Hi all,
I need help to figure things out... I've known my SO for over 3 years, we met while sitting next to each other on a flight in May 2015. We stayed in touch with email messages going back an forth every month or so. We got to know each other, like each other, and support each other as our relationships were struggling to stay afloat. I saw her 2 more times with great pleasure as I was travelling for work often. In December 2016, she decided to terminate her marriage, after 7 years of emotional abuse and an loveless relationship. It was a rough patch, and we got closer then. On April 25th, 2017, I ended my own relationship after year of struggle. She was there to help me go through this, we started talking over the phone in the following month, and we got even closer. Each meeting, each call was warm and fuzzy, just easy, loving and caring. We decided in August that we should see each other to spend time together, which happening in September when I flew to her and we rented a cabin in the woods, in Cline River AB. We had the best weekend ever, with loving, intimacy, cooking, hiking and more. It just felt "right'. We started our journey.
We saw each other since several times, every 6-8 weeks on average. Toronto, Montreal, New York and more recently Nova Scotia were all fantastic moments, that was getting us closer, and just more in love. But from one time to the next, we just didn't know when we would be seeing each other again, and that was increasingly difficult to deal with. When we saw each other in last late June, I was hurting and suffering more before we reunited. I wasn't sure how long I would be able to hold on as the lack of physical touch was becoming unbearable. We made plans for what has been our last reunion so far, meeting in Nova Scotia for a week 2 months later, but i wasn't sure what would happen past that point. I suffered a lot, cried often and was asking myself a thousand questions as of how I could keep going while experiencing so much pain in the interim of our reunions... Then the questions...
I live in Brampton ON, I have 2 kids essentially living with their mom in the matrimonial home. We're in very good terms and I see them often. My daughter is 17 and my son 15 in December. I'm still years away from freedom, and hampered by a hefty financial contribution I'm making to my ex wife to support them. I live in a small basement apartment with very little. We're still in the process of getting divorced. My job doesn't allow me to travel anymore, and while Holly and I were talking every night, with messages throughout the day, making travelling arrangements is logistically complicated and financially expensive.
Holly lives in Calgary, she has 2 children, an 8-yo girl (dealing with severe episodes of anxiety) and a 6-yo boy, so she's even farther from freedom than I am. She works for the government, and moved to a new house in past July. So in other words, neither her nor I can possibly move for another 3-5+ years at the minimum.
I'm an analytic, and facing a situation where I cannot wrap my head around a "plan", or outcome, is difficult to grasp. I also come from an open relationship for the last 5+ years of my marriage, which had given me a freedom to explore my own sexuality back then. Now being in a monogamous, long distance relationship, while having physical needs of just "being" with someone, touching, holding hands, cuddling, etc has been really difficult. I have brought up this topic with care, and I've always been very transparent about my past relationship. She's at a very different stage, and opening up the relationship is just no an option. I was anticipating this, and was ok with her position, although the lack of her physical presence is just heart wrenching for me.
There are other questions past the physical presence. During all of our reunions, it's always been the 2 of us, in a bubble, with no or little external interactions. We don't know each other's friends, kids, of family. We have kept our relationship secluded from "real life", and from the outside. The time we spend together is special, where we just suffice to each other. No TV, electronics, etc. Board games, nature and bed time has always been enough. She's an introvert, and I'm ok with this.
Last week, after several discussions on the physical aspects and the struggles associated with it on my side, she decided to "set me free" and discontinue our LDR. We tried pulling the plug already a couple weeks back but just couldn't. I'm just devastated... She sent me an email asking for space as she's moving out of this relationship emotionally, also saying that she still feels the same for me but that we don't have the same needs. She seems to be dealing with the lack of presence a lot better than I can. I feel that I'm having issues with the dependency to physical contact, not necessarily sex, but just being with the person you want to be with and who makes you feel "full" and happy. She's everywhere in my life, postcards, phone, chats, memories. I cry all the time and can't get over this... but I hurt when I'm not with her... I keep thinking that this relationship is somewhat impossible. Why do we have to be so far apart?... this just feels unfair.
She's a fit at many levels, but at the same time, there is a lot of unanswered questions. I'm not 20 anymore either, and I "fear" being lonely again when I seem to have found the "one in a million". I spend a lot of time in my head, wondering what I should do, and whether I should just put my needs aside for as long as our relationship lasts, and find a way to make it work financially...
Right now, I feel sad, empty, and helpless... Any word of wisdom or encouragement is appreciated. Thank you...
I need help to figure things out... I've known my SO for over 3 years, we met while sitting next to each other on a flight in May 2015. We stayed in touch with email messages going back an forth every month or so. We got to know each other, like each other, and support each other as our relationships were struggling to stay afloat. I saw her 2 more times with great pleasure as I was travelling for work often. In December 2016, she decided to terminate her marriage, after 7 years of emotional abuse and an loveless relationship. It was a rough patch, and we got closer then. On April 25th, 2017, I ended my own relationship after year of struggle. She was there to help me go through this, we started talking over the phone in the following month, and we got even closer. Each meeting, each call was warm and fuzzy, just easy, loving and caring. We decided in August that we should see each other to spend time together, which happening in September when I flew to her and we rented a cabin in the woods, in Cline River AB. We had the best weekend ever, with loving, intimacy, cooking, hiking and more. It just felt "right'. We started our journey.
We saw each other since several times, every 6-8 weeks on average. Toronto, Montreal, New York and more recently Nova Scotia were all fantastic moments, that was getting us closer, and just more in love. But from one time to the next, we just didn't know when we would be seeing each other again, and that was increasingly difficult to deal with. When we saw each other in last late June, I was hurting and suffering more before we reunited. I wasn't sure how long I would be able to hold on as the lack of physical touch was becoming unbearable. We made plans for what has been our last reunion so far, meeting in Nova Scotia for a week 2 months later, but i wasn't sure what would happen past that point. I suffered a lot, cried often and was asking myself a thousand questions as of how I could keep going while experiencing so much pain in the interim of our reunions... Then the questions...
I live in Brampton ON, I have 2 kids essentially living with their mom in the matrimonial home. We're in very good terms and I see them often. My daughter is 17 and my son 15 in December. I'm still years away from freedom, and hampered by a hefty financial contribution I'm making to my ex wife to support them. I live in a small basement apartment with very little. We're still in the process of getting divorced. My job doesn't allow me to travel anymore, and while Holly and I were talking every night, with messages throughout the day, making travelling arrangements is logistically complicated and financially expensive.
Holly lives in Calgary, she has 2 children, an 8-yo girl (dealing with severe episodes of anxiety) and a 6-yo boy, so she's even farther from freedom than I am. She works for the government, and moved to a new house in past July. So in other words, neither her nor I can possibly move for another 3-5+ years at the minimum.
I'm an analytic, and facing a situation where I cannot wrap my head around a "plan", or outcome, is difficult to grasp. I also come from an open relationship for the last 5+ years of my marriage, which had given me a freedom to explore my own sexuality back then. Now being in a monogamous, long distance relationship, while having physical needs of just "being" with someone, touching, holding hands, cuddling, etc has been really difficult. I have brought up this topic with care, and I've always been very transparent about my past relationship. She's at a very different stage, and opening up the relationship is just no an option. I was anticipating this, and was ok with her position, although the lack of her physical presence is just heart wrenching for me.
There are other questions past the physical presence. During all of our reunions, it's always been the 2 of us, in a bubble, with no or little external interactions. We don't know each other's friends, kids, of family. We have kept our relationship secluded from "real life", and from the outside. The time we spend together is special, where we just suffice to each other. No TV, electronics, etc. Board games, nature and bed time has always been enough. She's an introvert, and I'm ok with this.
Last week, after several discussions on the physical aspects and the struggles associated with it on my side, she decided to "set me free" and discontinue our LDR. We tried pulling the plug already a couple weeks back but just couldn't. I'm just devastated... She sent me an email asking for space as she's moving out of this relationship emotionally, also saying that she still feels the same for me but that we don't have the same needs. She seems to be dealing with the lack of presence a lot better than I can. I feel that I'm having issues with the dependency to physical contact, not necessarily sex, but just being with the person you want to be with and who makes you feel "full" and happy. She's everywhere in my life, postcards, phone, chats, memories. I cry all the time and can't get over this... but I hurt when I'm not with her... I keep thinking that this relationship is somewhat impossible. Why do we have to be so far apart?... this just feels unfair.
She's a fit at many levels, but at the same time, there is a lot of unanswered questions. I'm not 20 anymore either, and I "fear" being lonely again when I seem to have found the "one in a million". I spend a lot of time in my head, wondering what I should do, and whether I should just put my needs aside for as long as our relationship lasts, and find a way to make it work financially...
Right now, I feel sad, empty, and helpless... Any word of wisdom or encouragement is appreciated. Thank you...
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