Need advice: Round 2

[Karringtyn]

Thank you, Zephii. I know what you're trying to say and it means a lot to me. Sometimes I wonder why I bother myself with her. I guess that's just how love works.

However we just had a big fight since I decided to discuss this with her. The whole privacy thing and the where to move thing evolved into a huge argument. Right now she's at the point where shes doubting her love, her trust and her faith in me. All I wanted was to make sure we're both happy. This relationship always felt 90% me and 10% her. Now it feels like we're on the verge on a break up and I'm left wandering what did I do wrong? Perhaps I didn't do enough? Maybe I did too much. I'm not sure.

I discussed everything I felt. All my desires and hopes for the relationship and this is the result. She got so angry at me. What did I do?

[edit]: I'll add the details later. I gotta go to culinary school now.

Kyle.

First of all....I want to say one thing right out.

YOU made the changes in YOU to start living again. Yes she sparked something in you...but you my dear have done all the hard work to get from sitting at home playing games all day to getting out there and LIVING again.

I don't doubt you love Lily. You have a beautiful care and concern for her. What she gives you back is what worries me.

Why does it always have to be you making the changes? Why is she always the one who seems to be in control?

Why is it when you pour your heart out...she freaks. She can't handle the truth. I think she feels like she is losing control over you when you start to think things out.

And I find it quite sad that you say it is 90/10.

Oh Kyle...please take a step back and look at what we all see.

We are all here for you...to vent to...be heard by,, and support you....I would love to hear the rest of this...

[Riyko]

First thing I want to say is Mofongo is really amazing, I love it (i've never been to PR, but I had a classmate in high school who was and her mom made it).

Secondly depending on what state she wants to move to she may have to know at least basic spanish (here in the part of Utah i live in, if you don't have at least basic spanish it's hard to find jobs because there are a lot of spanish speakers here).

When I can think of some more advice I will post it.

[KyleTheMan]

Thank you all for the replies and for all the concern and support. I really really appreciate it. Where to begin.

We where talking about our cultural differences. How her culture is slower paced when it comes to relationships. They marry later (apparently in their late 30s and early 40s) and that's why she must never feel the need to do anything for me. I began talking about my cultural differences. How different it is in the west and the fact that she's planning on marrying me. A western man. So i told her that she needs to understand me and my culture. My needs. My desires. Its true, her culture doesn't get too serious romantically so early usually. Seeing how stressed she is with work, i'm guessing this time in their lives, Thai people use it for working and building their education. So i understand her perfectly.

Then she told me why she doesn't seek for privacy. I talked to her best friend and she agrees with me and she's Thai too. Her friend gets plenty of privacy and wants Lily to get some too, so its no cultural thing. Lily herself told me that she knows perfectly well that her mom wont mind giving her more privacy. Then i asked her about her other issue, getting internet connection in other rooms other than the living room. I suggested lots of ways for her to fix it and she told me i was right and knew about them. So i was like "So... why haven't you done it by now?". Her response? "Because i don't want to.".

But i then started talking about other things and told her that this relationship needs to be 50/50 from now on. Culture wise and everything. She needs to speed up her pace and find ways to make me happy because i'm in this relationship too. I'm part of this. A serious relationship, not some childish thing. I in turn told her i would try and slow down a little. I wont ask her for as many things as long as she satisfies me in the things i do ask for. I think that's a fair and happy medium.

We began to agree but then she told me she cant remember anything i've done for her lately. We began to start fighting. I pointed out at the little poem reading i made for her. The two new videos i filmed for her that she still hasn't watched. The 5 different packs of pictures i sent her, each with over 50 different pictures. She began to play dumb. "Oh? So all that makes it okay for you to start another fight over the same things?" I told her "Lily, enough, stop playing dumb. You know exactly why we always go back to this". Then all hell broke loose. "So i'm the one who's supposed to change? What if i do? We'll be back fighting on this same thing like we always do!" she said. She began to tell me how she's sick of fighting over these things. How I don't understand her. How i need to be stronger and less weak for her. She began to doubt her trust, her love and her faith in me. We got offline shortly after. Angry.

Being the nice guy that i am i tried sending her some messages to her twitter account. Told her to really think and to try and reconsider. To try and talk some more. The next day i get a private message on twitter saying "Lets move on then. But i hope you think before you talk from now on". Which sounded kind of like a threat to me. I replied "Okay, but i hope you remember that i'm in this relationship too. I have needs and desires just like you".

Later that day she got online and we talked. We tried to see how we could possibly fix things. I asked her what does she expect from me as her boyfriend. She said she wanted me to be stronger and more dominant. I'm not sure exactly what she wants me to do with that. I'm pretty strong, sensitive but strong in my own way. I told her i would do it. But i let her know that its unrealistic to expect one to be strong at all times. Its impossible, i'm human, not a robot. She agreed and told me that she doesn't expect me to be. But then i told her "But what about a few days ago? I really needed you and what did you do? You called me weak again and went to work." She blamed it on stress and work. I told her all the things i expect from her. All of it. She agreed to do all of them. We talked some more and then she went to bed.

Things seem fine for now. I hope they stay that way but she's always felt like the dominant one to me in the relationship. Her friends tell me she's "bossy" and that she's always been that way. Maybe she wants me to change to be the dominant one? Haha, it seems i have to change myself even more if that's true. I'm usually right in the middle, really. Not too dominant but not too submissive.

I do have a confession to make though. Some of you are aware of my 6 year "gaming prison" as i call it. Well... Lily is my first girlfriend. I never thought i could find love. I always thought i would be alone and then i found her. Like you guys have said, that sparked change in me. I became the man i am now because i found her. I was able to pretty much change myself from a depressed fat loser to an extremely sexy thin man with lots of interests in the culinary arts, fitness and nutrition. So... yeah. I've been thinking a lot about what Zephii said these past few days. "I could do better than her". I could and i can. But... yeah. Lily is my first and deep down i'm afraid to let her go no matter how bad things get. So i fight really hard to keep her loving me. Even if its me making all the changes. You guys are right though, totally. She sparked the change, but i and my determination made that change happen.

Will things between me and Lily get better now? I hope so. I really do. But Zephii's words are still ringing in my head. All i know is that... if i ever meet a woman that's willing to make me happy in so many ways and more than Lily ever can... i wont say no. Lets hope Lily can become that woman but if not... if i find another, CD or LD, then... yeah. I feel terrible just admitting that. That i would leave Lily for another like that. But i have dreams i want to realize. I dream of owning a house and having a loving wife and a daughter. Kyle would go home from work and begin cooking apple pies for his girls. One happy family. That's one dream i'll make come true. I swear it.

[Edit]:

@Mio Boricuuaaaaaa! Hehe, Do you mind giving me some links on info about immigration? Maybe it'll help when if i discuss these things with Lily again.

@Riyko Absolutely. If i had to pick a favorite meal. It would be Mofongo with Cuban-style stir fried rice. Thank you for that info. That'll come in handy i'm sure!

@Eternity I think you're right. She's always felt like the more dominant one and even her friends call her "Bossy" or "Princess". Now that i'm actually trying to get what i want, she's starting to resist. Losing control as you say. Thank you very much for the nice post. You made lots of good points and i've been thinking about them. Thank you, yeah i did those things not Lily. I'm still studying hard and trying to land that job, i have a few hoops to jump through at the moment when it comes to that, but i'll do it just fine soon. I'm trying my best everyday so i can be the best Chef i can be.

@Zephii Thank you very much. You're all so nice around here. If not for you guys i would be letting Lily get her way all the time. I dont think i would have fought back this hard to make our relationship fairer if not for this website and its amazing community. You made lots of good points too and i've been thinking about them too.

@Karringtyn Yeah, you're absolutely right. Infact, she wont support me in the fact that i'm giving up gaming. She things its a stupid decision. But then, she plays them too so its natural. I'm not letting those games waste another second of my life. I did those things. And i'll make my dreams come true. Hopefully things will be better now. I wont let Lily have her way like that anymore. Its 50/50 from now on and i'll make sure it stays that way. Knowing her though, i doubt she'll last long before falling back into her old pattern.

[lisaar910]

I'm not going to comment on your whole situation because I don't think I know enough about it to give advice, but I think it's good that your admitting to yourself that you would possibly be willing to be in a different relationship to make yourself happy. That's important and the first step to moving on with your life. Even with people telling you that you deserve better, YOU have to be ok with that, and I think you're on the path of doing exactly that. It takes a lot of courage and strength to make a change like that. I was in a relationship for 3 years that I fought and fought to make it work, but I know now (and hopefully you will eventually too) that a relationship shouldn't be that hard.

[Karringtyn]

I AM glad to read this update.

If you settle for anything less than you deserve Kyle...then all the hard work YOU have done these past few months...will all be in vain.

It is ALLL about taking care of you and allowing yourself love and RESPECT.

Respect in a relationship is vital. Not being blamed...pushed around...and made to feel inferior.

I fell in love with my SO for who he is. Demanding he change some of the things about him that caused me to fall in love with him..is ludacrious.

We are all here....encouraging you to stand up for you.....

[KyleTheMan]

Just a little update, i hope i'm not bothering anyone.

Talked to her today again. Everything seemed fine. We talked about some researching i did on the whole moving to US thing. I told her how hard it is to live in NY and how hard it is to get a job over there. She said that it'll be easy for me and that we shouldn't worry. I didn't wanna cause an argument so i just didn't say anything. I told her how some states need basic Spanish knowledge as a job requirement like Riyko said. She just shrugged it off "You know Spanish and we'll pick a state that doesn't have that! No worries!". Overall today's chat felt good but something wrong. Something odd in me.

Writing "I love you" took more strength than usual. Those words are something that you type without even trying and i had to force myself to say it. Maybe i'm feeling depressed. Maybe the flame of love is extinguishing. Maybe its both. Maybe its neither. We had a little webcam time set up for today (Well, she would get to see me. She doesnt have a webcam). I was looking forward to that for a while now and i just told her i wasn't in the mood for it. She asked me if i was feeling okay. I am, i just feel kind of tired. That's what i said. Its true too, i've been exercising a lot using a new workout routine. Maybe that's it.

@lisaar910 To be honest, having a different relationship is something i've been thinking for a while now. I've been thinking about it a lot. Lily is my first girlfriend and it took me 6 years to find her. I guess deep down this layer of confidence i put up i'm actually afraid that i wont ever find the person that will make me that happy, so i stick with what i got. My parents always taught me to always appreciate what i have. Maybe that rule doesn't apply to relationships, but i cant help it i guess! Hehe.

I always thought all these fights where normal for relationships, especially long distance ones. I thought that i just need to man up and get over it. This is how things are. But you say relationships aren't that hard. I'm trying to imagine that, it sounds great. Assuming it would be another LD relationship. She would love me as much as i love her? She would do things for me as often as i would for her? She wouldn't judge me when i'm weak or force me to change who i am? She would accept me as i am, despite my flaws? Her biggest dream would be the same as mine, being together despite where we live? She wouldn't blame everything on culture differences? She would actually be excited about being intimate with me instead of me being the one begging all the time?

If that's how a relationship is supposed to be, then it sounds like the most amazing thing in the world. I think of myself as lucky to have Lily. But to be in a relationship like the one above, who needs money? A relationship like that is the biggest and best gift in the world. So yeah, i am okay with that. To be honest, i've been okay with that for a while now. I just didn't want to admit it.

@Karringtyn Thank you very much. I really appreciate your posts and advice.

[Karringtyn]

Just a little update, i hope i'm not bothering anyone.

. But you say relationships aren't that hard. I'm trying to imagine that, it sounds great. Assuming it would be another LD relationship. She would love me as much as i love her? She would do things for me as often as i would for her? She wouldn't judge me when i'm weak or force me to change who i am? She would accept me as i am, despite my flaws? Her biggest dream would be the same as mine, being together despite where we live? She wouldn't blame everything on culture differences? She would actually be excited about being intimate with me instead of me being the one begging all the time?

If that's how a relationship is supposed to be, then it sounds like the most amazing thing in the world. I think of myself as lucky to have Lily. But to be in a relationship like the one above, who needs money? A relationship like that is the biggest and best gift in the world. So yeah, i am okay with that. To be honest, i've been okay with that for a while now. I just didn't want to admit it.

@Karringtyn Thank you very much. I really appreciate your posts and advice.

First of all...you are never a bother.

Yes. A relationship can be wonderful. Where it is both ways. Where the other one doesn't try to manipulate and control you. She frustrates the heck out of me. She is so mean to you sometimes and you are just thankful for some attention I don't think you see it.

Don't ever settle Kyle. For if you settle...while you are settling the person just for you could be passing you by.

What is your pay off in this relationship? I am curious as to what your answer will be. What is YOUR payoff? What do YOU get from being in a relationship with Lily?

And you are welcome....

[KyleTheMan]

What is your pay off in this relationship? I am curious as to what your answer will be. What is YOUR payoff? What do YOU get from being in a relationship with Lily?

I've been thinking about your question all day. What do i get from my relationship with Lily? Honestly, i'm not exactly sure how to answer the question. What do i get? I don't know. She keeps me company. She gives me something to look forward to each morning since she always messages me each time i wake up. She also gives me something to look forward to when it comes to the future. I don't make friends easily. Lily talks to me each day. I guess... that's it.

[Zephii]

*is sad* aww mate, no you're not a bother at all.

But, it's not that some relationships can be like that all magical and equal and stuff, it's that they should be. It's what you deserve. Someone who loves you for you, someone who wont change you, someone who gets joy out of being there for you and looking after you and who also gets joy from your successes. Someone who puts you and your needs first knowing you'll be there doing the same for them.

Never settle.

I wasted 5 years of my life with a man who didn't deserve me because I thought I was being too judgmental, that I was expecting too much. I thought no one would ever love me or need me as much as he did. And now I look back and see how much of a fool I was, how much of my own life I dedicated to staying unhappy.

I'm going to tell you something I wish someone had told me. Life is nothing like hollywood. Sometimes there is no "bad guy". In a relationship, sometimes there isn't a person who's in the wrong... but those two very good people are not always suited to making each other happy in a romantic partnership. If you decide to give up, know that you're not saying there's something wrong with her or that she's a bad person, and nor does there have to be anything wrong with you - nothing that will stop you finding love again.

Your preservence is admirable... you know that right?

Don't feel like you can't come here and talk. Let it all out, repeat yourself until you understand everything perfectly if you need to, don't worry about anything else. Let us be a sounding board for you, and if we can help we will.

[KyleTheMan]

*is sad* aww mate, no you're not a bother at all.

Don't feel like you can't come here and talk. Let it all out, repeat yourself until you understand everything perfectly if you need to, don't worry about anything else. Let us be a sounding board for you, and if we can help we will.

Alright, i'll do just that. This week has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. More like... an emotional space ship or something extreme. I'm not being myself. My exercise workouts are harder to complete when i'm feeling down. I'm not eating past my maintenance calorie intake like my current workout requires. Work is harder to finish. Heh, i've been kinda messy and i guess i didnt want to make any more messes. But i'll keep that in mind. Thank you very much.

But, it's not that some relationships can be like that all magical and equal and stuff, it's that they should be. It's what you deserve. Someone who loves you for you, someone who wont change you, someone who gets joy out of being there for you and looking after you and who also gets joy from your successes. Someone who puts you and your needs first knowing you'll be there doing the same for them.

Never settle.

I wasted 5 years of my life with a man who didn't deserve me because I thought I was being too judgmental, that I was expecting too much. I thought no one would ever love me or need me as much as he did. And now I look back and see how much of a fool I was, how much of my own life I dedicated to staying unhappy.

I'm going to tell you something I wish someone had told me. Life is nothing like hollywood. Sometimes there is no "bad guy". In a relationship, sometimes there isn't a person who's in the wrong... but those two very good people are not always suited to making each other happy in a romantic partnership. If you decide to give up, know that you're not saying there's something wrong with her or that she's a bad person, and nor does there have to be anything wrong with you - nothing that will stop you finding love again.

Your preservence is admirable... you know that right?

Okay, so... relationships aren't like that but they should be? So you're saying all relationships have some problems right? So in getting in a different relationship, i would be trading one set of problems for another. I guess these new problems could be smaller and more manageable. Maybe this other person simply wont like the way i cook a Risotto. Maybe she wouldn't like my taste in music or the way i exercise in the living room. Instead of being immature, demanding and manipulative.

All i know is that i'm a firm believer in communication and trust in a relationship. Every time i felt something wrong in the relationship, i always told Lily about it and talked about it. If i did something she didn't like, i would stop or do it differently. She did the same sometimes except for certain things obviously. I still have to fight hard with her to get a small set of pictures.

I always do my best to make her happy. I've made her so many things and poems and silly pictures, videos, voice clips. I've sent her several packages and letters. Romantic letters too, some of which she's never read. I've never recieved anything from her aside from about 30 pictures of her while i've sent her thousands by now.

Settle. That word implies there is someone better out there for me. Will i find her? What if i don't? Will living alone for the rest of my life be better then being with her? Wouldn't that be settling? What if i do find her? How long would that take? It took me so long to find my Lily. Will it take as long? What if it takes a long time? Wouldn't i be lonely? It'll feel like my past 6 years. That solitude. That crushing loneliness. I don't wanna feel like that again.

Love changed me. I wouldn't be here if not for Lily. I know i did these things myself. But she sparked those changes. I've known her for 2 years now. We've been a couple for 6 months. Even if these past 2-3 months have been kind of rocky. She feels like family to me. Breaking up with her would feel like stabbing a family member's back. How can i possibly do that? Hurt someone so badly. For what? So i can find someone better? Wouldn't that make me the selfish one? I'm supposed to be the man in the relationship. My dad tells me that we never show weakness. We never feel down. That's what a real man is like. According to him anyways. My mother's opinion is much like your own.

But then my dad drinks a lot. He's never drunk but he drinks a lot. Me? I've never had a sip of alcohol that isn't wine or champagne and even those i drink on rare special occasions and in limited portions. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs or anything. I'm 100% clean. I exercise regularly and i eat healthy. Maybe the lack of substance abuse makes me more prone to sensitivity and weakness as Lily calls it. Eh... i like being healthy. But i don't want to be called weak.

Then there's the fact that i'm way better at English than i am with Spanish... and i live in a Spanish speaking country. Its supposed to be the other way around! But its not, i'm terrible at Spanish and its hard to hold conversations with people. Which explains my lack of friends and my dependency on the computer for socializing. In Culinary school i'm refereed to as "the quiet one". I used to have self-esteem issues with this but i'm okay with it now. I can dedicate more time to studying and paying attention to class rather than wasting time talking like my classmates do. But it doesn't help with my socializing situation. I'm getting straight As though! I'm happy about that.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that finding the one who is right for me will be harder than it should be if its close distance. Then there is long distance again. The internet is an enormous place. I found Lily by sheer accident. I remember my first conversation with her felt magical. I wanted to keep talking to her. Eventually it evolved into this. Such humble beginnings and now... this.

I remember a few weeks ago the topic of seeing each other naked via webcam came up. She said she would never do that for me. I said i would do it for her if she really wanted me to. She told me she isnt ready for that yet and i said "Of course, not now! I'm saying in the future, like... a year from now!". Then she said "Hmm.. maybe. But only if you have lots of muscle by then.". Haha, always expecting a lot. Always trying to change me somehow. You would think that if your SO loves you, they would love your body no matter what.

Give up. That implies i'm letting something good or something with potential to be rewarding go. I give up video games. Video games are worthless to me. They helped me waste 6 years of my life. Who knows where i would be right now if i never wasted those 6 years. I could be working in some amazing restaurant by now. I would have gained so much experience. Met so many people. Made my parents so proud. But i wasted them on computer simulations. Video games are worthless and i didn't give them up. I abandoned them.

But Lily, giving her up. If i stay strong she could change. If i remain patient maybe she'll have enough free time and privacy to make me happier. Maybe. Perhaps. I dont know what i'm talking about anymore. I'm rambling. Writing out my thoughts as i think them.

Without her i would feel so alone. So lonely. But... i'm planning on visiting her when i graduate from culinary school. What if the visit is terrible? What if it goes great? What if i give her up? What would i do? Perhaps i would take that specialized pastry chef course in Culinary school. I'm taking culinary arts, which teaches a little bit of everything. But that specialized pastry course teaches how to make absolutely everything you can think of that goes in a bakery and even wedding cakes and huge cake cultures and masterpieces. Its really tempting and it would be great for my career to have that knowledge.

I don't know what to do. Everyone seems to think i can do much better than her. Maybe even i think that. But... i don't know. I have a lot of thinking to do...

[Edit]: Lily's awake right now... i don't feel like talking to her. I'll tell her i had a power failure. I need time to think.

[Zephii]

Okay, so... relationships aren't like that but they should be? So you're saying all relationships have some problems right?

Forgive me, I am dyslexic and sometimes I say shit backwards. Let me try again. I mean that not all relationships are as beautiful and fulfilling as they should be, because people settle, for whatever reason. But they can be! They can be the most amazing thing... Love can be perfect. People can fit together like puzzle pieces, without changing themselves.
But yes, you're right, all relationships have some issues. Often hang-ups from old relationships, or personal insecurities. But there has to be a limit to what you'll put up with.

I'm going to go at this from another angle because you're already doing lots of thinking, and you seem smart and logical. So bear with me. Look at marriage though-out history. It's only relatively recently that people began to marry for love rather than security. And there are still many other practical reasons that go with marriage/life long partnerships... some of which are why people who are not good for each other still stay together. So, look at your future from two different directions. Picture your life with lily - as the person she forces you to become. Picture your children, your home, your job, your relationship with your parents and siblings. Think of everything you can, and ask yourself if you like what you see. Is it a future you want? Will she support you in your personal dreams and lift you up when you need it? Will helping her achieve her goals make you feel fulfilled? Are the timelines for your goals similar?
Then picture yourself alone, focusing only on you and your own dreams. Do you like the person you'd become without her interference? Do you think your family relationships would be better off? would your opportunities be better? Think up how you would do it if you were all alone. Knowing you can do it alone puts things into perspective.
Is being with her, regardless of emotions, still practical? Or could you be shooting yourself in the foot if in 5-10 years you decide you can't take her manipulation anymore.

Thinking of which - imagine her manipulating your children like that too. Is that something you want? Do you think she'd be a good mother to your kids? A good wife to you? (aside from emotionally) Can she fill the roles you would expect your woman to fill?

Settle. That word implies there is someone better out there for me. Will i find her? What if i don't? Will living alone for the rest of my life be better then being with her? Wouldn't that be settling? What if i do find her? How long would that take?

I'm willing to bet there is something better out there for you, but I'm biased. People are naturally attracted to happy confident people. As long as you are happy living your life and doing the things you love, someone will find you. The dedication you show to lily is something a lot of women crave. You might meet another woman over the net, or maybe you could take time to travel to some English speaking counties? Even if you don't find a lady, you'll still have a great experience. There is no limit to what you can achieve - only the limits you put on yourself.

If i stay strong she could change.

Is wanting her to change any different from her wanting you to change? Isn't it better to find someone who is already perfect for you rather than trying to change someone who isn't? What if she doesn't change? Can you accept her as she is?

You would think that if your SO loves you, they would love your body no matter what.

This is true. I find her words very hurtful You fall in love with what's inside a person and then, no matter the package, you see them as beautiful/attractive/desirable, because something inside them calls to something inside you. Yes, we all have preferences, but love tends to over-ride them.

i'm planning on visiting her when i graduate from culinary school. What if the visit is terrible? What if it goes great?

How soon would this be? Is it a viable option to wait it out or would you be wasting years of your life?

Again I am sorry for you pain Hang in there.

[KyleTheMan]

Talked to her again today. We talked a bit about stuff. I talked about Nutrition and fitness and my latest workout routine. She told me its a good thing i'm into these things because its manly. Hehe.

I'm going to go at this from another angle because you're already doing lots of thinking, and you seem smart and logical. So bear with me. Look at marriage though-out history. It's only relatively recently that people began to marry for love rather than security. And there are still many other practical reasons that go with marriage/life long partnerships... some of which are why people who are not good for each other still stay together. So, look at your future from two different directions. Picture your life with lily - as the person she forces you to become. Picture your children, your home, your job, your relationship with your parents and siblings. Think of everything you can, and ask yourself if you like what you see. Is it a future you want? Will she support you in your personal dreams and lift you up when you need it? Will helping her achieve her goals make you feel fulfilled? Are the timelines for your goals similar?
Then picture yourself alone, focusing only on you and your own dreams. Do you like the person you'd become without her interference? Do you think your family relationships would be better off? would your opportunities be better? Think up how you would do it if you were all alone. Knowing you can do it alone puts things into perspective.
Is being with her, regardless of emotions, still practical? Or could you be shooting yourself in the foot if in 5-10 years you decide you can't take her manipulation anymore.

Thinking of which - imagine her manipulating your children like that too. Is that something you want? Do you think she'd be a good mother to your kids? A good wife to you? (aside from emotionally) Can she fill the roles you would expect your woman to fill?

Picturing a future with her seems hard. I'm guessing i would need to find a job as soon as i graduate from Culinary school. Then find some way to move to the US or else she wouldn't make the move. Once we're there we would get married and... we would get our jobs and stuff. I imagine i would need to work harder than i should. I imagine i would go back home exhausted only to cook some more because if i know her, she would refuse to cook. I imagine we wouldn't get intimate when i really need it. She would blame it on culture or something. Haha, even when it comes to sex, she tells me there are a lot of things she wouldn't do for me. While i would do everything she wants. She says that's fair. Hahaha. Because of apparently that's what gentlemen are supposed to do. Even then, i'm guessing i would sleep on the couch for the first few months. She says she's not used to being around men. Especially men that sleep without their shirts (Ding ding ding, that's me!). So it would be couch time for Kyle for quite a while.

Then i would be without my family. She would be without hers. Living just us two in the US. An unknown country to both of us. I'm guessing we would get lost and need to carry a map at all times. We would get late for work. She would get homesick and we would need to take trips to Thailand. Which are very expensive. I'm not sure if she would be willing to visit PR with me to see my parents. Probably not.

Then there is our children. She says she wants a daughter and no less. I want a daughter but i would be happy with either a son or a daughter. I don't want her to be like my aunt. She abandoned her first son because of his gender. She then had a daughter and she gave her all the attention and love. I don't want Lily to be like that. I don't want my children to go through that. Any child of mine deserves a life full of love and attention. No matter how they're born.

A future with Lily looks... very difficult. Without her i suppose i would take that extra Pasty specialization course in my Culinary school. To add more knowledge and experience. I would work and work in Hotels and Restaurants until i get a break to work in some English speaking country. I mean, i would only do that if its an amazing job, you know? But it sounds great to me. Perhaps i can find someone in that time that deserves me. I'm a great man. I grew up with kind and loving parents and i have a lot of love to give to someone. I have lots of dreams to fulfill. I love exercising and nutrition. Perhaps i would be a Personal Trainer on the side or maybe even a Nutritionist. Maybe both! Haha, i really like both proffesions! I really like cooking too! Chef Kyle the Nutritionist, Personal Trainer! Hehe, it sounds nice, right?

But to keep Lily happy i would need to sacrifice a lot since she demands so much from me. She cant even send me simple pictures of her that i ask for. So i cant imagine her doing something for me when we're together. It would be me taking her out and keeping her happy while deep down i would be feeling lonely and unappreciated.

I think you're right. I talk to my dad about Lily all the time. We seem to fight all the time now. My dad even has a thing he always tells me whenever i talk to him about her. Even if its a good thing. He always says "I'm telling you, that woman will be the end of you. Me and your mother never fought when we where boyfriend/girlfriend". They've been together for 25 years and counting.

I'm willing to bet there is something better out there for you, but I'm biased. People are naturally attracted to happy confident people. As long as you are happy living your life and doing the things you love, someone will find you. The dedication you show to lily is something a lot of women crave. You might meet another woman over the net, or maybe you could take time to travel to some English speaking counties? Even if you don't find a lady, you'll still have a great experience. There is no limit to what you can achieve - only the limits you put on yourself.

I'm happy right now, aside from my whole Lily situation. Culinary school is great. I love exercising and reading up about nutrition stuff. I'm slowly becoming a walking encyclopedia. Without her i would be lonely but maybe not that lonely. I used to be a shut in, never going out during those 6 years. I go out regularly now. My relationship with my family has improved since i actually talk to them now, hahaha. Sometimes fights between me and Lily cause me to lose a workout or run out of time to cook lunch.

I have a lot of love to give. I've always said that i would treasure any woman i fall in love with. So with Lily, i did everything i could to make her happy despite our distance. I just wish she would do the same. But she has no interest in that. She... takes advantage of me and my love. Dedication huh? Yeah, it feels good to know a lot of women would love this quality of mine. I'm determined and dedicated. Honest and loving. Yeah, i'm sure i can find someone else. I gotta remember that i'm an individual. My self-worth isn't dependent on whether or not i have a girlfriend or not. I'm strong and intelligent. Dedicated. Good looking. Kinda quiet sometimes but i guess that's me. The strong silent type even though i can talk for ages when the right topic is dished out. I'm sure i can find another more deserving of me. I'm sure of it.

I have lots of plans for my future. I wish to live in an English speaking country one day. If i find a girl i like on the net then that's okay too. I have nothing wrong with Long-distance relationships. In the end, its Lily that wouldn't make me happy, not the long distance.

You're right. I'm not dependent on a woman to be happy. That's an extra. A bonus to my life. I have to be happy with everything and i am. I'm gonna achieve all my goals and fulfill all my dreams. There's no question about that.

How soon would this be? Is it a viable option to wait it out or would you be wasting years of your life?

I was thinking after i graduate on December 2011. it'll cost a ton of money. But... i'm thinking on using that money now on that extra pastry course...

So right now... i'm at a cross roads in life. All signs are pointing me to the "Break up with Lily" path. Where does that road lead to? I have a vague idea. But... is it the right thing to do? Lily seems fine right now, we aren't fighting at the moment. She still isn't doing much for me. I'll still stay around these forums even if i'm single again. I mean, i like it here and it would help with the loneliness a lot.

So i should break up with her? How do i do that? How soon? She's my best friend. The best friend i've ever had. Breaking up with her will end it all. No more Lily. No more best friend. I need to think this through. Today i asked her "Lily, if you could change something about me, what would you change?". She just asked me "Uhh... are we gonna talk about this again? I don't wanna fight!". I just said "I guess not. I'll let you go relax then". She responded with "Phew! Sounds good!".

I'm guessing she would have said i need to change a lot.

[Rach321]

Hi Kyle,
I know I haven't had the chance to write on your posts yet, but I have been reading. My heart hurts for you in many ways. You really do seem like a great person and a real catch as a boyfriend. It's good that you're thinking through things from all sides. Your answers to Zephii's questions really do seem like you're leaning toward a breakup. I want to remind you that breakups happen all the time, even when the people involved do love each other. If it doesn't work out with Lily, you haven't failed. You've done everything you possibly could. Has she?

No one should be asked to change so much for their partner. It's wonderful that this relationship has helped you to improve your life and your health in really major ways, but sometimes that all relationships are for- to guide us through a certain part of our life. Helping you to improve your life is not the same thing as setting you up for a lifetime of never being quite good enough. There are expectations that are unrealistic and unhealthy. From what you've said, she seems to have some very unhealthy expectations for you. Basically, you are expected to be her everything, follow her every whim, but she would never do the same for you? That's not right, and I don't believe that to be true love. It may be love, but it's not the kind of love you deserve.

I have learned this: Until you give life a chance to bring you something better, you won't get anything better. In your case, until you make a change and give your heart space to love again, there probably won't be other options. Even if you do choose to remain with Lily, you have got to find a way to set up some clear boundaries and your own expectations.

Can you take some time to sit down and write out what your perfect relationship, your perfect woman would be? It seems that Lily has already decided this. Perhaps you could too? This might be a place to start to help you decide how to express to her that this relationship isn't healthy for you.

No relationship is perfect and no person is either, but if two people in a relationship are able to come to agreement about what they can accept as failings in their partner and what they can't, it makes that relationship stronger. If expectations are incompatible and no compromise can be reached, I truly feel that at least one person in that relationship is always going to be unhappy.

And we don't want to see you be unhappy, Kyle.

[KyleTheMan]

Hi Kyle,
I know I haven't had the chance to write on your posts yet, but I have been reading. My heart hurts for you in many ways. You really do seem like a great person and a real catch as a boyfriend.

Thank you, that means a lot to me. Really.

You've done everything you possibly could. Has she?

No. One of the things that could improve our relationship a lot is her getting more privacy. She admited herself that her mother wouldn't mind at all and that it would be an easy issue to fix for her. We would have more time to do more things together. But she simply told me that her reason for not doing it is: "Because i don't feel like it".

I have learned this: Until you give life a chance to bring you something better, you won't get anything better. In your case, until you make a change and give your heart space to love again, there probably won't be other options. Even if you do choose to remain with Lily, you have got to find a way to set up some clear boundaries and your own expectations.

Yeah, that's true. Very wise advice. Its like those old men you see all the time. "I've been using this knife for 15 years! I used it to cut down 15 trees and make dinner everyday!". They cant get a new one if they keep using the old one. Same is for me. I cant find a better knife if i'm still using the old one. But... what if the old one is a rare and one of a kind knife? Maybe they're all one of a kind. Just different for different uses. You know, maybe when it comes to improving my life i've been using the Paring Knife. Its a small knife used to peel fruit and cut vegetables. Maybe at this point in my life i ran out of fruits and vegetables to chop. The Paring Knife isn't doing it anymore. I need to cut steaks now. I need the French Knife, otherwise known as the Chef's Knife. The all purpose knife. If you take good care of this knife, it'll last you a whole life time. I need to put away the Paring Knife and look for a good Chef's Knife to keep by my side for as long as i live.

Can you take some time to sit down and write out what your perfect relationship, your perfect woman would be? It seems that Lily has already decided this. Perhaps you could too? This might be a place to start to help you decide how to express to her that this relationship isn't healthy for you.

She would love me a lot and she would show it as often as i would without me ever asking. I guess she would be kinda clingy to me and she would let me be a little clingy to her. Having a conversation with her wouldn't be a challenge. We would talk about anything pretty much at anytime. Even about simple things like how red apples are. She would appreciate my tastes and interests as i would hers. She would support me in everything i decide to do. Unlike Lily, she wont accept the fact that i'm giving up video games. She thinks its stupid. She would love herself and take good care of herself. Including her image and health, just like i do. She wouldn't be afraid to do things for me like taking videos of herself talking and showing me around the neighborhood (Assuming its LD). We would honor and respect each other. Share our dreams together. We would decide and discuss our future in a logical and rational matter.

She would love me for who i am and accept me and all my flaws. All of them. Love would be unconditionally as it should be in a real romantic relationship. She wouldn't force me to change myself. She would let me be me and i would let her be her and that's how we would love each other. She would be dedicated in the relationship, it would be her top priority aside from her other responsibilities. Doing something for us would be better than playing some video game like Lily does. Intimacy wise, she would be willing to do for me as much as i would for her. She would be into me just as much as i am to her. She would be an adult. With privacy. She would be mature and think rationally and logically but at the same time keeping our dreams alive no matter how unrealistic they may be. She would accept my real name and use it rather than give me a nickname. I love my name, as odd as it may be (Its arab-like despite that i'm 100% Puerto Rican like my parents). We would set some rules and boundaries for the relationship and she would accept them and follow them. She wouldn't be so damn stubborn about everything.

I think that about covers most of it. I'm not sure if i'm asking for a lot but that's about what a perfect relationship would be for me.

No relationship is perfect and no person is either, but if two people in a relationship are able to come to agreement about what they can accept as failings in their partner and what they can't, it makes that relationship stronger. If expectations are incompatible and no compromise can be reached, I truly feel that at least one person in that relationship is always going to be unhappy.

And we don't want to see you be unhappy, Kyle.

I know. When it comes to compromises, its always me making them. Whenever she makes some herself, she conveniently forgets about them. I always have to be the one to pull the relationship forward by myself. She seemed unhappy today when i talked to her. She probably wonders why we fight so much. I've learned that is because she refuses to take the relationship seriously and refuses to make the compromises necessary to improve it. If i ask her to have more privacy then that should be it. Its easy according to her. But she doesn't do it.

I don't wanna be unhappy either. That's why i'm seeking help here. That's why i'm considering letting Lily go...

[Zephii]

So i should break up with her? How do i do that? How soon? She's my best friend. The best friend i've ever had. Breaking up with her will end it all.

Well, seeming she doesn't take the relationship seriously, could you go back to being just friends? You can still have great conversations, share your time and have fun. Could you ask just to be friends?
Though, it's possible at first she will be too angry and hurt to be friends, and if she's using you (and I personally believe she is) then she probably wont want you around once she see's she can't control you any more. So, yes, there is a risk of losing a very close bond. It's a hard decision to make. I think you owe it to yourself to find someone better, but that doesn't mean it wont hurt like hell for a while.

People seem to think the person who makes the break doesn't get hurt. That's not true at all. But if it stops further heartache in the long run....

Don't feel like you have to do it right this second. Think about it more if that's what you need. It took me over two months to get the courage to break up with my ex, after months of knowing that I could do better. So, go easy on yourself, don't expect too much. And, prepare yourself to feel guilty... I wish someone had told me that... make sure you're strong in your decision so that if it gets ugly and she turns angry or guilt trips you, you can be true to yourself first and worry about her afterward.

And, if you're ever in Vancouver, I'll buy you a coffee some time