September Visit: Some Questions for You

[Lunar Snow]

Hello! It feels like a long time (though it hasn't been really). My SO went home after his "surprise" visit to me a few days ago. I hope to do a blog entry (or maybe another thread, depending on how I feel about it at the time) to talk more in-depth about the visit. Right now, I have finally been called-out for that on-call work, so it has been a shock to my system being used to very late nights, but now having to wake up pretty early with little sleep--so I will try to just talk about a few things here tonight (still not enough work, but it is good to be occupied and making some money).

I know that this may sound like I am over-analysing, but I am really sensitive to the issue of him not being ready to actually say "I love you" yet...though, most actions show he does. There were some moments I was just bursting to say that I love him again--they were romantic, peaceful, and it would have been meaningful to say. I also thought that he might have had some good moments there that he could have expressed how he felt, but didn't. Finally, I was particularly longing to remind him that I love him when he was leaving, but I held back so as not to pressure him or make our goodbye awkward/ lead to hurt feelings (and had similar reasons for holding off for the entirety of the visit). I felt kind of stifled in my expressions, though. When he had a lay-over between flights, he texted me and told me something sweet and that he would be getting on his next flight soon. I just couldn't wait any longer and I said it in as neutral a way as I could; "I miss you, love" and he later responded "I miss you too, love." I know this is texting and a really simple interaction with what we said, but my heart began to beat stronger when he used the word "love," as he is very careful about using that word in any conversation. The practical side of my brain had to come and stomp on that and say that he was just returning the affection casually and that it wasn't likely to mean "I love you, too." What do you think he meant? Should I try and make myself feel more comfortable in the relationship by finding some way to verbally express my love for him (without being too pointed...I guess)? Sometimes I do have to take the lead in this relationship, in matters of the heart big and small, so I also wonder that even if he is ready to say it to me, that I might have to take the lead again by saying it--do you think this is the case or that it would still be best to hold my breath and wait for him to say it?

This is an odd follow-up, but the second thing on my mind for the forum is that we seem not to be expressing our sadness at being parted as much this time. I know we are both feeling it and I was absolutely miserable and crying the night before he left. Luckily, I had work the morning he left and have continued to have work and have been...exhausted. He has also been right back at school and work and is very tired. In other words, we have been distracted. It isn't necessarily a bad thing that we both aren't skulking in the depths of misery (and, especially being that I have had problems with sadness lately), but some part of me feels concerned (not the exact word I want) that we might be sweeping that sadness and a right to an expression of loss under the carpet and it will bubble out worse at a later date. Do you think I should try to be digging out those feelings associated with separation from him (it's not like I feel nothing, of course, it's just that I have put a sort of block there so I can function) and allow myself some time to feel sad about it or is it best to continue to try and distract myself?

[lisaar910]

Maybe he's having the same conflict about the "I love you" thing as you are. I've found that anytime I worry about things like that, my SO is also doing the same, and when we finally vocalize whatever it is, we're both so relieved. This is completely your call because you know your relationship better than anyone else, but I would consider telling him how you feel.

I'm the worst offender of sweeping my sad feelings under the rug. Sometimes they sneak out when I least expect, but there are times when I have to put on a happy face and keep trucking through life. I would try not to block your feelings as much as possible because I'm sure they will come out in some form eventually, but I do understand the need to be able to function. He's probably doing the exact same thing you are as well.

[Darth_Taco]

I'm just gonna tell you what Enrique and I did at first. He would tell me he loved me, I wouldn't say it back. I just wasn't comfortable doing it, and he understood. My issues with it were different though, I don't even say it to family :P. Eventually I got more comfortable and said it back. Now, we kinda have to since we're far away XP. When we're together though, we have other ways of expressing it so we'll leave it to like once at night right before going to sleep because fuck it. Might as well say it once a day at least. Anyway, you'd have to talk to him and see what he's comfortable with. Some people don't want to be told those words if they won't return it, and I'm not sure you'd be comfortable saying it without hearing it back. Just don't forget, he's showing it.

As for the sadness thing, I don't know. Enrique and I have done this crap so often we really don't get depressed anymore. We get bummed then play hours of Pokemon. We're the only freaks on this forum who are actually having an easier time with leaving :P. No tears last time finally :'D! Still sucked though ;_;! We've yet to have it really get to us at a later time. Then again we see each other between once a month and once every two months so no time for that crap to pop up really :P. So I guess I should shut up since I have no advice to offer here XP.

[Andy]

Has he been in love before?

With me and Tanja she told me she was falling in love with me when I didn't feel the same. Looking back it took longer then I thought it did before I really loved her back, although it's a bit different to your situation as we hadn't met.

How long has it been since you told him you loved him?

I'd want to say more now but I'd rather wait until I know a bit more rather than jumping in too early.

[Lunar Snow]

Has he been in love before?

With me and Tanja she told me she was falling in love with me when I didn't feel the same. Looking back it took longer then I thought it did before I really loved her back, although it's a bit different to your situation as we hadn't met.

How long has it been since you told him you loved him?

I'd want to say more now but I'd rather wait until I know a bit more rather than jumping in too early.

I'll answer these questions in an order that is a bit different.

I told him I loved him when I visited him in mid-July. There's another thread out there about what happened in-depth (and might be quite informative), but basically I thought that he was ready to say it and it turned out that he wasn't (I have never told anyone that I was in love with them first and it was quite a leap of faith). I would never want to rush him, but it turned out to lead to quite a bit of hurt feelings on both sides (and sort of a rock and a hard place situation, where he thought that we needed more time together for him to feel that way, rather than what he felt which was sharing a "strong bond" and caring about me a lot. However, I also got the sense that he would need to feel more for us to bridge the distance). It's been very troubling for me because I had actually felt like that for a long time before I could say it to him and really made sure it wasn't just a feeling of infatuation. As well, knowing that he doesn't feel the same has really crept into my mind and makes me pull back a bit or put up a wall with affection, sexual intimacy, and a positive attitude that we can defeat the distance sometimes (it's never as a punishment for him, rather it's a protection mechanism for myself...but it isn't the healthiest thing not to express myself or to think positively as much as I would like).

About a week or so after my visit with him, what had happened was still really on my mind and I really was sinking to a dark place stewing about it, so I brought up the reason behind it and we talked more about his past (which he often keeps locked up tight). He was in love once, only. I don't know who she was or exactly how long ago (I'm guessing more than a few years ago, because he has been dating and having only semi-serious girlfriends before me), but she was a very good friend. When he confessed to her, I guess she rebuffed him and the friendship was destroyed with them being snarky to each other and hurt. They both wound up in therapy for it and I remember at the beginning of our relationship that he did make wounded references to it (but never about love, per say). As much as it hurt me to say, I offered that we should break up if he felt like that was still an avenue that wasn't pursued in his life or needed healing, but he has said numerous times that he wants to be with me and that that situation was in the past and that he has no desire to renew any sort of relationship with her (she lives in a neighbouring town). On further thought, too, he said that it wasn't really love, but that he was "in love with the idea of her."

Since then, things have really healed in some ways and we have become closer and closer. Plus, he does these tremendous acts that I can't really see as saying anything else, but "I love you." Still, I am feeling squelched because my "I love you" is on the tip of my tongue and I feel like I can never say it. I know I can't rush things and I do love him very much, but I must be honest that I fear he will never say it and...if that is the case, then I wonder why we are together.

Andy--I really appreciate you speaking to this. It's helpful to have a man's opinion, because I even feel sad that he does not feel the same. It makes me think that his experience must be something so inferior. However, you seem to indicate that there is hope for his feelings to progress.

[Andy]

I'll answer your post in a slightly different order too

Andy--I really appreciate you speaking to this. It's helpful to have a man's opinion, because I even feel sad that he does not feel the same. It makes me think that his experience must be something so inferior. However, you seem to indicate that there is hope for his feelings to progress.

No worries, I feel like it's something I can relate to on his part to some extent so I hope this post will be of some use

Obviously I don't know him, or what he's thinking or indeed you as a couple, so I'd just want to say firstly that this is how I see it from what you've written. I'd hate to think I'm giving you false hope with what I'm about to say, but from what you've said so far I certainly believe there's hope for his feelings to progress as you put it.

And just quickly on your inferior experience comment, you shouldn't think like that. It sounds like this has an awful lot to do with the rejection he had to deal with, which is understandable.

It's been very troubling for me because I had actually felt like that for a long time before I could say it to him and really made sure it wasn't just a feeling of infatuation. As well, knowing that he doesn't feel the same has really crept into my mind and makes me pull back a bit or put up a wall with affection, sexual intimacy, and a positive attitude that we can defeat the distance sometimes (it's never as a punishment for him, rather it's a protection mechanism for myself...but it isn't the healthiest thing not to express myself or to think positively as much as I would like).

I think you're right in what you say there. I can understand why you'd hold back and put up a wall with all those things in fear of appearing too pushy for example, but on the other hand if you are withholding your feelings from him somewhat, then maybe this is "slowing down" his feelings for you so to speak.

I'm not saying you should throw yourself at him and he'll instantly fall in love with you, but how about telling him that you've been holding back, and saying that you don't want to because you love him. You could explain that this isn't you being pushy or rushing things, but you just want to express your feelings for him. It sounds like you've been very controlled and restrained with showing him exactly how you feel towards him so he wouldn't feel pressured, and I think that's incredibly thoughtful of you, but if you explain all this and say that you're not expecting him to flick a switch and start "being in love" with you, would he feel more comfortable with that?

My point is that if he can see how much you mean to him, and how important he is to you, then I think that is a big part of the reason why he won't "allow himself to be in love with you" yet. It seems to me that he's being extra-careful about letting his guard down when it comes to love, or at least admitting that what he feels is love.

I told him I loved him when I visited him in mid-July. There's another thread out there about what happened in-depth (and might be quite informative), but basically I thought that he was ready to say it and it turned out that he wasn't (I have never told anyone that I was in love with them first and it was quite a leap of faith). I would never want to rush him, but it turned out to lead to quite a bit of hurt feelings on both sides (and sort of a rock and a hard place situation, where he thought that we needed more time together for him to feel that way, rather than what he felt which was sharing a "strong bond" and caring about me a lot. However, I also got the sense that he would need to feel more for us to bridge the distance).

I think you're right, and I can't blame him, it's a big commitment. I see you've been together for 6 months, is that how long you've known each other too?

About a week or so after my visit with him, what had happened was still really on my mind and I really was sinking to a dark place stewing about it, so I brought up the reason behind it and we talked more about his past (which he often keeps locked up tight). He was in love once, only. I don't know who she was or exactly how long ago (I'm guessing more than a few years ago, because he has been dating and having only semi-serious girlfriends before me), but she was a very good friend. When he confessed to her, I guess she rebuffed him and the friendship was destroyed with them being snarky to each other and hurt. They both wound up in therapy for it and I remember at the beginning of our relationship that he did make wounded references to it (but never about love, per say). As much as it hurt me to say, I offered that we should break up if he felt like that was still an avenue that wasn't pursued in his life or needed healing, but he has said numerous times that he wants to be with me and that that situation was in the past and that he has no desire to renew any sort of relationship with her (she lives in a neighbouring town). On further thought, too, he said that it wasn't really love, but that he was "in love with the idea of her."

I think this explains a lot. He was clearly very hurt indeed by her and it seems to me that he's being very careful about letting you in because of this, which is completely understandable.

I find the "in love with the idea of her" quote rather odd if I'm honest. I don't want to put words in the guy's mouth but I would strongly suspect that he was in love with her. I'm not sure why he wouldn't want to admit that though...

Is there any chance of him talking to you about what happened in detail? It seems like a very sensitive issue for him though, and I'm sure you'd know how much you can talk about that sort of thing with him without upsetting him but it does sound like this is a big reason why he's so reluctant to use the L word.

Since then, things have really healed in some ways and we have become closer and closer. Plus, he does these tremendous acts that I can't really see as saying anything else, but "I love you." Still, I am feeling squelched because my "I love you" is on the tip of my tongue and I feel like I can never say it. I know I can't rush things and I do love him very much, but I must be honest that I fear he will never say it and...if that is the case, then I wonder why we are together.

As you say here, he acts very much like he loves you, and as the saying goes: actions speak louder than words. In my opinion, he either does already love you or certainly has the "capability" if you will from what I can see. I'm sure this is what you wanted to hear lol, but I repeat what I said about giving you false hope earlier, although I think there's little need for that warning given what you've said in this thread already. I hope others agree

I'm sure they will

I know this is hard, but could you imagine him doing the things you mention for you if he didn't love you, and it was just a special bond, as you put it? Or could you imagine him doing those kind of things for anyone else he has a strong friendship with?

I think my advice would be to talk to him about the points I mentioned if that's possible: you putting up a wall, his rejection from his friend. Do you think he would be happy talking openly and honestly to you about his feelings on those matters?

If you believe the answer is yes then go for it.

I agree with you when you say it's not healthy for you to hold back so much with your feelings though. If I compare this to my own situation, if Tanja hadn't have been open and honest with me about her feelings for me then I'm not sure we'd be together now. Or if we were, it would've taken an awful lot longer than it did.

I don't think Tanja held back too much with the "I love you's" and at times it did feel a little pressuring, like I should be feeling that way too so to speak, but looking back I think this was more confusion on my part. It had all happened so very fast and she was still in a relationship, living in a foreign country, over 1200 miles away, not to mention having a daughter!

Knowing how I've felt since then, and how I feel now, I don't think I did love her when I told her I did if I'm being honest with myself. But I posted a comment in our story thread about this, saying "I like to think of that day as when the seed of her love was planted in my heart, and it's grown every day ever since," which I think is a nice way to put it

But back then I did think I loved her, and I probably did, but I wasn't in love with her as I might have thought. In hindsight I can say that took quite a bit more time. I'd say I was i love with her when we became official, which was 3½ months before we met in person for the first time, yet the way I felt after our first meeting was a hell of a lot stronger, as you can imagine. And I've felt "jumps" like that in my feelings for her on several occasions so it's a tricky one to pin down

But this isn't to say that she "pressured" me into loving her, not at all. But it certainly moved things on a bit. I certainly think you should talk to him about not holding back on your feelings so much, and see if he wouldn't be uncomfortable with that, which I'm sure he wouldn't with you having explained everything. Then see how things go on from there

I would give a word of warning here if he is ok with it, just to say don't go overboard with the whole showing affection, saying I love you thing, but given how you've held back so far I hardly think that's needed

I'm sorry this has turned into a monster post! I hope I haven't missed anything and that you can take something from it

Good luck!