Update of my chat with my boyfriend

[underthewater]

Hi everyone. I'm supposed to post the update once I get to Hong Kong and talk to my bf in person next month, but we started to talk about it today on Skype so I think I may post an update now and get some perspectives here.

So basically he's saying that he feels he's in a "candy shop" full of Asian women he's attracted to now, but it doesn't mean he loves me less or wants a new relationship.He knows the fact that plenty of HK girls are quite materialistic (sorry to say this, but it's well-known in the Chinese society) and he has no interest to give anything materialistic in return. He doesn't have a target and is not looking for anyone on purpose, he knows that's wrong to "look into" them and he'll feel guilty to do that to me. But there're loads of Asian women walking around him on a daily basis distracting him. He starts to think about the fact that if we're together till the end, he'll be with me and only me, and those intruguing women will have nothing to do with him, and that thought makes him confuse.

Then I told him that I sometimes would wonder if there's a better guy just around the corner, that I believed everyone would think so. But he said "No, that's different, I'm not looking for a better girl, I don't think I will meet someone that's smarter and better than you. Most guys don't get a lot from a relationship (I guess he's talking about his past) but I benefit from the relationship a lot, you give me all kinds of things and feelings that I don't get from anyone else. If I ever thought about those girls, it would be just their body."

And he emphasized that he never cheated or flirted with anyone there or when he's here. He said he didn't even have to bring this issue up but he wanted to discuss with me because it confused him. I don't really feel hurt now as he said he's not looking for a break-up or an "open relationship". I want to figure this out with him so in the future when some girls walk by, he'll feel comfortable and confident enough to stare for a second, and then look away.

[Caitlin2009]

hang on time out here.....i dont wanna burst your bubble or anything but the fact that he keeps bringing that up is a little suspicious to me, anytime someone says that at least in my experiance they have cheated and are trying to butter you up so you dont suspect anything

[squiddie]

This is really starting to get...weird. I'm with Caitlin on this, it sounds like he's trying to soften the blow to be completely honest. Either that or he's trying to figure out some way to get you to say it's ok with you for him to, ah, enjoy the company of the women around him.

[underthewater]

Well...actually it's me who brought it up today. He did bring it up first one Thursday and I emailed him later and today I brought it up. It really bothered me so I brought it up. But I hear you, I will be in Hong Kong in 12 days and we'll have the "real chat".

[Caitlin2009]

well if you brought it up clearly you are having suspicions on it yourself, i dunno i still think he's not being completely honest with you

[Moon]

This whole situation doesn't sound right at all, I'm sorry to say it, but I just don't think this is going to turn out well. I think I read somewhere that you wrote that this is a guy in his 30's, he's behaving like a guy who's about 19! What did the think he'd be surrounded by in Hong Kong, did he think there weren't Asian women there? I'm really, really sorry honey, but I think you're getting played here These are not normal thoughts or conversations if that guy truly loves you. Please be careful here, OK? Listen to your instincts and try not to fall too hard for this guy.

[Karringtyn]

I know you and I have discussed this more in depth so you already know how I feel about it. Wait till you are face to face and get the talk over with. I still hold strong to the fact that he is saying this stuff to keep you at a distance. At 34 he knows what he wants....he is just saying odd stuff.

Hang in there...I know you are truly in love with this man and want it to work. I admire how strong and caring you are. But you already know that.

[paulawriteslove]

I think that you need to talk to him face to face for sure! Best of luck! Hang in there!

[Čternity]

So he's told you that he is in a '"candy shop" full of Asian women he's attracted to now' (who did he thinked lived in HK?). You told him 'that I sometimes would wonder if there's a better guy just around the corner'. I think that you may really believe this though. You need to be honest with yourself.

Personally I think he is 'confused' and 'looking into' as a way of controlling you and keeping you in line while he is away because he knows you could get someone better. He is probably afraid of losing you and rather than stepping up to the plate, he is making you feel bad as a way of keeping you in line. Because its easier to make you feel bad than to grow up himself and act like a man.

He knows you are concerned about being 'left over'. He needs to figure out a way to have you and other women as well because he seems to be having some mid life crisis at 34.

But anyway, so then he says 'If I ever thought about those girls, it would be just their body." What will he say next? that "if I have lots of sex with all these women, it will only make me a better lover for you honey?" or a favorite of mine "but I think of you while I'm sleeping with them"

Just be careful - his 'honesty' feels controlling and like it is meant to make you feel bad and insecure. You want to spend your life with this man. After you marry, is he going to make you feel bad and insecure any time he doesnt get what he wants? Remember past behaviour predicts future behaviour - do the research if you don't believe me.

Is he in this relationship or not? If he is in, both of you need to learn to talk about issues without scoring points off each other and hurting each others feelings. If not, he gets to fool around and he doesnt get you. But he doesn't get both. Little boys want both. Men act with integrity. Bottom lines and boundaries.

[Zephii]

I too get a bad feeling from this and your previous posts, especially considering his age. (I'm not against relationships with age differences, been there, done that, but what is reasonable to expect from a young man is different than a mature one. You know?)
I really feel like he's trying to get your ok to sleep around, even if he says he isn't.

And, I've been there too. Knowing other girls are just a substitute because he can't have you with him doesn't make it hurt any less, and wont stop the suspicions haunting you long after you close the distance.

Combined with your other posts, this just makes me worry for you. Something is very wrong here. *Hugs* I know you love him, and it's not my place to say "leave him" but perhaps having a good think about where this is going, what you want and need in your life, and what you are getting out of this relationship might be in order.

[Tanja]

So basically he's saying that he feels he's in a "candy shop" full of Asian women he's attracted to now, but it doesn't mean he loves me less or wants a new relationship."

"If I ever thought about those girls, it would be just their body."

I agree with Zephii - it's ovbious he's just fishing for your approval to sleep around. The things he keeps saying aren't things that you'd expect to hear from a 34-year-old man. At that age he must know what he wants from life and whether he's serious and committed to you 100%. Right now he isn't and you should think long and hard about where this is going.

Good luck with the face to face talk and I hope it all turns out for the best! Just be careful ♥

[squiddie]

I too get a bad feeling from this and your previous posts, especially considering his age. (I'm not against relationships with age differences, been there, done that, but what is reasonable to expect from a young man is different than a mature one. You know?) I really feel like he's trying to get your ok to sleep around, even if he says he isn't.

I'm with Zephii on this. When you first started telling us about things he was saying and doing, I was under the impression that he was 19 or 20...not 34. While it's not right of a person to say such things at any age, you do sort of expect it from a university-aged boy. Not a man who is heading towards twice that age.

And now I'm curious to know what he actually was like when he was 19-22, and why he feels it was "misspent" and he needs to act that way now. I really do believe you should probably cut this man loose, as much as it pains you to do so.

[Silviar]

Having been through your previous posts and now these ones... well, you already know everyone cares about you and just wants ot make sure that what's going on is best for you. I'm going to add something else.

You've clearly picked up the signals that something is amiss. It's bothered you, niggled at the back of your mind, and you've had a few conversations about it. Just keep your intuition up. If it doesn't feel right, go with your gut. It seems to be working well so far, and love is powerful, but your gut will always look out for you.

I hope you have a great trip, and I hope it brings to reassurance you both need.