Advice on coping with jealousy

[Rob728]

Hello, I wasn’t sure if this qualifies for the adult only section or if it “PG” enough for this section, But I was wondering how do you guys cope with your significant others past sexual history? My bf and I were talking about it and he was telling me about his sexual history, nothing too in detail but how he lost his virginity at quite a young age with a family friend that is much much older, and how he would frequent gay bars where he “wouldn’t have to buy my own drinks because other people always bought me drinks” and he had quite a lot of experiences with random guys and past boyfriends. Now I understand all of this was before he met me. But I still can’t help but feel bad and jealous every time I think of him having intimacy with another guy. Especially one who is almost 10 years older than him. Also he told me he was quite premiscious back then so naturally I told him I was concerned and asked him how does he go from sexual relations all the time to no physical contact and only sexting until we meet. His answer was emotional stimulation means more to him and was all he needs right now until we do meet. I believe him but still cant help but get jealous again...How do you guys cope with this feeling?

[Littlewhiteflower]

Well, I'm a strong believer that what is in the past should remain in the past. People change. They evolve and it does not mean that he is still like that. Moreover, you should not talk of his past sexual experiences with him if you're not willing to hear or deal with the truth.

Are you jealous or insecure he might cheat on you? LDR needs a lot of trust. You cannot make it works without. So, you need to get rid of these insecurities, which can be done by dealing with your own past/issues (therapy can help) and learning to trust your partner (which is something you acquire with time). You cannot maintain an healthy relationship if you deal with jealousy, insecurities, trust issues. They kill romance and love.

[Rob728]

I think you’re absolutely right in that it stems from my insecurities and fear of him cheating on me, I do have full trust in him and I recognize this myself as an irrational fear, I guess it’ll just take time until these feelings go away. Most of it really is just jealousy of those other guys that got to do that stuff with him lol, once I do I’m sure the jealousy will go away

[Littlewhiteflower]

Oh, you have never met before? I can understand it is harder to trust when you have not met yet. I had a LOT of trust issues/insecurities before I met my SO. We got lucky enough to be able to live together a few months in line after that. So, it helped building the trust.

You know... as an insecure/anxious person, I came to understand that if someone has to cheat on you, they will do it, no matter how much you try to avoid them to do it. Trying to control, getting jealous or nourishing negative ideas in your mind will just make it worse for you. While you're putting energy on the negative or what might happen, you don't forcus on the positive.

Trust life. Trust your boyfriend. Bad happens everyday. If you get hurt, you will learn from it as every challenges teach us something. Plus, if only it happens, it will show you that this man wasn't worth it and that a better one will come one day.

[Rob728]

That’s very insightful and you are 100% right, I never thought about it like that before but whatever happens is going to happen no matter what so I might as well just focus on the positives and enjoy the now rather than worry about the future.

[maple]

The past made him into who he is today, and it is his choice to be with you. Even if he wanted to, he wouldn't be able to change his past so though it may be difficult, you should try to not worry too much about it. Be happy in the present and look forward to your future together

[Scoopshipping]

This is something that can happen with any relationship, but not being physically close can definitely compound on it. He's choosing to be with you now, the person he was in the past was someone completely different. Enjoy today and dream about tomorrow.

[Xtina Marie4031]

Jealousy can be such an ugly creature. I happen to be a very jealous person, but it is not something I always was. Being cheated on in the past, time and again, will do that to you. So, I do feel bad for my SO, because it is like he is paying for crimes he didn't commit. IMO, trust and communication are ways to combat jealously.