My ex wants to get back together but he's not fighting hard enough.

[noma]

Hello everyone,

So let me explain the situation. I was in a two year long LDR with my ex-boyfriend. We met through the internet and after 4-5 months, we decided to meet and we got together but we couldn't see each other very often as I was still studying and he couldn't find a job (and was still living with his parents at 25). Being in a LDR was very hard on the both of us and it was even more complicated since he had troubles communicating what's wrong. After a year and a half of passion and fights, we decided to try to live together for a few weeks and everything went very smoothly. However, when he went back to his family for the holidays I felt something was wrong. He was very distant so I suspected (as I did in the past) that he was depressed. He was barely speaking to me, said he felt he had no energy, was lost. He then asked for a break, said everything was too much for him to handle. After 2-3 weeks, he told me he couldn't come back to our place because he didn't like the city, he missed his family too much. I tried EVERYTHING to make it work but he ended up breaking up with me very brutally (through text, with zero explanations and rude).

I wrote him a letter wishing him the best and after two months he replied saying he was the biggest idiot on the planet, that he loved me, and that he fell through a hole of depression where he couldn't see any exit. We then started to talk again and I said that for us to get back together he needed to work on his problems first. He has seen a couple times a psychiatrist now and said it helps him. However, it's been now 4 months since we started to talk again and he almost only texts, he has called a few times (especially when I was feeling down) and skyped only once. I've told him multiple times that I need him to call and skype to make me feel wanted and loved but he always replies with : "it's not natural for me, I want to be with you but I don't want to force myself to do stuff I don't naturally do. You're always pressuring me to do this kind of stuff". When I ask him "don't you want to see me, or hear my voice" he replies with : "i love it when we skype, I'm always happy but I never get the idea to do it". Regarding calls he says : "I'm always afraid that you will be mad at me because I don't have any good topic of conversation" (I was very harsh with him on that in the past).

I want to give him another shot as I love him a lot but I feel he's not doing enough. I don't feel desired or wanted even though he says he wants to be with me. Do you have any advice or thoughts ?

[Scoopshipping]

I'm glad he's going to a psychiatrist because the issues are mostly on his end and he needs to fix them. So besides that, pressuring him to do things he doesn't want to do won't get him very far. If you sit him down and have a frank discussion (perhaps over voice, something more than text if you can) about how you feel. Use I statements. "I feel unwanted when we don't communicate very often." "I'm always so happy to talk to you." "I want this relationship to work, we need to work together." Accusing him or just pointing out what he's doing wrong won't get you very far, especially if he's battling depression. Offer to be there to help him, maybe there's things you can do together that don't require as much effort on his end if he's down, like watching a tv show or movie together.

Make sure that he knows that you both need to put in work, because a relationship is two people, and it won't work if only one person takes all the effort.

[snow]

You want to be heard, but you also have to hear him.
He is making an effort to show you that he changed and that he wants you and loves you, but video calls and voice calls just aren't where he feels most comfortable - and he is communicating this to you which is a very good thing!
At this point you have to work with him so you both get what you want and need. If he doesn't like to initiate these calls, make dates where you both are going to be prepared to do just that. This way he is not going to be afraid that you won't have anything to talk about and you get what you need.

'ALSO, very important, silence is OK. You don't have to fill all of your time with words.