Back to distance, doubts and not sure what to do

[Rezie]

I need a place to vent and a bit of help. Me and my boyfriend closed the distance a year ago when I went to school in his country. Unfortunately I have not been able to find a job and I have to go back home. In addition to this I've had some doubts about our relationship and I've felt really homesick. I've done a lot of soul searching and tried to understand where these doubts come from. We are good together and he is a great guy. I think I've understood the core of my problem.

About two years ago I reached the breaking point where I needed to close the distance. He was suppose to move to me earlier but he couldn't find work, needed to save up more, wanted more work experience and deep down I think that reality hit him about how tough it is to live abroad. I'm not convinced his heart was at it since he wasn't very proactive. After this my mental health took a toll. I was really emotional and cried a lot, insecure, loss of confidence, anxious etc. I wasn't ready to give up and applied to school in his country and moved a year later. Everything has gone well. Obviously there has been ups and downs but nothing too intense. I just feel like I keept over analysing and trying really hard to put meaning on things.

I think I just realised why I feel this way. I think that two years ago I had my breaking point and when we still couldn't be together I accepted that it wouldn't happen. I subconsciously started planning my future instead of ours and my emotions were broken heart. Except we were/are still together. I feel like I've emotionally moved on from the relationship over the past few years. We still have great time together, but I think I kind of accepted that we are having a good time without this leading to forever. The future talks now feel like when kids say "when I grow up" which are not ideas without reality.

The thing is that he is now more certain than ever that we are meant to be. He is making serious future plans and is now totally down with moving and making necessary arrangements. He has been asking about my dream wedding and baby names and figuring out a timeline. Where as I'm struggling with this. Whenever he talks about our future my heart starts bounding in an anxious way.

We did have an initial talk about this. He understood and admitted that he has had years to study language, network, study and do things to make himself more employable. But he is saying that he is willing to do that now. Since this talk we have spend more time together, more closeness than the last year combined.

I just don't know anymore. I can't do the distance without knowing an end date that is very near. When I'm feeling like this I can't really be excited about moving abroad. I also feel guilty if he was to move to me when i feel this way. I also don't want to break up. I want to make it work, but I'm also so tired of thinking and feeling. I'm so torn and confused.

[Michelle]

He let you down in the past by not being more invested in your relationship when you did so much to be with him. Like you said, you aren’t convinced his heart was in it, but yours was. Now that he is saying all these things about your future together and how he is now willing to put in the effort it takes to be employable in your country, I can see how that would make you feel conflicted. Right now it is just a lot of talk. Maybe if you see him actually put in the work, you’ll start to believe it. And once he starts taking those steps, you’ll be able to set a goal date for him moving to your country.

You emotionally distanced yourself to protect yourself in case this doesn’t work out after you move back home. I think you’re tired of thinking and feeling because you’ve exhausted yourself from being the one to carry your relationship this far. Now it’s his turn. And maybe when he does, you will be able to let your guard down and be able to see a future with him as well.

[Rezie]

Thank you Michelle.

If someone else wrote what I wrote, i know what my advice would be. But when I'm in it myself it is so hard. When we first closed the distance there really wasn't a promise or definate agreement that he would move to me. It was more like a "We shall see". I feel like this has been our mistake. We have let the "let's see" part go on too long and I couldn't really be upset since there was no promises that were broken (if that makes sense). Also when there hasn't been a definite plan I feel like he hasn't had the motivation to do the language and school part.

The way he is talking now is totally different from before. But I just can't get excited about it. The vicious cycle is that when I'm feeling unsure, it demotivates him from using money for education and language classes. Which makes total sense. And if he does do it it would be another 1-2 years which does not sound good to me at all when I'm feeling like this.

I'm heading home tomorrow. Maybe a few weeks to apart to think will do some good.

[Rezie]

I need another vent. It's been about a month. It started fairly well. We video chatted every night. He initiated the calling and it was all veny nice. I just started to work so time went by quickly. Now I have had time to think again. I'm so tired of feeling all the time. He came over and it was very nice. I just had trouble lettin him in and be all affectionate and lovey dovey. Everytime he talks about the fruture I freeze. I gave myself a deadline to talk to him by the end of the year. But it's really bothering me that he is not really offering solutions. He was looking at schools and planning that, but the school starts in 6 weeks and he hasn't applied. Therefore I cannot take his planning seriously. Also becasue of everything I can't really see myself getting excited.

When we last talked I talked about staying there for another 1-2 years. He suggested extending it to 8 years but then agreed to the 2 years. I feel like I'm the one breaking a promise, but I just couldn't stay since I don't trust him to move in that time. I need to see that he is willing to integrate and do the work. I know moving is hard. I've done it a few times. I need to know he will stay before we start a family.

I'm plannig on talking to him in december. I'm planning on telling how I accpeted that we won't be together forever a few years ago and started pulling away (and just realised it) and how i need for us to have a definate plan. I was planning on suggesting that he applies for the september intake and then moved to me to do the course and applied for jobs while studying (possible with this course) or aternatively applied for the january intake and then apply for work here. I can't imagine turning 30 and still being in an LDR. The problem is that I feel like I'm giving an ultimatum. At the same time I'm asking what I need. But I am also I feel like I'm giving an ultimatum. I'm scared of the answer but I'm also so tired.

[Redheart14]

Sometimes an ultimatum is needed even if you don’t want to do it. Seems like you’ve been dancing to this tune for a long time and you desperately need a change, there’s nothing wrong with that. You owe it to him and yourself to be honest and upfront and it seems like you’ve made a decision and want this sorted by the time you’re 30. I can completely understand this but I think you need to talk about it sooner rather than later as you don’t want to run the risk of this talk falling over the Christmas period (especially if the talk doesn’t go well). It sounds like the sooner the better for you emotionally as well. I guess it’s like ripping off the band aid so to speak.

[Rezie]

Thank you for responding. It's weird reading own text. If this was someone else I would know my advice. But when living it, it's harder. It's been almost 7 years. We have lived together. We have spend a lot of time, travelled, planned a future and had hard conversations. But we are at a point where someday is not good enough.

We are meeting in December so that's why I was thinking of talking then. If I have the guts. Also I have myself a deadline that there has to be a plan by the end of 2018. I don't want to talk over the Christmas period (like the actual Christmas days) since then we are both visiting our own families and it's not appropriate other than that the holiday season is not a factor. I really do mind if it is not good outcome but then again im just happy with an outcome.*

I'm just really against ultimatums since they are not part of adult relationships. So I'm trying to keep an open mind and hear him out and come up with a timeline instead of a "this is what I want and therefore we have to do". But I'm no longer happy with "once I get a job". I really think this school thing could be a solution. But then another part of me feel like a total failure since I could solve everything. I could just move to him and the whole problem would be solved. On paper this make more sense but I just can't bring myself to it. I can't say with full confidence that we will be together forever since I've been pulling away and making 'me' plans for so many years but I do want to make it work.

[LisaS]

It sounds like when he disappointed you 2 years ago, he lost some of your trust. But trust can be rebuilt! I think in our hearts and minds we believe something when we have evidence, but it kind of works the other way around too — if you have faith in the relationship and it shows, it could encourage him to try harder with school, language, etc. This does take a lot of work with positive thinking and patience, but I think it would be worth it!

I also don’t agree with an ultimatum in this situation. You could just tell him what you want in life (live in your current city, be in a close-distance relationship) and see if he’s willing to work with you. It sounds like you two love each other so I hope you guys do find a way to close the distance soon!

[Rezie]

Thank you for your words. I think it is true that it works the other way around as well. But I also believe in honestly and deciding to have total faith and trust in a relationship is not something you can decide. If I don't feel it 100% due to what has happened then I shouldn't pretend. So there is a part of me that just wants to make it work but another part of me that needs to prepare myself for disappointment. We have been together for almost 7 years and discussed marriage and kids. It shouldn't be a suprise at this point that those require (for us) to live together in the same place and there needs to be actions to do that. I don't mean that it is up to him but I don't feel the openness from him. I think he is scared and in denial. This results me into feeling like it's up to me.

I would never give an 'or else' type ultimatum. But I'm struggling to figure out how to come up with a solution that isn't a type of ultimatum. I do think expressing me wanting to live together in 1 year is a type of ultimatum Unless he obviously suprises me and has thought about it and can offer a solution or agrees with the timeline. Over the years we have talked and talked and yet here we are. So I'm aware of the pattern. So for my own mental health I need a plan that is a manageable timeline (mine is a lot shorter than his. And if his is something I cannot handle then it becomes a type of ultimatum again).

I sound a lot more negative that it actually is. I just need to let this all out. It's always on the back of my mind but it doesn't stop me from enjoying time with him.

[LisaS]

It’s totally ok and understandable to feel frustrated! It sounds like both want to be together and are discussing the future but haven’t come up with an end date, which is very hard to deal with. It might just take several discussions to come up with a solution. I see an ultimatum as more of a threat, but if you have a discussion about how you’re feeling and want you want, then I think that is very reasonable. You’re just gathering information on whether you can continue your current situation.

[autumn1790]

I honestly can relate so much. After four years long distance, I too really want a plan in place to count on, some sanity in the insanity, a tangible plan for being together. It has really helped me to talk about it with him and just vent my feelings, and discuss possible backups to backup plans in case he doesn't get a job here after he graduates in the spring. There's still an ache afterwards, but at least I know he understands and is "on the same boat," as he says. Wishing you the courage and opportunity to get this out there, and for resolution to this matter.

[Rezie]

Thanks guys for the support. Obviously throught he years we have talked a lot and several times. Everytime we talk I feel a lot better. We come up with a semi-solution that is awys a nit abstract. It's just getting to the point where "when I get a job" is no longer a plan. I need a date. While "i need a job" is a great and understandable reason. At the same time if I don't see him putting the work. Then it causes me to distance. It's an annoying cycle. Actually today i got a sponsored post on social media of a job that is exactly what he does. I sent the link. He gets super excited and notices that it had closed earlier this morning. There was a contact email which is also the email to the rectuiter (that includes open apps) and is reluctant to send an application (including open app) email. And when he does the application he puts down the number to his phone from my country that he has access only on weekends. So I get slightly hopefull and then it's taken away (in a less dramatic way) and he doesn't see it as a big deal as I do. It's just so very confusing.

This is now a positive vent. I really like this community and wish it would be more active. I've read some other forums but their advice always seems to be divorce and breakup to everything. In one thread the genral concensus seeed to be that moving is easy. You are a total mammasboy/girl if you are not ok with seeing your family once a year. Because your new partner is your family and you need to grow out from them. Then there is just the general if you don't get what you don't want, just walk away but then if someone does it then they are a bitch. They also feel like it's totally normal to move all the time across the country and you need to accept it since otherwise you are just sad and haven't seen the world. I feel like here the feedback is more constructive and break up is only offered when it's called for. I liek it when I post I don't have to defend myself all the time. I can just vent and have a dialogue like I would with a friend. keep up the good work ladies and gents.

[Littlewhiteflower]

I also wrote on another forum and got the sane kind of feedback. "You and him should move on," "LDR are impossible" blah blah blah. Here, at least, we are all in the same boat. We can relate to how other people feel.

I'm in the same situation as yours. I'm waiting for my SO to find a job here so we can close the gap. We are getting married in september next year but I can't be excited for it because we don't even know if by that time, we will be able to live together.

I just think you need to stay optmistic. Life is hard sometimes but you have made it through all these years. A little bit of a patience might end up changing your life in the end.

[Rezie]

hanks for the reply! Other forums (including the LDR sections really suck).*

Im trying to stay optimistic. I've been doing a fair bit of reading (trying to evolve here) about relationships with people and with things. How it is hard to distinguish what is something that you need to work on and what is something that has run it's course. Like in a job. When it's just an adjustment problem that will pass and when it's just time to quit. Similarly in relationships when it's time to just have a leap of faith, when it's time to ride through the rough patch and when it's time to accept that it's no longer working. It's difficult to figure it out. I feel like I would be a lot more optimistic if I knew for a fact he was really movin. And when applying he would actually put a phone number that he answers (would not make me doubt his motives). It would help with the optimism.

I'm really trying to have patience but I also need something to hold onto. Just knowing that he is making 100% effort to be together would be a start. Or alternarively giving a list of things that is needed and an action plan of how to achieve it would be good aswell. Or alternatively figuring out what he is willing to do and what he isn't and then we can see if there are alternatives. My timeline suggestion (that is up to discussion) is about a year so it's not "give me everything now" and this has firstly been spoken several years ago so it's not a suprise. Also he is 10 years older than me and the most confident person I know. He is determined, knows his self worth, knows what he wants. It's just so weird that this is a subject that he somehow doesn't seem to be confident about.

This whole thing just has been a lot on my mind post visit. So it's coming across very negative. I appreciate that I can open up here. I do know I'll feel better soon. I also feel a lot of times when this is on my mind then I'll feel down on rather aspects of life. So it feeds it more.

Littlewhiteflower, You have established on where to move/Who will move and that you are defo going to be together. That is great! Also, try to get excited about the wedding. Even if you don't live together by then you are a step closer again and you know exactly what the goal and reward is 😊

[C.C.]

You know, if what you need right now is to know that his mind is 100% into it, you could try telling him that instead of "we need to move in year's time". It feels like you lost trust in the first place because you didn't see enough effort from him. Also you could tell him what you told us about you needing specific plans instead of abstract ones. I don't think either of these are ultimatums. And as you know already, you obviously should tell him how you feel and how it has brought you down over time.

I think writing these posts has helped you form your thoughts better as well and I'm sure and hopeful that you will feel much much better when you express all this with him with complete openness and without holding back. Hopefully he'll do the same as well. You seem like a nice couple and I hope it works out or that at least you will get a peace of mind.

Also don't guilt trip yourself for not moving to his place, if you had agreed that your country is better place to live at and raise kids at, then it's not your fault if he has hard time sticking to it. I mean moving is hard and I'm not judging him but it's just not one sided for you to ask him to move if it's been your mutual decision.

[Rezie]

UPDATE:

So we had an amazing weekend together. One of the best. There was a crack in a piece of furniture we had previously purchased together so my bf turned on his laptop so I could check if I can get a refund. When opening Firefox I noticed in the top sites was a dating site. I confronted him about it. He admitted having a profile but said that he has never messaged anyone. Apparently when I moved back he was very worried about us and went for a site that his friend uses to see what is available. He had no intention to meet anyone but just wanted to see if I break up with him that is there anyone worth dating.

Once I calmed down we had a talk. He was very apologetic and swearing that it was just him being insecure and wanting to see what is out there. He also said that he is willing to move to me this year (maybe even march, but preferably a bit later to save up) but would prefers me going there for a few years and then relocating together. He knows for a fact that he wants to be with me forever. But is worried about finding a job.

I'm more confused than ever. I can understand looking online on what is available when not feeling secure in the relationship. But actually creating a profile is taking it a step too far in my opinion. I feel tempted to believe that he hasn't approached anyone but I can't be 100% sure. I love the fact that he is willing to relocate but this was a curve ball. I'm feeling very anxious. I'm really wondering that if it's suppose to be this hard? Shouldn't this feel good? I feel anxious about every choise. Shouldn't after almost 7 years the thought of him planning our life feel good instead of creating anxiety?

At the moment I don't want to be in an LDR, I feel very uncertain about moving and very uncertain about him moving and I really don't want to not be with him. Into thing I do know is that I just want to stop stressing out about this. Does life work in a way that you decide something and it just means you are happy?