Need advice: Round 2

[Silviar]

Agreed with Zephii - why not go back to being friends? That way, you're not obligated and you can see if she matures as you hope. Don't ever go into a relationship hoping someone will change. If you can't love them and accept them the way that they are, then it's time to find someone else you're more compatible with.

[KyleTheMan]

Well, seeming she doesn't take the relationship seriously, could you go back to being just friends? You can still have great conversations, share your time and have fun. Could you ask just to be friends?
Though, it's possible at first she will be too angry and hurt to be friends, and if she's using you (and I personally believe she is) then she probably wont want you around once she see's she can't control you any more. So, yes, there is a risk of losing a very close bond. It's a hard decision to make. I think you owe it to yourself to find someone better, but that doesn't mean it wont hurt like hell for a while.

People seem to think the person who makes the break doesn't get hurt. That's not true at all. But if it stops further heartache in the long run....

Don't feel like you have to do it right this second. Think about it more if that's what you need. It took me over two months to get the courage to break up with my ex, after months of knowing that I could do better. So, go easy on yourself, don't expect too much. And, prepare yourself to feel guilty... I wish someone had told me that... make sure you're strong in your decision so that if it gets ugly and she turns angry or guilt trips you, you can be true to yourself first and worry about her afterward.

Yeah, i think staying friends is a possibility. Last time i tried to break up with her we discussed this possibility. That's what i'm gonna have to do.

You're right. I'll think about it some more and take my time. But as of right now, this feels like the right thing to do. Even if i don't want to admit it, i know i can do better than her. Way better even. She never tries at all to make me happy. She makes no effort at all. She expects me to do everything. I'm just a convenience to her. Oh, she's done working and studying, Kyle will entertain her until she suddenly feels like doing something else. Like playing some game. While i'm here hurting, not feeling loved.

You know, today she added me to her Facebook account. Her older sister did too (who Lily sees as her 'other mother'). Lily refused to add me to her "In a relationship with" facebook thing. She said she didn't want her friends knowing she had a western boyfriend. So i took off mine as well.

Since Lily is so immature, what do you do to correct children? Tell their mothers. So i'm thinking as a last ditch effort to save the relationship is to talk to her sister about our issues to see if she talks to Lily about it and tells her to correct things. Her sister is obviously very protective so i doubt it'll be of any use. But i'll at least try. However, like Silviar further enforced, no one should be expected to change in a relationship so...

If it turns out a break up is inevitable. Then i'd rather get it over with. However i'll take my time to do it at the right time and as smoothly as possible. I'll need to think plenty. This time its for real, i wont let her convince me to stay with her. I deserve someone who loves me and who actually shows it. I don't want to sound arrogant or egotistic but i do admit i'm a rare guy these days. So i need a woman who can actually appreciate me and love me.

And, if you're ever in Vancouver, I'll buy you a coffee some time

Heeeey! Coffee sounds nice! I can drink pretty much any kind of coffee! With or without milk! With or without sugar even! Haha! However! I'm a gentleman! I'll buy you the coffee! You'll have to point me towards the coffee shop however! I'm not familiar with the Vancouver area! XD

[Karringtyn]

Kyle.

You are an amazing soul. What you have poured out here is what most of us try for years to do...get to the deep stuff inside ourselves. You are honest, open, and real. You listen. You REALLY listen.

Yes. You DESERVE BETTER! You deserve a woman to give you all the things that you aren't getting from her. She is very manipulative and I can see how much she loves to try to control you. Like I said...take a step back...read what you wrote and the answer is there.

Be prepared. If you try to say you want to just be friends she will knock you down and truly try to make you see you can't be anything without her. That she changed you...that you NEED her.

You need you. KYLE YOU HAVE DONE SO MUCH CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE. Yes I am shouting.

You use to be a shut in.

You use to play games all day.

You use to be overweight.

You use to hate yourself.

You use to be.

You use to be.

You use to be.

Lots has changed for you.


Ready to roll with the change?

We are all here for you. Don't doubt that for a second!

[KyleTheMan]

Kyle.

You are an amazing soul. What you have poured out here is what most of us try for years to do...get to the deep stuff inside ourselves. You are honest, open, and real. You listen. You REALLY listen.

Yes. You DESERVE BETTER! You deserve a woman to give you all the things that you aren't getting from her. She is very manipulative and I can see how much she loves to try to control you. Like I said...take a step back...read what you wrote and the answer is there.

Be prepared. If you try to say you want to just be friends she will knock you down and truly try to make you see you can't be anything without her. That she changed you...that you NEED her.

Thank you very much. I'm gonna do it. For real this time. I don't know when, but i'll do it. I think it'll be for the best. As sweet as she can be, she's really a parasite draining away at my lifeforce. I mean, i asked her for some pictures yesterday. She said "I will.". I know she's studying for finals but... if she can take 10 minutes to talk to me she can definitely take a single minute to take a couple of pictures. She just doesn't do it. She feels no need to keep me happy. That's what i think.

And the Facebook thing. How she wouldn't add me to her relationship status due to fear of her Thai friends finding out she has a western boyfriend. That makes me feel like she's ashamed of that. She doesn't want anyone but her family to know that i'm her boyfriend. Am i an embarrassment to her? I know there is a social stigma and everything. But seriously, who cares what other people think? They don't know me! They don't know her! She lets these things get to her and control her. She has self-esteem issues and is very self-conscious. In every single picture "pack" she sends me, there is always one where she's hiding her lips. She has big lips and i think they look nice but she says she hates them. She's a shut in as well. She never goes out of her home. She's constantly close to her mother. Can i really expect her to be mature enough to endure the solitude and homesickness involved with moving out? She'll be miserable and she'll make me miserable in turn.

As always, i've offered to move to Thailand somehow so she doesn't have to go through that. She's against it as always. She wants to be in the US no matter what happens. That's what i am to her. A big fluffy US ticket. But its gonna end soon. I don't deserve that. I deserve a woman that will make me as happy as i make her.

I feel lonely already even though we talk everyday. I feel lonely as we talk. I feel very lonely right now and i'll feel lonelier when i break up with her. But it cant be helped. This loneliness will clear the path so that one woman one day can find her way to me.

I can't afford to break down yet though. I have lots of exercise workouts to finish this week. I got culinary school and a job interview as well as other errands. If i do it soon, i'll just have to hold everything in.

I mean, she just told me yesterday another thing i need to change. She wants me to go out more and by that she means by myself. I don't have my license. I don't have a car. I've been studying hard for the learners permit test. I'm gonna get it done this month for sure. Then i'll get driving lessons and i should have my license by the time the year done. I lost 6 years of my life, spent as a shut in. Lily wont understand that i'm working really hard to do all these things, i'm basically playing "catch up" with society and i'm doing the best i can. I'll be more independent eventually and i really cant see how this situation of mine affects our relationship. I have privacy and i can go out to the post office by myself since its close. So i can send her things and i can do everything for her that she doesn't do for me. She says this affects our relationship and i cant see how. I'm just human damn it. I'm doing more than anyone would in my situation.

You need you. KYLE YOU HAVE DONE SO MUCH CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE. Yes I am shouting.

You use to be a shut in.

You use to play games all day.

You use to be overweight.

You use to hate yourself.

You use to be.

You use to be.

You use to be.

Lots has changed for you.


Ready to roll with the change?

We are all here for you. Don't doubt that for a second!

Yes, i used to be a shut in. Now i go out as much as i can. I'm slowly becoming more independent. I'll go out more and more as time passes.

Yes, i used to play games all day. I've abandoned them now. They are worthless. Pointless wastes of time. Absolutely completely worthless. You know what i did? I took the 500+ games i had and i put them in brown boxes. I tied the boxes closed shut with a roll of duct tape. They're all rotting in the closet. Eventually i plan on selling them all and keeping the money for actual important things. The time i lost on those toys could have been spent better. I constantly hear men addicted to these things that neglect their women and children to these pointless trash. Not me. I'll never be like that. Never. But i don't regret it. Thanks to those 6 years i lost i'm the person i am now. I learned humility and honesty. Because of the solitude i learned determination and courage. Because of the games i learned control and integrity. No more will i fall prey to these or any addiction. I know what is important to me in my life now.

Yes, i used to be overweight. You know what sparked me to lose it? The fact that i wanted to impress Lily. After we became a couple i kept going because i wanted her to love me more. Once i was completely thin she then wanted me to gain muscle. I then began bulking a little recently and its still not enough for her. You know what? This has become a passion for me now. Exercising and nutrition. And its good for my culinary career to have this knowledge. I don't do it for her anymore. I do it for me.

Yes, i used to hate myself. A long time ago. Depression was common throughout the day. What did i do? I used to play games to forget my issues. But now everything is better because i work hard and because i'm determined to do what i wish to do with my life. I love myself. And because i love myself and my life is why i'm gonna keep going out there and i'll keep changing and loving myself more. Eventually i'll find someone to love. Someone that deserves me. This is my life and i wont settle for less. Even if it takes me a lifetime to find perfection. I'll keep searching for as long as it takes because i deserve it.

I'm i ready? I am, bring it on. I'm not afraid of change. I can do this and i will. Lily wont keep me in her prison cell anymore. I will be free and i'll find me somebody to love one day.

Thank you very much for the support. It means a lot to me. It really does. I don't know when i'm gonna do it. But i'm 100% i'm gonna do it. When? Soon, i'll see how things go and pick the right time to do it.

[Edit]: I just stumbled upon a ton of pictures of her that i've never seen before on her Facebook page. I've been begging her to see more pictures of her for months. How come i have to stumble upon them like this? This is the first time i've seen how her family looks like. Just now as i type this. On a relationship that's been going on for more than 6 months. Heck lets count that 2 years since i've known her as friends. Just now i saw how her mom and sister looks like and saw lots of photos of her. Just now. Why do i have to stumble upon them?

Arent i supposed to be her boyfriend? Arent i the one whos supposed to see these things first before ANYONE ELSE? How COME HER GOD DAMN FRIENDS can see her more pictures of her than me? HER BOYFRIEND? How come i'm always pushed back to the side? I feel like i don't mean anything to her. It hurts so much. She's ashamed of me. She must be. I'm just the secret western boyfriend to her. Just a convenience. A tool.

I wont let her hurt me anymore. I don't deserve this. God damn it. This only serves to further push me towards what i must do.

[Karringtyn]

I am so sorry Kyle that you had to stumble on the pictures like you did...that is complete and utter bullshit. Keep letting it out....

[Rach321]

About the photos: That's just horrible- I would be angry beyond belief if it were me. But it does seem to be a good sign that you're heading down the right path.

You'll find the right time and the right way. I feel confident that you are mature and aware enough to make the right decision.

Sending you a very big hug...

[Čternity]

I'm sorry Kyle. You deserve better you really do. I've never met anyone so driven to better themselves than you. Sending you big hugs as well. Take care,

[KyleTheMan]

Me and her had a long chat. I almost did it. She said this to me:

*I know it seemed like you had to demand it so I would start doing more things for you. I acknowledge that now. And now I intend to do more things for you. In fact, I've always intended to do more things for you. I just never had a chance because I didn't know. Like pictures, I didn't know I can take nothing more than 5 minutes to do it.
*I acknowledge that now. And I'm willing to do more things for you.
But I can't do it if you still act as if I'm doing it because you demand me to do it. I don't need to be treated as if I've been a very bad girlfriend to do more things for my boyfriend. You don't need to act as if it's my turn to do things for you all the time. Because it doesn't help.
*That's what I wanna say.

I then said:

For the longest time i've been really patient. Waiting for you to return the love in ways i show it to you. I've been really patient and i've done a lot for you. Little things and big things. But i was nice and patient and you never did anything. So i had to resort to demanding. Then i started seeing more pictures. If i dont act like this, strong and decisive, you would not do anything. I would continue to feel alone and unloved. That is not fair for me. I'm in this relationship too. I deserve to feel just as loved as you feel. I was being a gentleman and waiting and waiting and waiting. But that didnt get me anything. So i have to get rough to see you more. Its unfair that i have to be like this to get you to show your love for me. What if we're together? What other things will i need to do? We're not even together and we're fighting about these things. Will i have to be like this to get you to act like a girlfriend to me? Like a wife?

She then said:

Well I told you I acknowledge that now. You don't need to continue acting so demanding. Because it doesn't help. I'll do more things for you because I want to do. Not because you tell me to do. So stop acting so demanding and "being rough". I'm sure I'll be a good wife. Even better than I am a girlfriend. You don't need top doubt that.

I then told her i needed to go because i have things to do. I'm just too nice. I could have done it right then and there and i decide to wait a bit longer. Lets see what happens. I already let her know that i'm ready to break up with her at any moment because i deserve to be treated better. Because i deserve to be happy. And its now the time where she says she's gonna do more. How come do i have to almost break up with her each time to get her to show some love? Why do i have to be like this to see results?

I guess i feel sorry for her and her sister. I'm just now getting to know her better and her sister is a great person. Haha, i'm getting to know her family now just to suddenly dissapear. Its not my style. I'll wait it out a bit longer. But i'm gonna do it eventually if things don't change. I'm at my breaking point. A little feather is enough to break me. And us.

[Zephii]

There's a pattern. I noticed it with my last SO. He'd only do things for me if I was on the brink of leaving. He'd put in an effort for a little while, and then it'd gradually stop. Or, he'd do part of something, and I'd stay thinking he was really changing, but the second half would stay the same.

I learnt that he should have wanted to treat me well, rather than treating me well out of fear. But it took me a long time to learn that.

He was ashamed of me too so I know how that feels. He was quite a bit older than me, so looking back he had reason to be ashamed. He was with me for the wrong reasons. I think Lily is like this. She doesn't want people to know about you because she too is with you for the wrong reasons. (A ticket to America). You deserve someone who is proud to say they are yours.

I worry that if she does start doing things for you it might be a case of "too little, too late", but you never know.

[Karringtyn]

Kyle.

It is ridiculous the way she speaks to you. I would NEVER in a million years treat the man I love like that. She talks down to you so bad. "well Kyle...I shouldn't be TOLD to do it..I should want to do it (THEN WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEFORE NOW?!"...blah blah.

I agree. A little too late.

But that is up for you to decide.

I too had an ex like that....each time I would want to leave..he knew it and would send flowers and maybe make an effort around the house...after a few days (each time less and less time between) he went right back to his old ways....and I am the one that accepted it and basically encouraged the pattern.

Fast forward 17 years....

Ending that cycle was so very hard. Now kids were involved.

*Shakes head*... I am so glad I am in the here and now...and not in an enabling relationship.

Just read my words my friend..

[Čternity]

Kyle, such a sad situation. In my experience, when a relationship is not on solid ground, getting married often makes people try less, not more. Her behaviour now will predict what she will be like later. I find it ironic that she wants you to be more manly and dominant and yet when you do make demands of her she doesn't like it. I fear that this will not end well and it may not work out as you want it to. It is exhausting to have to keep at your partner to do the basics in a relationship. Either they do it or they don't.

Do you know how long you are going to wait to see what happens? I'm not sure there will be much change. There will always be excuses and needing 'more time'. In relationships like this, as Luce says, there are always last minute placations to soothe the imminent break up and hurt which is going to happen sooner or later.

All our relationships teach us something, even the rocky ones. There is always a lesson to be learned from those who share our lives at each stage.

[Karringtyn]

All our relationships teach us something, even the rocky ones. There is always a lesson to be learned from those who share our lives at each stage.

ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!!! Great way of looking at it!!

[KyleTheMan]

Thank you all for the advice. Its all very wise and i'm taking it all into consideration. I'm walking slowly and cautiously.

She sent me a grand total of 2 pictures today. Very beautiful. She promises she'll keep sending more and once she isnt so busy and once she can fix her privacy issue, she'll do more. We'll see how things go for a while. A week, two weeks. But this is the second time i've had to almost break up with her to see results. 3rd strike and i'm out.

[Zephii]

I thought I might add something here... Perhaps you are just moving too fast for her? I think you said you've been a couple for 6 months?

I know our situation was different, we were younger for one thing, and not officially dating for another, but it took Obi and I a long time to do the things you're asking. Even now, if he has 30 pictures of me in total I'd be surprised, and I have even less of him. I didn't get on webcam or speak over voice chat with the poor guy for four years. It was just too scary for me. MSN was enough for me. Obi pushed for more, and that helped me open up, but I was still much slower in advancing our use of technology than he would have liked.

So yeah, maybe you're just going a little fast too.

[KyleTheMan]

I thought I might add something here... Perhaps you are just moving too fast for her? I think you said you've been a couple for 6 months?

I know our situation was different, we were younger for one thing, and not officially dating for another, but it took Obi and I a long time to do the things you're asking. Even now, if he has 30 pictures of me in total I'd be surprised, and I have even less of him. I didn't get on webcam or speak over voice chat with the poor guy for four years. It was just too scary for me. MSN was enough for me. Obi pushed for more, and that helped me open up, but I was still much slower in advancing our use of technology than he would have liked.

So yeah, maybe you're just going a little fast too.

Four years!? ...Four years!? Four? Years? Four years!? Four years! We've been a couple for 6 months but we've known each other for 2 years now. Maybe this is all really my fault. Maybe i've been impatient all a long. I mean, i know she's naturally shy and her culture isnt so open to these things. Maybe this really is all me. I almost broke up with her. But the fact remains. I didnt feel loved. Maybe the it was the long distance hurting me. Its all me. How can i apologize to her? How can i make her feel better? Ugh... then i had that rough time at school today.

I need time to think. I think this thread served its purpose. Thank you very much everyone.