Feel sick. My amazing 2.5 year relationship - discovered this

[chrelnka]

Hi. I’m sorry this is a long one but I really need some advice. This is my first relationship and I love him so much but this is hurting me.

So my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. We met September of 2015 and became the best of friends. In January of 2016 I told him I had feelings for him and he reciprocated them entirely. From then on we had a few months talking via messages from January to August, and in August we finally met in person. I feel so loved, he is the sweetest guy, I trust him entirely, and we match so perfectly. My family loves him, he is what I call the perfect guy. He is so devoted to me in every way - which is why this shocked me.

Two nights ago I was on his phone searching old messages of ours to find some old pictures, when I accidentally came across a message on his Facebook that he had sent a girl he knew on his worldly travels. He had sent her a handful of messages from March to June of 2016 (when we had just started our relationship) where he told her that he had been having sexy intimate dreams about her, that she was hot, beautiful, and adorable. Saying the same things to her he had said to me (phrases such as - never forget how beautiful you are) he then said that he wished they had f*cked when they had the chance but he was a virgin and didn’t want to lose it to her as she had a boyfriend. Lots of hearts and kissy emojis. Emojis gesturing what sex would have been like had it happened between them.

Then, as soon as me and him physically met in August, those messages completely stopped, he no longer sent messages like that to her. It’s very apparent how his demeanor totally changed towards her in the rare messages he sent her back and forth. Yet he still sends messages to her from time to time as she apparently has “men troubles” and he gives her advice.

I am honestly in total shock, I am so hurt and disappointed and don’t know what to do. It is so out of character and not him. This was 2 years ago and nothing happened since, it all stopped after we met.. but I can’t believe it. He messages her now from time to time as she goes to him for boyfriend advice and he did say to her that he was so happy with me and he’d never been so happy. He also rejected her invite to meet up when she was near his town, and he told me right away a girl had asked him to town and he of course said no.

He always sends me screenshots of ANY messages girls send him and is so loving with me. When I told him I had discovered these messages yesterday he read them, said oh my god I’m so sorry what the hell did I write?? He broke down, he sobbed apologizing saying he totally forgot about that and can’t for the life of him remember why he did and said that. He said that he was an idiot and a fool and has only ever loved me but that perhaps he didn’t see that until we physically met. I’m hurt that he didn’t at least respect me enough at the start of our relationship to not be thinking of another girl!!

I don’t know what to do. I forgave him but it’s still playing on my mind and I don’t know if staying with him is the right thing. We’ve been together for 2.5 years and had a beautiful loving relationship. He physically vomited yesterday getting so upset and distraught at what he had done. We lost our virginities together. I genuinely have felt he’s my soul mate. He said he had completely forgotten he had said that and for the life of him can’t remember why he did. I know he would never do something like that again, he is SO devoted to me. He would literally do anything for me, and the only thing that makes me feel I can forgive him is the fact he did it before we both physically met, despite the fact we so called started our relationship months before.

What do I do? I love him to pieces and I know he loves me to pieces. His wall at home is covered with pictures of us, he is so caring and loving with me and not the kind of man I could distrust. He’s always at home and always messages me where he is if he’s out so I don’t worry. Yet he did that when we were supposed to be starting our relationship. My only piece of anything is that he did it before we physically met. But we were still supposed to be in a relationship when he said those things. It’s so out of character for him, he said he was in a bad place then and that I changed him and his life completely when we finally met. I don’t know what to do.

He’s so distraught, he’s sobbing and crying and apologizing that he hurt me, that he hates himself for it and can’t even remember doing it. He immediately deleted and blocked her and Telling me everything he loves about me and how much he loves me and needs me. How he was complete the day we physically met. That he can’t picture life without me. I’m so inexperienced with all this stuff. Is forgiving him just totally stupid on my part? I can’t talk to my mother about it because I know she’d hate him for it. I have nobody to talk to about it. He has so many incredible qualities that I feel I’d lose so much leaving him. But is this unforgivable? Thank you

[Chris516]

He emotionally cheated on you. I wonder what else, he MAY have done.

[chrelnka]

I am certain he has done nothing else. He’s a very sweet man, he is a mummy’s boy and he is very loving and dedicated to me and my feelings - this happened before we physically met and genuinely he has never done a thing like it since. I have reason and proof from prior situations that he’s loyal to me. This is why it shocked me he said those things before we met to another girl.

[kittyxuchiha11]

Honestly all i thought when reading this is there must have been some sort of miscommunication between you two at the time. When you started your relationship, did you both make it clear that this was official and you weren't allowed to talk to other people? because if not, as bad as it sounds, he could have liked you both. Or of course there is the option of he still had a bit of a crush on this other girl and just sort of got carried away with telling her she's pretty and how she wished this could have happened, some people do get very resentful when they see something they could of had but never acted on it and like to talk about it, i know i definitely have done that before with people it hasn't worked out with, maybe not to the extent it sounds like your SO did, but still.

The bottom line of this one is if you still trust him and he has given you no reason not to trust him since then you either have the choice to forgive him, or live the rest of your life resenting him which will definitely eat away at your relationship and destroy it.

[Redheart14]

When my husband and I met we weren’t just talking to each other (online dating). Of course seeing we were long distance we were talking to people that lived closer. When we decided to be offical we of course had to tell these people that we’ve met someone and we wanted to see how things went. Of course there was still the odd person who would ask how it was going with us but we were never threatened by that. We (my husband and I) knew we’d been on dates with other people, kissed or cuddled but that’s in the past and we kept it there. In the early stages especially being long distance it’s hard to imagine meeting at times, let alone things going perfect. You seem to be happy apart from this one hiccup, so if you can let it go, do so and enjoy what you have with your SO. If you can’t, then cut the ties now, you’ll only end up resenting him and it’ll destroy everything the last 2.5 years created.

[Littlewhiteflower]

My fiancé went out with a "friend" 4 months after we started talking. It was a date but he didn't like her. He said he invited her for a date because he wasn't realising I was real. Once we met, he never did anything disrespectful again.

I had a hard time going over this and when i think about it, it still hurts a bit, but I gave another chance to my SO and he never showed me that anything like this would happen again. I think you should give him a chance.. I'm engaged to my partner now and planning our wedding for next year. Love is hard sometimes but if you can go through the bad, you can live some amazing things as well.

[snow]

If he stopped as soon as you had physically met and you had a wonderful relationship for 2 and a half years, why throw it away for something that happened before you met?
I think you are putting way too much emphasis on a fling of the past than the two and a half years where he has been amazing to you. If he continued to be sexual with this woman while being with you, then yes, I can totally see why you are so upset, but if not, cut him some slack.
He hasn't met you in person, he had met her in person and knew what she was like, and once he met you and "compared" you two, he chose you.

I don't think you have to worry about this.

[CJM987]

Then, as soon as me and him physically met in August, those messages completely stopped, he no longer sent messages like that to her. It’s very apparent how his demeanor totally changed towards her in the rare messages he sent her back and forth. Yet he still sends messages to her from time to time as she apparently has “men troubles” and he gives her advice.

This is the important part. Until you two met in person, it probably didn't feel "real".

[Rezie]

I echo PP's. It sounds like he didn't feel the relationship was 'real' exclusive, monogamous relationship before you two met. The key is that it stopped immediately once you met. I can understand the beginning of a relationship without physical presence to be a confusing time. Naturally it is up to you if you can trust him.

[Redheart14]

Any update original poster?

[2Rocky]

I'm gonna tell you to let that go.

We all have previous relationships. Yours REALLY started once you met in person. It would be manipulative to hold that over his head.

More than likely he was at a point where he had to be sure you were the one. Kind of a "speak now or forever hold your peace" kind of declaration.

He chose you. Move on. Forgive.