Does it have to end?

[M+T]

Hi this is my first post! Im usually not the kind of person who posts anything at all but im having such a rough time and just need to communicate it to people who might understand. Im with my girlfriend for over 1.5 years now, shes canadian who works now for a while in the uk and im german. We met in new zealand without knowing what would happen to us but we just fell in love. She made me happier than ever despite the distance and she was happy too! We saw eachother as often as possible and for a longer period at a time! Now that she moved to the uk i thought itd get all easier but she really gets homesick and just told me yesterday that she cant move here with me which was our plan and just talked about it not too long ago. But she needs her family! I have no chance jobwise to move to canada or even afford living there with her cause all my study and work experience doesnt count in canada. Seems were breaking up now and im just so heartbroken and devastated and dont know what to do long distance can be beautiful but also so cruel! Im afraif to lose her

[Redheart14]

Hi and welcome.
Sorry to hear what you've been going through. Do you know for certain that you've actually broken up? Long distance is very hard, no doubt about it. Missing family is a big thing. My fiancé misses his family a lot, it's natural to miss them. Maybe your SO was feeling down or very homesick when she made that comment. Maybe after getting back home for a bit things will feel better. I guess she's extra lonely, not having you or her family close by. You can still make it work if you both want to. Moving plans change and it can be achievable. I was meant to move to my fiancé but circumstances meant we had to change plan for him to move here. It can be done, if you are both willing to make it work. There's also a member here who will be moving to Canada if you need to chat to someone about how to go about it. I guess give her some time and allow her to get through her home sickness before approaching the subject of moving again.

[M+T]

Hi thanks for answering and your nice words! She had struggled before and we did manage it after, she really wants to live with me and i want the same! But this seemed final. We still gonna see eachother in 3 weeks as planned earlier to talk things up and probably end things as good as possible. I want to change her mind so bad but on the other hand i wouldnt want her to be here with me unhappy! Her happiness is most important! I know im good for her but this country probably wont be. It sucks so much! I wanna fight for her but i feel helpless. Shes gonna move back to canada beginning next year so i dont see how it can still be fixed this time as much as i want her in my life

[Rezie]

There is a massive difference between the thought of moving somewhere, actually moving somewhere and moving somewhere potentially forever. Sometimes the reality hits and it's not what you thought and you start to thik about everything you are missing out on. My boyfriend was suppose to move to my homecountry. When the time became nearer I noticed him pulling away. When the time came he admited tha he doesn't want to move. He thought he was fine with all the changes, but when the actual time came he didn't want to. It is ok to change your mind. Actually, knowing limitations for a fact makes things easier. Love doesn't always win everything. We went on to have a really tough year together with a lot of talking, not talking, crying, anxiety since it felt like there was no hope. Now we live together as a short term solution and we have t re approach the subject now that we are 2 years older and wiser.

There is a possibility that the end of the year she has changed her mind. Living abroad has very frustrating points when things work differently and there are low moments. COuld be one of those. Just be supportive and try to understand. Don't put blame on her and push anything. Life in 6 months can seem totally different.

We all have our limits when it comes to moving. Sometimes it requires more work like going to school, re-educating ourselves or changing work firelds completely. You say you can't move to Canada because your experience doesn't count. Could you go to school to make you more employable? This is not the nicest message, but the important thing is to know your limitaitons. What are yours? What are you willing to do for you to be together? She then should think about her limitaitons and then you see if closing the distance is possible. Such as is she willing to move within canada, are you willing to re-educate yourself, is she willing to live in germany for a few years till you get things in order, are you willing to go to UK etc. These are just guiding questions.

[M+T]

Hi thank you so much for this! Me going to school again would take 3-4 years for a proper education and its sadly a matter of money there. She is in debt already and i wont be able to earn much so we could live together. We would both struggle with this instability. And she is very certain now that she cant do germany, there are sadly our limits! I dont know if in a few years our mindsets might change and i truly wish it would. We had many plans in life but it seems that while we managed the distance, closing the gap is becoming impossible

Im still hoping and not ready to accept and im feeling öike crap! She was the best thing that ever happened to me and long distance with her made me so happy despite all the struggles. Im gonna have her always in my heart and in good memory! Im just so scared to let her go i really love her. She was exactly the girl that worked for me and i could trust completely! Im so thankful for her.

Im not blaming her for anything and understand that she needs her family. Im proud of her for telling me the truth! I hope you two are gonna make it work! If you have the chance to and manage then you will have something truly special and im happy for you as much as i want it for myself too

[Rezie]

I know this wasn't actually your question and I don't know you or your circumstances. But if money is the only thing keeping you from moving to canada (tuition fees) then that is mangable. You can go to school in germany and postbone the closing the distance etc. If you have a diploma and work experience that means that you are very likely going to get into university in the UK and get a degree in a year. You would be entitled to the german government grant and the tuition fees are not horrible. This way you'd be out of school in a year and maybe she would be willgn to compromsie and stay in the UK for a year or you'll be apart for one more year before visas (which will be pain in the ass). My point is not to give you any education advice and I don't want you to comment if this is possible for you since you are an adult and know what you are doing. I'm just trying to say that if you are willing to relocate and the only thing holding back is employability then there are ways around it and some of them need creativity.

In the 5 years on LDR I learned how we are good at making excuses when it comes down to making big decisions. That's why I'm going after the limitaitons. It took me a long time to realise mine and kept making excuses for a long time. Yea, money is a problem and an absolute necessity but i think it is managable with time. Sure it might take longer, but if the willingness to work towards it is there, it is then possible and worth it.

P.S. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know I'm sounding harsh, but I'm actually pretty friendly I just know when this isue get prolonged it causes a lot more anxiety and problems to a person and to the relationship so trying to really make you think!

[M+T]

Hi thanks for answering and it didnt spund harsh just honest (which sometimes is even harder to ear). Im working as a german tax advisor which wont be any good anywhere else. Thf money is not even the big issue i know it sounded that way but its not! Its the whole situation.. i studied and worked hard to get where i am and gonna take over my dads business. My girlfriend doesnt want me to resent it giving that up. I wouldnt even know what to study and what to work? From what i know is that to work in canads i need to be more suited for the jon than any other canadian which means mostly jobs in health care and technical jobs would work which i couldnt do either, im just not that guy. Then i need work experience which i dont have. Then the thing that most jobs in canada have only 10 days off a year which is not gonna work with me seeing my family and we both have the passion of travelling. I wanna live with her and i could live in canada but i would need a stable job that would provide for us and enough to see my family. And it has to be a job i could somehow enjoy otherwise that wouldnt end happily. Bo one can guarantee me that this could work. And she doesnt even want me to give up my dream. If i had more time i might get used to the idea and find a proper job but i dont seem to get time anymore I think we‘re both super scared to leave eachother but also to drag the other into something that wont make us happy. Im sorry if this all sound like an excuse again and it might be but thats how we feel right now. Im completely overwhelmed with this situation and dont know what to do, if i even can do anything to make us both happy. It just all happened so fast and out of the blue now which i know is not good to end like that but she wants to be realistic and i do see her point I just dont like it at all

[Rezie]

This is what I was trying to go for, now you are being honest. Your limitations is that you want to be in Germany and you would be willing to go to Canada if their benefits were better and you want to do a specific jobs. I don't blame you at all and I am the same. So is my partner. Hence the problem. Unfortunately at this moment you want different things and your limitations don't add up. And that is ok. I don't really have more advice other than I really understand you. it's not easy but being honest about yourself and your partner does make the process easier days you are not cheating on yourself.

[M+T]

I guess its true we want different things in life! Thats why we‘re at this point where we dont see an option of closing even though we were so happy just a few days ago. It came so fast that our different ideas collided on one day and the next its all over? Im just having a hard time to believe thats it.. im afraid that we regret this one day! We‘re both not naturally happy people we have problems and issues but together we worked as a team and this gave us so much joy but continuing long distance with an expiry date? Does that even makes sense or does it just shift the problem to the near future? Hoping that everything works out in the end, that one or the other sees another option? I‘d be down for that cause i dont wanna think realistically in this, i wanna be happy with her as long as possible. But can that be healthy? I met the most beautiful girl and were just perfect together but we dont see a way out and i think thats the hardest sort of breakup whats my question? I dont know i guess i just need to process and this here is a part of that and your responses actually help! But if you have a wonderful advice that makes everything alright go for it :P sadly thats not how it works though

[RWhiz]

Breaking up while you're still in love is a tough situation. It seems like you both want to be together, but with stipulations. Realistically all relationships are that way, but if being in Canada for her family, and you not giving up your career combine to be more important than the relationship. I don't see a way out of it, I wish you the best, if you break up, she'll always occupy a wonderful part of you, and if you decide to work it out to be together there will be nothing really that would test your relationship as this.

I wish you both the best.

[M+T]

Thank you! We for sure gonna carry eachother in our hearts and will never forget this time. We were good for eachother and helped eachother grow and overcome anxieties. I still cant accept that its over its gonna take a long time for me and i hope one day neither one of us will regret that but find happiness other ways as hard as it is to believe now. Maybe one day another door opens. Im always gonna love her and shes always gonna be my favorite hooman and i would be there for her if she needs me no matter what.

[Carlo&Jade]

In my opinion if you really love each other you have to wait a find a solution during the time, even the years.
But to understand it, you have to talk seriously about your future, if you really want to live together. If you want, you will do.

[M+T]

Trust me i think the same way actually. But realistically we cant just hope and pray that one day we live together, it doesnt fall from heaven but needs work and planning. I wanna make this work, find a different job opportunity to live with her but i cant think of one now and she doesnt want to wait for a wonder so we will be even more heartbroken in a year or so. If i had more time to plan everything and get used to the idea but this all came so abrupt. And yes in a couple years she might even change her mind about moving. But how can we hope for that? She made a decision and i think shes struggling a lot but wouldnt allow her to take a step back. Her mental health is most important though and i have to accept that! She used to be in depression and i dont wanna put any more pressure on her now. I thought i could be the one that can back her up when shes down but its her family and her home and i gotta accept that. Not that im ready for this

[Carlo&Jade]

I told you, the only problem is to understand how much you love and you care for each other.
I will go live together with my girlfriend, I mean she will come here next year.

If you want something you can do, depends of what you two want together. If is just a love story, you are right, will suffer but will end (maybe still friends, maybe get back in the future..) but if "the" love story, you will find a way.

[M+T]

Sorry but i have to disagree! We love each prher with our hearts and its not just a love story. In our situation its not love that is the problem but our characters. If what you are is opposed to what you want you have a problem no matter how serious your love is. I need stability and security in my life, im not the person who can just quit everything and jump into the blue and taking whatever comes at you. I wish i was, i have the biggest respect for those people and envy them. She is very dependant on her family, and not wanting to leave her family does her make not love me? I dont think so. Its just not that easy. In addition we both suffer from anxieties which doesnt make it easier. Im so happy for you and that you make it work. I always thought we would too but atm our beliefs, characteristics and fears are in the way as much as we wanna be together. But you can be really proud of yourself for making it work together, its a big thing!