Dealing with the distance while awaiting visa

[Siana]

My partner and I are awaiting a visa for the U.S. from UK. We hired a well respected immigration attorney to handle it for us. However, with Trump's changes, everything has slowed down. It's expected to take a year or more to get the visa. We got married in July this year.

I get little vacation time, mostly holidays. So, I am going over in November for a week and he is coming to me in December for a month. After December, we are probably only going to be able to see each other around March.

So, we will spend the majority of the year apart for months at a time.

My issue is that it's getting harder and harder to feel close to him when he's away. We get very close when we are together, spend lots of quality time together, include each other in our lives. And then when we separate, it just feels more like a break up than anything. He spends more time with his friends/family than me, so I don't get a lot of quality time. He doesn't give me much info on his days, unless I ask a million questions to get him to tell me. Last time we were apart 6 weeks and he barely wanted to voice call with me, 5 weeks went by and we only talked 6 hours total, while he was spending 6 hours in a day hanging out with his friends. I told him I needed more than that, so this time we agreed to at least have a call once a week. But, I'm still struggling to feel important when he spends 3 days in a row with friends, while I have to negotiate for a few hours a week. I feel more like the online friend that is there for when nothing more fun is going on IRL.

When I had my big meeting with our immigration attorney, I even asked him to be around in case I needed to talk to him about anything from it and he said he would... 30 minutes before the meeting, he tells me he's going to his friends house but he'll "be around" on his phone - getting 10-20 minute delays in messages, I just left him to be with his friends and wrote it off as he abandoned me the day of the meeting. He said he needed support from his friends to be able to be there for me for the meeting. But, it didn't really feel like he was "there" for it, it felt like I did it all on my own while he was off with his friends. I didn't even tell him about what went on til next day, cause I really didn't want to deal with the "between video game session" gaps in replies when trying to go over a complicated and important subject.

Which, I know my feelings are a bit unfair... he goes out a lot more when we are apart cause that's his way of coping with the distance. But, it sucks that I know he has so much spare time (not working atm but looking for a new job, not going to school, nothing keeping him except social outings of his choosing with other people) and I get so little quality time out of it. On top of he closes off a lot because he misses me. The fact he likes being with me IRL so much is the issue. Online just isn't the same after being together IRL. So, he pulls away from it.

And... on top of that, he isn't interested in me at all in a "mature" way when we aren't together. Though, I know there is a section for that (though I don't seem to have access to it yet), so I won't go into detail. But, yeah. Doesn't help me feeling like a wife over an online friend. Especially when he asks me to not flirt cause it makes him sad.

We used to play video games together, do calls a lot, talk anytime we had spare time, he'd tell me lots of things and open up to me about things he wouldn't with others. He'd be there if I needed him. We would flirt, a lot. But, the more we visit, the more the distance pulls us away from each other when we have to separate. It's only a year to wait until the distance disappears, but I don't like feeling like the relationship fades in the mean time. When we get back together IRL, things are good. But, given the majority of the year will be LDR rather than RL, this feeling like just a lower tier friend thing is not fun.

How do you guys cope with the instinct to pull away from what hurts you and hide in everything else? How can you keep the closeness with 4,000 miles separating you? How on earth can I get back to interacting with me being a good thing, rather than a hurtful thing that is a reminder of not having the relationship we both want (which is being able to give a hug if we want, not wait 2-6 months to be able to do it)?

[kittyo9]

It sounds like this has been a gradual thing as your relationship has progressed-- is that right? I'm not exactly in your situation and I don't think a lot of people are, but I can understand your feelings about it. It's very frustrating to feel separated both physically and emotionally, and getting married can add to the mix because a lot of times it's supposed to signal this "end" to the distance, but you're not really getting that "end" yet because you still have to wait for everything to come through.

It also seems like you've tried to address this with your SO-- asking him to spend more time with you, scheduling calls, etc. Unfortunately that's about as much as you can do in your situation, and I know you don't want to push things too far for fear of causing more problems rather than solving them. Your SO sounds like he is fairly extroverted and using his friends to distract himself, but that's obviously not a great solution when part of the problem is the (emotional) distance between you two.

As things are, my SO and I talk pretty much constantly when we're home, but our situations are very different from yours, so I don't think it's fair to compare and I will not be offended in any way if you want to ignore my input entirely. That said, if I were in your situation, I think I would ask my SO to schedule a call with me for like an hour every evening before bed (or something similar). If he isn't currently employed, he should easily be able to make time for that. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for some of his time every day. That way you'd also kind of be forced to focus on one another for that one hour every day, which might mean talking more about your days and connecting on a level that feels good. You can vent about dumb things happening around you or talk about what you're looking forward to-- maybe try to avoid talking about the visa process constantly since that might be a stress point for him that's making him less eager to talk to you. It might also be nice for you to take a break from thinking and talking about it, although I know it feels like it's everything sometimes.

I just finished my visa application process (PR Canada) myself, and now my SO and I are kind of just... keeping on with the distance until I'm able to leave my job here and move up to Canada. The application was a stressful time knowing that our future kind of depended entirely on the government of Canada.

A lot of times in the process I felt like I was doing everything myself. Much of that was because there wasn't really another option-- it was my application and there was nothing that my SO could do to help. It was frustrating and I vented my frustration to him often. He was always very supportive, but it was frustrating for him, too. One of my fears in a relationship is that it will turn one-sided, where I do all the work to close the distance and maintain the relationship while my SO just pulls back or takes advantage of my commitment. This happened with my previous relationship, and I've talked to my current SO about it a number of times, and he has reassured me often that he is fully committed and, more importantly, demonstrated that he wants to and will put in as much effort as I do. That's really important to me, and I sense that you might be encountering this kind of problem as well.

A little of it is just trucking on, but a lot of it is working with your SO to find something that feels okay to both of you. You've gotten married, so presumably you understand what each of you needs in a relationship and how you can work together to make each other feel valued.

I'm sorry you're feeling kind of stuck in your relationship-- please let us know how things go for you in the coming months!