Work against ldr - Any ideas?

[Bohemista]

Hello fellow long distancers. I have an issue that bothers me lately that has to do with probably classic long distance relationship problem. Me and my girlfriend, although we live and are from different countries, we managed to reach recently one year of being happily "together". However lately I feel that we entered the phase of being tired of not sharing a normal life. In my daily life, in my country, I'm working in a family owned business in the tourism sector. Due to my family ties I was able to pressure and to provide more visits at her country without risking of losing my job throughout the whole year. While she was, unable to come to my own country with the same frequency as me, because of her sick cat and the double expenses that she had to pay for the caring of her pet (this reason always felt quite weak but ok I'm not a cat person so let's skip that). Unfortunately last week I had an incident that made me really concerned about our point of views and the future prospect of this relationship. I had to cancel all of a sudden, an sport event that we planned and scheduled to participate at her country because of an important meeting that my office needed me to be. During our argue, she stated a lot of times that my work is making her feel that she is not my priority and that my work will always come first without allowing any time for making our own plans. My response was that she doesn't understand my position and that she could be more flexible since I can appoint different dates for our meeting. I'm not angry of why she took it hard or why she doesn't accept that this incident is hard for me too. Im not less involved or less in love than her however this is how i always get blamed for, in this one or in similar fights and I guess thats something that I can't bear. Fellow ldr colleagues i'm not looking for a who is right or wrong response from this thread. All I want is to just hear similar stories or thoughts and opinions about situations that work and everything that comes with it, comes against the future of the relationship. I'm really grateful for the space that this chat provides and thank you for you time.

[Rezie]

I've noticed that I put emphasis on stupid things due to being in LDR. Trivial things start to have more meaning and when you have put a lot of meaning on something that gets cancelled. It hurts. Also when you are getting sick of the distance then everything feels harder than it is. Do you have a plan to close the distance? Have you cancelled several times? Your gf is not being fair but then again we all feel things differently.

I have a feeling that her not visiting you bothers you. I totally understand not understanding her cat reason. But I also know that pet people will think of us as total monsters for thinking like this. It is something that won't change.

For me the hardest part was not having my bf with me as my date. He couldn't attend things due to distance and when there was finally an opportunity and we had all tickets booked his dad fell ill. I just lost it. His reason was totally valid and of course he should be with his family. What kind of monster would disagree? But I had put so much emphasis on this one thing that I couldn't handle it. But I calmed down and got over it. I'm sure with good communication you and your partner will aswell. Ask her why she feels that way and then you can explain your feelings.

[Lune]

Hi there

When it comes to work, especially in combination with time difference and so on it can be a tough topic at first to work out and see how there is still enough time for communication and the relationship when you cannot meet up whenever you want like it is in most LDRs unfortunately. Still working is a good thing, because it helps to get what everyone needs for traveling: Money to pay it all. How is it with her own work, what does she do?

With the "cat problem": I don't have a cat, yet when owning or having grown up with pets you just have a close bond to them and wanna do everything to make them feel good. Not having that bond with animals is no big thing but it really can go into the funds when they get sick and you have to pay the veterinary and take care of them as well and cannot easily go away from home. So I don't think it is a weak apology.
And if it was not the truth and an apology it would be more important maybe to talk about why she would wanna find an excuse for not being able to meet.

Coming back to the original topic, what is your own feeling? Are you often busy with work, how do you communicate the rest of the day when your shifts are over?
I have worked in different shift settings now and think it is important to have some communication every day, no matter how simple, just to have as much of this "normal day routine" with your partner as possible and having them included in the everyday life. I think you both should take time and talk with each other about things you wish for, things she wishes for and how you can meet in the golden middle or perhaps even discover things you did not notice til then so you can prevent future fights about it all that only bring both of you down.

All the best!