Just moved to close the gap, but theres a problem

[hereforsupport]

I met a girl on video games about 6 months ago. We fell for each other fast and hard. We met about 2.5 to 3 months in and everything was great. She started planting the seed for me to move closer to her. about 6 weeks ago, she had a fibromyalgia flare up begin. It is the longest and worst one she's ever had. Our communication went from talking all day everyday to me struggling to even get a text. She started avoiding me on the video game (which after talking to a friend with Fibro, he said it sounded like the game is her coping distraction and she was afraid I would ask how she was doing and break her concentration on coping or bring up the relationship which could potentially mean drama. And when she's in self defense mode and in pain, drama=pain). Our communication has still been suffering significantly, but when we do talk, she has never ONCE discouraged me from moving and always acts like everything in the relationship is fine (Saying love you when hanging up the phone, intimate life details she wouldn't tell someone she planed on dumping). We ended up getting into alittle fight this past wednesday over a passive aggressive comment I made because she was avoiding talking to me, I was stressed and packing to move. I mentioned that i felt we hardly talked anymore and she said "well, im done arguing about that" and thats the last Ive heard from her. I told her i loved her and that i would give her some space, but to please reach out to me when she's ready. That was a week ago. I ended up moving close to her this past saturday as planned (after the fight). She had a mini vacation over the weekend that was planned before her flare up, which i figured took a lot out of her, so I didn't take her silence for a few days personally. However, I reached out to her this past monday (2 days ago) asking how she was feeling and how her weekend was, and she is not responding to me. She has been on the video game we met on the past 3 days for the normal amount (could be using it as a distraction) but it bothers me that she knows i moved up here for her, and for whatever reason she doesn't even care to reach out to me. I guess my main question is, Should i consider the relationship done? (its been a week since our last text, and 8 days since our last phone call where she sounded completely content with the relationship), or do you think she legitimately needs space, and she just isn't ready to address the relationship yet. To the best of my knowledge she is still in her flare up, or at least coming out of it, so if she's afraid that a big conversation were to happen, the stress could cause her pain to return/worsen. Also, for those who have moved closer, is there a certain amount of fear that she isn't able to process right now as well? I have been taking the silence really hard because, lets be real, uprooting my life has been stressful on me. Our last phone call was completely normal and she even ended it by saying "love you" first, So Id hope those feelings didn't change in a week?

[Sun_King]

I understand how you feel and have some advice. My lady had sickness fits all throughout 2017 and it can cause a strain (it was related to her kidneys), and add onto other potential stress. You have an emotional need, and the sudden change isn't comfortable, but when she feels physically miserable you may have to accept that you aren't her priority atm, at least until it clears up. Unless she happens to be petty, I don't think she'd break up with you nonverbally over a past insignificant argument (in the grand scheme of things). Couples fight and have minor squabbles. If she would then she wouldn't be worth the trouble if you're the only one putting his/herself on the line. I wouldn't press the issue too much, she'll reach when she's ready to speak. Honor what you say, "I told her i loved her and that I would give her some space, but to please reach out to me when she's ready" and leave it at that. And if it's too much of a struggle, leave it a simple good morning or good night text a couple mornings/nights to let her know you're thinking about her and miss her. Just don't bombard her with a monolith of messages about feeling lonely which may appear as selfish in her eyes, cuz what may end up happening is that you might just build up an elaborate story in your mind wherein you view what's happening as a transgression while she has no idea (guilty of it in the past). All that and you don't want to come off too needy. She still says I love you and displays affection, so assume that is the case until she proves/says differently. Don't find yourself making far more effort than her. Live your life, be patient, and you might just get that surprise message. I'm not saying treat her the same way, but legitimally hold off on future communication and let her come back to you. Lastly, don't make yourself too available. Honor and respect yourself enough to stay away, if she's really ignoring you then she will likely notice the change and then it's on her. Good luck, buddy.

[hereforsupport]

I understand how you feel and have some advice. My lady had sickness fits all throughout 2017 and it can cause a strain (it was related to her kidneys), and add onto other potential stress. You have an emotional need, and the sudden change isn't comfortable, but when she feels physically miserable you may have to accept that you aren't her priority atm, at least until it clears up. Unless she happens to be petty, I don't think she'd break up with you nonverbally over a past insignificant argument (in the grand scheme of things). Couples fight and have minor squabbles. If she would then she wouldn't be worth the trouble if you're the only one putting his/herself on the line. I wouldn't press the issue too much, she'll reach when she's ready to speak. Honor what you say, "I told her i loved her and that I would give her some space, but to please reach out to me when she's ready" and leave it at that. And if it's too much of a struggle, leave it a simple good morning or good night text a couple mornings/nights to let her know you're thinking about her and miss her. Just don't bombard her with a monolith of messages about feeling lonely which may appear as selfish in her eyes, cuz what may end up happening is that you might just build up an elaborate story in your mind wherein you view what's happening as a transgression while she has no idea (guilty of it in the past). All that and you don't want to come off too needy. She still says I love you and displays affection, so assume that is the case until she proves/says differently. Don't find yourself making far more effort than her. Live your life, be patient, and you might just get that surprise message. I'm not saying treat her the same way, but legitimally hold off on future communication and let her come back to you. Lastly, don't make yourself too available. Honor and respect yourself enough to stay away, if she's really ignoring you then she will likely notice the change and then it's on her. Good luck, buddy.

Thank you for the response. This means a lot to read this for reinforcement. We have had issues in the past where she admitted she needed a lot of space and alone time and she felt I was being too clingy. This was shortly after communication went from 100-0 though, so naturally it was a rough transition for me. We had since talked about it (4 weeks ago) and seemed to resolve the issue. And I think the phone call 8 days ago kind of affirmed that she acknowledged there is a relationship and such based on her normal demeanor, openness of life discussions (that you wouldn't really talk to "just a friend" about, much less someone you planned to break up with) and the ending "I love you"... It is definitely hard, especially since I just moved up here based on a seed she planted and never discouraged. Its just rough because she's still playing the video game like normal, with other people. It Makes me think she's just dreading having to think about the relationship right now (the people she plays with now have no clue of her illnesses). How long should I "respect her space" before taking the hint that its potentially over? or should I assume she will have the decency of closure where it isn't over till she says its over? Its been 8, going on 9 days since our last phone call which ended in the love you, and 7 days since our stupid little Tiff.

[snow]

You moved for her and 8 days without any communication are ridiculous. I understand she may need space due to her illness, but honestly, wouldn't you seek comfort in the person you say you love?
I think you honored the space and now it is time to find out where you stand.

[Rezie]

I'm sorry but I call BS. I know fibro is a terrible disease and the pain is terrible. But it's not an excuse to not communicate and treat you like crap. She has had this disease for a while and I know this latest flare up is different from others. But she needs to learn to communicate. Avoiding you in a game in fear of you asking how she is. Not calling or texting in week especially when you moves to be closet is just ridiculous. She needs to learn to say "please don't ask how I'm doing" or "I need 3 days to myself without contact". Fibro does not go away so she needs to learn to handle it. It's not easy but it's necessary if she wants to maintain relationships.

I would advise you to read about fibro and potentially reach out to a support group and ask how people there handle the flair ups. There are people in relationship and married that can explain. Then I'd reach to her that you want to talk.

[hereforsupport]

I'm sorry but I call BS. I know fibro is a terrible disease and the pain is terrible. But it's not an excuse to not communicate and treat you like crap. She has had this disease for a while and I know this latest flare up is different from others. But she needs to learn to communicate. Avoiding you in a game in fear of you asking how she is. Not calling or texting in week especially when you moves to be closet is just ridiculous. She needs to learn to say "please don't ask how I'm doing" or "I need 3 days to myself without contact". Fibro does not go away so she needs to learn to handle it. It's not easy but it's necessary if she wants to maintain relationships.

I would advise you to read about fibro and potentially reach out to a support group and ask how people there handle the flair ups. There are people in relationship and married that can explain. Then I'd reach to her that you want to talk.

Still no Contact. I reached out to her today telling her I had an appointment at 4:30 saturday and if she wanted/was able to meet for a quick bite beforehand. I figure that gives it a finite end time and no pressure. I fully believe there is something else going on that she isn't telling me. I understand getting cold feet maybe, or coming to the realization of "oh, this is real now and not just a LDR", but it bothers me that she never once discouraged me from moving. Not even a "are you sure?" comment. Is latching on to the fact that she didn't discourage it ok to assume that there is still a relationship, she just for whatever reason (disease, her daughter, school starting soon, other life events) she just isn't ready to address the relationship right now? or maybe she's afraid that we will have a huge fight because she knows her behavior lately has been completely unacceptable? Or do you think Im just dealing with someone who is the worst kind of human in the world that would allow someone to uproot their life to be with someone and then Ghost them after 6 months of a committed relationship and thinks its all just a game that she won?

[Redheart14]

If you don’t get a response to your message about lunch I’d say it’s over. There’s no excuse for not replying, even if she’s mad she could at least reply seeing you moved for her. Maybe things moved too fast, most ldrs don’t close the distance so soon. Maybe saying your moving and then you actually being there scared her. Nevertheless, she initiated you moving closer to her so she at least owes you a reply or closure of some sort. You made a huge sacrifice for her if you get no response I would just move on with getting settled and focus on you.

[Rezie]

What red said, and also I'm assuming she is an adult and if something scares her she should communicate. Ghosting is not part of adult relationship. This is coming from someone who is not the best at communicating but this is not an option. If she doesn't respond in a few days then it's time to move on.

[hereforsupport]

What red said, and also I'm assuming she is an adult and if something scares her she should communicate. Ghosting is not part of adult relationship. This is coming from someone who is not the best at communicating but this is not an option. If she doesn't respond in a few days then it's time to move on.

So she did respond to my text about lunch by saying "I can't, I have to pick my daughter up saturday" (from grandparents an hour or 2 away, getting back from vacation). I guess if she was ghosting me, she probably would have just not responded at all...But, something still isn't right that she hasn't made an effort to call or text outside of that one answer. Could she just be completely overwhelmed and the thought of me being up here now and just does not know what to think? Like now that im up here "its real" and she is getting cold feet? We met twice in person over the course of 6 months of the LDR, so I would hope it isn't the situation of "It was just a long distance fling for fun". The things she said about being in love with me and me being the best thing to ever happen to her, minus her daughter, are not something you say to someone you just view as a fling. If that was the case, why would she plant the seed for me to move, and never once discourage it or ask "are you sure?" when I brought up my move dates and stuff. Im trying my hardest to just give her space and let her come to me when she's ready, but its starting to get ridiculous and cowardly. Her daughter starts school at the end of the month, She starts taking a few courses at the end of the month as well, so her life is about to get very busy, and she does have other things to worry about. Unfortunately right now, she has all the control, and Im starting to think she's just keeping me on the hook, or maybe she legitamitly does just need a lot of time to figure out how much time and effort she will have for the relationship. Either way..this communication sucks, and right now im stuck waiting on her. I also can't just call freely because she lives with her ex (more of a co-parenting situation) I know for a fact she has no plans of staying with him long term, she just needed the help while in school, but he can get jealous and verbally abusive when he finds out she's in a relationship, resulting in me not being able to call her freely or showing up at her house.

[Redheart14]

I think you need to make it clear to her that you tired of waiting and won’t be around forever. At some point you need to move on. You’re right, you have no control and that isn’t the way it should be. I get people are busy, but to not even spare a few minutes for someone you love and has moved to be closer to you just isn’t right. If you still haven’t met up next week, I personally thinking waiting till the end of the month would be unbearable for you and you shouldn’t put yourself through it. After ignoring you as long as she has she’s got to make it up to you if she wants this to work. If you don’t set a time on this you could be dragged along for ages.

[autumn1790]

The cynic in me really questions if the ex is an ex.

[Rezie]

This whole thing sounds so weird. I'm a bit sceptical on this whole ex thing. I would send her a "final" text.

"I'm not happy with our current situation. I've recently relocated and you haven't responded to my messages. I have no control over our relationship and I don't even know where we stand. If there is something going on, please tell me and we can talk about it together. If you don't want to be with me, tell me that. Current situation is not working for me. If you ignore this message, I'll assume it's you don't want me and I'll have to move on. I love you and i want to make it work, but I can't be in a relationship that has no communication"

[Scoopshipping]

Hold on, she's currently living with her ex? Who's jealous/abusive about her being in another relationship? That's a really important detail.

Could it be possible that she doesn't have the ability to go see you face to face because of him? She could be scared that he would find out or that her kid might accidentally say something, which is understandable. Is your moving out there supposed to include her moving in with you? Maybe she's worried that her chronic illness might be a huge strain for you to physically deal with and is afraid you'll leave her if you see that part of her.

[maple]

How much of a move was it for you? Regardless, she should not be cutting communication from you like that. Definitely reach out to her, let her know that you are concerned for her, and continue from there. If she refuses to communicate, then you should consider what you really want. If she's like this now, how would you cope in the long run? Good luck!