Part time long distance

[Jess4117]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this because I'm not exactly in the typical long distance relationship. I guess our relationship is part time long distance. My boyfriend is a marine engineer and works on a ship for about 6 weeks (sometimes longer) and then is home for about 6 weeks.

When he is gone we are only able to talk on the phone or video chat maybe once or twice a trip if he is at the dock and has a strong enough signal. We communicate a lot through texting but sometimes the signal is spotty and the messages don't go through right so it can take hours to get a response. And there are usually 3-4 day long periods of time when he has no cell service or internet signal and we have absolutely zero communication. But even when the signal is perfect, it can be difficult to have long conversations just through text messages

We have been dating for a year and a quarter and I feel like I should be used to it now but it never gets any easier. I miss him SO much when he is gone. I feel like we are being cheated out of time together.

We are moving in together at the end of the summer, when he gets back home. And we are talking about getting married. I would love to spend the rest of my life with him and start a family. But when I think of our future together I think about how I'll be alone half the time, I'll basically be a part time single mom, we won't be able to make plans in advance because his schedule is so unpredictable, all the holidays and birthdays he'll miss, and all the moments we will miss out on together. And I don't know if I can do it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and could give me any advice or tips?

None of my friends understand, they just say "he'll be home before you know it" which isn't really helpful, so I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.

[autumn1790]

Do you know for sure that his schedule will always be like this, or is it possible to transfer to a more 9-5 position?

[Rezie]

I have no personal experience but my aunt is/was in this type of marriage (they are both retired now). My uncle worked at sea for about 12 weeks at a time and then home for 12 weeks all through their marriage. They've been married 30+ years and have 3 kids. My aunt had help her mom when needed and generally built a social life outside of my uncle.

I feel like this is a personality thing. It works wonderfully for some people and even might be the optimum situation. But it doesn't work at all for some. Is this his forever career plan? Does he enjoy the situation as it is? How does he feel about it? Does he worry about kids and missing on things? How unpredictable his job is? Is he on call all the time?

[Harlequin]

I'm also currently part-time long distance, but for military reasons. It sucks, plain and simple. My husband was really worried about how our relationship would be before he went off to basic, and I told him that I'd rather have him in my life and deal with deployments every so often, than just not have him in my life at all. We're still doing the normal couple things like trying to start a family, even though we both know there's a good chance he won't be there for the birth or for subsequent birthdays. We'll miss holidays and anniversaries, sure, but we'd rather miss all that stuff together. I can definitely say it was much harder being separated when we also weren't living together. Living together and being married makes it much more bearable, and it gives you a pretty solid foundation for establishing a personal life while he's away. Permanence helps.
I do second Rezie in that personality plays a lot into it, and I second all her questions.

[Outlawkitties]

You can do it!

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this because I'm not exactly in the typical long distance relationship. I guess our relationship is part time long distance. My boyfriend is a marine engineer and works on a ship for about 6 weeks (sometimes longer) and then is home for about 6 weeks.

When he is gone we are only able to talk on the phone or video chat maybe once or twice a trip if he is at the dock and has a strong enough signal. We communicate a lot through texting but sometimes the signal is spotty and the messages don't go through right so it can take hours to get a response. And there are usually 3-4 day long periods of time when he has no cell service or internet signal and we have absolutely zero communication. But even when the signal is perfect, it can be difficult to have long conversations just through text messages

We have been dating for a year and a quarter and I feel like I should be used to it now but it never gets any easier. I miss him SO much when he is gone. I feel like we are being cheated out of time together.

We are moving in together at the end of the summer, when he gets back home. And we are talking about getting married. I would love to spend the rest of my life with him and start a family. But when I think of our future together I think about how I'll be alone half the time, I'll basically be a part time single mom, we won't be able to make plans in advance because his schedule is so unpredictable, all the holidays and birthdays he'll miss, and all the moments we will miss out on together. And I don't know if I can do it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and could give me any advice or tips?

None of my friends understand, they just say "he'll be home before you know it" which isn't really helpful, so I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.

SO, I am new here but was in a marriage with a service member for 18 years. It was hard when he was gone and when he would miss holidays, but when we were together we made up for it. He was going to miss a birthday? We would have a celebration when he got back. Miss a holiday? Have the celebration when he got back. He spent a lot of the time we were married gone, but it wasn't the collapse of our marriage. We raised two girls together, they understood daddy's schedule and would be happy to have a real Christmas and then Daddy's Christmas. They are both grown now (I have adopted children now, so I am doing it all over again). I normalized it for the children and have close personal relationships with my girls. My girls are well adjusted and love their dad. IF you want it to work, it will work even with horrible communication. Your friends who have relationships where a week is such a long time to get along without their SO don't understand what it is like, but they are right. Six weeks is a long time and a schedule like that can be grueling, but you can do it. You just have to accept it for what it is and enjoy the moments you DO have.

BTW, my ex and I broke up after he retired. He was always around but longed to be away. We are still really good friends and we still do holidays together with my current boyfriend even, but he couldn't do together all the time.

[Jess4117]

Do you know for sure that his schedule will always be like this, or is it possible to transfer to a more 9-5 position?

Right now his plan is to continue with this career, so it will always be a similar schedule

I have no personal experience but my aunt is/was in this type of marriage (they are both retired now). My uncle worked at sea for about 12 weeks at a time and then home for 12 weeks all through their marriage. They've been married 30+ years and have 3 kids. My aunt had help her mom when needed and generally built a social life outside of my uncle.

I feel like this is a personality thing. It works wonderfully for some people and even might be the optimum situation. But it doesn't work at all for some. Is this his forever career plan? Does he enjoy the situation as it is? How does he feel about it? Does he worry about kids and missing on things? How unpredictable his job is? Is he on call all the time?

We've discussed the possibility of him changing careers and how difficult it might be for him when we have kids and he has to miss out in things, he plans on continuing with this career for the foreseeable future but says he'll see what happens once we have kids.

I think it is harder on me than on him. He misses me, of course, but he says that he is so used to the back and forth because he's been doing this job for so long.

He isn't on call when he is home. The schedule has been more wonky lately because his counterpart had family issues and had to take extended time off so it was hard to predict when he would come back or have to leave, he was gone for two and a half months over Christmas, but that should normalize now. He has a 6 weeks on/6 weeks of schedule but that fluctuates based on the ships schedule and when it docks, there could be delays caused by weather or mechanical issues. We have a basic idea of when he has to leave or come back but only for the next trip, not far into the future. And usually only have a few days notice of the exact date, which can possibly change at the last minute

I'm also currently part-time long distance, but for military reasons. It sucks, plain and simple. My husband was really worried about how our relationship would be before he went off to basic, and I told him that I'd rather have him in my life and deal with deployments every so often, than just not have him in my life at all. We're still doing the normal couple things like trying to start a family, even though we both know there's a good chance he won't be there for the birth or for subsequent birthdays. We'll miss holidays and anniversaries, sure, but we'd rather miss all that stuff together. I can definitely say it was much harder being separated when we also weren't living together. Living together and being married makes it much more bearable, and it gives you a pretty solid foundation for establishing a personal life while he's away. Permanence helps.
I do second Rezie in that personality plays a lot into it, and I second all her questions.

It really does suck. But I agree, I would rather have some of him than none of him. I'm reall glad to hear that it was easier once you lived together, I was worried that it would be the opposite.

SO, I am new here but was in a marriage with a service member for 18 years. It was hard when he was gone and when he would miss holidays, but when we were together we made up for it. He was going to miss a birthday? We would have a celebration when he got back. Miss a holiday? Have the celebration when he got back. He spent a lot of the time we were married gone, but it wasn't the collapse of our marriage. We raised two girls together, they understood daddy's schedule and would be happy to have a real Christmas and then Daddy's Christmas. They are both grown now (I have adopted children now, so I am doing it all over again). I normalized it for the children and have close personal relationships with my girls. My girls are well adjusted and love their dad. IF you want it to work, it will work even with horrible communication. Your friends who have relationships where a week is such a long time to get along without their SO don't understand what it is like, but they are right. Six weeks is a long time and a schedule like that can be grueling, but you can do it. You just have to accept it for what it is and enjoy the moments you DO have.

BTW, my ex and I broke up after he retired. He was always around but longed to be away. We are still really good friends and we still do holidays together with my current boyfriend even, but he couldn't do together all the time.

Thank you for responding, it is nice to hear how other people in similar situations have handled it. I love the idea of celebrating once he is home.