Need some advice on a couple of things

[KyleTheMan]

I'm not sure if this is worth making a thread for. Usually, i would have just made a post on my blog but perhaps it'll be fine to make a thread!

Me and my SO had a little fight today and it was kinda strange to me. I never thought she would react so strongly about a simple question. You see, these past few weeks, Lily (My SO, that's what i refer to her around here) has been really stressed lately. She's been working on her translation job every single day and she's been going to university classes and doing projects and school work. Basically she has no free time at all. The little bit of free time she has she spends it talking to me.

But today i thought of having fun with her! Lets make our chat extra fun today! We usually fight over where we will live when we get married. Its supposed to be a topic we can talk about easily right? But we always fight whenever the topic is brought up. It never fails. So! I decided to be extra sensitive with her! I'll show her we can get discuss this topic without fighting!

She's thinking on getting a new job and that's where i decided it was the perfect time to strike! I asked her what does she think this job will mean for our future? She got excited and started talking about it! Then she tells me that after a year or so of experience she would get a job in the west doing the same! That's where things turn sour!

I started looking for job posts in Puerto Rico about her new job just to see if they offer some over here! Aha! I found one! So i send her the link. She tells me "Ummm... you know, we dont need to limit ourselves to a PR job!". Hmmmm... so i asked her what she meant! She said "I should have my green card when i get married to you! So we can get a US job instead! We dont need to wait until i'm an official citizen!". Woah! I was happy she researched all that! I usually let her do most of the research, i research on this stuff too but i decided to ask her "Woah you researched this? XD". That's where things turn bad!

"You think i'm like those Thai women, don't you?" she said "You think i want to marry you for citizenship just to leave you once i get it, right?". I had no idea what happened there. Then she gets angry and starts accusing me of thinking that she's like those women and how can i be so insensitive and how come we can never talk about these things.

You see, she refuses to learn even basic level Spanish and she doesn't want to live here with me. She's made that really clear. She expects me to find a job in the US and move there and help her find a job there despite all the benefits we have staying here (Like my parents and their business for one).

She tells me living there has been a dream she's always had ever since she was a little girl. She has also shown signs of thinking Puerto Rico is some sort of 3rd world country despite the fact we're US territory and our economy and lifestyle being very similar. The only differences being we speak Spanish and we love eating White Rice with Beans. Oh, and a nice Mofongo on the side goes really well! XD

I love her and i don't like making her feel bad! Oh and about her translation job, it has flexible hours! She lives with her mom and she can decide to work as much as she wants! But she always decides to work several times a day. She deliberately drains all her free time. I think the stress is getting to her and i want her to relax.

Basically:

1) How can i get her to relax? How can i make her feel happier despite her lack of free time? I've tried a lot, lots of advice on how she needs to take some free days but she wont listen. She's stubborn. I've tried poems and lots of little cute and silly gifts that she's liked. But she still feels stressed. Which reminds me that she got angry again later that day because she took a joke completely the wrong way!

2) I need your opinions. Would you move to a country just because your SO has always dreamed of living there? Despite logic? No matter how hard it would make our lives? No matter how much better off we would be where we are?

3) Finally, this is sort of unrelated. But how can i get her to have a little more privacy? She lives with her mom and her dad died a long time ago. She doesnt have her own room. So this is pretty much the reason why we never voice chat or video chat. No privacy and she refuses to do anything about it. Stubborn as always! A little more privacy would open the doors for us to do more interesting things like the previously mentioned activities. Which in turn, should help her relieve stress and make us feel closer! Two birds with one stone!

Thanks all! I apologize for the enormous post! I need to go study now! But i'll check in, in a while! Thanks!

[LadyMarchHare]

This is just me, but if talking about your future together upsets you guys on a regular basis, then don't talk about it. Thinking that far ahead usually causes anxiety and really you guys need to live for today, not however many years from now especially when she's busy with school and you guys are still having the argument about her not moving to where you are and wanting to be in the US.

As for the moving, again, you need to quit dwelling on it because you're being just as stubborn as her whether you realize it or not. Look at what you wrote for #2, that's a stubbornly biased statement. You don't know any of those things for certain nor does she know anything she thinks for certain. You never know until you try.

And 3, that's entirely her issue to deal with. Frankly she needs to tell her mom to back off and let her at least have her own bedroom or a 'work room' to have the computer in where she can have peace. But again, that's for her to deal with and not you as you are not in the house/apartment and more than likely you'd be stepping on cultural toes.

But seriously Kyle, I know people here talk about the future all the time, but you guys are always hitting brick walls over this subject. Leave it alone for a while.

[Mia]

Well that's a hard advising one... Hmmm... lets see...
I think that the reason she got angry was because she was really stressed those days as you mentioned before. We are a little bit more sensitive when we are stressed! It will be so great if you could book her at a hotel or spa centre a massage or a spa package! This will absolutely relax her and she will be once more completely in love with you as she will understand that you actually understand her through those hard times she is getting through. In my opinion you should discuss more the topic about moving to US or staying at PR and discuss it without the fear of arguing and also the willing of truly understanding each other. About the privacy i think she could find some free time, or even replace the time talking with you by the phone and go to a library or even a coffee shop with free Wi-Fi and just have a video chat through her laptop if there is available.
Hope i helped you just a bit! Good luck with your studying!

[KyleTheMan]

This is just me, but if talking about your future together upsets you guys on a regular basis, then don't talk about it. Thinking that far ahead usually causes anxiety and really you guys need to live for today, not however many years from now especially when she's busy with school and you guys are still having the argument about her not moving to where you are and wanting to be in the US.

As for the moving, again, you need to quit dwelling on it because you're being just as stubborn as her whether you realize it or not. Look at what you wrote for #2, that's a stubbornly biased statement. You don't know any of those things for certain nor does she know anything she thinks for certain. You never know until you try.

And 3, that's entirely her issue to deal with. Frankly she needs to tell her mom to back off and let her at least have her own bedroom or a 'work room' to have the computer in where she can have peace. But again, that's for her to deal with and not you as you are not in the house/apartment and more than likely you'd be stepping on cultural toes.

But seriously Kyle, I know people here talk about the future all the time, but you guys are always hitting brick walls over this subject. Leave it alone for a while.

Geez! Someone sounds like they had a very bad day!

Well that's a hard advising one... Hmmm... lets see...
I think that the reason she got angry was because she was really stressed those days as you mentioned before. We are a little bit more sensitive when we are stressed! It will be so great if you could book her at a hotel or spa centre a massage or a spa package! This will absolutely relax her and she will be once more completely in love with you as she will understand that you actually understand her through those hard times she is getting through. In my opinion you should discuss more the topic about moving to US or staying at PR and discuss it without the fear of arguing and also the willing of truly understanding each other. About the privacy i think she could find some free time, or even replace the time talking with you by the phone and go to a library or even a coffee shop with free Wi-Fi and just have a video chat through her laptop if there is available.
Hope i helped you just a bit! Good luck with your studying!

Thank you very much for the advice, Mia! In fact, that's exactly what i'll do!