Hello,
My girlfriend and I started dating in Feb 2016. We get along phenomenally. BUT... we have roughly 30 miles in between us. I know to most that does not sound like a lot. But the stretch of I95 that we must take is EXTREMELY busy when it comes to traffic. It takes me over 90 minutes some times to get there from my house... but on a good day, we can get to each other's house in 45-50 minutes. We really had no issues the first 2 years, the drive was nothing considering we got to see one another once we arrived, :-). We are on the same weekend custody schedule and slightly different weekday schedule. So on weekends we did not have our kids, we'd spend Wednesday through Sunday together. On weeks we do have our kids, ( I do 7 days off, 7 days on with my daughters... she does 5 days off, 5 days on with her daughters) she'd still come down Wednesday and/or Thursday nights depending on her work schedule and we'd get the kids together on weekend and take turns sleeping over each other's house. Also, on weeks I do not have my kids, I drive up to her every Monday. So in the grand scheme of things we were seeing each other 14-18 days a month. THEN, her schedule changed. My daughter started playing soccer. AND my GF (against my advice) purchased a puppy. NOW... on weeks we do not have our kids, we see each other Sat/Sun only, and I have to drive to her full time now because A: my apartment does not allow pets and B: I'd sneak the pup in, but she's not grasping potty training and has accidents ALL DAY, every day. Soccer interferes with our weekends now when we have the kids. Where as the first 2 years my daughter was not playing and we would just go to her daughters' games and spend rest of weekend all together.
We have a lot of obstacles in our way to being where we want to be. These obstacles have us to the point where we feel not seeing each other as often as we'd like (we're 100% ready to live together and blend our families) is becoming unhealthy for our relationship and a few days ago we frustratingly decided to end things. Even though we are clearly deeply in love and have spoken/texted/face-timed in the interim. This is clearly something neither of us want. But we are at a dead end/crossroads.
Things that are causing us issues when considering moving in together.
1. Kids. Where they go to school, what time they start school, when we'd have to leave to get them to school and ourselves to work on time (we have 1 that starts at 7AM and 1 that starts at 8:15AM in her area and 2 that start at 7:45AM in my area), their sports and schedules... All kids play soccer full time/year round; in totally different areas.
2. Our jobs. I work 30 miles south of where I live/60 miles south of where she lives. It takes me roughly, on average, 50 min to get to work from my house 2 hours to get from my work to her house. She works 15 miles north of where she lives/roughly 45-50 miles from my house. It takes her roughly 80-90 minutes to get to my house from her work. The traffic is murder 75% of the time.
3. Our ex's. We are both divorced. Neither of our ex's would be cool with us moving to the other's area due to we both have 50/50 custody with our ex's. My GF and I both get along with our ex spouses, just not to the extent they'd sign off on their kids moving 45-60 min away... let alone our kids' school/friends/sports, etc...
We both have good jobs that are family friendly and pay well (she has a better paying job than I do). That being said: I have been considering looking for a job in her area to at least alleviate us not seeing each other on weeks I do not have my kids... I could just stay at her place that whole week.
But that is only a band-aid IMO. We all like and prefer our own places... and I'm sure staying there that much would begin to wear on me. Considering it's HER place and not OURS.
People have said, if you love each other; you'll make it work. Ya know, that's easier said than done. Say, for instance, My daughters and I move up to her area. School starts at 7:45/gotta be in homeroom. I have to be at work by 8:30. We would have to leave 'home' no later than 6:15AM to ensure with traffic that I would get them to school on time. Their school is roughly 45 min away from my work. SO... if there's any additional traffic issues, accidents, etc... the kids are late for school and I'm late for work. Happens once.. OK, cool. Happens twice in same week, not as cool. Happens 3 times in a week??? They'll get in trouble at school and I'll get reprimanded at work. (let alone if it becomes a normal occurrence) SO, you might say, just leave earlier. I have two 11 year old girls (going on 19, lol). Let's just say things aren't always clockwork in the mornings. Whatever... long story short, it's not fair to them for me to wake them up at 4:45-5AM to get them ready for a 80-90 min car ride to school every morning. Nor is it fair on the other end for my GF to do the same to her kids.
My daughters are the youngest, 11 years old, 6th grade. SO, I still have 6 full years till their done high school to consider an 'easy' move.
The alternative? one of us concedes primary custody to our ex so they can move. Neither of us want to do that obviously. She and I are each the 'reliable' parent. Both of our ex's are slackers/parents that do jusssssst enough to not be considered deadbeats.
SO, I'm not sure if anyone can offer me any suggestions.... but she and I are in quite a bind. We love each other and each others kids wholeheartedly. But seeing each other 4-5 times a month MAX is brutal. Not being able to hold/touch/hug/speak face to face hurts so bad. The last 2 times I saw her, there were 8-9 day gaps in between. I'd walk in and we'd hug for what seemed like 20 minutes straight. Then to know in 48 hours it'd be another 8-9 days.... We've been cruising along at this pace for about 6-8 months now and it's gets harder by the day not to see the person you are deeply in love with every day/night.
Thanks for letting me vent/rant. I bottle stuff up and this felt good to type out.
My girlfriend and I started dating in Feb 2016. We get along phenomenally. BUT... we have roughly 30 miles in between us. I know to most that does not sound like a lot. But the stretch of I95 that we must take is EXTREMELY busy when it comes to traffic. It takes me over 90 minutes some times to get there from my house... but on a good day, we can get to each other's house in 45-50 minutes. We really had no issues the first 2 years, the drive was nothing considering we got to see one another once we arrived, :-). We are on the same weekend custody schedule and slightly different weekday schedule. So on weekends we did not have our kids, we'd spend Wednesday through Sunday together. On weeks we do have our kids, ( I do 7 days off, 7 days on with my daughters... she does 5 days off, 5 days on with her daughters) she'd still come down Wednesday and/or Thursday nights depending on her work schedule and we'd get the kids together on weekend and take turns sleeping over each other's house. Also, on weeks I do not have my kids, I drive up to her every Monday. So in the grand scheme of things we were seeing each other 14-18 days a month. THEN, her schedule changed. My daughter started playing soccer. AND my GF (against my advice) purchased a puppy. NOW... on weeks we do not have our kids, we see each other Sat/Sun only, and I have to drive to her full time now because A: my apartment does not allow pets and B: I'd sneak the pup in, but she's not grasping potty training and has accidents ALL DAY, every day. Soccer interferes with our weekends now when we have the kids. Where as the first 2 years my daughter was not playing and we would just go to her daughters' games and spend rest of weekend all together.
We have a lot of obstacles in our way to being where we want to be. These obstacles have us to the point where we feel not seeing each other as often as we'd like (we're 100% ready to live together and blend our families) is becoming unhealthy for our relationship and a few days ago we frustratingly decided to end things. Even though we are clearly deeply in love and have spoken/texted/face-timed in the interim. This is clearly something neither of us want. But we are at a dead end/crossroads.
Things that are causing us issues when considering moving in together.
1. Kids. Where they go to school, what time they start school, when we'd have to leave to get them to school and ourselves to work on time (we have 1 that starts at 7AM and 1 that starts at 8:15AM in her area and 2 that start at 7:45AM in my area), their sports and schedules... All kids play soccer full time/year round; in totally different areas.
2. Our jobs. I work 30 miles south of where I live/60 miles south of where she lives. It takes me roughly, on average, 50 min to get to work from my house 2 hours to get from my work to her house. She works 15 miles north of where she lives/roughly 45-50 miles from my house. It takes her roughly 80-90 minutes to get to my house from her work. The traffic is murder 75% of the time.
3. Our ex's. We are both divorced. Neither of our ex's would be cool with us moving to the other's area due to we both have 50/50 custody with our ex's. My GF and I both get along with our ex spouses, just not to the extent they'd sign off on their kids moving 45-60 min away... let alone our kids' school/friends/sports, etc...
We both have good jobs that are family friendly and pay well (she has a better paying job than I do). That being said: I have been considering looking for a job in her area to at least alleviate us not seeing each other on weeks I do not have my kids... I could just stay at her place that whole week.
But that is only a band-aid IMO. We all like and prefer our own places... and I'm sure staying there that much would begin to wear on me. Considering it's HER place and not OURS.
People have said, if you love each other; you'll make it work. Ya know, that's easier said than done. Say, for instance, My daughters and I move up to her area. School starts at 7:45/gotta be in homeroom. I have to be at work by 8:30. We would have to leave 'home' no later than 6:15AM to ensure with traffic that I would get them to school on time. Their school is roughly 45 min away from my work. SO... if there's any additional traffic issues, accidents, etc... the kids are late for school and I'm late for work. Happens once.. OK, cool. Happens twice in same week, not as cool. Happens 3 times in a week??? They'll get in trouble at school and I'll get reprimanded at work. (let alone if it becomes a normal occurrence) SO, you might say, just leave earlier. I have two 11 year old girls (going on 19, lol). Let's just say things aren't always clockwork in the mornings. Whatever... long story short, it's not fair to them for me to wake them up at 4:45-5AM to get them ready for a 80-90 min car ride to school every morning. Nor is it fair on the other end for my GF to do the same to her kids.
My daughters are the youngest, 11 years old, 6th grade. SO, I still have 6 full years till their done high school to consider an 'easy' move.
The alternative? one of us concedes primary custody to our ex so they can move. Neither of us want to do that obviously. She and I are each the 'reliable' parent. Both of our ex's are slackers/parents that do jusssssst enough to not be considered deadbeats.
SO, I'm not sure if anyone can offer me any suggestions.... but she and I are in quite a bind. We love each other and each others kids wholeheartedly. But seeing each other 4-5 times a month MAX is brutal. Not being able to hold/touch/hug/speak face to face hurts so bad. The last 2 times I saw her, there were 8-9 day gaps in between. I'd walk in and we'd hug for what seemed like 20 minutes straight. Then to know in 48 hours it'd be another 8-9 days.... We've been cruising along at this pace for about 6-8 months now and it's gets harder by the day not to see the person you are deeply in love with every day/night.
Thanks for letting me vent/rant. I bottle stuff up and this felt good to type out.
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