn't change how I feel", you know? I was doing my best to hold my feelings and I did quite well. I recognized his background and his love for me. And it was all that mattered. We were going to be married because there wasn't another way and I was kind of bumped because I dreamed of a proposal. Little did I know he had been thinking about it too. And during an amazing trip, he proposed. With a ring! I couldn't have been more surprised. And it was in one of those "not romantic" kind of scenarios, but it was just perfect. It wasn't about the proposal. It was about us, about our moment, memory, our future. My maturity had always been helping me see from his point of view and respect it. And he felt the same way.

From all her background and dreams and expectations, this was a very special moment for her. She wanted a story, romance and she loves you. But you are naturally feeling insecure because deep down it doesn't feel like she rejected your proposal, but that this way she rejected your love for her. That's why you are scared of proposing again and getting it "wrong". You should talk openly to her about how it makes you feel. She probably feels guilty for acting out this way sometimes, but she is as of then thinking only about her feelings and not totally considering yours. She might have not thought that this is a big moment and very special for you too (for the male part of the equation). Many women don't... because it's "for them", "about them", the guy is proposing to them.. But you need to talk to her and make her see that when she says these things and acts this way, it is unintentionally making you feel she rejects your love, when i'm sure she really doesn't.

When you have that, you will be able to make the most of the special private moment between you two. And you will be feeling secure and loved (and that's the whole point). And it will make a whole lot of difference when she understand that this is very very special and important for you too.
(It's not as good as my first attempt at answering... but... I hope it helps)