Long Distance Affair

[velvetscarlet]

Hello guys.
I'm new to this site, greetings from South East Asia.

So as the title said above, yes it is an affair.
I've been married for 7 years now. But there's always something off in my marriage and i feel like it's not right.

I've been finding what's really happening and i just figured out after years that my main reason to get married was to ran away from my family, especially my dad.

My husband is a good person, loves me much and treats me well. Hence why my family members like him a lot and my dad gave his trust to him to take me away from home.

I got depressed right away after my marriage, i even talked to a psychiatrist once.

After a year, i met this guy online. Call him DN. We've been talking and growing feelings for each others for 6 years now. Or just almost my entire marriage span.

We haven't met in person at all. But we chat, talk on the phone and video call everyday.
My husband found out about him 4 years ago, so he knows him. And DN knows about my marriage too.

We always talk about how we want to close the distance, express our love to each others.
And i can tell that i have a strong feelings for DN even more than for my husband.

I've been wanting to get a divorce cause I can't stand being a fake and just acting as if that i have a happy marriage in front of my family and his. But, i still can't imagine how would my dad feel and think if i ever get divorced. And how hurts my husband would be, he loves me so much and he is a great man. But my heart is belong to someone else and it's killing me. I can't even picture myself having any kids with my husband.
That makes me feel so horrible and feel like i'm just such a piece of crap.

DN has been talking about marriage and kids. As much as i really want to just go and be with him, i'm just so scared to go through the whole situation that might happen within my family if i ever tell them that i want a divorce.

I'd really appreciate any insights, you guys can even tell anything i know i'm not in a right position now. But any opinions would help. Thanks in advance.

[Lune]

Hello there.

I think this topic is always pretty sensitive, because you surely know how unfair what you do is and don't need a lecture for that now. Yet what I would be interested about is how long have you been in a relationship before you married your husband? A decision to marry does normally not come quickly around the corner.
Another question I have is what do you think is missing you in the marriage? When your husband is a good person and treats you well, there must be something and in the best way the step would be first to figure that out and talk about it together as a couple to work on that instead of getting into something with another person. Getting involved with someone else might seem as the easy thing first, but it does not solve problems and life will have points where you have to work on something and cannot run away all the time.
Now you did but I think you should come clear about some things.

Having a connection with someone through the web can be super intense and I think everyone in a Long Distance Relationship knows that. You never know someone completely til you spent time with them. In person you just discover many new things and never stop learning about each other. So before you make any major future decisions like marriage or even kids with this other man you should see how to deal with your current situation.
And even if that would be over and you and DN still wanna continue what you have then marriage and kids should not be the first things to think about for a while. You have to work on yourself, because having an affair is never the answer and what if something with DN goes wrong and you would go into something like this again? It is really often some bad circle unfortunately. That can be broken when you get why you rather run away from things than facing a situation and work it out right away.

What is it your husband knows about the other guy? Does he think you are only friends or does he sense something is going on but you never talk about it? To give some better advice some more details are necessary I think.
Another thing I think is that you never gave the marriage a real chance to develop because you went into something else with DN so early that your head and heart are wrapped around that. And when that happens someone can do whatever they want of they are really only good (like you say your husband is) but it will never be enough because you stopped to pay attention long ago. Did you ever talk about your feelings with your husband at all so he can know you are unhappy somehow? If not, maybe you should consider that, alone out of respect and what you have, because you say you have stronger feelings for DN, what intents you have still some for your man too. What made you figure out after years that you only married to run away?

With your family is another topic. If it should come to a divorce it is never easy and never a nice thing to happen. Yet you are an adult and they have to accept your decisions.

Just living on with that affair and marriage and basically treating your husband unfair because you betray him even "only" like this and talk about him like he was used all the time and now only an annoying barrier that avoids you to be with your long distance partner and also DN unfair because of making plans with him while you are still bound and didn't get to know him personally at all yet is nothing that should go on like this.
You also said you went to see a therapist once. Maybe it would be good to start a therapy again, probably even with your husband to solve your issues and find a way out of them. It also often helps to try to place yourself into your partners situation and think about how you would react and feel if you found out someone did what you do to yourself.

I hope my thoughts sound not too harsh and help a bit.

[Sun_King]

Lune pretty much said it all. The only other thing to add is that with cheating (even if only on an emotional level), affairs, and the like remember that when a person elects those course of actions, that they may also be susceptible to cheat again with someone else. You have a grasp over DN's character, so you can decide, but still remember he's intruding into another married man's space willingly. Do whatever you can to correct all this.

[Damien hell]

I read some good articles about long distance relation from online. Well written and good solution there.