My ldr fiance changed all our plans

[MissCheese]

Hello everyone. I've been in a long distance relationship for almost 2 years now, we already met in person. We are engaged and were planning to get married in December.

Lately we've been having a lot of fights, he would ignore me or block me, and every time something happened he wanted out. After the last fight we decided to take a 1 week break. After the break we talked, and that's when the thing got worse. He didn't talk about anything related to the fights we've been having, didn't suggest any solutions, he brought up something I never expected: we're 3 months away from getting married, and he told me he wants to focus on himself and his personal life. He says he doesn't wanna spend so much time and energy on this relationship, that he can't progress and make me happy at the same time, and that his priorities are his other plans and goals right now.

I'm very hurt by all this. It seems like I'm not as important as I was a few months ago when he proposed to me. It seems to me that he is not sure about what he wants. I wish he would've thought about it all before proposing to me. I think he doesn't wanna be in a committed relationship, he just wants to live his life. I don't know what to think.

Even after telling me that me and this relationship aren't a priority for him, he wants to stay with me, and he wants my support. I don't think we'll get married in December since he's planning to go somewhere else for a few months for business. I see this as another obstacle in this relationship.

I need advice on what to do or what to say to him. He wants my support, but I wish he understood how much it hurts when someone does something like this to you.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Maybe you should put all this in an email to him, if he won't talk about it directly? He may be confused, he may be stressed. It could be any number of things. You can temporarily put the wedding on hold, giving him time to work out what he wants with you. Maybe his journey away will give him the space he feels he needs? I don't know. I don't know him, or you, so I can only theorise here. I am curious about the progress you mentioned. What does he want to progress with? How does he expect you to support him?

My SO and me can go back and forth sometimes about our relationship, and we are only 12 weeks in! A LDR is difficult no matter the distance, no matter the people involved. It is a huge strain. I understand that you are feeling hurt, and I think that is perfectly natural.
We recently agreed not to meet for Christmas this year, and that upset me a lot. SO said he felt like things were moving too fast. I have thought it through since, and I realise the timing is simply not right atm. But it still hurt me.
Communication is so incredibly important here, and it is something both me and SO struggle with to a point. Feel free to inbox me if you want to chat about it. Good luck.

[Lune]

Hi there

It is sad that your relationship is at a rough point right now. But I think especially when you both have reached the point where you decided that you want to spend your lives together and get married you should be able to fix your problems in other ways than blocking each other or taking breaks even. One of the most important things in long distance relationships is communication and how do you wanna solve something when you even avoid the only thing available for connecting kind of?

It would be interesting about what kinds of things you are getting into trouble about. Is it major issues or just little things because you are both stressed out with other things going on into your lives? It is normal to be annoyed by things from time to time, having a bad day or so, still you should try to not put the blame too much on each other but in opposite be supportive. When it is major things and it happens too often you really should consider if marriage is the right choice with so much being there before it already. What is a huge message added up to his behavior is that he says he does not wanna invest so much into the relationship anymore. What does he mean with that? Every relationship is something that should be made of getting and giving back as well, not only taking (in this case still wanting your support) and not giving something back anymore when he ignores you, says you are not a priority anymore and other things in life are more important.

It sounds like he still needs to grow up and make his mind up about what he really wants and wishes for in his life. And you should do so as well and look if you wanna be in a relationship that might get one sided more and more when your boyfriend already commits out loud how little it means so much for him these days. You both probably should see that you talk it through, maybe figure when it began and why and then see what you wanna do to fix it if you both want to fix it still.

All the best.

[MissCheese]

I asked him today what he meant, suggested he might have not used the right words. That maybe he meant he needed more space or balance his personal life and the relationship, that maybe he's not doing things he wants to do.

He didn't wanna talk to me. I suggested we take a 1h break. He texted me back 30min later saying yes, that made our break 1h 30min. After that I called him, asked him again what he meant. For an hr he refused to talk, answering "ok" to everyhing, then he told me I didn't deserve to know that. Hung up on me many times. Told me he was bored (lol). I didn't call him back so after a min or so, he called me, I asked him how does not proper communication and avoiding me and the problem benefit the relationship, how does it fix the problems. After avoiding it for a while, he told me the truth. That he knows it won't benefit either the relationship or me, that he knows it harms the relationship, but he only cares about how it benefits him. After that, we hung up.

I feel like he's taking me for granted, he's just playing with me. He's being super egoistic.

I'm having a hard time understanding all this, but now that I think about it, this relationship was only serious and stable when he came to visit me. We had these problems before (ignoring, blocking, breaking up all the time, he not making me a priority, he even told me once that he wanted to focus on himself and then broke up with me, but then we fixed things), the story is repeating itself. I guess I just avoided the red flags because I was in love. It seems like I'm only waiting for him to feel sorry for me and change when it's obvious that I'm not as important to him as I wish I was.

I'm just emotionally destroyed because I was super excited about our future together, about getting married, I have a lot of gifts and nice memories with him and I can't believe he's doing this to me.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I asked him today what he meant, suggested he might have not used the right words. That maybe he meant he needed more space or balance his personal life and the relationship, that maybe he's not doing things he wants to do.

He didn't wanna talk to me. I suggested we take a 1h break. He texted me back 30min later saying yes, that made our break 1h 30min. After that I called him, asked him again what he meant. For an hr he refused to talk, answering "ok" to everyhing, then he told me I didn't deserve to know that. Hung up on me many times. Told me he was bored (lol). I didn't call him back so after a min or so, he called me, I asked him how does not proper communication and avoiding me and the problem benefit the relationship, how does it fix the problems. After avoiding it for a while, he told me the truth. That he knows it won't benefit either the relationship or me, that he knows it harms the relationship, but he only cares about how it benefits him. After that, we hung up.

I feel like he's taking me for granted, he's just playing with me. He's being super egoistic.

I'm having a hard time understanding all this, but now that I think about it, this relationship was only serious and stable when he came to visit me. We had these problems before (ignoring, blocking, breaking up all the time, he not making me a priority, he even told me once that he wanted to focus on himself and then broke up with me, but then we fixed things), the story is repeating itself. I guess I just avoided the red flags because I was in love. It seems like I'm only waiting for him to feel sorry for me and change when it's obvious that I'm not as important to him as I wish I was.

I'm just emotionally destroyed because I was super excited about our future together, about getting married, I have a lot of gifts and nice memories with him and I can't believe he's doing this to me.

I'm sorry to hear this. Sending virtual hugs your way though.

[autumn1790]

He's being completely disrespectful to you by hanging up and scoffing at your attempts to make up. This is just my view, but it seems like you're making yourself too available and allowing him to treat you this way. Stand up for yourself. You don't deserve this, don't allow him to do this to you. If he doesn't want to be with you and selfishly wants everything to be about him, let him. There comes a time when adults need to act like adults and not high school teenagers. He is definitely not ready for marriage with this behavior.

[Lune]

Hello back

It was really good of you that you made your step and tried to speak about it all and unfortunately you got another row of reactions as an answer that show how little he cares. Even if it hurts a lot now you still tried what you could and now could totally figure for yourself what is going on, what you put in words already. I guess this guy has to grow up a lot and you deserve better than being played with in a very childish manner like being called, being ignored again and so on. It only leads to instability and pain because you cannot rely on this person and like this you only have to think about when the next time will be he wants to focus on himself, when you go on like this. So ending it is the best option for now.

So sad it came to it, probably you both find together again. But now you can see that you focus more on yourself and your life with your family, friends and things you like to do yourself without him, give yourself time to heal All the best and much strength
Maybe you also find some good advice of how to deal with connecting with others here that went through same situations already

[MissCheese]

Thank you very much everyone! I feel like he's taking me for granted (if he actually cares even a little about me)

Yesterday night I broke up with him. I called to say good bye and he laughed in my face as always.

A few min ago just when I was reading all your answers here, he texted me apologizing, he said: I'm sorry about yesterday, I was feeling sick and wanted to rest. Sorry for all the pain I caused you and the way I expressed myself.

What do you guys think? Would forgiving him so easily mean I'm letting him treat me the way he wants?

[Lune]

Nice that the advice helps you somehow

You are right, it all looks like it. He behaves like he can do whatever he wants and thinks you will be there anyway. That is shown in the immature way he laughed off your decision of breaking up. I mean really? That is so unfair and even if someone does it out of insecurity it is the worst reaction you can probably have. He just does not take you for real at all and that is pretty disrespectful. Also what he wrote now afterwards to explain his behavior. It sounds like just an empty line in the context you talked about til now and maybe this is the point where he realized that you actually could mean what you said.

I would say forgiving him so easily and going on like before would show him exactly what you say. That you make a decision and he just have to apologize and all is fine again. It is clear that more has to be done to show you how much he still wants it all and what he is going to do to work for it to show you he is for real. People don't grow up in one night.
I think you can say that you appreciate the step into an apology, yet there is much still standing in the room, also his business stay somewhere else where he wanted to focus on more too like it sounded. In my opinion there are not many ways to express yourself wrong by saying the priorities are not lying on the relationship, he wants more time for himself and so on. In an LDR you have so much time alone already because you are not able to meet on a regular basis in most cases and if you don't spam someone with million messages a day and they don't want it wanting time for yourself even more is a twisted wish.

I would suggest to stay with the decision you made and see how much effort he puts into it all now. If he really does change and stops ignoring, blocking you and acting like a kid, then you can see where it goes again. If not you are already free and know what you did was right.

[MissCheese]

I think I'll just see what happens from now on, I'll just try not to get my hopes up.

Thank you very much everyone, your comments have really made me think and see things from another perspective, this forum is very helpful!